Not sure I can cope. Please Read

[RegrettableDisaster]

I don't know how all this will come across.
Everything feels like a huge mess.
I may word this oddly as I don't want to give away details of genders etc because both my DH and Stepchild spend a huge amount of time online and you just never know. So some things have been changed or worded weirdly.
I have a 14 year old trans stepchild. They came to live with me and their Dad (my DH) when they were 12, after multiple "suicide attempts" whilst still living with the Mother. They'd been out of school for a year. The Mother was at her wits end and making everything worse. She was emotionally abusive or emotionally absent. Controlling. Imposed restrictive eating to keep child looking slim. Criticised child's friends. Drank far too much, far too regularly. Introduced many men to her children and openly used them for her own gain - e.g getting them to pay for holidays, equipment she wanted, or days out. So all the stepchildren were regularly exposed to what can only be described as a scattershot, dismal lifestyle where people are commodities.
Before SC came here, DH helped for one extra day a week on top of his access arrangements but it wasn't enough.
He shied away from being too available due to his ex wife being controlling and taking advantage. (really unusal requests like "lend me your car for work" "stay in my house for a week to look after me and the children because I'm too ill with flu"
Not to mention how she would communicate with me. She often tried to convince me that DH tried to get her back when DH and I got together. That he preferred skinny women. All sorts of weird stuff.
So in short, DH kept her at arms length because she regularly overstepped boundaries and exaggerated facts. It was always difficult to get a clear picture if how the kids were, and DH based a lot of their wellbeing on how they presented during his time with them.
Dhring this time, there was support from CAMHS for SC.
A tutor for education.
SC refused to engage with tutor, or CAMHS most of the time.
The Mother was manipulative with CAMHS workers (even started dating one of them who was engaged with my Stepchild, who subsequently lost their job)
The suicide attempts just seemed like they weren't real. Like they were ways to get attention or a need met, but not real.
We were told things like "child has slashed his neck 21 times" but there were tiny grazes not even as severe as a kitten scratch. Or things like "Child has drunk bleach - awaiting ambulance" and it would transpire he had swallowed half a capful and so wasn't even taken to hospital. As it mostly came from the Mother it was hard to know what was real, and she never let DH see any paperwork or anything. The final time it happened, the Mother text DH from hospital, saying SC was going to try again as soon as they left, and sounded very checked out of trying to help anymore, so DH rang hospital and asked for my SC to not be released from care. They agreed for a 2 night stay. The Mother was angry we had intervened. I'm not sure what her goal was.
During this hospital stay, SC regularly updated their WhatsApp status to hint that they had tried to KTS.
SC was a complete mess when they came to live with us. Had been removed by the police for attempting to hurt the Mother and placed with us, and it was requested by SS, that SC remain here, and as SC wanted to, it was sorted.
SC slept on the sofa in the living room for 6 months because there wasn't a bedroom available. SC declared the living room was their bedroom and nobody was to enter after 7.30pm as they wanted to call friends and have privacy, whuch was awkward as the living room is a walk through to the kitchen from the stairs. It sucked because there were times when SC would "have a meltdown" and then "need" everyone to stay out of the living room at odd times, especially during school breaks, so basically everyone started living in their rooms. I get how awful it was for SC to not have a bedroom. So, when it became obvious it was going to be permanent, DH and I took the living room and we swapped around my kids so Stepchild could have a bedroom. We slept downstairs for 9 more months. At least it meant we could allow unrestricted access at sensible hours and could encourage family time once more.
Still, everything had to be different - no more razors or bleach in the house. (to prevent self harm) No more pencil sharpeners. (to prevent self harm) Locked up medication. (to prevent overdose) No more spray deodorant or air fresheners. (to prevent substance abuse) No lighters for candles. (to prevent setting fires in the bedroom) Everything mentioned in brackets they had been doing at Mother's.
They still manahed to self harm a bunch, found ways - stolen scissors from my kids who tried to hide them, finding razors hidden at the back of cupboards and taking blades from them (that was fun when I went to shave my legs one evening)
Eventually we managed to find everything.
Then DH let them have their own PayPal account and they ordered blades from Ebay.
CAMHS have barely helped/been effective therapeutically.
During this time, my mother died, my 15 year old couldn't cope with all the masses of change, so went to live with their Dad. I cannot express how painful it is.

