Not sure I can cope. Please Read

[RegrettableDisaster]

I don't know how all this will come across.
Everything feels like a huge mess.
I may word this oddly as I don't want to give away details of genders etc because both my DH and Stepchild spend a huge amount of time online and you just never know. So some things have been changed or worded weirdly.
I have a 14 year old trans stepchild. They came to live with me and their Dad (my DH) when they were 12, after multiple "suicide attempts" whilst still living with the Mother. They'd been out of school for a year. The Mother was at her wits end and making everything worse. She was emotionally abusive or emotionally absent. Controlling. Imposed restrictive eating to keep child looking slim. Criticised child's friends. Drank far too much, far too regularly. Introduced many men to her children and openly used them for her own gain - e.g getting them to pay for holidays, equipment she wanted, or days out. So all the stepchildren were regularly exposed to what can only be described as a scattershot, dismal lifestyle where people are commodities.
Before SC came here, DH helped for one extra day a week on top of his access arrangements but it wasn't enough.
He shied away from being too available due to his ex wife being controlling and taking advantage. (really unusal requests like "lend me your car for work" "stay in my house for a week to look after me and the children because I'm too ill with flu"
Not to mention how she would communicate with me. She often tried to convince me that DH tried to get her back when DH and I got together. That he preferred skinny women. All sorts of weird stuff.
So in short, DH kept her at arms length because she regularly overstepped boundaries and exaggerated facts. It was always difficult to get a clear picture if how the kids were, and DH based a lot of their wellbeing on how they presented during his time with them.
Dhring this time, there was support from CAMHS for SC.
A tutor for education.
SC refused to engage with tutor, or CAMHS most of the time.
The Mother was manipulative with CAMHS workers (even started dating one of them who was engaged with my Stepchild, who subsequently lost their job)
The suicide attempts just seemed like they weren't real. Like they were ways to get attention or a need met, but not real.
We were told things like "child has slashed his neck 21 times" but there were tiny grazes not even as severe as a kitten scratch. Or things like "Child has drunk bleach - awaiting ambulance" and it would transpire he had swallowed half a capful and so wasn't even taken to hospital. As it mostly came from the Mother it was hard to know what was real, and she never let DH see any paperwork or anything. The final time it happened, the Mother text DH from hospital, saying SC was going to try again as soon as they left, and sounded very checked out of trying to help anymore, so DH rang hospital and asked for my SC to not be released from care. They agreed for a 2 night stay. The Mother was angry we had intervened. I'm not sure what her goal was.
During this hospital stay, SC regularly updated their WhatsApp status to hint that they had tried to KTS.
SC was a complete mess when they came to live with us. Had been removed by the police for attempting to hurt the Mother and placed with us, and it was requested by SS, that SC remain here, and as SC wanted to, it was sorted.
SC slept on the sofa in the living room for 6 months because there wasn't a bedroom available. SC declared the living room was their bedroom and nobody was to enter after 7.30pm as they wanted to call friends and have privacy, whuch was awkward as the living room is a walk through to the kitchen from the stairs. It sucked because there were times when SC would "have a meltdown" and then "need" everyone to stay out of the living room at odd times, especially during school breaks, so basically everyone started living in their rooms. I get how awful it was for SC to not have a bedroom. So, when it became obvious it was going to be permanent, DH and I took the living room and we swapped around my kids so Stepchild could have a bedroom. We slept downstairs for 9 more months. At least it meant we could allow unrestricted access at sensible hours and could encourage family time once more.
Still, everything had to be different - no more razors or bleach in the house. (to prevent self harm) No more pencil sharpeners. (to prevent self harm) Locked up medication. (to prevent overdose) No more spray deodorant or air fresheners. (to prevent substance abuse) No lighters for candles. (to prevent setting fires in the bedroom) Everything mentioned in brackets they had been doing at Mother's.
They still manahed to self harm a bunch, found ways - stolen scissors from my kids who tried to hide them, finding razors hidden at the back of cupboards and taking blades from them (that was fun when I went to shave my legs one evening)
Eventually we managed to find everything.
Then DH let them have their own PayPal account and they ordered blades from Ebay.
CAMHS have barely helped/been effective therapeutically.
During this time, my mother died, my 15 year old couldn't cope with all the masses of change, so went to live with their Dad. I cannot express how painful it is.

