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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

What would your advice be to future step parents?

43 replies

Drummend01 · 26/09/2024 11:25

My partner and I have been together nearly 2 years, he has a 10 year old daughter with 50% custody. We all enjoy spending time together, she often asks to see me or for me to ‘have a sleepover’ and she’s all round a lovely child. Since the summer we transitioned from mostly sticking to weekends to do things as a 3 to now me visiting them during the week, after school etc, just blending our lives more. We would like to start the process of moving in together in the spring, although it won’t be hurried. We have sort of mentioned this in passing to her, as well as mentioning the idea of giving her siblings in the future, trying to keep it light hearted and exciting. She seems on board with it all, suggesting baby names in the car yesterday 😅

I feel like things are going well, nothing is forced and his daughter seems to be adjusting, but I know that there will be challenges along the way. Those of you who have become step parents in similar situations, what advice would you give to me?

OP posts:
Boskit · 26/09/2024 11:27

My partner and I have been together nearly 2 years

My advice would be to keep using reliable contraception for at least another five years the time being.

Stepusername · 26/09/2024 11:50

As much as possible, leave communication with your partner's ex to your partner. Make sure your partner and daughter have some time together just them, even after any future siblings are born. Have explicit conversations with your partner around what your step-mum role should look like, including behaviour expectations and discipline. Be prepared to adjust this based on what works/doesn't work for your family, in particular your partner's daughter.
Sounds like you have a lovely relationship right now - enjoy the good times together!

Secondwifenotsecondbest · 26/09/2024 11:58

OP you don't give yours or your OHs ages....let me just say that time is always the best choice in these circumstances. The 10 yr old will be a pre-teen and then a teen before you know it and this changes everything🙄
You're all loved up and that's great and she likes you which is also great but having you as a permanent fixture in her life and probably new siblings too - that's A LOT for her to cope with - why on earth have you mentioned possible future siblings to her already???

Please just take a deep breath and carry on enjoying what you have now - perhaps a two week holiday all together first (even better you move in for those two weeks with no holiday to distract from reality) - so you can see the good and trying times kids bring into your life and she can see what it's like to be around you when she's/you're tired, when your OH has to properly juggle his attention between you both etc - you're all experiencing a honeymoon period, full of fun times but there's a loooong road ahead and I honestly think you're wearing rose tinted specs honey.
how does Mum (hers) feel about you/you and OH/ you and her daughter?

Ozanj · 26/09/2024 12:02

You already made a massive mistake mentioning future children. No matter how she reacts to you on the surface (kids are always more agreeable with nrp as they’re less secure) this would have unsettled her.

Illpickthatup · 26/09/2024 12:23

It sounds like you have approached things sensibly and that you already have a good relationship with your DSD. MN can be a bit over the top when it comes to introducing a step-parent and believe the world must revolve around first family children and parents cannot move on with their lives until the kids are at uni. Absolutely there are cases where the adults rush into things without a second thought for the kids involved, but it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing. It's been 2 years not 2 months.

I'd continue doing what you're doing and gradually build up the amount of time you spend together. Add on sleepover overs now and again.

My advice would be to get a proper feel for how your OH parents, especially if you want to have kids together. A very common problem is parenting styles clashing. Older child has no discipline etc which makes it harder to discipline younger children. You may think he's a good dad but you only have limited exposure and how he parents on a fun day out isn't a true reflection. Is there a set routine, does he discipline appropriately when needed, is she independent with responsibilities around the house or does dad do everything for her?

Establish what will be expected of you and what role you'll have. A trap many fall into is moving in with a man and all the childcare and housework is dumped onto the woman. If she dares speak up she's accused of hating his kids.

Make a plan for how you will protect your time as a couple. It's important when living together that you don't just get lost in the daily grind and you actually prioritise your relationship and make proper time for each other.

What is his relationship with his ex like? Is there a set schedule? Is he willing to consider you and your plans before agreeing to schedule changes with the ex?

Finally discuss finances. Will you be keeping them separate or pooling financs?

You'll get a hard time on here for even considering moving in with your OH but honestly, if only more people considered things properly like you are then the step-parenting board would be a lot quieter.

Illpickthatup · 26/09/2024 12:24

Ozanj · 26/09/2024 12:02

You already made a massive mistake mentioning future children. No matter how she reacts to you on the surface (kids are always more agreeable with nrp as they’re less secure) this would have unsettled her.