My DH, me, and my stepchild now live with my other three children. I have an 18 year old, a 14 year old and a 15 year old. (my now 16 year old is enjoying living with their Dad, has been there a year and I am happy they are okay)
But I'm finding this all very difficult now, 2 years on.
Believe me when I say I've been really supportive. I took courses in mental health first aid and mental health in teens to make sure I was at my best to cope.
I helped with communication with the Mother to arrange access. I supervised it at stepchilds request. Invited her into my home, despite her saying our house is disgusting/too small/a weird colour/looks like a hospital!
I ran to the rescue when things went wrong during what eventually led to unsupervised visits at the Mother's house, an hour away.
I have provided an ear, a shoulder, comfort, comfort food, learned all their favourite things and spent time with them. I have absolutely made them a part of the household as if they always lived here.
I am here all the time. Like I'm always home, unless I'm running family errands. DH works part time self employed during the evenings, about four or five evenings a week, has two or three days a week out of the house all afternoon/day/early evening seeing his other two children (same mother as his child who lives with us)
DH also sees friends, on and off, not with regularity but on average once a month.
My stepchild recently accused their mother of sexual abuse during their early years, and there was a resulting police investigation. Stepchild had a formal interview and so did the Mother. Nothing came of it. Stepchild now says they are worried they imagined it.
But now, their siblings (10 and 11) don't want to see my stepchild, because their Mother told them their sibling tried to ruin her life. She has also driven a wedge between me and them, meaning both the younger ones have refused to see me, my children, or their siblings since February this year. They won't visit us at our house, which is why DH spends so much more time out of the house, taking them out.
I have started to feel resentful of this situation and the fact it isn't improving.
I keep finding things online that stepchild posts that put them at risk/make them vulnerable. E.G they boasts openly about their self harm. They even posted a photo of fresh cuts on YouTube once, calling them "fresh babies". They made a post a couple months ago that they regularly "huff" and have done since they were 10, and everyone thinks they are just a funny, chill person when they are actually Hugh all the time.
They ordered a dildo online and then graphically described to my child about trying it out and training their (biological) genitalia to "take it" even talking about bleeding. My child told me where it was hidden and I threw it out. Stepchild even confronted my child about where it had gone, once discovered it was missing, and my child confessed they had told me about it and it was thrown away for stepchilds own safety and explained the level of appropriateness for a 14 year old and sex toys.
Once when stepchild came home angrily and upset from a visit with their Mother because she'd mentioned weight, stepchild grabbed a bunch of antidepressants and swallowed them, then got onto a group chat and told the group chat, "Goodbye" upsetting a tonne of teenagers online, including one of my children (the same one above) who was part of the chat, who rushed to tell me (as I was cooking dinner, unaware there had even been an issue)
My child has disclosed to me that SC engages in sex role plays online.
I have seen ads that are shown on my phone, related to content viewed on our IP address, that tell me SC reads BDSM sex stories. This was going on for months until I got sick of seeing the ads as I couldn't block them, so I had to ask all the children. SC confessed it was them. And admonished me for bringing it up.
These issues have tipped it over the edge for me. I feel like my children are being exposed to all this and it isn't fair.
My stepchild goes to a 3 hour per day alternative provision, a bit like school, but only a handful of kids, and very low pressure. They regularly don't bother with work and it almost seems like when they are pushed, they have a big explosion.
They recently told a staff member they tried to hang himself whilst staying overnight with their (very much loved) Nan. They then text DH and told him, hoping to prevent school from telling us I think. School have had to report it, of course. So I expect to hear from professionals once more.
I have a huge issue with this act because I discovered my friend dead from hanging when I was 15 and it's haunted me, despite therapy multiple times.
I am at a loss.
I feel for the child very much. I also feel for my own children.
I also dread stepchild being around. They aren't great at socialising- they tends to dominated a room and make everything about themself, to the point all of my children now appear to avoid spending time around SC, because they can't have a conversation with DH or me without SC interjecting. SC also doesn't seem capable of just "hanging out" - like, SC NEEDS attention.... can't just sit in a room, be chill, watch a bit of TV with the family or scroll through phone stuff and occasionally show each other or whatever - it has to be this like, SHOW, or has to have constant interaction like play a game with an adult for hours, or have an adult listen to them talk about themself. Not an exchange. A monologue.
They are also very selfish. One of my children (15) has shown relentless friendship and support, cooks for SC, lends SC money, listens to SC vent, gives SC advice, and tells us when SC might be unsafe. When my child recently had a friend over, they told SC that they would like said friend as they had lots in common. SC joked that they'd steal adi friend from my child. My childs response was that said friend is very loyal. SC then made a bracelet for this friend, and talked about all the topics SC knew the friend liked (they are autistic so have specific tastes) and said they were their favourites too. SC then kept entering my child's room with more gifts for the friend, and then refused to leave and it made my child feel left out, as SC did the whole domineering thing. I asked SC to give them space, as friend was here for a hangout with DC, and SCs response was "I am very very lonely and feel sad all by myself, it isn't my fault if friend likes me better" and then text DC and said "told you I'd steal friend" My child is now disengaging because it all became too much. DC still chats and hangs out with SC but it is much less, and DC doesn't engage with the venting. DC even approached DH and warned him he'd probably have to deal with more issues with SC, due to the lack of willingness to support as much on my DC part going forwards.
How awful.
DH is basically useless. Very good at feeling sorry for my SC. And himself. Ironically, he thinks everything I've told him about that I've seen online is SC fabricating, just saying it all. But 100% believes everything SC tells him IRL.
I feel like this is really affecting my marriage. I'm in therapy now and I'm going to talk to her about it but I really just need to hear that I'm not a total c**t, for feeling this way.