My DH, me, and my stepchild now live with my other three children. I have an 18 year old, a 14 year old and a 15 year old. (my now 16 year old is enjoying living with their Dad, has been there a year and I am happy they are okay)
But I'm finding this all very difficult now, 2 years on.
Believe me when I say I've been really supportive. I took courses in mental health first aid and mental health in teens to make sure I was at my best to cope.
I helped with communication with the Mother to arrange access. I supervised it at stepchilds request. Invited her into my home, despite her saying our house is disgusting/too small/a weird colour/looks like a hospital!
I ran to the rescue when things went wrong during what eventually led to unsupervised visits at the Mother's house, an hour away.
I have provided an ear, a shoulder, comfort, comfort food, learned all their favourite things and spent time with them. I have absolutely made them a part of the household as if they always lived here.
I am here all the time. Like I'm always home, unless I'm running family errands. DH works part time self employed during the evenings, about four or five evenings a week, has two or three days a week out of the house all afternoon/day/early evening seeing his other two children (same mother as his child who lives with us)
DH also sees friends, on and off, not with regularity but on average once a month.
My stepchild recently accused their mother of sexual abuse during their early years, and there was a resulting police investigation. Stepchild had a formal interview and so did the Mother. Nothing came of it. Stepchild now says they are worried they imagined it.
But now, their siblings (10 and 11) don't want to see my stepchild, because their Mother told them their sibling tried to ruin her life. She has also driven a wedge between me and them, meaning both the younger ones have refused to see me, my children, or their siblings since February this year. They won't visit us at our house, which is why DH spends so much more time out of the house, taking them out.
I have started to feel resentful of this situation and the fact it isn't improving.
I keep finding things online that stepchild posts that put them at risk/make them vulnerable. E.G they boasts openly about their self harm. They even posted a photo of fresh cuts on YouTube once, calling them "fresh babies". They made a post a couple months ago that they regularly "huff" and have done since they were 10, and everyone thinks they are just a funny, chill person when they are actually Hugh all the time.
They ordered a dildo online and then graphically described to my child about trying it out and training their (biological) genitalia to "take it" even talking about bleeding. My child told me where it was hidden and I threw it out. Stepchild even confronted my child about where it had gone, once discovered it was missing, and my child confessed they had told me about it and it was thrown away for stepchilds own safety and explained the level of appropriateness for a 14 year old and sex toys.
Once when stepchild came home angrily and upset from a visit with their Mother because she'd mentioned weight, stepchild grabbed a bunch of antidepressants and swallowed them, then got onto a group chat and told the group chat, "Goodbye" upsetting a tonne of teenagers online, including one of my children (the same one above) who was part of the chat, who rushed to tell me (as I was cooking dinner, unaware there had even been an issue)
My child has disclosed to me that SC engages in sex role plays online.
I have seen ads that are shown on my phone, related to content viewed on our IP address, that tell me SC reads BDSM sex stories. This was going on for months until I got sick of seeing the ads as I couldn't block them, so I had to ask all the children. SC confessed it was them. And admonished me for bringing it up.
These issues have tipped it over the edge for me. I feel like my children are being exposed to all this and it isn't fair.
My stepchild goes to a 3 hour per day alternative provision, a bit like school, but only a handful of kids, and very low pressure. They regularly don't bother with work and it almost seems like when they are pushed, they have a big explosion.
They recently told a staff member they tried to hang himself whilst staying overnight with their (very much loved) Nan. They then text DH and told him, hoping to prevent school from telling us I think. School have had to report it, of course. So I expect to hear from professionals once more.
I have a huge issue with this act because I discovered my friend dead from hanging when I was 15 and it's haunted me, despite therapy multiple times.
I am at a loss.
I feel for the child very much. I also feel for my own children.
I also dread stepchild being around. They aren't great at socialising- they tends to dominated a room and make everything about themself, to the point all of my children now appear to avoid spending time around SC, because they can't have a conversation with DH or me without SC interjecting. SC also doesn't seem capable of just "hanging out" - like, SC NEEDS attention.... can't just sit in a room, be chill, watch a bit of TV with the family or scroll through phone stuff and occasionally show each other or whatever - it has to be this like, SHOW, or has to have constant interaction like play a game with an adult for hours, or have an adult listen to them talk about themself. Not an exchange. A monologue.
They are also very selfish. One of my children (15) has shown relentless friendship and support, cooks for SC, lends SC money, listens to SC vent, gives SC advice, and tells us when SC might be unsafe. When my child recently had a friend over, they told SC that they would like said friend as they had lots in common. SC joked that they'd steal adi friend from my child. My childs response was that said friend is very loyal. SC then made a bracelet for this friend, and talked about all the topics SC knew the friend liked (they are autistic so have specific tastes) and said they were their favourites too. SC then kept entering my child's room with more gifts for the friend, and then refused to leave and it made my child feel left out, as SC did the whole domineering thing. I asked SC to give them space, as friend was here for a hangout with DC, and SCs response was "I am very very lonely and feel sad all by myself, it isn't my fault if friend likes me better" and then text DC and said "told you I'd steal friend" My child is now disengaging because it all became too much. DC still chats and hangs out with SC but it is much less, and DC doesn't engage with the venting. DC even approached DH and warned him he'd probably have to deal with more issues with SC, due to the lack of willingness to support as much on my DC part going forwards.
How awful.
DH is basically useless. Very good at feeling sorry for my SC. And himself. Ironically, he thinks everything I've told him about that I've seen online is SC fabricating, just saying it all. But 100% believes everything SC tells him IRL.
I feel like this is really affecting my marriage. I'm in therapy now and I'm going to talk to her about it but I really just need to hear that I'm not a total c**t, for feeling this way.