OP OH isn't NRP though, they have 50:50.

SunQueen24 · 26/09/2024 12:27

Sorry you’ve had such patronising responses OP. You have been together two years, not two months. I think you are qualified to best know what you want from the future relationship and really don’t think it’s unreasonable you have discussed having children. I presume you have had a holiday and spent time together already given you have mentioned having slept over etc.

My advice would be just keep hold of your own identity, hobbies and interests. I slotted into a family role and gave too much of myself away to early - it wasnt necessary. I didn’t need to spend all weekend with SC and DH. I think if you take on a mothering role men find it very easy to allow you and before you know it you’re carrying the mental and practical load of having a child living with you. My advice would be don’t- take a step back and let DH continue with the care and practicalities of having a child part of the time.

Obviously be kind and sensitive to the upheaval to SD but don’t allow her to set the agenda - you and your OH are still the adults in the situation. Don’t start asking permission re having kids and tbh I don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss your plans with her re this. You wouldn’t ask a bio child’s permission to have a sibling.

Original poster
Drummend01 · 26/09/2024 12:28

Illpickthatup · 26/09/2024 12:24

OP OH isn't NRP though, they have 50:50.

Show quote history

I don’t know what NRP means but yes they have 50:50 custody but they allow flexibility for DC to choose too. It’s very civil and DP hasn’t been with ex for 6 years, I’ve seen the ex at drop offs but only for a polite hello.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drummend01 · 26/09/2024 12:31

Ozanj · 26/09/2024 12:02

You already made a massive mistake mentioning future children. No matter how she reacts to you on the surface (kids are always more agreeable with nrp as they’re less secure) this would have unsettled her.

I’m sorry if that’s been your experience but I really don’t think she’s just being agreeable. Her best friend is from a blended family and she openly talked to me about her friend getting a little sister and how cool that would be so she can teach the new child to dance. She brought that up by herself. And when I say we’ve mentioned it, its come up naturally in conversation because her auntie and DPs best friend are both expecting, so naturally conversations about babies come up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drummend01 · 26/09/2024 12:35

SunQueen24 · 26/09/2024 12:27

Sorry you’ve had such patronising responses OP. You have been together two years, not two months. I think you are qualified to best know what you want from the future relationship and really don’t think it’s unreasonable you have discussed having children. I presume you have had a holiday and spent time together already given you have mentioned having slept over etc.

My advice would be just keep hold of your own identity, hobbies and interests. I slotted into a family role and gave too much of myself away to early - it wasnt necessary. I didn’t need to spend all weekend with SC and DH. I think if you take on a mothering role men find it very easy to allow you and before you know it you’re carrying the mental and practical load of having a child living with you. My advice would be don’t- take a step back and let DH continue with the care and practicalities of having a child part of the time.

Obviously be kind and sensitive to the upheaval to SD but don’t allow her to set the agenda - you and your OH are still the adults in the situation. Don’t start asking permission re having kids and tbh I don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss your plans with her re this. You wouldn’t ask a bio child’s permission to have a sibling.

Yes we went camping over the summer so got some great time together then and are planning a weekend away over the new year.

and good advice about keeping my hobbies, we do have a great balance and have talked about the importance of us keeping to those hobbies even when we do live together. And the important of DP and DC doing things together without me so they get that 1:1 time. I don’t see him as the type of guy to leave it all to the women, he’s very hands on but obviously if I felt that was happening I would discuss that with him

OP posts:
sunflowersngunpowdr · 26/09/2024 12:39

Be prepared for your attitude towards the whole situation to change once you have your own children. Your own attitude and everyone else's.

Original poster
Drummend01 · 26/09/2024 12:42

Illpickthatup · 26/09/2024 12:23

It sounds like you have approached things sensibly and that you already have a good relationship with your DSD. MN can be a bit over the top when it comes to introducing a step-parent and believe the world must revolve around first family children and parents cannot move on with their lives until the kids are at uni. Absolutely there are cases where the adults rush into things without a second thought for the kids involved, but it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing. It's been 2 years not 2 months.

I'd continue doing what you're doing and gradually build up the amount of time you spend together. Add on sleepover overs now and again.

