What would your advice be to future step parents?

[Drummend01]

My partner and I have been together nearly 2 years, he has a 10 year old daughter with 50% custody. We all enjoy spending time together, she often asks to see me or for me to ‘have a sleepover’ and she’s all round a lovely child. Since the summer we transitioned from mostly sticking to weekends to do things as a 3 to now me visiting them during the week, after school etc, just blending our lives more. We would like to start the process of moving in together in the spring, although it won’t be hurried. We have sort of mentioned this in passing to her, as well as mentioning the idea of giving her siblings in the future, trying to keep it light hearted and exciting. She seems on board with it all, suggesting baby names in the car yesterday 😅

I feel like things are going well, nothing is forced and his daughter seems to be adjusting, but I know that there will be challenges along the way. Those of you who have become step parents in similar situations, what advice would you give to me?

Best of luck OP - I hope it all goes smoothly for you. I would echo that these boards are full of the negatives. People who are doing well don’t seek out anonymous support and it wouldn’t make for an interesting discussion.

Ive been a step parent for ten years now. It’s been very trying at times (my SS has SEN and challenging behaviour). But I adore my DH and the life (and family) we have built together. I would rather not be a step parent, I’ll admit, but it’s a price I’ve paid for an amazing man and nobody is without baggage.

My advise would be step back and assess before jumping in - like I’ve said above and you seem to have your head screwed on.

If only people waited 3 years until getting together in the first place I dare say there’d be a damn sight less step families.

Agree with this. I don't know any 'blended' family that hasn't experienced resentment, hurt, jealousy, heartbreak.... and I know a lot of these families. It very, very rarely works and it's usually the children who suffer in these situations first and foremost, and then the 'step mothers'... it's never the single men who brought children into the relationship.

And just be mindful that she's only 10, she could be fine with things now, but once teenage years hit, or you move in and you're not a novelty anymore, or there is another child introduced into the family this can all change very rapidly.

It seems like you've got a good handle of this particular situation, and I wish you happiness if you continue with it, but I would advise any woman who wants to have children, not to partner with someone who already has kids. It's not worth it. And I say that as a single parent myself.

Best of luck OP x

When people say it “rarely” works. Given 50% of marriages break down anyway there’s not a great success rate for bio families either. Just something to consider when condemning blended families to failure.

I wouldn’t do it. Especially if you want kids yourself. That’s in an ideal world of course, which i understand doesn’t always exist.

But I really wouldn’t mention future children to your partners daughter, I don’t think that’s appropriate.

We have sort of mentioned this in passing to her, as well as mentioning the idea of giving her siblings in the future, trying to keep it light hearted and exciting. She seems on board with it all, suggesting baby names in the car yesterday No. Don't do this. Stop all baby conversations.

If/ when you get to a 12 week scan then tell them they are having a sibling. Tell them you understand if they aren't sure how they feel about it and then hope they accept their sibling.

Of course she will. But it's just a heads up to the op that they may not take it well. They might do mind.

The one thing to look out for is trying to do 'firsts' with the step daughter. Anything like her first manicure, her first bra, hosting her first girlie sleepover etc her mother will probably want to do with her so you should be careful about that and get your partner to check with her if she feels ok with you doing that.

OP shouldn't be taking her stepchild bra shopping at all if mum and dad are in the picture but there's no way she should have to check with mum about manicures and sleepovers if dad is on board.

@Stepusername - I ❤your username! (which i know isn't the point of the thread!)

Listen to my podcast for a reality check 😉

It's brilliant that his and ex's relationship is civil! and that she's acknowledging you positively. Also great that you've seen how he lives with his DD. Would you be happy with the routine and lifestyle they've created for you and any future children?

Try and make sure his DD NEVER sees you as a threat, make sure they have LOADS of time 1-1. Often men want to do the whole 'happy family' thing too soon (sometimes cause they CBA to parent their own kids!) Don't be railroaded into it! You can be Dad's girlfriend and build your relationship with her at the same time.

Enjoy your relationship but do give it careful consideration... and when the going gets tough (which it inevitably will for some periods) remember it's ok to step back and let her Dad deal with situations. She has two parents and they need to be doing the heavy lifting!

💜

I agree with the advice about contraception, which is very much advice about step parenting. Step parenting well is recognising that your life decisions have a massive impact on someone else’s child and accepting that even though you have to make sacrifices to fit in with their needs, they don’t have to do the same in return and not do you have any say in decisions that affect them.

Being a step parent is tough, and often thankless.