@RegrettableDisaster , please leave. Otherwise social services will find out and you will lose your children. Is there father not concerned? Surely there is also a risk of him reporting you? You need to think seriously about the very likely effects on you & your kids if you can't act.
I'm really hoping you can get out & give yourself & kids the life you all deserve.

Hi.

I've read the replies over the last couple of hours or so, and taken it all in. I have a few things I want to say about it all and an update. It will be long. TL/DR - then why are you bothering with this thread?

First, I know from my post, it seems like my DC aren't being cared for/needs met/welfare supported but that couldn't be further from the truth. All the DC - Steps included, have extra needs. That means, they all have attributes that affect other people, struggle with societal expectations, behaviours, and mental health - all in their own unique, and sometimes challenging ways. These things phase out, come and go, or disappear completely.

Whilst I feel things have gone too far, which is why I reached out, I still feel I have given my DC very good and strong support, my SC good and strong support, and I still stand by my decision to blend our families because at the time, nothing like this was remotely evident. The same can be said for my DH when we blended families - no children are predictable, and when all DC were young, they loved each other, loved each other's company, and it genuinely was very lovely. Things change when DC grow into teens. Some children find the transitional phases of the teenage years more challenging than others. That's without the addition of additional needs, toxic parents, or blended families.

To anyone who thinks people shouldn't have blended families, God forbid your DP should ever leave you and you should ever fall in love with someone who has children.

I have made mistakes. I have sometimes been less of a parent than I should have been. But I defy any of you to be able to tell anyone, hand on heart, that you're a perfect parent.

My child who moved out (DC2) - I will always carry guilt, but it wasn't as straightforward as them leaving because of SC/overcrowding the house. They have always struggled to be part of a large household - even before DSC were on the scene as visiting kids (with nobody moved in) DC2 grew up with very challenging behaviour, and with a father who refused to engage, despite DC2s desperation for his bio Dad. As I did state, the last few years they grew closer and found more common ground as DC2 grew up, so whilst I will always feel sad that DC2 isn't here, I would have made the same choice without SC being here. DC2 is 100% happier where they are now. Close to College, has a job, close to grandparents who are still alive, and even has friends in the town (had none in my town) To give context to how challenging the behaviour had been, DC1 and DC3 don't want to see DC2 currently, because everything DC2 did was directed at them. I see DC2 regularly, and DC2 calls DH weekly.

