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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SS has moved back home with GF

26 replies

Beebs1 · 20/09/2024 07:48

My partners 23yr old son has moved back into our home with his GF as they have been living away and they could not sustain their lifestyle.
They have amassed a large amount of debt that needs to be cleared as a result of their lifestyle. We offered them a place to try and get on their feet plus his Mother wouldn’t have them stay.
SS is waiting on checks to do parcel delivery but doesn’t want to work full time as he does ‘extra’ work and it will interfere with that.
My partner is giving them three weeks grace until he says anything but so far DS is up around 10 onwards and GF midday. They then spend the day on laptops as he says ‘ looking at opportunities’
Fortunately I am working all day so not at home but they have been going out every night.
They go out from 5-10.30 pm and don’t come back until after 1-3.30am is the latest this week.
SS is at his mother home until then. Each time they come back the GF waves at the Ring 🤷‍♀️
The late nights out is starting to really irritate me, especially now the youngest in the house is being woken by them even though they seem to be quiet coming in.
I feel that this being really disrespectful, they are quite happy living and eating here but off until all hours every night.
What are anyone’s thought? Is it me that is in the wrong to be irritated ?
There is also another young adult about to head to uni tomorrow so it’s not like I am used to older children having their own freedom etc.

OP posts:
SloggingOn24 · 20/09/2024 08:24

You are not being unreasonable at all! They sound a pair of lazy, entitled spongers. No wonder the mother doesn't want him back. You'll need to discuss with your DH and he will have to talk to his son. Alternatively sit down all four of you and ask about their plans and explain you don't mind supporting them out of a pickle, but you need to see them actively working and contributing.

shellyleppard · 20/09/2024 08:27

Either he starts paying some keep money and keeping more sociable hours or they can move out!!!! Waking people up in the early hours is not on in my eyes

socks1107 · 20/09/2024 08:34

He sounds a spoilt brat. You need to lay down some house rules pretty quickly and make it clear they are out if they can't follow them

Loadsapandas · 20/09/2024 10:22

Are you saying that you’d be happier if they stayed home more in the evening?

Original poster
Beebs1 · 20/09/2024 14:19

I would be happier if they go out and come back at a reasonable hour and not all hours of the night which they think is okay.

OP posts:
Newhorizons8 · 25/09/2024 11:15

Lots of different issues here. Firstly, ask them to start paying rent. This will help kick start them into finding full time jobs. If you don't financially need the rent money from them, it would be a nice idea to save some up for them and let them use it at a later date to pay off their debt or use as a deposit etc. In terms of what time they come in, just ask them to come in quietly as it's waking up others in the house. I think at that age you need to allow them freedom, as its very normal at that age to go to a bar etc and not come in until early hours but obviously you don't want it impacting others. Once they have full time jobs and have to pay rent the amount they go out will likely naturally decline anyway.

Harry12345 · 25/09/2024 11:18

where do they go? How do they have money to go out?

mitogoshigg · 25/09/2024 11:20

Firstly rent, if they aren't earning they need to sign on

Dontbeme · 25/09/2024 11:30

Was it a case of his DM not wanting DS at her home, or the DM not wanting DS and the GF? I think it could be time to send the GF on her way to her own family, and put some rules in place for SS, yes I know he's an adult at 23 but he's part of the household and shouldn't be making life difficult for everyone else either. If he doesn't like it he can go elsewhere.

thursdaymurderclub · 25/09/2024 11:35

You must have had a conversation with DH and SS prior to them moving in? or did they just turn up one day and that was that? Your house your rules!

Perhaps you and DH need a conversation first about what you both expect from the arrangement including rules and rent, and then I guess all 4 of you need to sit down and have a conversation about expectations..

dancinfeet · 25/09/2024 11:40

If they aren’t paying their way, GF needs to go and live with her own family. Living together as a couple is a privilege for those that can afford to, not a right for those who are sponging off parents. Feeding one extra mouth is one thing for your own adult child, feeding two is another. They either need to pay rent and bills to you as a couple, or else she needs to move out, which will hopefully be the incentive they need to get a job and their own place.

WoolySnail · 25/09/2024 11:42

Newhorizons8 · 25/09/2024 11:15

Lots of different issues here. Firstly, ask them to start paying rent. This will help kick start them into finding full time jobs. If you don't financially need the rent money from them, it would be a nice idea to save some up for them and let them use it at a later date to pay off their debt or use as a deposit etc. In terms of what time they come in, just ask them to come in quietly as it's waking up others in the house. I think at that age you need to allow them freedom, as its very normal at that age to go to a bar etc and not come in until early hours but obviously you don't want it impacting others. Once they have full time jobs and have to pay rent the amount they go out will likely naturally decline anyway.

If they have no jobs and are in debt from living beyond their means then they shouldn't be out every night til the earlier hours and then disturbing the people who've taken them in to help, no matter how old they are!

crumblingschools · 25/09/2024 11:46

Apart from not having to pay rent, bills etc their lifestyle doesn’t seem to have changed! They need to cut down on their socialising, contribute to the house in some way, rent, chores, work and reduce their debt. Serious conversation with them is required

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 25/09/2024 11:51

Why is this even an issue? SS absolutely he's your husband's son and DH should be helping him. With a reasonable time frame and expectations of working etc. The GF - no. She's no one's blood relative. Kick her out. They got themselves into the mess at 23 years old they can sort it out, they aren't children.

