Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Partner doesnt see kids enough is it a massive red flag

36 replies

Srepmum1984 · 02/10/2024 12:16

I am with someone who has 3 kids from a past relationship. They are 11 15 and 7.

We have been together for about a year and I have met his oldest two twice but not the little one yet.

He texts them everyday. They reply.

However there's been a few weeks where they have wanted to see friends etc so he hasn't seen them now for about two months. His youngest is severely disabled and he has not checked in on him or asked about him via his other kids for about 3 months now! I am starting to get very concerned about this as he is wanting to try for a baby. He's been uninvited to hospital appointments etc but if that were me I'd be turning up anyway. But he doesn't seem bothered.

The ex is I have seen myself insane (we will arrange a trip to take them out and she will stop it last minute and then text something like hope you didn't waste too much money with a winky smiley)

The older two I get. They want to start seeing friends etc. But he missed one of their first days at school because he forgot. It was high school though and I didn't think that was acceptable.

I have asked him this week if he's seeing the kids this weekend and he said they haven't asked to see me. Surely it should be him asking them? I asked what would happen if they don't come out again and all he said was they can find him once they're older.

He pays their mum £1000 a month for the three of them and sends the kids money when they ask. But it seems like they now only really contact him when they want something.

I knew him from before and we a fantastic dad. But now he just doesn't seem to care.

OP posts:
savethatkitty · 02/10/2024 12:18

Why would you even consider having a baby with this man?

yeesh · 02/10/2024 12:20

Having a baby with a man who doesn’t care about the children he already has would be madness. Dunno how you can respect him as a man tbh

Motnight · 02/10/2024 12:20

Do not have a baby with this prince amongst men.

lopdoo · 02/10/2024 12:26

Sounds like he has enough children already, the red flag here is why is he hassling you for more.

Original poster
Srepmum1984 · 02/10/2024 12:27

Yeah my gut feeling is he is making an attempt at replacing what he had. Then it will be I alone with children also.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 02/10/2024 12:28

Men who are only fantastic dads whilst living in the same house and in a relationship with the mother are not and have never been fantastic dads.

Everything for these men is conditional and only achieved with proximity and low effort.

He will do the same to you, is this what you want? Is this what your potential child deserves?

Original poster
Srepmum1984 · 02/10/2024 12:31

TomatoSandwiches · 02/10/2024 12:28

Men who are only fantastic dads whilst living in the same house and in a relationship with the mother are not and have never been fantastic dads.

Everything for these men is conditional and only achieved with proximity and low effort.

He will do the same to you, is this what you want? Is this what your potential child deserves?

Edited

Yes. Agreed. I cannot believe the 180 of a man who used to I have heard from other people would not contact anyone over weekends etc because he was spending time with his kids to what it is now

OP posts:
thursdaymurderclub · 02/10/2024 12:32

there appears to be some information missing from your post.. is there a arrangement in place, is he supposed to see them say EOW? you do say he texts them everyday, yet you also say he doesnt check in with them?

do you live together? if so what are the sleeping arrangements for when they do come and see their dad?

Original poster
Srepmum1984 · 02/10/2024 12:34

thursdaymurderclub · 02/10/2024 12:32

there appears to be some information missing from your post.. is there a arrangement in place, is he supposed to see them say EOW? you do say he texts them everyday, yet you also say he doesnt check in with them?

do you live together? if so what are the sleeping arrangements for when they do come and see their dad?

No no arrangement in place. He messages the older two but its literally morning love you. Night love you. He doesnt ask about them or their day. The youngest doesn't have a phone and he hasn't asked his ex about him or the other children. We moved house so they had their own room. They have never slept in them.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 02/10/2024 12:34

If a man is not working like mad to get 50/50 contact with his own children he is a lazy fucking bastard and should be kicked to the curb. They're his kids as much as hers. I suggest you don't move in with him and certainly don't have DC with him.