I find it odd that DC2 going to live with bio Dad isn't acceptable to people, but maybe I didn't give enough back story?

Kids are individuals, and my other SCs relationship and experience with their bio Dad is quite different to their siblings one. Their bio Dad feels an affinity with DC2, because he sees similar traits to when he was growing up. DC2 is the only child he can truly relate to. So, in short, he is a decent father to DC2 and an inadequate one to the rest of his children. It's not exactly ideal, it's dysfunctional, but it always has been. DC2 had long been having week long stays at bio Dad's on their own out of choice. If SC moved out tomorrow, DC2 would still not be coming back. DC2 wore me down to the bone after my mother died. I needed bio Dad to step up. So did the siblings. Regardless of SC.

Regarding SC - there is no physical danger. SC is not biologically male. I'm also not a helpless feeble person, I am quite capable, as a mother of four, all with additional needs, of handling a meltdown of any magnitude. But there is no physical threat.

I'll tell you how I saw it. My DH didn't leave when my DC2 was making everyone miserable. He stayed. He still hasn't abadoned DC2 even noe, when he could easily pare it back. I needed DC2s stepmum and bio Dad to step up and support them, so what kind of person would I be if I wasn't willing to do the same?

I also saw a child in need. A child who had been controlled by a parent. my DH being helpless. the bio Mum lying to cover her tracks so even extended family couldn't help because they didn't know. I couldn't not help them. I had hoped for better support. From DH. From Social Services. But guess what? SS did jack shit. They signed everything off because SC was safe from harm and that was that.

My DC have a very strong relationship with me - we talk all the time and the only mistake I have ever made is not making DH accountable for his child's actions.

I should have told him more..I should have pressed issues and I should have forced him to sort things out.

I issued an ultimatum. That's why I've been silent for a few days. I laid out exactly where the massive cracks are and what he needs to do to fix them. I have told him that things cannot go on this way, with my DC being so affected and if things do not change, he and SC will have to leave. At first, his reaction was disbelief, protecting his SC, and not really understanding where I was coming from. As I mentioned in my last update, he was a bit recriminatory. But I pushed him. I made it very clear. Grey rock I think they call it. I told him I loved him, but that the situation is untenable and cannot carry on.

I have spoken to my DC. DC1 said, whilst they find some aspects of SCs behaviour irritating (relating to dramatics) they've been through a lot. DC1 said that a bunch of their friends have so many issues, and loads of people give up on them, so they are glad I didn't. They felt that DC2 was much worse, affected them much more, because DC2 targeted people. DC3, my child who really befriended SC, said that problems like this aren't worth him losing what he called "The best father I could want" and even though he found it horrifying what SC divulged to him, he understands SC and even though sometimes finds them overwhelming, people make mistakes. DC4 was more conflicted. DC4 doesn't get along with SC much - they don't fight, but they have no common ground. DC4 has a strong relationship with DH, they spend a lot of time making music together and hanging out. DC4 bounty said, in an ideal world, SC wouldn't live with us, but DH would stay.

As SCs bio Mum is not allowed to have any contact with SC, there is no additional family support.

I think someone on this thread tried to imply DH carried out the SA on SC rather than the bio mum. I've nothing to say on that front. If I defend him, it won't mean anything to the people who have decided that is the narrative. But, I know it was the bio Mum. Because SC2 & SC3 have told the same story about her to me. I reported it, Police showed up to their school, talked to them, and established there was no current risk because the children didn't disclose anything. They were put on a CIN by SS, but very sadly, they didn't disclose anything with further discussions. As SS can't ask leading questions, it was closed eventually. Bio Mum got character references from all her med professional friends and the Headteacher (they are friends IRL - have parties together) and as SC2 & SC3 present well, because they are coached by their mother - nothing further could be done to protect them. Apparently, we are "free to report any concerns in the future".

Although they did note that SC3 was being coached from bio Mum to feign symptoms of a disorder. Which was challenged.

It's all ever so complicated. And ever so difficult.

