Page 2 | Christmas arrangements

Lemonmelon1 · 2024-09-12T13:02:34+00:00

Aibu? The last two years we have had my children on Xmas day. The following morning they have gone to their dads and we've collected sc for the next 24 hours. So we've kind of had 2 Xmas days. My children's dad doesn't really do Xmas. He will get the kids a few little bits but he's not majorly fussed on when he sees them. I've found it hard the last few years not having my kids on Boxing Day as it feels like they open things Xmas day and then are gone and don't get to enjoy them. This year I was thinking of keeping mine for Boxing Day as well as Xmas day and maybe they go to their dad the day after Boxing Day. I know their dad will be fine with this. The AIBU is that it would mean sc would share Boxing Day with my children and not have the focus of all on them. Do you think it's fair? Thanks

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banality101 · 12/09/2024 21:05

BESTAUNTB · 12/09/2024 17:23

Depends what your DH thinks.

And also how your stepson (his priority) is likely to react. I was an only child and would have loved a Boxing Day with other kids but your stepson may feel differently.

Wait, why does her DC and his kid get to decide whether OPs kids are allowed in their own house with their own mum on Boxing Day? Ridiculous.

Original poster

Lemonmelon1 · 12/09/2024 21:24

@banality101 I agree with you tbh.
People are always quick to say about sc coming first for the biological parent but not mine coming first for me.
In order to blend we have to think of things that work for both sides. Not always easy but my kids need to be a priority too.

OP posts:

Tbskejue · 13/09/2024 09:18

I’d save some presents for your DC to open with your DSC on Boxing Day and maybe some presents from each other to help bond them.

Original poster

Lemonmelon1 · 13/09/2024 10:26

Tbskejue · 13/09/2024 09:18

I’d save some presents for your DC to open with your DSC on Boxing Day and maybe some presents from each other to help bond them.

That's a lovely idea. Thanks.

OP posts:

takeittakeit · 14/09/2024 17:51

Well I am going to buck the trend and say you are being incredibly selfish

You get your DCs on your own on Xmas Day
You resent them going to see their DF on Boxing Day because you want them to be at home playing with their new things in your house.

Have you asked your EX what he wants - no part of Xmas with his DCs He may not be big into Xmas but that does not mean he wants to have some part of Xmas with his DCs You do not know he will be fine with it nor do you know if your DCs are fine with it.

You do not like Boxing Day because you do not have your DCs there but DP has his child there. Yet you expect DP to sit there whilst you have your DCS on Xmas Day to yourself. How hard does he find that?
Now the one day he has with his DC and for him to focus on his DC, you want him to share it with your DCs.

All about you, you have asked no one your DP, your DCS or your Ex.

Sorry you have a blended family and an EX partner you do not get to have to all your own way

Original poster

Lemonmelon1 · 14/09/2024 21:20

takeittakeit · 14/09/2024 17:51

Well I am going to buck the trend and say you are being incredibly selfish

You get your DCs on your own on Xmas Day
You resent them going to see their DF on Boxing Day because you want them to be at home playing with their new things in your house.

Have you asked your EX what he wants - no part of Xmas with his DCs He may not be big into Xmas but that does not mean he wants to have some part of Xmas with his DCs You do not know he will be fine with it nor do you know if your DCs are fine with it.

You do not like Boxing Day because you do not have your DCs there but DP has his child there. Yet you expect DP to sit there whilst you have your DCS on Xmas Day to yourself. How hard does he find that?
Now the one day he has with his DC and for him to focus on his DC, you want him to share it with your DCs.

All about you, you have asked no one your DP, your DCS or your Ex.

