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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Outsider syndrome

40 replies

Stepmum90 · 26/09/2024 14:23

Hi! Quick background, been with partner for nearly 5 years, lived together 3 and have a 1.5 year old girl. I have a son who lives with us 6 out of 7 nts he is 9 and my fiancé has a son, 7 who stays one week night and one weekend night. I have never got on with the ex wife, we had similar friendship
circles but we’d never actually met. At the beginning of relationship about 6 months in, I attended pick up, she screamed at me and I have been pretty much barred from pick ups or drop off since. My partner is severely dyslexic so occasionally I’d help him with a text he needed to write, she would refuse to respond even for something as little as asking about his inhalers. She hates me. She’s also verbalised this to her son…who told us what she said. This has always made it hard for me to bond with the child. Most responses are my mummy does this, my mummy doesn’t do that ect since I’ve had my girl, I feel my feelings have become more negative. I feel like I’m not part of our family when his son is over. I can’t be myself, he goes back and tells his mum everything I’ve said. He ignores me, will literally say I wasn’t talking to you. I’ve got so protective over what is mine, I find myself moving my 1.5 year old away froM him so they can’t bond as well. Every little thing he does grates on me. I try my absolute best to not show it and never let him feel left out. I buy him random gifts like I do for my kids I’ve spent alone time with him, I game with him and I feed and wash all
his clothes. He loves coming over and gets upset when he needs to leave so I don’t think he picks up on it but I feel so guilty and terrible and I really want to love him, but I just don’t know how to fix it. Reconciliation with the ex would be out of the question, I’ve asked before to meet alone and was turned down. It obviously puts pressure on my relationship, and I find myself thinking I should walk away, but I just can’t bare to not be with my daughter every day. Has anyone felt this and got through it? Please be kind, I’m feeling fragile and vulnerable bearing my honest feelings.

OP posts:
celerymunch · 26/09/2024 14:27

you strangely make almost NO reference to his father. Your DP.

and Every little thing he does grates on me he will no doubt sense that op

Original poster
Stepmum90 · 26/09/2024 14:52

What would you like to no about father, sorry I’m not sure what all the abbreviations are

OP posts:
celerymunch · 26/09/2024 14:54

Stepmum90 · 26/09/2024 14:52

What would you like to no about father, sorry I’m not sure what all the abbreviations are

his role in this scenario

Original poster
Stepmum90 · 26/09/2024 15:07

he hates any kind of uncomfortable convo or situation so often just goes with whatever his ex says else she will block him and stop as much contact. He didn’t want to pull her up about discussing her dislike for me with their son, which I understand but at the same time I don’t feel overly supported. He works hard, and a lot, so often the nitty gritty of caring for the children is left to me. He agrees often how she acts is wrong and dislikes it, but doesn’t stand up for himself in most situations and just says ok for the sake of less upset. He came home from drop off last week and has said that our 7 o’clock bed time is too late and we need to bring it forward an hour! We have our own children and routine so this really isn’t possible, or seems fair on his son. Just an example to show the controlling behaviour he has to deal with. Maybe I didn’t mention my partner as much as I should as I’m aware the problem lays with me and how I feel. Apologies

OP posts:
Buyingahouse2024 · 26/09/2024 15:09

Sorry you're going through this. Your partner needs to step in. When he says things to you such as 'I wasn't talking to you' your partner needs to pull him up for being rude. In relation to going back to his mum and telling her things you need to let this go over your head. I know it's frustrating but there's nothing you can do about it. If it's mum asking him questions as he gets older he will realise what's going on. How do you know things are going back to mum out of curiosity?

Original poster
Stepmum90 · 26/09/2024 15:12

Thank you for your kind message , she will say to my partner on their next contact their son has said this and that. My partner will then let me know what she’s said. As I’m typing it out I can see it sounds childish :( you are right though, that is something I need to let go over my head. Kids will be kids I guess

OP posts:
thing47 · 26/09/2024 15:32

Your DH needs to man up here, however much he dislikes confrontations. His son should not be allowed to be rude to you, and it should be explained to him in age-appropriate language that some things might be done differently at his two different homes, and that that is perfectly all right.