The outcome is this:

my therapist is going to support me by ensuring I am communicating properly with DH

DH is going to do better - if he doesn't, him and SC are going to move in with his Mum.

I have done a referral to mental health support for DC4, and DC3 already has support at their school.

SC already has CAMHS support, and I have asked DHs mum to pay for private therapy for EMDR. Someone on the thread mentioned it. I have had it myself, so I know that it's effective for traumas. I can't believe I didn't think of it myself.

I'm putting the last of my faith into DH to sort his shit out. I haven't given him a time limit, but my gut feeling is, if things haven't dramatically improved by Christmas, then DH and SC will have to leave.

@RegrettableDisaster thank you for the update. You sound much calmer than your original post which hopefully means you are in a better head space. It’s clear it’s a very complicated situation and it’s easy for others to judge without all the information and context. It sounds like you are making sensible choices and have done your best to support each child at every stage. Fingers crossed SC will engage with EMDR and find it beneficial.

It’s terrifying that the younger SC are still living with a mother you and DH believe to be abusive and that there is no current action you can take to protect them from her. It’s awful that testimony from eldest SC isn’t enough to protect the younger ones. Hopefully DH still has regular contact time with his youngest DC and is able to support them and hopefully get them removed if they ever disclose again.

Wonderful update. They are all very lucky to have you. What of your sc though. ? Have you talked to them and told them how you feel. It’s always amazing to me that children with extreme out of control behaviours can usually when the6 hit the bottom line, rein it in .

I haven't. DH is quite quick to talk me down, so to speak, and SC is pretty quick to write people off if they take issue with stuff. I am getting more comfortable with it though, the idea of telling them when I feels wrong. When you know someone is prone to bouts of poor MH and suicidal attempts/cries out, it's very hard to know what may trigger that reactive behaviour.

But I'm by no means the type of person to give in for a quiet life, make no mistake about that. I just want to be careful. Alienating the SC from me won't help either. So I'm strategic. I get a lot of help from his AP, I talk to them regularly. I disclose stuff to his Nan so she doesn't run away with any ideas put in her head by SC. I just try to balance things.

The other SCs - I fear for them. I don't know what else we can do. DH sees them once every week, then an extra day on the odd weeks. That's all they can manage as she keeps them busy/takes them on impromptu holidays a lot. They do talk to him though. But are becoming more reticent. I haven't seen them for 8 months. They don't want to see me anymore. Assuming this is down to bio Mum, as there's no reason for it that's come from me. Its pretty painful because I've been in their lives for 8 years.

yes, when I wrote my post, I was so desperate. I had chatted to my therapist and she had suggested that my DH doesn't like to face responsibility, and it sort of all came crashing down in my head.

I am also going to try and rekindle old friendships I used to have. At 40 it will feel odd but even if I don't confide in them, I can at least have a friendly distraction away from the home.

I also plan to make time for just me and my DC. To do fun things. Inject some joy.

Thank you for coming back with an update. I agree you sound much calmer. It’s good to read too you plan to reach out to old friends.

I think the sticking point is going to be SCs mental health. SC likes to use all the terminology they have come across through the years with CAMHS and the Internet. One tiny thing happens and the world is over. Tonight they reached out to me, saying "I can't stop thinking about suicide or hurting others or hurting myself" and tbh I felt at a loss. So much has been happening the past two years,.particularly the past year, and then the past 6 months on top that I felt really disinclined to help. I threw a bunch of suggestions at him knowing that DH would be home momentarily. But it's coincidentally a huge issue when I know he doesn't want to go to school tomorrow, because he wants to avoid another kid (who is in the care system) who made him feel uncomfortable taking banter too far. But honestly, nothing different that SC does or says at school, it just depends on his own mood whether he accepts others doing it. So this other kid has very unclear boundaries. And now SC is reaping the consequences. Which are, the kid made a comment about SC, then when SC didn't laugh, other kid kept repeating it. Expecting a laugh. It was inappropriate but not the worst I've heard even from SC.

He also has declared one of his friends transphobic. Because they reacted badly to him "confessing" he's "not really a guy" - all along this other kid thought he was, and I think had a crush and was probably overwhelmed and embarrassed. But SC has dubbed her transphobic.