From my experience of making my husband and children part of a step family and being a step child myself, I would say you have to expect things to change when you move in. It is very easy for a child to feel loving towards an adult they like a lot when they don’t live in the same home. Like most of us who love our friends and family, we know the relationship would change if we were made to live with them.

My advice would be to not do it. If you’re young enough I’d try and find someone without an ex-wife and without children.

Just wanted to wish you luck. You will see a lot of negativity here but as already been said people will often frequent these forums when things aren’t going so well rather than those that are finding step parenting easy.

I’ve been a step mum over 20 years and it’s not been easy. Honestly if I realised back then what I know now I may not have made the same choices. My advice would be to ensure SC and your DP get enough 1:1 time together, make sure you have agreed boundaries with things like parenting styles as it can be tricky if you have completely different views on things.

Establish early on what DP expects of you as a step parent. Being a step parent is not the same as being a parent and you may well feel differently about your own biological children if they come along in the future.
Don’t try too hard and don’t put too much pressure on yourself for things to be perfect. Step parenting (and parenting) can be a thankless task so make sure you take time out for yourself and do the things you enjoy doing. Hope all goes well for you

I've been a step mum over 20 years and I think you sound lovely. Naive but lovely. We all were at the beginning.

Firstly, don't talk about babies before you've even moved in. That's a big, big mistake. You haven't lived with your partner yet, you honestly don't know what real day-to-day life is like month in month out.

Her reaction to babies is probably influenced by her friends experiences but the reality of sharing your dad at 12/13 may make her view the situation very differently. Kids can change quickly when they're unhappy.

More importantly I'd say you really don't know how your partner will react to the situation if his daughter isn't happy. Many Step parents find parental guilt of dad's very hard to deal with and can cause the breakdown of a relationship once resentment kicks in. Have a look at the Disney dad concept. He may be a great dad now but he's not having to juggle two different children with different needs. In a tug of war situation many dad's side with the older child as they are able to express their resentment and withhold contact if they're not happy.

You honestly don't know how you'll feel if you become a mum. Hormones, fatigue, money and sleeplessness can test even the strongest relationships. You may end up resenting her even though right now you think that will never happen.

Just take it slowly is my advice.

Too early to tell her about potential siblings-but that ship's sailed. Be vague about it from now on.

Use effective contraception.

Go slow about giving up your own home.

Think seriously about the possibility of her as a teenager moving in full time when you have young children.

Take everything slowly. You've mostly done this so far but let a child get used to one change at a time (meet, wait, meet the kids, wait, spend more time with them, wait, get married, wait, move in, wait, and only then start thinking about more kids).

Make sure your partner is the absolute love of your life and you can't imagine being with anyone else. That has kept me going through the hard times. Otherwise, find someone else without kids.

Don't be naive about the great relationship with the ex.Make sure there are court mandated access arrangements and if they've been married a financial clean break order, a decree nisi etc. My DH's great relationship with his ex rapidly deteriorated after we got married. It has been a nightmare and we have been through a lengthy and expensive court case to maintain decent access to his kids.

Be prepared for the sacrifice. Financially you have extra dependents, your house needs to squeeze more people in, you won't get quiet family newborn time with just your partner, your free time will rarely be spent between just the two of you. You need to make a lot of significant sacrifices to make it work and to make your SD feel included. Be prepared for this.

Your SD may bring a completely different set of values into your home -- her mum may well have different attitudes to social media, language, manners, cleanliness, school, bed times etc. Building your own household values as a couple and then a family is only ever partially possible and very hard work. Will you be able to cope with this?

Discuss your responsibilities and rights. If you are going to be expected to do school pick up, is your partner also comfortable with you telling her off? If you are going to be buying clothes and making tea, is your partner comfortable with you also having input into expectations around behavior?

I don't regret being a step parent -- I love my partner, our home and our family. My relationship with my step kids is good and my husband's relationship with them has continued to be wonderful. But it has been so much more painful and complicated and stressful than I anticipated. It has been the only real source of tension between me and my husband and there have been brief but real moments where I considered walking away.

Don't do it would be my genuine advice to future step parents but I'm sure that isn't what I'm meant to say.

Can't stand teen SC www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/5177561-cant-stand-teen-sc?msgid=-5177561#-5177561

Here's one for you op. They're daily.

My one piece of advice would be to watch how he parents
For example
Mealtimes - at the table ? On lap, in room ?
Fussy eater pandered to or not
Manners installed?
Homework done at the table or not

And do you both agree.? If so, then go for it - you sound sensible & kind.

The things above may seem small but if you're trying to parent your own small kids and older step child is allowed to do things differently- it will drive you insane