As for the ex, he should politely point out to her that she doesn't get a say in how he parents his own son. The answer to a request/demand for bed times to be changed can be met with a polite but simple 'we find the current arrangements work well for our household'.

EG94 · 26/09/2024 17:28

The problem isn’t you, the problem is your partner. He needs to get a grip of his kid and his rudeness. When he says to you mummy does this mummy does that just say ok well different house, different rules, repeat repeat repeat.

as for the ex being controlling, again partner problem. He needs to stand up to her, take her to court then she can’t control him.

very weak man, I know the pain but it was so unattractive for me that I left

MeridianB · 26/09/2024 17:40

Yes, this is a DH problem. Some thoughts:

He needs to pick his son up every single time he says something rude to you (or anyone).

He needs to stop telling you what his ex says - you don't need to know.

He needs to smile at his ex's demands over how you both parent and then keep doing what is best for DSS under your roof. It has nothing to do with her providing her son is safe and cared for.

Does he have any 1:1 time with his son? If so, is it enough? If not, this is crucial. Can they do something together that is just for them - hobby or cafe visit or swimming? Equally, I'd recommend that he takes the baby so you can have 1:1 time with your 9yo at least once a week.

Are you OK with doing all the cleaning and cooking or is it just expected?

Try to tune out the 'my mum says' stuff. It's standard for a lot of 7yos and will also be a product of his loyalty to her.

And totally tune out the ex. Big grey rock her completely. Say nothing bad and think of her as little as possible. Retrain your brain to focus on your home and your family (inc DSS).

Buyingahouse2024 · 26/09/2024 17:41

@Stepmum90 just to note the two other posters are spot on. Have a chat with your partner about the above! He may be blind to it, sometimes it takes an outsider to say what your son is saying to me I find rude for him to then listen out for it and think oh yes stepmum90 is right. Best of luck!

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 26/09/2024 17:48

Your partner should be feeding and washing his sons clothes. He is the parent of this child, he should be doing 100% of the parenting on the weekend he has him. Doing pickups and drop-off and not relaying tales from the ex. He doesn't like conflict but is happy to let his ex and son disrespect you in your own home?! Do you let you daughter talk to him like that?

Stop 1 to 1 time with his son, why are you parenting his child when he is meant to be? You definitely have a DP problem. Does he bother looking after your shared child on his own at all?

Toiletrollwaspreciousincovidtimes · 26/09/2024 17:52

Step back. Let his df do 100 %of everything when he is there... Make plans for you /you with your dc and do your own thing.. When he realises he is actually doing it alone he will see it takes both of you being happy to run your home effectively.. Not pandering to his exes demands...

Original poster
Stepmum90 · 26/09/2024 18:03

Thank you so much for all the advice. I can’t tell you how much it’s helped and I will
be re reading these every time I need it. Thanks again.

also yes to the question about 1-1 time, we all try to get 1-1 time with each child but maybe not enough. It has been a struggle with this since baby has been here.

ummm I am ok with the cooking and cleaning as I only work 3 days a week, as long as I’m feeling appreciated it’s ok. The lack of support regarding this situation though doesn’t make me feel it recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepmum90 · 26/09/2024 18:07

Although I fully understand where you’re coming with the 1-1 time with his son, it was me trying to bond with him, and to make him feel included as I do it with my two. You are right though, he should be doing the care whilst his son is here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepmum90 · 26/09/2024 18:08

Oh and ummm very occasionally he will have our shared child alone, he runs a business so is often occupied with that. I’ve had one night away in 16 months