There needs to be a bit of a reprieve in this stuff before we can 'begin again or it's just feeling the same.

Op I can see you are set in the course of action you have set out. I personally think you should ask him to leave now and have been manipulated into continuing a relationship that is damaging your own children but I appreciate we are strangers on the internet and it's hard to fully understand all the nuances. Please come back again and update. I think a lot of us are really worried about your kids.

I see you spoke to your kids about how they feel in step kid staying/going. While I think it's positive you are considering your kids feelings and factoring that into your decision you need to realise they are kids and you are the adults. They can't fully understand the implications of decisions made on this and they emotionally are not mature enough to have that responsibility placed on them. Are your kids girls? Girls are socially programmed to put others before themselves to their own detriment far too much.... I mean just look what you have put yourself through for step child and taking in a man who doesn't seem to pull his weight or work that much? You have modelled self sacrifice to your kids. Also the fact your ex friend didn't like your husband and how you have no friends is a red flag to me. You are certainly being used by your husband but lots of flags in your posts making me think maybe he's emotionally abused you and there is some coercive control here. Do t forgot abusé victims have very strange binds to their abusers, you said yourself step kids have lied to cover up what their mother has done to them- they want to stay with the person who abused them. You can't expect your kids to realise it's best for them not to live with step child let alone voice that need to you.

I'd be very concerned about the furry persona. You should look I to the link and filth in that community. If step child is in that community online they are being influenced into the things like the dildo which is then coming I to your children's life's. Violent sexual practices (using a fil do until they bleed etc) is not normal and violent porn and online sex talk is leading to our young girls being victims of horrible things and not realising it's wrong half the time and boys perpetrators because of all the influences on them. I read an article just today that the age reporting the most rapes are 14 year old girls. You need to protect your own children from being desensitised to how not ok violent sexual practices are. There is also a link between sudden onset gender disphoria in natal females when they hit puppetry and start receiving sexual attention due to their female body. The states on patterns of criminal behaviour within the trans prison population is scary i won't say them because I think you need to do your own research and read multiple sources and look at their sources and at the size of research sample sizes for the studies you read. This is what step child is potentially being exposed to within a community and then bringing it I to your house to your children.

Yes it's aweful step child has suffered so much and is hurting so much but you need to put your own children first. On a personal note I Will say m parents fostered amd they took in a teen who was no where near as bad as your step kid. But the impact on me had left resentment my parents prioritised that child over their own. That kid had suffered, I knew that at the time and mostly got on with them. But now I'm an adult and a parent myself I look back I've lost a lot of respect for my parents for exposing their own children to what we saw even though I can see foster kid was more vulnerable than I was because it had life long impact on me learning and seeing things I shouldn't have learned so young. So you may think your relationship with your kids is fine and strong and they don't resent you but don't forget they are still kids amd don't really understand the responsibility a parent had to their children as an adult does

I'm sorry I'm going to go against the grain here and say your updates to me raise a number of issues. The tone of your response was I've identified this, I'm doing that, this is the reason for this, I've done that, the outcome is I am arranging therapy for everyone.

To me, you seem to be trying so hard to fix this and you should definitely be commended for this. But you don't have a team around you to help, your husband has been given the ultimatum but isn't going above and beyond like you are, it feels like he only is seeing your view due to the threat of eviction with no real actions!

Deeds not words!

As for your solutions, therapy for everyone is a wonderful suggestion, but the root cause is still there. Ask yourself, would your children have need such support if you had never met this man? Does him getting on with the kids really outweigh the cost to their mental health and happiness at home?

I absolutely do not want to be negative when you are trying so hard to keep your family together, the lyrics 'my fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundations. You know I want to let go but I can't' spring to mind, and I fear all this worry, angst, shouldering the responsibility of everyone's wellbeing is only going to lead to you burning out.

If he doesn't begin to show actions and support to help you become a team, let go in the long run no one but him benefits.

