Not sure I can cope. Please Read

[RegrettableDisaster]

I don't know how all this will come across.
Everything feels like a huge mess.
I may word this oddly as I don't want to give away details of genders etc because both my DH and Stepchild spend a huge amount of time online and you just never know. So some things have been changed or worded weirdly.
I have a 14 year old trans stepchild. They came to live with me and their Dad (my DH) when they were 12, after multiple "suicide attempts" whilst still living with the Mother. They'd been out of school for a year. The Mother was at her wits end and making everything worse. She was emotionally abusive or emotionally absent. Controlling. Imposed restrictive eating to keep child looking slim. Criticised child's friends. Drank far too much, far too regularly. Introduced many men to her children and openly used them for her own gain - e.g getting them to pay for holidays, equipment she wanted, or days out. So all the stepchildren were regularly exposed to what can only be described as a scattershot, dismal lifestyle where people are commodities.
Before SC came here, DH helped for one extra day a week on top of his access arrangements but it wasn't enough.
He shied away from being too available due to his ex wife being controlling and taking advantage. (really unusal requests like "lend me your car for work" "stay in my house for a week to look after me and the children because I'm too ill with flu"
Not to mention how she would communicate with me. She often tried to convince me that DH tried to get her back when DH and I got together. That he preferred skinny women. All sorts of weird stuff.
So in short, DH kept her at arms length because she regularly overstepped boundaries and exaggerated facts. It was always difficult to get a clear picture if how the kids were, and DH based a lot of their wellbeing on how they presented during his time with them.
Dhring this time, there was support from CAMHS for SC.
A tutor for education.
SC refused to engage with tutor, or CAMHS most of the time.
The Mother was manipulative with CAMHS workers (even started dating one of them who was engaged with my Stepchild, who subsequently lost their job)
The suicide attempts just seemed like they weren't real. Like they were ways to get attention or a need met, but not real.
We were told things like "child has slashed his neck 21 times" but there were tiny grazes not even as severe as a kitten scratch. Or things like "Child has drunk bleach - awaiting ambulance" and it would transpire he had swallowed half a capful and so wasn't even taken to hospital. As it mostly came from the Mother it was hard to know what was real, and she never let DH see any paperwork or anything. The final time it happened, the Mother text DH from hospital, saying SC was going to try again as soon as they left, and sounded very checked out of trying to help anymore, so DH rang hospital and asked for my SC to not be released from care. They agreed for a 2 night stay. The Mother was angry we had intervened. I'm not sure what her goal was.
During this hospital stay, SC regularly updated their WhatsApp status to hint that they had tried to KTS.
SC was a complete mess when they came to live with us. Had been removed by the police for attempting to hurt the Mother and placed with us, and it was requested by SS, that SC remain here, and as SC wanted to, it was sorted.
SC slept on the sofa in the living room for 6 months because there wasn't a bedroom available. SC declared the living room was their bedroom and nobody was to enter after 7.30pm as they wanted to call friends and have privacy, whuch was awkward as the living room is a walk through to the kitchen from the stairs. It sucked because there were times when SC would "have a meltdown" and then "need" everyone to stay out of the living room at odd times, especially during school breaks, so basically everyone started living in their rooms. I get how awful it was for SC to not have a bedroom. So, when it became obvious it was going to be permanent, DH and I took the living room and we swapped around my kids so Stepchild could have a bedroom. We slept downstairs for 9 more months. At least it meant we could allow unrestricted access at sensible hours and could encourage family time once more.
Still, everything had to be different - no more razors or bleach in the house. (to prevent self harm) No more pencil sharpeners. (to prevent self harm) Locked up medication. (to prevent overdose) No more spray deodorant or air fresheners. (to prevent substance abuse) No lighters for candles. (to prevent setting fires in the bedroom) Everything mentioned in brackets they had been doing at Mother's.
They still manahed to self harm a bunch, found ways - stolen scissors from my kids who tried to hide them, finding razors hidden at the back of cupboards and taking blades from them (that was fun when I went to shave my legs one evening)
Eventually we managed to find everything.
Then DH let them have their own PayPal account and they ordered blades from Ebay.
CAMHS have barely helped/been effective therapeutically.
During this time, my mother died, my 15 year old couldn't cope with all the masses of change, so went to live with their Dad. I cannot express how painful it is.