He doesn't need convincing op, YOU tell HIM he is no longer welcome and he needs to take SC with him and actually parent his messed up child AWAY from your children.
Tell him, don't argue about it just say you won't change your mind and this is what's happening.

I have to say this, your DH is manipulating you! If he really cared why did he not organise private therapy initially when the issues started. I understand it can be difficult to break free of cohesive control and feel as though you can never be happy or strong enough. I as a 23 year old women walked out of a lovely upper middle class house in an area well known for Northern celebrities and footballers. I had to deal with the locals gossiping and passing comments about the situation. Too ashamed to say I was being abused by my ex-husband and adopted father so just said nothing and let people make nasty comments. I put myself in a women’s refuge, with nothing but my clothes. Even there I was thought of as the posh girl, and had to listen to comments from others and I still said nothing. I lost literally everything but found a little bit of dignity and education (that is a different story though). My point is if a 23 year can walk away from a lovely house, fancy cars and holidays. You can also leave a charming abuser, that is what he is, manipulating you. You may have had difficulties with one of your DC. Sexual abuse, (the dildo incident is sexual abuse) of your DC is not a difficulty it is a crime and could have long lasting consequences. Just like my ex-husband and adoptive father a charming abuser (monsters in real life do not show the true face, they have a mask). Say the things to make you doubt yourself, know what buttons to press and make you feel guilt and feel sorry for them. If he really cared for you never mind loved you, he would understand. He is essentially now expecting his mother to deal with it instead. Another poster suggested DH himself maybe the abuser of SC, honestly it would not shock me if this was the case. I can say from afar he is abusing and behaving in cohesive manner towards you and your DC. If you cannot leave for yourself do it for your children. My adoptive mother admitted to me as an adult she knew the truth about my adoptive father and still refused to leave him. I have never been able to forgive her for not protecting me. In the end I went NC and even 20 years later it hurts, yet I would never go back. Please listen to me and others, your DC as adults will sadly be impacted by this, children understand much more than we realise. You and your children deserve better than being abused by DH and SC. If a 23 year old can walk away with nothing and put herself in a women’s refuge surly you can do this for your DC and yourself.

@RegrettableDisaster im also concerned about how all this started at your DH’s clear lack of action to support all his children. You say: The Mother …was emotionally abusive or emotionally absent. Controlling. Imposed restrictive eating to keep child looking slim. Criticised child's friends. Drank far too much. Introduced many men to her children. So all the stepchildren were regularly exposed to what can only be described as a scattershot, dismal lifestyle where people are commodities.
Before SC came here, DH helped for one extra day a week on top of his access arrangements but it wasn't enough.

Why did your DH not do more to protect his children and why are two of them still living with a woman you have described as extremely unstable and possibly dangerous for them to be with? I know you said your husband finds her difficult to deal with but it sounds like he’s taking the easy option in every situation, ignoring and down playing the problems so he doesn’t actually have to do anything. How could you marry a man with so little backbone? I’m not trying to attack you because I realise you are in a very difficult and distressing situation. More trying to draw your attention to the issues that have possibly been there since the start of your relationship but you have dismissed. Your friend clearly saw this so why didn’t you?

Your husband threatening to end the marriage if you don’t stay says an awful lot about him too, none of it good. He’s not hearing you. Issues in relationships are the two of you vs the problem not you vs him. You are trying to work with him to move forward by taking some space, he’s pitting himself against you by giving you an unreasonable ultimatum that offers no room for compromise.

I think that SC is obviously very troubled. On the other hand, they also seem to enjoy playing up to this 'troubled' image and using it to get attention. All the posting online and really minor "suicide attempts" seem to indicate a need for attention rather than a desire to cause genuine harm to themself.