Your SC sounds like a full-blown controlling narcissist with a severe personality disorder who takes ZERO responsibility for her actions. I know you want to help her, but just because your kids say they can handle her or acknowledge she's been through a lot doesn't mean you should take them at their word and override your parenting. You essentially asked them for their permission about her staying there but what you should have done is made the decision she has to go. You and DH have groomed your kids to believe they should put up with her while helping her. I call bs on that.

Some of your DC may very well believe they can handle living with her, but they shouldn't because it's not good for them. SC is a hot mess and even though you acknowledge that to your kids, her mere presence in their young lives has and will continue to harm them.

I'm not so sorry, I agree with the majority of this, you haven't really listened to your children they do not want to live with your SC, they need to go now not in 3 months.
I don't hold much hope anything will change soon if at all, including the ultimatum set, you've left yourself open to more manipulation.

Ok, this is my personal view and nothing else. I would suggest your step daughter needs serious help to deal with her mental health issues. She maybe even needs to be sectioned/ go to a psychiatric hospital. She is a danger to herself/ others (she makes no secret of it). I have no idea what led to her getting to this state but I think you and your husband are not taking it seriously enough. If there is no help available on the NHS, I would go private. She urgently needs help, and she should not be around other children.

It's almost like your house is on fire and you are chosing to save the arsonist first rather than the innocent victims.

I have no doubt that your SC has a multitude of mental health issues. All of which need to be prioritied and addressed by experts. While I understand your empathy, it appears that your partner has done next to nothing to get them the support they need. In the meantime, you are risking your own children's mental health and wellbeing.

I'm really glad you came back to update OP. There was very genuine concern for you and your children in this thread.

I sadly think your faith in your DH is misplaced, but wish you well.

Her sc sounds like a teenage girl who has been sexually abused for years.

So tonight they've admitted they "can't stop" thinking about killing themselves and/or hurting other people, and your response is.... pretty much nothing?

I despair for your kids, really I do.

as someone else has said, this is something you are reading on the Internet. you don't know everything about the situation, only what I've been able to write down. SC says this at least once a week. Usually to avoid something he doesn't want to do.

It is true that he's been exposed to a multitude of awful things.

It is interesting to me.how I am.villified for caring, vilified for not, vilified if I do help SC, vilified if I don't... it's a really strange response.

I do my best to balance everything.

Funny enough, SC monopolised an hour of DHs time (after learning of a promise that DH made to DC4 about doing something together when he got back in the evening) and wanted to hedge his bets to avoid going to school tomorrow. Sure enough, he secured DHs time. I haven't even asked what DH is doing about school. I almost don't want to.

And fwiw, school is 3 hours long. Today, when he attended, he took a nap, after eating a second breakfast there, and then did some art after his nap.

Part of the reason I don't work at a job is so someone is always home for SC. I work from home trying to build up my own business. He gets 3 hours of time without DCs in the house where he can be around us. But he chooses not to. He just goes to his room, piling yet anothet plate of food on top of a stack of other used plates.

He seems to want to choose to either "need" attention when DCs are home, or he insists on full on, undivided attention until they get back.

In reality, there are about 2 hours after errands/school runs in the morning where I/DH have no commitments. That's if we don't get a call from SC school. SC is home by 12.45.

So there are plenty of opportunities for him to interact with DH or me, or go out and browse the shops.

I feel like I just go round in circles. Truth be told, because he intentionally wants there to be issues, I find it harder and harder to be there for it? He acts like he doesn't want to get better. He advertises his self harm scars, he wants everyone to know he's trans but won't accept anyone's genuine reaction to that, he shaved his head the other day (went to the barber) and that resulted in him forcing it to be a topic of convo for a week. Insisting his Dad touched his head every 5 minutes.

He doesn't qualify for in patient care. Should I be telling CAMHS every time he says anything at all? They seem to expect us to just get on with it.

I’m not a monster, I know how difficult it is to see this, and I have years of experience working with troubled children. But, Stepchild needs to be put in their place. And I do know that’s difficult when they threaten suicide, but you are allowing this child’s chaos to become everyone’s reality. Follow your instinct. Mute your responses, do not be derailed . Tell your husband that if child doesn’t go to school, he looks after them. I bet attendance will miraculously improve. And if it doesn’t, send them to Nanna. But I would urge you to ask this child what they want. Because currently they are setting themselves up for a life of fractured relationships and failure. If that’s not the future they see for themselves , if they want to live with you, then they need to stop acting like an arsehole.