My DH, me, and my stepchild now live with my other three children. I have an 18 year old, a 14 year old and a 15 year old. (my now 16 year old is enjoying living with their Dad, has been there a year and I am happy they are okay)
But I'm finding this all very difficult now, 2 years on.
Believe me when I say I've been really supportive. I took courses in mental health first aid and mental health in teens to make sure I was at my best to cope.
I helped with communication with the Mother to arrange access. I supervised it at stepchilds request. Invited her into my home, despite her saying our house is disgusting/too small/a weird colour/looks like a hospital!
I ran to the rescue when things went wrong during what eventually led to unsupervised visits at the Mother's house, an hour away.
I have provided an ear, a shoulder, comfort, comfort food, learned all their favourite things and spent time with them. I have absolutely made them a part of the household as if they always lived here.
I am here all the time. Like I'm always home, unless I'm running family errands. DH works part time self employed during the evenings, about four or five evenings a week, has two or three days a week out of the house all afternoon/day/early evening seeing his other two children (same mother as his child who lives with us)
DH also sees friends, on and off, not with regularity but on average once a month.
My stepchild recently accused their mother of sexual abuse during their early years, and there was a resulting police investigation. Stepchild had a formal interview and so did the Mother. Nothing came of it. Stepchild now says they are worried they imagined it.
But now, their siblings (10 and 11) don't want to see my stepchild, because their Mother told them their sibling tried to ruin her life. She has also driven a wedge between me and them, meaning both the younger ones have refused to see me, my children, or their siblings since February this year. They won't visit us at our house, which is why DH spends so much more time out of the house, taking them out.
I have started to feel resentful of this situation and the fact it isn't improving.
I keep finding things online that stepchild posts that put them at risk/make them vulnerable. E.G they boasts openly about their self harm. They even posted a photo of fresh cuts on YouTube once, calling them "fresh babies". They made a post a couple months ago that they regularly "huff" and have done since they were 10, and everyone thinks they are just a funny, chill person when they are actually Hugh all the time.
They ordered a dildo online and then graphically described to my child about trying it out and training their (biological) genitalia to "take it" even talking about bleeding. My child told me where it was hidden and I threw it out. Stepchild even confronted my child about where it had gone, once discovered it was missing, and my child confessed they had told me about it and it was thrown away for stepchilds own safety and explained the level of appropriateness for a 14 year old and sex toys.
Once when stepchild came home angrily and upset from a visit with their Mother because she'd mentioned weight, stepchild grabbed a bunch of antidepressants and swallowed them, then got onto a group chat and told the group chat, "Goodbye" upsetting a tonne of teenagers online, including one of my children (the same one above) who was part of the chat, who rushed to tell me (as I was cooking dinner, unaware there had even been an issue)
My child has disclosed to me that SC engages in sex role plays online.
I have seen ads that are shown on my phone, related to content viewed on our IP address, that tell me SC reads BDSM sex stories. This was going on for months until I got sick of seeing the ads as I couldn't block them, so I had to ask all the children. SC confessed it was them. And admonished me for bringing it up.
These issues have tipped it over the edge for me. I feel like my children are being exposed to all this and it isn't fair.
My stepchild goes to a 3 hour per day alternative provision, a bit like school, but only a handful of kids, and very low pressure. They regularly don't bother with work and it almost seems like when they are pushed, they have a big explosion.
They recently told a staff member they tried to hang himself whilst staying overnight with their (very much loved) Nan. They then text DH and told him, hoping to prevent school from telling us I think. School have had to report it, of course. So I expect to hear from professionals once more.
I have a huge issue with this act because I discovered my friend dead from hanging when I was 15 and it's haunted me, despite therapy multiple times.
I am at a loss.
I feel for the child very much. I also feel for my own children.
I also dread stepchild being around. They aren't great at socialising- they tends to dominated a room and make everything about themself, to the point all of my children now appear to avoid spending time around SC, because they can't have a conversation with DH or me without SC interjecting. SC also doesn't seem capable of just "hanging out" - like, SC NEEDS attention.... can't just sit in a room, be chill, watch a bit of TV with the family or scroll through phone stuff and occasionally show each other or whatever - it has to be this like, SHOW, or has to have constant interaction like play a game with an adult for hours, or have an adult listen to them talk about themself. Not an exchange. A monologue.
They are also very selfish. One of my children (15) has shown relentless friendship and support, cooks for SC, lends SC money, listens to SC vent, gives SC advice, and tells us when SC might be unsafe. When my child recently had a friend over, they told SC that they would like said friend as they had lots in common. SC joked that they'd steal adi friend from my child. My childs response was that said friend is very loyal. SC then made a bracelet for this friend, and talked about all the topics SC knew the friend liked (they are autistic so have specific tastes) and said they were their favourites too. SC then kept entering my child's room with more gifts for the friend, and then refused to leave and it made my child feel left out, as SC did the whole domineering thing. I asked SC to give them space, as friend was here for a hangout with DC, and SCs response was "I am very very lonely and feel sad all by myself, it isn't my fault if friend likes me better" and then text DC and said "told you I'd steal friend" My child is now disengaging because it all became too much. DC still chats and hangs out with SC but it is much less, and DC doesn't engage with the venting. DC even approached DH and warned him he'd probably have to deal with more issues with SC, due to the lack of willingness to support as much on my DC part going forwards.
How awful.
DH is basically useless. Very good at feeling sorry for my SC. And himself. Ironically, he thinks everything I've told him about that I've seen online is SC fabricating, just saying it all. But 100% believes everything SC tells him IRL.
I feel like this is really affecting my marriage. I'm in therapy now and I'm going to talk to her about it but I really just need to hear that I'm not a total c**t, for feeling this way.