When reading this, my only thought was, "You have children. SC is not your child. SC is really messing up your children." As a mother, you need to put your own children first. SC is not your responsibility; your own children are. SC is exposing your children to some VERY dark stuff that could really fck them up. The weird sexual stuff, the self harm, the calculated "I'm going to steal your friend" which basically shows that SC doesn't give a sht about your children and is only out for themself. Your child will be taking this on board, it will be affecting their self esteem.

If I were in this situation, I just couldn't continue. My own children are too important, they will always come first, before anyone else. If I had to move out the home with my own children - or ask SC and DH to move out, I would. I would ensure that my children didn't have to be exposed to this anymore. It really isn't okay, it really isn't good for your children, or you. I don't know what to suggest. I can't think of any solution other than to divide the households.

Your poor children. They must feel so unimportant, like background characters in the SC show.

Agree that you need to prioritise yourself and your kids here.

He’s hoping you don’t mean it. You need to be clear that you do- give him until the weekend. If I’ve read correctly he and SC could move in with his mum anyway.

You’ve tried your best and been reasonable- if he chooses to give you an ultimatum rather than work with you and work with his SC, that’s not your fault.

He had a come back for all of them. Even remarked about 5 years ago, when my DS2 used to struggle to cope when DH brought his three kids to play... he said "I saw a microcosm of what someone else's child's behaviour does to a child" because my, at the time, 8 year old, struggled to accommodate a 6, 3, and 2 year old into his home

So he helped you with your DC2, great - but your DC2 struggled because of his three children being introduced into your household! He caused the problem, so he owed it to you to support you to work it out. Just like now he owes it to you not to let you have to deal alone with his severely disturbed DC.

This is heartbreaking for all the kids.

He needs to leave. Your children will not thank you for exposing them to this abuse.

And frankly what kind of Dad leaves his son to be abused? Presumably the other kids are still living there being abused.

Your dsc very much screams sexual abuse. And his cries for help might look attention motivated but he clearly needs proper help. He is begging for it.

Your DH is a shitty dad, and your kids need you to protect them.

I don't think dsc is a messed up lost cause. I think he is an abused child trying to cope in the only way he knows how. He's so young to be hurting himself and buying sex toys. 😢

You're bound to lose perspective & struggle to see things rationally in such an extreme & stressful situation🙏

What do you hope to achieve by having this conversation with him?

End it. No more talking. There are no upsides or "positives" about your situation. Your children have been harmed and are in danger. And no, the "great relationship" they have with their SD doesn't negate or reduce the danger. If he had any care for your children, he'd be doing more to protect them from this. He would be APPALLED by the degree of harm they have been exposed to. He is not. The more you drag out this relationship, the longer you will be leaving your children in danger. You cannot allow yourself to be manipulated into keeping this relationship going.
The bottom line here is that your children are being subjected to the consequences of your poor choices. They are watching, and they will remember this, and it will shape them.

@grannypants22 "However I have to ask if this were OPs biological child with her dh, what then? Would people still be saying kick them both out? Just because it's a 'step family' it doesn't make the bonds any less meaningful and the separation any more traumatic."

Completely disagree... the bonds ARE less meaningful. This is a step child. OP gave birth to her children, she has known them far longer than her DH and his children. Her priority should be her own children who are being harmed if left in this situation.

There's no point pondering what would happen if this was her own child... it is not her child, and not her responsibility. Her responsibility is to the children she brought into the world.

He thinks he can get his own way by making you feel guilty but he has so overplayed his hand with this ultimatum, threatening to leave?!
I'd say, 'is that a promise, can I have it in writing?'
The trash is offering to take itself out, hold the door open & lock it behind him!

Your SC's behaviour will get worse (and as soon as they leave education, reach mid/late teens, outside support will vanish). It's not evidential as yet, but you may have already fractured your relationship with your own children beyond repair.

Your choice is stark - a) stay and sacrifice ANY chance of normality b) leave.

The fact that you are having to justify your resultant state of mind to your husband demonstrates how far into the twilight zone you've gone. It's crazy. Utterly batshit. He's your problem. If it were me there'd be no further dialogue, his bags would be fucking packed.

DH, your stepchild is a danger to your children. I am so sorry. It may well be that the child is reacting to abuse that they received, but you now need to protect your children.

When I was 7, a group of secondary school boys groomed and abused me and my friends. The oldest boy would have been no more than 14; the youngest would have been 12. They were influenced by the pornography (magazines) available to them at that time.

