Step parenting issue

[Catsrule1]

Hi

I Need either advice or clarification, in a 5 year relationship, only just got engaged, partner has 2x boys ages 12 and 10, ex wife in the picture but both parents do not see eye to eye only Co parenting for there boys. I've met ex wife once, at an event with boys, I've asked partner if I can attend sports day however ex wife will be there and I was told it will only cause upset.. should I be annoyed or should I except it.

That's why for many, pre-existing kids is a dealbreaker. You're the 5th wheel in their family.

Hello OP!

I think some people are giving you a bit of a hard time here! I am imagining you want to go to the sports day to give your stepkids support. This is lovely... however...in this situation I would respect that your partner has said it will cause problems with your stepkids' Mum and I would stay away. As others have said, a sports day isn't such a big deal and you can be supportive by asking them about it and showing genuine interest before and after.

Having empathy for their Mum's feelings about this may serve you well for your future in this relationship!

Some posters are being such bitches. The OP wants to go to watch the DSC at their sports day, what's the problem. The same posters would be quick enough to hang, draw and quarter any step mum who couldn't be arsed with her DSC. You cannot win.

Anyway OP, sports days are so boring. I'd be quite grateful if my DC's step mum went to them as they would have another adult there to watch them so I'd be off the hook!

The problem is that the parents, the school and likely the children do not want her there?

Because she's annoyed about being told no because their mother doesn't want her there. So yes if you can't cope with being told your presence at sports day is going to cause upset to the children because their mother is the priority, not the step mother, and you're struggling to adjust after 5 years then you probably aren't really suited to it.

I think it’s lovely you want to be involved in school events. We were very much kept at arms’ length. Does SC want you to attend school events? Will the school accommodate additional guests or is it restricted to just parents? If things are difficult with the ex then I probably would just sit it out as I wouldn’t want to cause any additional stress.
As hard as it is as a step parent you learn to accept that although you have a place in their lives it’s not the same as their own biological parents - I realise some family set ups are different due to lots of reasons particularly where 1 parent may have sole custody so SP in that situation may have a different relationship with SC but in many situations sometimes you have to take a back seat. Hope you find a way that works for everyone

That's fair enough on the face of it, but some exes are very quick to accuse stepmums of not doing enough with/for their DC and not being sufficiently interested in them. So I do wonder if OP is in a 'damned if she does, damned if she doesn't' kind of scenario.

You already said you find it hard because you can't be part of their lives fully and annoyed because you've been told you're not to go to sports day (enough to post on here). You are not their mother and they have a mother who doesn't want you involved but you take pot shots at the idea you might not be suited to being a step mother.

Do you live with this current boyfriend? Your boyfriend doesn't want to upset his ex wife, I think you'll just have to accept playing second fiddle to their family.

If your significant other doesn't want you there then that I guess is the end of it.

Fortunately in our blended family both ex and his wife, and me and my DH were all able to get along and put the kids first. If plays only allowed 2 tickets then it would be just parents. Sports Day and other matches etc which were outside all of us would go. When it came to graduation son requested extra 2 tickets and got them. However, if he had only had 2 allocated then the step parents would have waited outside and just joined us all for the meal.

There is no reason not to all join in and celebrate the kids and their events if that is what (a) the kids want and (b) the parents do. In this case your partner or his ex don't want you to and if it is the ex then he doesn't want to upset the apple cart and you probably have to accept that for now.

What about the mum struggling to adjust? OP wasn’t told her presence would upset the children just that the ex would be there and it might cause upset. No mention of the children being upset more implying the mum wouldn’t like it. I don’t know what your reading that suggests OP is ‘struggling to adjust’

I think parents only tbh

Also sports day is awful....why would you want to go?

Your initial post doesn't mention what the children want. I expect they want the least amount of agro and their parents present.

@Coconutter24 Her own posts state it.

And their dad said no.

You can't always go by what children want. If your stepdaughter cried her eyes out every time she got to your house and said she wanted to go back to her mums your husband would mostly likely not accept this as she's too young to decide such things. Children don't under scar the wider implications of their decisions, that's why there are supposed to have capable parents around to make these decisions for them. If the presence of a parent's new spouse is going to aggravate the other parent or cause any type of tension between parents then they shouldn't be there and parents should have enough backbone to put their children first instead of cowering in fear of their new partners (or their old ones).

I think it depends on the situation. If the ex is likely to cause a scene then of course it should be avoided but if she's just going to be a bit miffed then that's a her problem. There's countless posts on here where dad does whatever to keep the ex happy while not considering the impact on his partner. It causes resentment and feels like the ex's feelings are more important. What happens when there's bigger events like a wedding or grandchild's christenings, is the step-parent just always left out? I mean a step parent not attending a sports day isn't a big deal, it only becomes an issue when they're excluded from everything because the ex might get upset.

In my situation there are tensions regardless of whether I'm there or not. In fact, she less like to approach if I'm there. If it's just my DH on his own she'll follow him around like a bad smell making snide remarks. As a step-parent I absolutely accept I won't be able to attend everything, especially when there's usually limited numbers. I've made Easter bonnets for parades I can't attend, practiced songs for shows I can't attend. So if there's space for me to go, absolutely I'll be there for my DSD because I know she wants me there.

OPs kids are 10 and 12 so a bit older than my DSD. If there's difficulties between their parents then I'm sure they're probably already aware of that. I think they're old enough to have a say in whether OP attends or not.

Absolutely agree with this. Have never been to a school event for stepkids in our 12 year relationship.

No one has trolled you, they've just given honest answers. If you don't like them, that's on you.

You literally asked and got replies. Thats not trolling.