What a horrible situation. Having read all of your first post it seems like the situation has escalated and escalated and things are worse and essentially everything is controlled either purposely or unintentionally by your SC to the detriment of everyone else. The most vulnerable need most care, love and support but your SC needs intensive psychological support. They are deeply damaged and their behaviour is extreme. . You need to speak to your DH and tell him the situation cannot continue. Go back to the SW and CAMHS and tell them the same thing. You have to prioritise your own children and yourself. Often you don't realise how awful a situation is until it stops.

“He came back with if we did that there would be no going back as he wasn't going to let DC be rejected again becsuse of his needs.” This is coercion.

“Reminded me that he stayed when my DC was challenging.” as is this.

Reminded me that he stayed when my DC was challenging. I knew he'd say that.

It doesn't sound like these situations are remotely comparable

@RegrettableDisaster you know what you need to do to protect your children and yourself from your partner and his child. They can move to his mothers house and yoj can rebuild your children and yourself.

I hope you are OK and strong enough to move on from this situation.

All of this gave me chills, but particularly the part about the step child plotting to steal your child’s friend and turning it into a competition. There are some people who literally won’t let you simply live your life or have one thing of your own. They have to dominate in every way, because they are such a vacuum of need. They force you into competitions over whatever small things you manage to save for yourself then insist on winning them. These people are so toxic that once you’ve had a few rounds with them you are severely traumatized. Out of all of the terrible stuff in your post, somehow that hit me the hardest. Your child was trying to make supportive connections outside of his/her toxic family environment, and your step child even tried to ruin and steal this alternate avenue of support. The step child won’t rest until your children are as miserable as he or she is.

You need to leave and try to repair the damage that has been done to your own children. It’s very traumatizing when you see one person behave selfishly over and over again, and receive all of the help and attention as the result of doing so, while the people who ask for less and who aren’t problems are left with nothing, or whatever secondary dregs of attention are left over. Whether you intended it to or not, this is happened to your children, and you need to repair that as quickly as you can.

Ok, I have some experience of dealing with a trans identifying teen with a deeply disordered mother. Ours is doing really well now, 7 years on and they were never as damaged as this, but it was tough.

Tell your partner he either steps up or ships out, Tell him what you need, and what you think will help, then speak to the child together.
Ask if they want to stay, if they don’t, help them move to Nanna with their Dad, or to a psychiatric placement, or into care. Their behaviour does meet the threshold.
If they want to stay , they need to accept some fairly radical changes.
First off, this child needs much closer scrutiny around social media. I would probably allow 1 hour per day, in a public place. I would be insisting on an accelerated approach to going back into ft school. I would expect them to be completing chores in exchange for their allowance. And I would level with them that the current situation isn’t working for you , and that unless major change starts now, and continues until something approaching normality is achieved, they and their father will be leaving your home. Make absolutely plain that this is the minimum expected, not a boundary to be tested. If they attempt suicide, call their Dad, or an ambulance. interrupt any attention seeking by taking the dog out or baking a cake, or playing Jenga. If they need more mental health support, insist on an in patient placement. Tell them you are always available to listen, but
You have given this child stability in a very scary world. They now have a choice, they can accept this chance to reach their potential, or they can descend into chaos. If they choose the latter, make sure they don’t take you or your kids with them.
By the way, you’ve been amazing, but remember, your kids before partner. Always.