My advice would be to get a proper feel for how your OH parents, especially if you want to have kids together. A very common problem is parenting styles clashing. Older child has no discipline etc which makes it harder to discipline younger children. You may think he's a good dad but you only have limited exposure and how he parents on a fun day out isn't a true reflection. Is there a set routine, does he discipline appropriately when needed, is she independent with responsibilities around the house or does dad do everything for her?

Establish what will be expected of you and what role you'll have. A trap many fall into is moving in with a man and all the childcare and housework is dumped onto the woman. If she dares speak up she's accused of hating his kids.

Make a plan for how you will protect your time as a couple. It's important when living together that you don't just get lost in the daily grind and you actually prioritise your relationship and make proper time for each other.

What is his relationship with his ex like? Is there a set schedule? Is he willing to consider you and your plans before agreeing to schedule changes with the ex?

Finally discuss finances. Will you be keeping them separate or pooling financs?

You'll get a hard time on here for even considering moving in with your OH but honestly, if only more people considered things properly like you are then the step-parenting board would be a lot quieter.

Yeah I didn’t realise is would be quite so opinionated, it would be probably nearly 3 years of being together by the time we actually move in and I feel like that’s a reasonable amount of time. But each to their own I guess.

Yes I’m seeing the parenting style more and more now, especially visiting in the week and seeing the general homework, dinner, bedtime routine rather than just fun weekend activities. All positive so far but definitely something ill keep an eye out for.

His relationship with his ex is civil, they communicate when needed and are both quite flexible. We’ve had no problems so far and ex actually asked DP to thank me for the birthday gift I get for DC because she hasn’t stopped using it.

and yes finances are a big one, we have talked a bit about this already such as the savings we have, but a bigger conversation would be needed before the moving in process starts.

thanks for the advice, I really want to do my best for myself, DP and DC. I know it won’t always be this easy but nothing ever is, good to hear from those who have done it before

OP posts:
Original poster
Drummend01 · 26/09/2024 12:42

sunflowersngunpowdr · 26/09/2024 12:39

Be prepared for your attitude towards the whole situation to change once you have your own children. Your own attitude and everyone else's.

What do you mean by that?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 26/09/2024 12:44

Don't do it.

Honestly.

I think if you asked 100 step parents if they would do it again, 95 of them would say never ever.

Have a read of these step parenting boards. There are so so many step mums who went in to it full of hope; and then the child becomes a teenager or they have their own and the whole thing becomes miserable for everyone.

You won't like my answer of course, but it seems to be the reality.

Original poster
Drummend01 · 26/09/2024 12:44

Boskit · 26/09/2024 11:27

My partner and I have been together nearly 2 years

My advice would be to keep using reliable contraception for at least another five years the time being.

Thanks but I wasn’t asking for family planning advice, I was asking about how to navigate step parenting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drummend01 · 26/09/2024 12:46

arethereanyleftatall · 26/09/2024 12:44

Don't do it.

Honestly.

I think if you asked 100 step parents if they would do it again, 95 of them would say never ever.

Have a read of these step parenting boards. There are so so many step mums who went in to it full of hope; and then the child becomes a teenager or they have their own and the whole thing becomes miserable for everyone.

You won't like my answer of course, but it seems to be the reality.

Gosh sounds very doom and gloom which is a shame. I think that’s a reflection of these boards being a place to vent and share issues, I think there’s lots of people out there enjoying being a step parents but they’re not inclined to use these forums and therefore are under represented here. I’m hoping the outcome for me will be more positive

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2024 12:50

I would never encourage a woman who doesn't have her own children, and wants them, to get involved with a man who already has children. It rarely ever works well.

harriethoyle · 26/09/2024 13:01

Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2024 12:50

I would never encourage a woman who doesn't have her own children, and wants them, to get involved with a man who already has children. It rarely ever works well.

I agree with this. My being childfree by choice has made my step parenting journey SO much easier and it’s been fucking brutal at times 🤣 I would never ever do this again for anyone but my DH so make sure your DP is the absolute love of your life, ride or die, soulmate. It’s been the only thing that’s got me through many a bump on the road…

Illpickthatup · 26/09/2024 13:11

Drummend01 · 26/09/2024 12:42

Yeah I didn’t realise is would be quite so opinionated, it would be probably nearly 3 years of being together by the time we actually move in and I feel like that’s a reasonable amount of time. But each to their own I guess.

