Christmas/Bday presents

[Hye000]

I have one DSD 18, I buy for all the kids step & bio every year, always have done. My DSD has presents and money every year depending on what she’s asked for etc. The issue I have is, Xmas & bday are on the horizon and I have noticed for a while now that I have NEVER seen her wear anything that we have bought her (I have also noticed the same with what her grandparents on dads side). This isn’t necessarily a case of us buying things she doesn’t like so she understandably wouldn’t want to wear them. We’ve bought things she has specifically asked for: coats, tracksuits, trainers, crocs, watches, bracelets, necklaces.., you name it! We see her regularly and she wears sliders almost every single day, she came last week in the peeing down rain and was wearing sliders. Not seen her in a pair of trainers in more than a year! She’s not grown so it’s not as though they don’t fit her, same with clothes, she’s always wearing odd socks, same old track pants and brothers t shirts etc.

haven’t brought it up to her as it would be awkward but my question is: AIBU to just give her money/vouchers and not waste my time and effort wrapping gifts that don’t appear to get used?? I have 4 kids in total so it’s not a stress free quick job as I do all this (which I am happy to do by myself, my OH wouldn’t have a clue what to buy anyway!)

Yeah I would just give money.

Does she buy gifts for you and her dad?

DSD (nearly 18) does this - puts stuff on a list and then doesn't wear it. Then, in mid July, you can get "Where's the X I got for Christmas, I want to wear it to Y in five minutes????" and no one has any idea where it's been since Christmas morning.

So don't take it personally, I think it's just what they do (DH absolutely takes it personally).

I'd go with vouchers and something small (not on the list) to unwrap. DSD can get genuinely excited about the small impulse buy from TK Maxx, the £5 socks or the quirky mug. If she doesn't get excited by the socks or mug, we don't feel too emotionally invested because it wasn't from the list so we always knew it was a (small) risk.

Vouchers always seem to bring her joy disproportionate to their face value. She wouldn't get half the enjoyment out of £50 that she gets out of a £50 Urban Outfitters voucher - she saves her vouchers for "big items" and doesn't fritter them away on bits and pieces.

She does sporadically, I wonder where she gets them from though as they are extremely random gifts, as though she has found them lying around her house 🫣

I wouldn’t take it personally if it wasn’t for the fact that she comes round looking homeless and not taken care of despite us knowing she has been given coats and shoes etc but comes with no coat when it’s freezing or raining etc. plus we have been a lot of money on the jewellery and things, sad to see it’s not being appreciated when the thought has gone into so much. I always try and buy her lots of little bits as the other kids have plenty to open and I never want her to think she isn’t treated equally but it grieves me to spend so much money and it’s disappears off the face of the earth the moment it leaves our home!

DSD lives with us so we know the gifts are still about - somewhere in mess that is her room!

She's also prone to wearing old shoes with holes when we've bought two of three pairs of new weatherproof footwear (although she's improving on this) and recycling the same four or five outfits when she has a room full of clothes.

Oddly, in the summer she turns into a little peacock and wears every item in her summer wardrobe, but in the winter she just recycles her old favourites. Unfortunately her birthday and Christmas fall in the winter months, so I suspect things she's just seen on social media get added to her gift list with insufficient consideration as to whether she actually likes them.

It's obviously easier for us knowing the good clothes/ shoes are upstairs in her room and being here if and when she does decide to wear them. We have had moments of "I just found THE most perfect sweater in the back of my wardrobe" and it's a birthday present from two and a half years ago....

But go with vouchers, DSD loves her vouchers and doesn't view them as a thoughtless gift the way we might. If you know where she shops with her friends you can do multiple vouchers eg a small amount for Lovisa and Sephora plus a larger one for Zara or Urban Outfitters so she has multiple gifts to open - even though they're all just vouchers in envelopes which don't require wrapping.

Just a thought but could she be selling them? Because it’s odd she asks for specific things but never wears them.

Is 18 a chance to start giving smaller, token gifts?

She's an adult now. Match her energy. If you get random crap from her I wouldn't waste too much time getting thoughtful gifts for her.

My DSS17 will be getting 2 bags of crisps for his Xmas this year since that's what he got his dad for father's day which was an improvement on the SFA he got him for his birthday. He works full time and spends hundreds on his GF but his dad is lucky to get a card.

This is the reason I’m questioning spending so much money on gifts as I cannot fathom what on earth she could be doing with all of it?! I’ve spent hundreds on Jordans, Nike trainers, boots, even 2 pairs of customised trainers and she comes in scruffy old sliders! I’ve thought for a while now that she could possibly be selling the stuff, it’s always the latest perfumes, make up sets, all things that would sell in a flash.

it’s hard to know how much to give her because we will always have the guilt that the other 3 kids are getting more than she is but I’m reluctant to give her cash in hand not knowing what on earth she will spend it on (likely takeaways and taxis!)

