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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step parenting issue

47 replies

Catsrule1 · 26/09/2024 10:37

Hi

I Need either advice or clarification, in a 5 year relationship, only just got engaged, partner has 2x boys ages 12 and 10, ex wife in the picture but both parents do not see eye to eye only Co parenting for there boys. I've met ex wife once, at an event with boys, I've asked partner if I can attend sports day however ex wife will be there and I was told it will only cause upset.. should I be annoyed or should I except it.

OP posts:
Whatado · 26/09/2024 10:44

For dh & I we always kept school parents only for our respective kids. The only difference being their secondary school graduations as they were very large and so many people.

Neither of our kids particularly wanted parents & SP in school. It use to stress them out. Werent ever really sure who to approach or how to act and school is a smaller setting.

Sports events/extra circulars we would attend if available. Generally they were in bigger spaces more going on and easier for us all to all have distance.

Support comes in all forms, why would either of us going be a positive if it just created an additional level of stress for the kids? Who would we have been going for? To prove a point to our ex s we exist? We know we do, so did the kids we all lived together

We would wish them the best look at pictures when they came home and then just move on to what ever else we had going on in the home.

Sorry should have clarified in the beginning we did do a few school events, and didn't think they particularly went well so keep it parents only.

Original poster
Catsrule1 · 26/09/2024 10:55

Whatado · 26/09/2024 10:44

For dh & I we always kept school parents only for our respective kids. The only difference being their secondary school graduations as they were very large and so many people.

Neither of our kids particularly wanted parents & SP in school. It use to stress them out. Werent ever really sure who to approach or how to act and school is a smaller setting.

Sports events/extra circulars we would attend if available. Generally they were in bigger spaces more going on and easier for us all to all have distance.

Support comes in all forms, why would either of us going be a positive if it just created an additional level of stress for the kids? Who would we have been going for? To prove a point to our ex s we exist? We know we do, so did the kids we all lived together

We would wish them the best look at pictures when they came home and then just move on to what ever else we had going on in the home.

Sorry should have clarified in the beginning we did do a few school events, and didn't think they particularly went well so keep it parents only.

Edited

Thank you for clarifying..

OP posts:
ImNotYourMonstera · 26/09/2024 10:58

If every parent at the school event brought their current boy/girlfriend the event would be overrun with adults, only the parents should attend. Why would anyone want to go to a sports day anyway? 😄

Notasunnydayhere · 26/09/2024 11:00

I'd say parents only, and you need to accept it (as a step parent myself).

Anxioustealady · 26/09/2024 11:11

Why would you want to go?

Doltontweedle · 26/09/2024 11:14

Sports days are for parents, or possibly grandparents. Not for mums/dads girlfriends and boyfriends, especially when they’re not even wanted there and will possibly ruin the event with the inevitable upset. It’s completely unnecessary

TomatoSandwiches · 26/09/2024 11:15

I'm not sure why you'd be annoyed, parents only for now imo.
You can ask the boys about sports day and look at pictures with them when they are at their fathers house next time.

Illpickthatup · 26/09/2024 11:21

It depends what the children want. If the kids want you there then the ex wife will just need to suck it up. It's not about her. If the kids aren't bothered then it's probably not worth the hassle.

Also like others have said, it depends if there's space. Often events are restricted to 2 people per child. I've attended events for my DSD but she wants me to attend. She was upset when I couldn't go to her nursery nativity because it was 2 tickets per child. There's been a few occasions where I was the only parent there as my DH was working and her mum didn't attend so if I hadn't gone she would have had no-one at her sports day or parents showcase etc.

We don't get on with her mum so we just keep our distance. She did threaten me on the way out of last year's Xmas concert but she wouldn't dare cause a scene in front of DSD. She likes to pretend in front of others that we co-parent nicely and all get along.

Singleandproud · 26/09/2024 11:24

Most schools limit the amount of adults to events as two per child.

Why are you worrying about sports day almost a year in advance?

Does the 12 year old even have a sports day you can attend? Our secondary sports days are closed to parents although there is an athletics interschool comp open to the public but not all children take part.

If the children go to Sports clubs there are plenty of opportunities to go and support them at training and matches.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 26/09/2024 11:26

Ex Wife is their mother. You have to accept you are not. You don't go to events she is attending because she and the children won't want you there. The children will have enough stress if their parents don't get on.

Ozanj · 26/09/2024 11:27

Depends if dsc ask you to go. If they don’t then assume they don’t want you there. I used to always wait for dsd to let me know if she wanted me to go to events (I’d never ask or assume I’d be wanted).

If she really wanted me there and tickets were restricted to 2 I’d go instead of dh but that only really happened at her graduation. Most schools do accomodate step-parents at outdoor events like sports days etc.

But just bear in mind I’ve been married to dsd’s dad since she was a baby. We’re close. I’ve a great relationship with her mum. So I am very much a stepmum / close friend . If you’re new to the scene I wouldn’t expect teenage / pre-teen dsd to see you as a parent in the same way.