He will say anything to make you stay. If you (or rather he leaves with SC) leave he will have to take responsibility. He doesn’t want to, he wants you to do it.
Dont be surprised if he then starts to blame you for SC behaviour. It’s a repeated senario I’ve seen on these threads.

Do they have somewhere to go, his mother’s? Could they be gone by the weekend? Id ring SS and then tell them you can’t cope and they are now in the care of their dad who is out at work etc.

Omg OP this is horrific. Enough is enough. You have lost two years of living with your precious child in order to accommodate the needs of someone else’s child. Get out of this toxic mess. It is very sad your dsc has so many mental health problems, but this does not have to be your issue. I am dealing with a 40 yo family member who has been mentally unwell since teens and let’s just say being committed to helping him at all costs has ruined his parent's life, and his siblings’ and nieces’ and nephews’ relationship with his parent’s. And guess what - he has never helped himself because his parents have accommodated every need at the expense of their own and everyone in the family. Why why why would you stay in this, especially with a useless DH. Get out. Now.

Yes this absolutely. You need to put your children first, before they become as damaged and traumatised as SC is.

Manipulative, controlling, coercive, gaslighting behaviour and pretty textbook tbh.

Dont allow him to control your narrative - you’ve told him what you want, stand by your words.

My god. OP your stepchild is dangerously unhinged and you need to remove yourself and your children from this situation, like yesterday. This is not fair on your kids, please don't put them, and you, through this absolute nightmare any longer. You must protect them.

Big hugs - you are really being put through the mill and I really feel for you. x

Mate they'd be delighted to see the back of both of them, don't kid yourself.

I'm so sorry Op, this is awful on you and your DC. You are not a c**t at all. You've done enough now you need to care for you and your DC. This is your DH child and it would have made a huge difference if everything wasn't left to you. Your DH has time to see his friends, he spends two days seeing his other DC while you can't even watch a film with your own DC. This is utterly reprehensible.

Stand tall lady, you are dealing with an incredibly difficult situation and I can tell you are in a world of pain and self doubt. I really feel for you and if ever you need to vent, PM me! I don't have the answers but happy to listen x

Whilst I want to say it's commendable for how hard you've tried, I actually think it's the opposite. Why have you put so much effort into your SC happiness but ignored your own DCs happiness? Where is the effort towards them? I don't understand this. What are you trying to achieve? It should have never got this far and you have permanently damaged the childhood of yours. How long will you persist in this? SC will never be happy, and it's not your problem, sorry to say. Your DC are.

I'm just going to be blunt because I'm tired of threads like this:

You are ruining your children's lives.

Are you going to let it continue or aren't you? You don't need a self-serving thread where you report all the details of the convos you have with your DH. Either put your kids first or don't, but it's you making that choice - nobody else.

Can I ask what happened with the person who isn't your friend anymore?

I haven't read every single response but it's very clear to me that your SC is neurodiverse, possibly your partner is as well, or/ and his ex. Based on my experience with 2 ND teens.
So treating your SC as if they in some way are as mature as you might expect, or as able to express things as you might expect is unreasonable. Having "normal" boundaries is just necessarily a concept they can understand.
You may need to rethink and adjust your perspective.

No. She needs to get the pair of them out of her house. Nothing, absolutely nothing, excuses what her children are being put through. Not ND, not the gender woo bollocks, not the self harming, nothing.

Her children deserve to live in a safe, peaceful, happy home. What the DH does with his dangerous child is his responsibility. That’s the change in perspective she needs. That her kids are more important than anyone else.

You are ruining your children's life right now. They be been exposed to self harm, suicide, and sexually inappropriate behaviour and.. You're letting it happen.

You have the opportunity to stop, and try and repair the damage, but that means leaving.

Surely he can see the strain on you and should be understanding of you trying to find a solution. Sure he probably doesn’t want you to move out, but he really ought to see why you feel you need to and be open to discussions.

Give him time to process what you’ve said, but he needs to backtrack on that ultimatum pretty damn quick.

This!!

Your children are being groomed by this SC. Their perversions being pushed onto them.

Your husband and the SC need to leave your home now.

I thought I was showing them how to be strong and supportive of other people. I thought I was showing them not to bail when things are tricky, becsuse everyone needs help.

I realise now that I was being foolish.

It sounds like your SC has potentially experienced SA. I know you said the Mother had different men around, but I would also be wary of your DH. Especially as he doesn’t sound like a nice person either.