Sorry you have a blended family and an EX partner you do not get to have to all your own way

I did not say I resent them going to their dads on Boxing Day. I simply said I miss them as they haven't had time to unwind and enjoy their gifts. I find Xmas day can be quite frantic with opening gifts and sorting dinner etc whereas Boxing Day is much more relaxed. I was with their dad for 17.5 years so I know him very well. He would still see the children for Xmas just probably Xmas Eve instead. He very much doesn't care for celebrations. I make the effort to ask if he wants to swap nights when it's his bday but he never does. Same with Xmas. He really isn't fussed when he sees them.
Dh made the choice to leave his family home and did so knowing he wouldn't see his son constantly like a nuclear family does. Knowing he wouldn't get Xmas and bdays with him. That was his choice to make long before I met him. I cannot live my life based around that fact at the detriment of my relationship with my kids.
I chose to take my kids with me when I left my abusive ex. I also know for a fact they would far rather spend Boxing Day with me. 2 out of the 3 would be happy not visiting their dad at all but I make an effort to ensure they have contact and encourage them to build a good relationship with their dad.
I have only asked on here for opinions first as I wanted to see if I was being unfair or not. It seems the majority think I should be putting the needs of my kids first as they are my main priority which is what I was also thinking.

OP posts:

Love51 · 14/09/2024 21:36

Fair or unfair doesn't really come into it. My children would never be unwelcome in my home to accommodate someone else.
Of course that cuts both ways, his child shouldn't be unwelcome either but that doesn't seem to be happening. Just have your kids when you want and DH does the same. If they are opening gifts together have a think about parity of course but you can't not have your kids to accommodate a step child.

SquishyGloopyBum · 15/09/2024 06:32

takeittakeit · 14/09/2024 17:51

Well I am going to buck the trend and say you are being incredibly selfish

You get your DCs on your own on Xmas Day
You resent them going to see their DF on Boxing Day because you want them to be at home playing with their new things in your house.

Have you asked your EX what he wants - no part of Xmas with his DCs He may not be big into Xmas but that does not mean he wants to have some part of Xmas with his DCs You do not know he will be fine with it nor do you know if your DCs are fine with it.

You do not like Boxing Day because you do not have your DCs there but DP has his child there. Yet you expect DP to sit there whilst you have your DCS on Xmas Day to yourself. How hard does he find that?
Now the one day he has with his DC and for him to focus on his DC, you want him to share it with your DCs.

All about you, you have asked no one your DP, your DCS or your Ex.

Sorry you have a blended family and an EX partner you do not get to have to all your own way

Completely agree!

You aren't putting the needs of your children first - you are putting your own needs first.

Do they even care about having a more relaxed Boxing Day with you? They might value seeing their dad on it over playing with toys.

You are being selfish here and no amount of justification takes away from that.

If it ain't broke, why fix it? Have you even talked to your DH about this? He might not be best pleased.

50andhopeless · 15/09/2024 07:02

Completely agree. Selfish. As you are missing them on boxing day, you are ready to unsettle everyone else.

Original poster

Lemonmelon1 · 15/09/2024 10:00

Nobody knows their kids better than their own mum. I asked my children what they'd prefer this morning and all 3 have said they would rather be with their dad Xmas Eve and me Xmas day and Boxing Day.
If anything I feel the previous arrangement was done only with dh and sc in mind and I've not checked with my kids hence why I've considered a change this year.
Sc will still get his usual gifts from us and I was thinking we could all do like a secret Santa exchange so the kids have all got a little gift from each other.
It would be nice to be able to celebrate Xmas all together rather than 2 separate ones where the children don't all together.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemonmelon1 · 15/09/2024 10:02

If anything this has been done with the kids best interests in mind so not selfish at all.

OP posts:

Fahdidahlia · 15/09/2024 10:18

Your posts come across that it is about your needs not your children's. You have criticised both your ex and your DH ex but are also behaving in a similar way. Your comments on noone knows a child better than their mother is sexist and unfair. Children should not be involved in these discussions. They shouldn't have been asked. They will want to please you so will of course say yes. Saying it's so they can play with their toys is about you as you want to see it. Waiting another day doesn't matter. Don't be that person who thinks your way can be the only correct way. There are many other people involved here.