There may have been other factors. Frankly, I don't care. The trauma and guilt they caused me had a profound effect on me. One of my my friends had her life ruined.

Save your children.

@SassK makes a good point about the end of SC education and what little support they receive now. Well, what little education and support they are engaging with.

What happens when this is over in 3 or 4 years? Most families look forward to their children heading off to college, uni, apprenticeship, work etc. This child may never do that. Are you willing to put up with this for another 10, 15, 20 years? This child might never, ever leave your house. Does this not terrify you?

You are sleeping downstairs, your children upstairs Can you be 💯 sure your children are not being abused by your SC.

I feel very sorry for you, but so much more sorrier for your poor children.

You keep saying what about the positives that DH brings to your children and the stability he brings and how much he loves them.

You are fooling yourself if you think this. How can there be any positives for your poor children in the situation you describe, which would be solved if DH and DSC leave and work on their relationship elsewhere.

DH seems to avoid doing any childcare or family care whatsoever. You said it was your house where he lived when he "chose" to.. indicating that he's often absent.

This situation is clearly ruining your life and the lives of your children. You've been unable to work to gain independence because your time is spent supervising the step child because you are so afraid of what might happen.

If you are in the UK, ring Womens Aid and get some help as soon as you can. You do not have to keep propping up people who are doing you and your children harm.

Is this real? What a horrible disgusting situation for your poor children. Fuck this drama. He can move out tomorrow.

"He still doesn't seem to understand. Said we've got a lot to look forward to with moving house and our future. I said that we won't even have a future on our own if he doesn't change the way he is with SC. He didn't see it. Seems to think SC will grow out of it or something... I'm not sure."

He absolutely does understand that you asked him to move out. He's just pretending not to.
All you've got to look forward to with him is more of the same
He won't change the way he is with SC as he's using you to cope with the situation.
There is nothing in your description to suggest that SC will grow out of this - only that it will get worse.

Every reason you give is bashed down so there is no point giving any more reasons. Just repeat the request.
It seems complicated but it isn't. They need to leave and then you need to repair your life and your children's lives.

Why won't your DH report it? Doesn't he want to protect his poor child, who he's helped screw up through negligence? That showd you. He doesn't care about anyone. Not SC, not you, not your kids. You all deserve better. OP, please save yourself & kids from this horrendous environment. as soon as you have the strength, report SC to social services. They need urgent help if they are to be saved. That's all you can do for then, then focus on yourself

This would be the absolute clincher for me. The very idea of my children being at risk of harm or false allegations - jings you wouldn't see me for dust!

Yo are deluded if you think there is some magic ‘help’ out there that makes this easier. There isn’t. So it’s continue to destroy your children’s lives or leave. That’s her options.

You are both making a mistake in believing that this is a negotiation.

It's not.

You need to tell him to leave. Not talk about his parenting - he should have stepped up years ago (frankly as should you).

Any discussion should be about the practical arrangements to separate.

Both of you don't want to report the sexual behaviours/online porn.

I understand why he doesn't but if you won't then you HAVE to protect your children.

All it will take is your child to disclose what's happening to a teacher because they are absolutely done with what's happening at home and a safeguarding will be raised and the fact you've done nothing to protect your children or get appropriate support for your SC will bite both of you in the ass - you especially and it's likely as per my pp that Social Services will be over you like a rash with at least a Child in Need Plan or more likely a Child Protection Plan.

As for him suggesting looking forward to the future...it just demonstrates how bloody clueless he is.

The future looks grim, very grim indeed. A change of setting is not going to fix anything.

Your children are not expendable assets in the bubble of denial you have both been living in.

If you want a relationship with your children in the years to come when they are no longer dependent on you then you need to act in their best interests now.

In 5/10 years time they will comprehend the enormity of what they had to live with.

You've talked about therapy for yourself and for your SC. Unless I've missed it (and apologies if I have) you've not mentioned that for your own children.....is that not very telling if that's the case, in still minimising their experiences?

I’d tell your DH to leave and take his kid with him. Fuck all this shite for someone else’s child

This! Your DH is NOT a good man. He cannot be trusted with anyone. You need to get help, you deserve it, you don't deserve this awful man offloading everything onto you. & your kids have no choice in this, you must protect them.

OP stop conversing with your DH. Tell him ‘you need to go, by tomorrow with your child’ and stick to it. There is really nothing to salvage here except perhaps the mental health of your own kids and a relationship with them into adulthood. My goodness the one who lives with their dad is going to have a hell of a lot of abandonment issues to work through over this…and you don’t care enough to kick your useless DH to the kerb? I don’t get it at all.