YippyKiYay · 25/09/2024 12:03

It's your home not a frat house. You need to lay down some ground rules around hours and chores. They can't completely disrupt your routine, they need to try and fit in to your lifestyle (with some wriggle room for negotiation)

Terfarina · 25/09/2024 12:03

what does this mean?

SS is at his mother home until then. Each time they come back the GF waves at the Ring 🤷‍♀️

Seagullproofoldbag · 25/09/2024 12:12

Tell GF she needs to find somewhere else to live. If she has family, send her back to them. In my experience, if GF can't stay, they both find somewhere else to live very quickly.

MeridianB · 25/09/2024 12:15

This is extraordinary, OP. I think your DH is being way too lenient.

They have both lived outside their means and have big debt at 23 but are not working, not paying rent/keep and are out every night? Where are they getting their money from?

I'd send GF back to her family immediately then start charging DSS rent to give him a reason to get a job. He's 23, not 17.

He needs to start keeping working hours - up and ready for the day no later than 8am, cleaning up after himself and devoting every hour to finding work.

What is the 'extra' work' that DSS claims to do? Is it illegal?

You're right to consider your younger child.

Please don't fund and enable his dysfunctional lifestyle choices.

Original poster
Beebs1 · 30/01/2025 19:23

They spend their evenings until the early
hours at his mothers as they go to bed very late and when they return home she deliberately waves at the ring doorbell to trigger it so we see it.

OP posts:
DancingFerret · 30/01/2025 19:31

In your OP last September, you said your partner was giving them three weeks grace, but it appears they're still living with you. What happened (or, more accurately, didn't happen)?

Original poster
Beebs1 · 30/01/2025 19:56

Five months down the line they are still here.
I have found the whole thing very stressful but agreed to it for my
partner as it’s his son.
Step son has done a few Extra filming roles but maybe 5 jobs. He has worked part time as a deliveroo driver whilst his GF has done nothing as she is Spanish so can’t work. They have paid off about 4K of 15k debt.
We have taken money off them with the intention of giving it back when they leave.
They have spent everyday together going to the mothers until the early hours then coming back when we are asleep, the odd deliveroo although that has stopped of late. They don’t have a social life as they don’t have friends here.
SS now has a commission only
job and is yet to see any wage,They currently spend the afternoon in the local Wetherspoons ‘working’ on their laptops. They buy one coffee and refill it all afternoon.
The GF still waves at the ring doorbell when she comes in, to antagonise I think.
There have been lots of arguments about their lifestyle and how they are going to live.
Step son has ADHD and other social skill issues so it’s difficult to explain that they need Full time jobs etc as they think we are the crazy ones.
Today I am deflated yet again as Step son has told his father that they are staying out as I am too judgmental. I am a realist and say things as they are which they don’t like.
These are things that I would say to my own children if this was going on with them( Fortunately I don’t have to worry about them)
For example - You come in after 1am, get up after midday and do a bit of work, this won’t pay your debt off. This has been said during heated conversations with them,’myself and partner, only they see me as the enemy.
My partner and I don’t argue but we have done more in our relationship with them here.
He feels frustrated with him and has had countless conversations about their lifestyle but nothing has changed. He is also now torn between his son and me I think.
They are due to leave at the end of Feb, today I’ve asked my partner to ask them to leave when they get back from a holiday with his mum next week as I’ve had enough.
They don’t have to live here, we did it to help them out and I don’t think I should have to put up with this behaviour of staying away to deliberately avoid me.
I have no doubt that they will need help again (
sojce the age of 17 he has had 70k from mum
to bail him out. We have given nothing as he won’t learn we feel. I have said they won’t be living here again, they have dragged me down and I am a positive person.
Rant over but wanted to update you.

OP posts:
Dror · 30/01/2025 20:01

Whose house is it? Is your boyfriend really worth all this nonsense?

Original poster
Beebs1 · 30/01/2025 20:11

It’s our home and we have been together for 8 years. I understand that he wants to help his son as I would want to help mine in the same situation. This week though I feel that I have been made to be the bad person in the house, feel unsupported by my partner as he probably feels torn between me and his son.
whatever is decided now about asking them to leave, I will no doubt get the blame for it. I just want my happy quiet life back, no drama and to enjoy where I was with my partner again.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 30/01/2025 21:34

It’s a little strange the mum lets them stay there to the early hours but not sleep there. We had our son and his girlfriend live with us for a while, it’s not easy. And he’s hardworking and sensible. The gf was another story though.
You don’t have long to go now, bite your tongue and agree never again.

Original poster
Beebs1 · 30/01/2025 21:58

He has had a difficult relationship with her and her partner in the past, he doesn’t like her giving her opinions and she doesn’t have the patience for him on a full time basis. However is happy
for him to be over there and stay up with them as they go to bed in the early hours themselves. As you’ve said there is not long to go now, my
partner has said this evening that he’s going to suggest his GF heads back to her mothers earlier than they have suggested.

OP posts:
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