Good idea! She once gave me a bag of celebrations one year and funnily enough that had been one of her smaller token gifts she had received for her bday which was a few days before Xmas coincidentally!

Funny that eh?

My DSS buys his dad 2 packets of crisps then proceeds to eat all the crisps we have in the cupboard. 🙄

And yet we spend so much time and effort trying to make them feel equal to other siblings and can’t even get a card and £5 gift in return… I try not to get offended anymore but it’s just insulting. This is part of why I don’t want to give her cash as I know it would be spent on crap and she still wouldn’t have the decency to buy her dad a present!

You buy her lots of clothing despite years of her never wearing any of them

She doesn’t wear what you buy her

You feel “aggrieved” and pissed off because you think she looks “homeless” when she visits

Meanwhile her father doesn’t ever seem to have a chat with her about why she doesn’t seem bothered in looking after herself

poor girl

She, or an adult in her household, are selling them.

So gifting money won't change the outcome, but at least you haven't spent hours searching for things she'll like and she's got her cash directly.

I'd probably do vouchers so she had to actually buy stuff. Then even if she does resell that on, she has to go through all the palava.

To be honest, we very rarely see her when she’s ’going somewhere’. When she comes to see us on the weekend she’s only coming to our house and to grandparents etc so I wouldn’t expect her to be dressed up but it just surprises me that she doesn’t wear anything at all that we have bought for her… find it strange

I’ve always thought this to be honest, her mom hates when she takes things home that we have given or bought for her. She has made comments about things that were purchased years ago about them being ‘cheap’ but she was about 10 and it’s not worth buying 10year olds anything expensive as they outgrow it and ruin it, so I didn’t take too much offensive but i knew she was intentionally being rude. I previously made a skincare goodies basket and put battery powered lights around it to fancy it up, her mom threw the lights away and told her they were a fire hazard!!! I made her a sweets/snack basket when she was in her last year at secondary school so she would have snacks for studying… her mom complained that her teeth would rot 🙄 the list goes on… so yeah, I’m not overly surprised if this is the case. I have bought vouchers previously and probably will do again I reckon, I don’t want to give her cash but could probably part with vouchers as like you say, would be an effort to sell!

All sounds a pretty unhappy blending of families tbh

well it doesn’t just “surprise” you

it “pisses” you off and you feel “aggrieved” about it

Just leave her alone to wear comfy clothes to her dad’s

Oh well look who it is… 😂 why are you on here if you are single and happy to not have some man around your teen kids??

giving advice to people when you have no experience… interesting 🧐

bore off

perfectly happy thanks, definitely happier than your household!!!

I read your update and it's just sad how this happens. You sound like a lovely person who has tried and tried and is running out of steam but who still doesn't want to give up. I'm reminded again how fortunate we are to have DSD living with us and her mother mostly at arm's length these days (although that's very sad for DSD but so much easier for her Dad and me).

Another suggestion that might not be suitable - depending on where you live. Tickets. DSD really likes coming to comedy shows with us, we discovered this when I guilt tripped her into coming to one for her Dad's birthday.a while back.

We spotted she often preferred the support acts (Gen Z) to the main comedians (our age). Since then DH has found some younger comedians on TikTok that we've gone to which she really enjoyed (we all did).

Any chance you could get tickets for her and her Dad (plus you, if that didn't cause issues with the other kids wanting to come too) to go out for dinner and a comedy show?

The "up and coming" comedians with smaller gigs tend not to be that expensive, there's nothing in the gift for her to sell, but there's a reminder she's part of your family and it's okay to make happy memories with you?

Also, you could just outsource the ticket purchasing to her Dad, all men are capable of finding and buying tickets, and if you didn't end up going you wouldn't have to spend the money on dinner and drinks.

I suspect she's keeping her better things for going out, it's actually a demonstration she's really comfortable being at yours if she's willing to be relaxed.

Thank you for such a lovely and understanding message. If I could turn back time I would definitely have attempted to have her live with us FT as her mom has always had other priorities sadly! She came with us to a concert a while ago and we had a good time, I offered her tickets to other shows and we also offer her to come where ever we go e.g: holidays, bday day outs etc but she never seems interested to go, she doesn’t go out much really, but maybe if she has the tickets/vouchers already paid for I guess it might entice her to get out more! x

you are absolutely right re my having no experience of blending families and step children

Thank god!!

I will let you crack on

I’d like to believe this but she very very rarely goes out, she’s not your average 18yo, she doesn’t want to go on holidays, doesn’t want to go on days out, if she goes out with her friend it’s to go round her house. Her sibling on her mom’s side is also the same, it’s a shame, 18 is the beginning of adult life and she doesn’t seem to be getting out there and enjoying it. Life is short ay!

Bye!!! 👋