It does rather read that way.

OP, thanks for updating. I'm so glad you have - your thread has really played on my mind. I think you sound like an enormously compassionate person, who wants to do good and get things right.

That said, it's all about your SC again. Nearly every line of each post. Your DC get so few mentions, because they're fine, love your DH and are just getting on with things, according to your posts. The catastrophic effect all of this is bound to be having on them is barely acknowledged.

I KNOW your SC needs help. I feel very sorry for them. However, I agree wholeheartedly with the poster upthread who pointed out that your DC cannot make decisions like the ones you're loading onto them. They're probably trying to help you in some way by dialling down their own feelings and being chipper to make life easier. They don't want to be any trouble.

I'm actually gutted for your DC that they're in this situation for another 3 months at least.

It is interesting to me.how I am.villified for caring, vilified for not, vilified if I do help SC, vilified if I don't... it's a really strange response.

I do my best to balance everything.

The thing is, it is not your responsibility to balance everything. Your responsibility is first and foremost to your children and that is why you are being "vilified". You are failing your children by trying to save someone else's child. You don't need to find a balance. You need to remove the thing that is bringing negativity to your children's lives. Can you honestly say your children would be worse off by not having this drama in their lives? Just look at what your third child said. Really look at it. What that child has been exposed to is horrendous and the poor kid wants to keep putting up with it because they don't want to lose their stepfather. That is heartbreaking. It's what every person who stays in an abusive relationship goes through. They put up with abuse so they don't lose the good things. These children are being forced to find empathy and understanding just so they don't lose their stepfather. A stepfather who is happy to put them through all this.

They're too young right now to understand all this, but one day they will look back at this and see it for what it is. They will see that none of the parental figures in their lives put them first.

I agree with Holly. Op your job isn’t to save anyone else, it’s your job to protect your own children. It’s your job to ensure they do not endure traumatic experiences in their lives as far as possible.

Choosing to sacrifice yourself is your choice, the wrong one, but, nonetheless, your choice.

Sacrificing your children by continuing to subject them to this horror show is a failure of your responsibility as a parent.

They should not be in this environment a moment longer. They have already suffered too much.

There's so much dumb blaming the poster for what is a tricky situation with no easy answers. it's not simple. It's not obvious. She can't just snap her fingers and not be embedded in her own family dynamics. She needs to think it through - that's what she's doing here! Also I think she's made it clear that she was in a state of high emotion when she first posted, and it's not quite as stark as it sounded in the opening post. People love an open-and-shut case but real life isn't like that.

People are talking as if she's discovered her partner is sexually abusing her children and she's not sure whether to leave.

What's actually happening is she's discovered her vulnerable step child - who she's saving from sexual abuse - is bringing some disturbed behaviour into the home.

I mean - it ain't that obvious to me that she should just kick the SC out.

In addition, she's realised she's got to confront her husband and take him on about taking more responsibility. She dreads it and finds it hard but the medicine must be swallowed. That's very, very deeply ordinary.

thank you so much for this comment. you are right. I have to give this time because I haven't challenged issues as they've arisen. That is my fault, but I am trying. I have found this thread useful and helpful to make me feel braver confronting my DH. He also isn't a bad man. My DC would be devastated if we divorced so I need to be sure, absolutely sure, that it is the right decision should I choose to make it. I need to allow a period for DH to show me he is going to step up and confront the actions of his child.

I would also like to make it clear that my DC are not exposed to everything that SC does. A lot of it genuinely flies under their radar. The most affected is DC3, because of the friendship with SC. As DC3 has disengaged for the time being, it is a healthy choice for his wellbeing.

And, not that it makes much difference, all my DCs are males.

Thank you again for the genuine concern, the questions, the reality checks, and eye opening statements. And thank you to anyone who has any empathy for my DC, SC, SCs not with us, and myself.

I will update the thread again.