Yes I’m seeing the parenting style more and more now, especially visiting in the week and seeing the general homework, dinner, bedtime routine rather than just fun weekend activities. All positive so far but definitely something ill keep an eye out for.

His relationship with his ex is civil, they communicate when needed and are both quite flexible. We’ve had no problems so far and ex actually asked DP to thank me for the birthday gift I get for DC because she hasn’t stopped using it.

and yes finances are a big one, we have talked a bit about this already such as the savings we have, but a bigger conversation would be needed before the moving in process starts.

thanks for the advice, I really want to do my best for myself, DP and DC. I know it won’t always be this easy but nothing ever is, good to hear from those who have done it before

Show quote history

You're onto a winner if the ex is civil.

I'd say we have a happy and successful step-family set up and this is despite the ex being difficult and communication being minimal. I can only imagine things would be even better and a lot easier if things were civil.

You seem to have everything in hand. I wish you all the best. Blended families can work despite some opinions on MN. I think opinions are skewed as happy step-parents generally don't post on here, it's always when there's issues so can give a tainted impression that all blended families are doomed to fail.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/09/2024 13:19

It doesn't sound too bad tbh and it sounds like you're aware of the potential red flags and have kept an eye out for them. I think love together for at least a year before trying for your own baby as I had a one year honeymoon period, moved in got pregnant and engaged(planned, his idea) and then he turned horrible towards me and I'm now cooarenting with a bullying narcissist. It sounds like you've taken things at a slow enough pace though and it sounds like they have a healthy set up and she is aware you exists and is civil. You'll probably be ok.

The one thing to look out for is trying to do 'firsts' with the step daughter. Anything like her first manicure, her first bra, hosting her first girlie sleepover etc her mother will probably want to do with her so you should be careful about that and get your partner to check with her if she feels ok with you doing that.

MiddleAgedDread · 26/09/2024 14:07

Drummend01 · 26/09/2024 12:31

I’m sorry if that’s been your experience but I really don’t think she’s just being agreeable. Her best friend is from a blended family and she openly talked to me about her friend getting a little sister and how cool that would be so she can teach the new child to dance. She brought that up by herself. And when I say we’ve mentioned it, its come up naturally in conversation because her auntie and DPs best friend are both expecting, so naturally conversations about babies come up.

Show quote history

It's cool now because she's 10 and she knows other people who are having babies. By the time you move in together and have a baby she's probably going to be 12-13 which is quite different to being 10 and teenagers and toddlers have very different needs! It'll mean big changes to the family dynamic for her.

HedgehogB · 26/09/2024 14:14

Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2024 12:50

I would never encourage a woman who doesn't have her own children, and wants them, to get involved with a man who already has children. It rarely ever works well.

Well that’s ridiculous. My two SC (we had them 2 nights a week) were delighted when their little half brother was on the way 18 years ago. I split from their dad when DS was 3 but t they chose to continue to see me, and him. They are early 30s now, everyone is civil. I am Godmother to DSD’s son. Also DH then took on my son alongside his two teenagers. Everyone gets on. It just takes patience and communication. Yes there were situations at times, we talked them through!

harriethoyle · 26/09/2024 14:22

It’s not ridiculous @HedgehogB it’s just not your experience - both experiences and viewpoints can be valid 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Drummend01 · 26/09/2024 14:35

MiddleAgedDread · 26/09/2024 14:07

It's cool now because she's 10 and she knows other people who are having babies. By the time you move in together and have a baby she's probably going to be 12-13 which is quite different to being 10 and teenagers and toddlers have very different needs! It'll mean big changes to the family dynamic for her.

Show quote history

I completely understand the age gap will bring challenges. In an ideal world I would have met my partner 5 years ago and had children together when his daughter is much younger but that’s not how it happened.

I choose to see the positive side, I know that the age gap will also bring lots of benefits like she will remember the baby through their whole life, will be a great role model and can be more involved (if she wants to). Not everyone’s life is the cookie cutter standard but that doesn’t mean it can’t work.

OP posts:
SunQueen24 · 26/09/2024 15:10

MiddleAgedDread · 26/09/2024 14:07

It's cool now because she's 10 and she knows other people who are having babies. By the time you move in together and have a baby she's probably going to be 12-13 which is quite different to being 10 and teenagers and toddlers have very different needs! It'll mean big changes to the family dynamic for her.

Show quote history

She’ll just have to cope like other children do.

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