Original poster

Lemonmelon1 · 15/09/2024 10:35

Fahdidahlia · 15/09/2024 10:18

Your posts come across that it is about your needs not your children's. You have criticised both your ex and your DH ex but are also behaving in a similar way. Your comments on noone knows a child better than their mother is sexist and unfair. Children should not be involved in these discussions. They shouldn't have been asked. They will want to please you so will of course say yes. Saying it's so they can play with their toys is about you as you want to see it. Waiting another day doesn't matter. Don't be that person who thinks your way can be the only correct way. There are many other people involved here.

Edited

I haven't criticised my ex at all. He is a great ex in all fairness and we get along great now. I've just stated he isn't in to Xmas.
Previous posters have said multiple times 'what do the kids want' and of course I want to do what is in their best interests so have asked what they would like to do. In a totally non biased way they have been given a few options and asked which they would like most.
I'm aware my kids are growing up fast and want to enjoy our times as much as possible.

OP posts:

Loadsapandas · 15/09/2024 12:00

Have you asked SC too?

and is DH ok with it?

Also have you considered just doing Xmas on Boxing Day?

The dinner at least, not gifts for your DC obs.

Curlywurlyandbuttons · 15/09/2024 12:03

I think it would be fine if they get along ?

every year we have sc for new year eve and new year day and do a second Xmas then and mine just have 2 Christmas days but know on the second one that they just get one gift as SC haven’t had theirs from us yet and it works really well

thursdaymurderclub · 15/09/2024 12:07

you are very lucky to always have your children on christmas day! i had to alternate and one year i got christmas day, the next i got boxing day.

is there a reason why do you not get your SC on christmas day? i would assume its the same reason you have your own children on christmas day, because you are their mum!

maybe conversations need to be had, and you need to start alternating christmas, for it to be a bit fairer on all parents. perhaps your ex doesn't bother so much because honestly, by boxing day, christmas is over and done with.. you can't do the whole 'santa's' been twice!

when does DH get a christmas day with his own children?

thursdaymurderclub · 15/09/2024 12:08

takeittakeit · 14/09/2024 17:51

Well I am going to buck the trend and say you are being incredibly selfish

You get your DCs on your own on Xmas Day
You resent them going to see their DF on Boxing Day because you want them to be at home playing with their new things in your house.

Have you asked your EX what he wants - no part of Xmas with his DCs He may not be big into Xmas but that does not mean he wants to have some part of Xmas with his DCs You do not know he will be fine with it nor do you know if your DCs are fine with it.

You do not like Boxing Day because you do not have your DCs there but DP has his child there. Yet you expect DP to sit there whilst you have your DCS on Xmas Day to yourself. How hard does he find that?
Now the one day he has with his DC and for him to focus on his DC, you want him to share it with your DCs.

All about you, you have asked no one your DP, your DCS or your Ex.

Sorry you have a blended family and an EX partner you do not get to have to all your own way

this...

Original poster

Lemonmelon1 · 15/09/2024 12:19

Curlywurlyandbuttons · 15/09/2024 12:03

I think it would be fine if they get along ?

every year we have sc for new year eve and new year day and do a second Xmas then and mine just have 2 Christmas days but know on the second one that they just get one gift as SC haven’t had theirs from us yet and it works really well

Edited

This is what I'm thinking of doing but on Boxing Day. Glad to hear it works for you.

OP posts:

takeittakeit · 20/09/2024 08:19

Sorry - no child is going to tell the parent asking the question that they want to spend Xmas with the other one.
This is all about you, your narrative and whilst your DCS might have said yes, you do not give a damn about your DP and his DC

That you think what you have done is non biased shows how selfish and blinkered you are. If you had asked the question with both you and their DF there - it would have been non biased

Not sure you are listening to anyone but your selfish wants - don't your SDC get and option in this - he gets to go with what you want.

We will await the post where you complain about Boxing Dy being too focussed on SDC and your DCs get sidelined because that is so obviously going to be next issue Yes DCS of all descriptions grow up quickly and everyone gets to enjoy Xmas with them not just you