Comedycook · 02/10/2024 12:34

He sounds like one of those men whose ability to be an involved father depends entirely on how he feels about the mother. Do not have a baby with him...or if you do, don't moan about him being useless and shit once you break up. You're actually incredibly lucky that you've had a chance to observe his behaviour. The mother of his children didn't get that and is now stuck. Thank your lucky stars for the sneak peak and then run.

thursdaymurderclub · 02/10/2024 12:41

Srepmum1984 · 02/10/2024 12:34

No no arrangement in place. He messages the older two but its literally morning love you. Night love you. He doesnt ask about them or their day. The youngest doesn't have a phone and he hasn't asked his ex about him or the other children. We moved house so they had their own room. They have never slept in them.

Show quote history

what was the arrangement before you and him got together? you've been together about a year and ARE living together, yet in the time he's been with you he's never seen his kids?

were they seeing their dad before you moved house?

sorry for the questions just getting an idea of the situation before i comment.. how long was he single before you two got. together?

tribpot · 02/10/2024 12:48

I strongly doubt he was a highly involved father who has somehow morphed into this 'path of least resistance' mess. You saw him from the outside before - he told people he wasn't available over the weekend because he was spending time with his kids but there's no proof that's what he was actually doing. He clearly can't be arsed - not even a regular contact schedule, forgot the first day of high school, seems to think it's up to the kids to maintain a relationship with him, not the other way around.

As your instinct is rightly telling you, there is no way on earth you should be having a baby with this man.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/10/2024 12:49

He has a severely disabled child and hasn't seen him months? His poor ex, she must be exhausted.

What is attractive about a man who would treat a disabled child like that? He is a scumbag.

It says a lot about you that you accept this.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 02/10/2024 12:51

Please stop perpetuating the "crazy ex" narrative that deadbeats love. She's raising three children, including one severely disabled, on her own, while watching her deadbeat ex play Disney Dad when he can be bothered. She's allowed to be a little petty sometimes.

LostittoBostik · 02/10/2024 12:52

Yes.

AllAboutNiamh · 02/10/2024 12:53

A decent man would see his kids as often as he could. He does not sound like a good guy.

There’s no way I’d consider having a baby with some that already had 3 kids.

LostittoBostik · 02/10/2024 12:54

Srepmum1984 · 02/10/2024 12:27

Yeah my gut feeling is he is making an attempt at replacing what he had. Then it will be I alone with children also.

Listen to your gut. It isn't wrong. He doesn't want to do the hard yards. The ex probably isn't insane at all... she's been driven to saying crazy things by the utter overwhelm of the caring responsibilities she's been left with no choice but to shoulder alone

LostittoBostik · 02/10/2024 12:55

From your updates: he's not parenting at all. Texting good morning is not being an involved parent.

TheShellBeach · 02/10/2024 12:56

It's amazing how many men have crazy exes.

About 90% of them seem to.

Foxblue · 02/10/2024 13:05

Those poor, poor kids.
The fact he doesn't want to care for or do any parenting for his existing kids is disgusting. His youngest is 7 and heavily disabled ffs.
If nothing else, you should be incredibly wary of a man who clearly sees it as a woman's job to do all the parenting - how the hell can he justify abandoning them like this? Being a dad is a full time job and he's treating it like an occasional hobby.

Hermione101 · 02/10/2024 13:09

Why are these types of men always “great/fantastic dads??” No, they’re not, they’re f**cking losers.

Those poor, poor kids.

Three kids and he wants another?? Why do women settle for such trash?

Illpickthatup · 02/10/2024 13:09

I mean having a baby with a man who doesn't look after his current kids is just madness. Even if you didn't want to have any kids why would you be with someone who doesn't give a shit about his own flesh and blood. How can you expect someone like that to care about you? It's deeply unattractive!

Ohreally01 · 02/10/2024 13:13

He doesn’t need another child. He’s got plenty to keep his hands full.

Marblesbackagain · 02/10/2024 13:31

Seriously have a good hard head wobble. A parent who doesn't parent is scum in my book. Older children don't be ignored by good patents you find a link you maintain and enrich that relationship.

And to think of that poor mother with a child with SN and no active parenting from him. That isn't a good person that is a person without emotional intelligence and basic common decency. There is absolutely no excuse possible.

Read that back replace father with mother. What do you think now?

This isn't a red flag. This is ab endless line of them.