SemperIdem · 26/09/2024 11:30

Why do you want to go?

Sports days and the like are not exactly hugely interesting. I find my own child’s sports days dull enough, without adding my step children’s to the mix!

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 26/09/2024 11:51

Can’t think of anything worse than attending sports day so definitely wouldn’t be upset at being excluded from that one!

For other family events eg birthdays you should be guided by the DCs wishes but also mindful that by upsetting their mum you will be indirectly ruining their day too, so if she prefers you not to be there you should listen and maybe have two separate events where possible.

Divorced parenting is hard enough when everyone is trying their best to be respectful, but it sounds like even without you in the mix, the two parents don’t coparent that happily. Don’t add more fuel to the fire unnecessarily. And honestly how ‘necessary’ is it for you to be at their sports day?

Original poster
Catsrule1 · 26/09/2024 13:49

That's why I said clarity.. it's hard being a significant when you exist but can't be part of there life's fully.

OP posts:
BigDahliaFan · 26/09/2024 13:56

I get on well with DHs ex and they co parent well. But I very rarely went to any school events primary or secondary. DH and his ex went, well mostly his ex as he was usually working late and Dh's parents.

I didn't feel that meant I wasn't part of their lives though...we did other stuff and frankly I work full time and am quite busy with my own things.

I did go to all their university graduations - and DH and I did drop offs and first drop offs at University too. I'd been a part of their lives for 10 to 14 years by then.

Whatado · 26/09/2024 14:23

Catsrule1 · 26/09/2024 13:49

That's why I said clarity.. it's hard being a significant when you exist but can't be part of there life's fully.

What does that even mean?

Everyone in life has relationships with people that involve different things. That doesn't mean every single thing.

Even parents in nuclear family units don't go to every event be it school, extra circulars, birthday parties etc. That doesn't mean they arent fully in their life.

Like I said supporting a child in childhood doesn't always mean physically. Emotionally, interest in their life their interests, respecting of their boundaries, giving them space. All forms of support and not all them need a physical presence.

LightDrizzle · 26/09/2024 14:38

We did parents only. The least potentially stressful for all involved.

LightDrizzle · 26/09/2024 14:40

My husband did go to DD1s graduation at her request so that was me, her dad and my husband. Civil but slightly awkward 😂

Original poster
Catsrule1 · 26/09/2024 15:38

Maybe I am skeptical or just finding it difficult to adjust.. thanks for advise

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 26/09/2024 16:59

Catsrule1 · 26/09/2024 15:38

Maybe I am skeptical or just finding it difficult to adjust.. thanks for advise

You probably aren't suited to being a step parent. There's no shame in that, plenty of people struggle when they realise how difficult it really is especially if the other parent isn't accepting or has conflict with their ex. Wanting to be fully involved with kids you care about is lovely, but this isn't a great situation you have. Consider if you want your own children, these children aren't going to be fully in their lives either. 💐

Timeforaglassofwine · 26/09/2024 17:02

School stuff should be parents only. She is the one facing the gossips who are rubber necking when school mums want to see who her ex is with.

Original poster
Catsrule1 · 26/09/2024 18:55

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 26/09/2024 16:59

You probably aren't suited to being a step parent. There's no shame in that, plenty of people struggle when they realise how difficult it really is especially if the other parent isn't accepting or has conflict with their ex. Wanting to be fully involved with kids you care about is lovely, but this isn't a great situation you have. Consider if you want your own children, these children aren't going to be fully in their lives either. 💐

Show quote history

You probably aren't suited to being a step parent. There's no shame in that, plenty of people struggle when they realise how difficult it really is especially if the other parent isn't accepting or has conflict with their ex. Wanting to be fully involved with kids you care about is lovely, but this isn't a great situation you have. Consider if you want your own children, these children aren't going to be fully in their lives either. 💐

Hi, not sure who messaged this, quite taken back on this, I am a mother myself and have been with my partner for 5 years.. please don't assume I am not suited,as anyone is capable of being a step parent..

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 26/09/2024 19:05

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 26/09/2024 16:59

You probably aren't suited to being a step parent. There's no shame in that, plenty of people struggle when they realise how difficult it really is especially if the other parent isn't accepting or has conflict with their ex. Wanting to be fully involved with kids you care about is lovely, but this isn't a great situation you have. Consider if you want your own children, these children aren't going to be fully in their lives either. 💐

Show quote history

Not suited to being a step parent because OP wants to go to sports day and be involved in things with the kids?

Wishitsnows · 26/09/2024 19:07

School things should be just for parents. Why would you want to go? Is it to make a point or are you insecure?

Coconutter24 · 26/09/2024 19:10

Have the children been asked if they’d like you there? If they do then I don’t see why you can’t go? I understand for assemblies that are indoors usually in a hall space is limited but a sports day that usually takes place on a big field can surely accommodate step parents. I think it’s lovely you’d like to go and support them. If the children would want you there then I think everyone should either get along or just keep their distance for the sake of an hour or two