Outsider syndrome

[Stepmum90]

Hi! Quick background, been with partner for nearly 5 years, lived together 3 and have a 1.5 year old girl. I have a son who lives with us 6 out of 7 nts he is 9 and my fiancé has a son, 7 who stays one week night and one weekend night. I have never got on with the ex wife, we had similar friendship
circles but we’d never actually met. At the beginning of relationship about 6 months in, I attended pick up, she screamed at me and I have been pretty much barred from pick ups or drop off since. My partner is severely dyslexic so occasionally I’d help him with a text he needed to write, she would refuse to respond even for something as little as asking about his inhalers. She hates me. She’s also verbalised this to her son…who told us what she said. This has always made it hard for me to bond with the child. Most responses are my mummy does this, my mummy doesn’t do that ect since I’ve had my girl, I feel my feelings have become more negative. I feel like I’m not part of our family when his son is over. I can’t be myself, he goes back and tells his mum everything I’ve said. He ignores me, will literally say I wasn’t talking to you. I’ve got so protective over what is mine, I find myself moving my 1.5 year old away froM him so they can’t bond as well. Every little thing he does grates on me. I try my absolute best to not show it and never let him feel left out. I buy him random gifts like I do for my kids I’ve spent alone time with him, I game with him and I feed and wash all
his clothes. He loves coming over and gets upset when he needs to leave so I don’t think he picks up on it but I feel so guilty and terrible and I really want to love him, but I just don’t know how to fix it. Reconciliation with the ex would be out of the question, I’ve asked before to meet alone and was turned down. It obviously puts pressure on my relationship, and I find myself thinking I should walk away, but I just can’t bare to not be with my daughter every day. Has anyone felt this and got through it? Please be kind, I’m feeling fragile and vulnerable bearing my honest feelings.

I didn’t see it like this if I’m honest I thought he was just being open with me.

I don’t know, I think he still thinks I was wrong to feel that way. Maybe I was, I just know by the end it was making everyone unhappy. I think he expected far too much from me and from my step child, he kept leaving them with me thinking it was something I should take on and something I should want to do but it wasn’t.

I can see he is being weak, and agree. But I can also see how controlling she is, I’ve only given one example but there are a lot more. I hate when the mum becomes villainised also, but I can assure you in this situation she is very controlling. It’s why he left. She stopped thier son having contact with grandparents because there was a family photo with his ex on the wall.

You’re very strong for walking away <3

But she can't control him any more op, she's not with him.
'Ds needs to go to bed at 6'
'That doesn't work for us, 7 is bedtime'

I agree. Unless there’s a really good reason to do with him needing more sleep or something about his routine then just do what works for him at your house. If DSS tells his mum about the later bedtime and she withdraws contact then your DH should keep notes on everything for a possible court case.

I don’t know the mum but I can see how somebody would become increasingly controlling when parenting with someone who is pretty crap and passive.

Tell him that you don’t want to know what ex says or what ss tells him mum. He can deal with her and you can focus on your home life. If he wants details like bedtime to change then he can cha ge his job or working hours to make it happen. It’s not your responsibility to make ex happy. Your responsibility is to the ss and it sounds like he is happy with you and any unhappiness is a result of his parents being dicks and using you as a shield.

@Stepmum90 hun you wouldn't trust him more than a day with your little one, maybe you do need to consider that mum became the way she is because he has always been a crap father and she had to micromanage everything. It's possible she was always like that too and it actually enabled him to be a crappy father because she never let him be responsible for anything.

Either way, he needs to step up now and parent his son. Not leave it to you. You have your own children. Have a serious conversation with him that he needs to be there all weekend, if he's not there when his son is then he needs to change contact to EOW and make sure he is. The child needs his dad to be his dad. Including making him be respectful to you.

You are getting the crap end of the stick in all directions, wishing you so much strength 💪 💐

Hadn’t seen it from that point of view! Thank you thank you!

It sounds like your DP is sitting around doing f all whilst all this drama goes on around him. Why are you focussing on a wee boy and his mum whilst ignoring the effort- dodging person who is the connection between all these people?

You move your child away so your stepson can't bond with her? Perhaps you aren't made for stepmotherhood. Consider walking away before you ruin that poor 7 year old boys childhood with your unfounded resentment of his existence.

I’d prefer to try and work out our problems than walk away. That’s the easy option. There’s more than one child to think about here.

Agree with everything @MeridianB said. In return for all you do, your husband needs to shield you from any petty bitchiness from her. It's not fair and will only feed your resentment.

Totally agree with ' no sorry 7pm works here for us'.

Also the ' grey rock' communication method works well.

Have a good chat with your husband about all the things you'd like to see him help with here. You can be supportive and offer suggestions such as the grey rock communication style, being firm and how he can do that without triggering her.

She sounds very difficult. I say this as a ' bio mum'

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Thank you for the reply I really appreciate it. I’ve just researched this grey rock communication, all I’ve got from is it, is too not react, is that correct? I’ve never heard of it before

How is looking after a 16 month old compatible with spending quality time with a seven year old?