OP posts:
llamali · 26/09/2024 18:10

7 year old are VERY annoying. My dscs both went through this stage at about 7-8 I just held on and now we get on really well starting from about year 6 into secondary school. I think that's the age they started to see themselves as independent from their mother and that as lovely as their mum was other people can do things differently and that's ok

llamali · 26/09/2024 18:11

Stepmum90 · 26/09/2024 15:12

Thank you for your kind message , she will say to my partner on their next contact their son has said this and that. My partner will then let me know what she’s said. As I’m typing it out I can see it sounds childish :( you are right though, that is something I need to let go over my head. Kids will be kids I guess

Oh blimey. No you don't need that. Your partner needs to leave you out of that shit

SonicTheHodgeheg · 26/09/2024 18:12

MeridianB · 26/09/2024 17:40

Yes, this is a DH problem. Some thoughts:

He needs to pick his son up every single time he says something rude to you (or anyone).

He needs to stop telling you what his ex says - you don't need to know.

He needs to smile at his ex's demands over how you both parent and then keep doing what is best for DSS under your roof. It has nothing to do with her providing her son is safe and cared for.

Does he have any 1:1 time with his son? If so, is it enough? If not, this is crucial. Can they do something together that is just for them - hobby or cafe visit or swimming? Equally, I'd recommend that he takes the baby so you can have 1:1 time with your 9yo at least once a week.

Are you OK with doing all the cleaning and cooking or is it just expected?

Try to tune out the 'my mum says' stuff. It's standard for a lot of 7yos and will also be a product of his loyalty to her.

And totally tune out the ex. Big grey rock her completely. Say nothing bad and think of her as little as possible. Retrain your brain to focus on your home and your family (inc DSS).

^^ All of this

Your h is the problem and could reduce a lot of your stress but doesn’t because he prioritises his own feelings (not being the target of his ex) over the stress that he and his ex are causing you. Why would he tell you stuff like what your stepmum told his mum ?

Your h will be pissing off his ex by agreeing to do stuff like earlier bedtimes then not following through. If he agrees stuff like that then he needs to get home earlier and put his son go bed earlier. I bet that he’s either blaming you or allowing his ex to think that you are the reason that bedtime so 7:30 rather than 6:30 etc If she wrote this post I would tell her that her ex was probably telling you and her what you wanted to hear and not facing the consequences of lying to you both.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/09/2024 18:14

And, as usual on these threads, the entire problem is the father, and yet you honed in on the mother.
The point of your stepson coming to you is to have contact with his father.
He should be telling him off for being rude.
It's interesting as well that a situation which is caused by him being weak, is 'she is controlling'.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/09/2024 18:14

Also, why is your partner repeating to you unkind things shes apparently said? What a horrible thing to do.

FlyingontheGround · 26/09/2024 18:14

Your H needs to step up as others suggest if he doesn’t want to lose you. Mine didn’t, the result was festering resentment and the breakdown of our marriage.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 26/09/2024 18:15

Stepmum90 · 26/09/2024 18:08

Oh and ummm very occasionally he will have our shared child alone, he runs a business so is often occupied with that. I’ve had one night away in 16 months

Your partner needs to prioritise the time he spends with his son while he's there and give you some child free time. You dont need 1:1 with his child but he can look after both at the same time. He has two children, doesn't sound like he's a good father to either atm and he definitely sounds like he's not a good partner to you.
How would he parent his two children on his own if you left him?

WeeOrcadian · 26/09/2024 18:19

Your 'D'H needs to grow a fucking backbone.

And take the ex to court if she is preventing visitation, end of. Your SS isn't a pawn.

Original poster
Stepmum90 · 26/09/2024 18:25

Honestly this is another thing that sometimes keeps me from walking away, although he loves his children very much, I don’t know that I’d trust him to do more than a day on his own with our little one. Just the little things you know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepmum90 · 26/09/2024 18:27

Resentment is definitely something I feel often recently. How was it for you when you left? Did it open his eyes?

OP posts: