WWYD - long distance co-parenting

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I have been with my partner for 6 years overall, married for 1. My partner has two children (aged 12 and 8), from two previous relationships, so two different BMs. We have a good relationship with the eldest DC and BM. Sadly, the same cant be said for the youngest DC and BM, but we do try to minimise any arguments.

To add to the difficulty, the eldest DC lives 400 miles away and the youngest lives 45 miles away, in opposite directions. We try and see both DC once a month for the weekend, with travel split.

Now that the eldest DC is getting older, and school work increasing, they are becoming fed up with the 400 mile journey. They have asked that we visit once a month and stay with them for the weekend instead.

The problem is, we keep being told by the BM of the youngest DC, that DC doesnt want to see us without their half sibling (adding to the already strained relationship) and will not do the 400 mile journey either. Almost forcing the eldest DC to do the 400 mile journey so that they get to see their half sibling.

We are at a loss at what to do. We obviously want to keep everyone happy and spend time with both DC, but at the moment it is virtually impossible without an argument from the youngest BM.

So, my question is, what would you do?

Birth mothers? Do you mean just their mums?

Yes, their mums (birth mums).

Why not just say their mums? No other qualifier needed. Do you think of your partner as the birth dad?!

Just very odd phrasing. Birth mum is usually used for a situation like adoption. These women are just the mums of their kids… normal mums?

It was simply to differentiate that DC had different mums, and that I am step mum. No harm intended. Do you have any advice please?

The children don't get to decide that they want to see each other but then not travel either - unfortunately this is the situation you're going to end up in with children with multiple women a whole country apart.

The 8 year old needs to appreciate if they don't want to do the 400m round trip, the part sibling doesn't want to either.

The mother of the younger child needs to be on-side with this and help explain to the youngest why this isn't something that can happen / be encouraged.

Difficult one I can see, but I think you need to leave it up to mum and dad to sort out, in both cases. I think it sounds like it’s just the beginning of them growing up, too - this situation could never have continued for long with the older one growing up and getting more involved in outside life at home.

A more flexible approach all round is probably the only thing that’s going to work. Say, older one comes down once every three months and sees sibling then.

Would you and your dh be happy to visit the eldest once a month? Sounds good or maybe now he is older it would be an idea for him to come and stay with you for a longer time just in the holidays? Let him just get on with life where he lives the rest of the time.

I don't think it's a good idea to let the younger child dictate terms. Keep offering to have him once a month and if he says no then that's his mistake. He can see his brother in the holidays. It's not that bad!

When someone lives 400 miles away, something has to give!

Thank you. And yes, we have made the 400 mile trip this weekend but without youngest DC as we are told they didnt want to come. It has caused an argument because it has been seen we have favoured the eldest DC over the youngest DC.

I think you need to separate out two questions: first, what is a reasonable/feasible amount of contact for each child? Second, how should that contact be split to make it 'fair' to both children?

Take Child 1 (the eldest child) - they live 400 miles away and age 12 (so essentially their wishes on contact should be largely respected as old enough to make the call on what they want). One weekend a month seems reasonable given the distance and that they've got their own life to live.

I'd ask Child 1 to alternate months - one month Child 1 travels to stay with you, the next month you go to them.

Then Child 2 - lives 45 miles away, age 8 - their views on contact should be given some weight but not decisive. Personally I think your DH should be seeing Child 2 more than once a month given it's a relatively short distance. Why do you not have EOW with them?

Child 2's contact should not be dependent on Child 1. Obviously, the half-sibling relationship should be promoted as far as possible, but your DH has a separate, parental relationship with Child 2. If Child 2 is reluctant to visit without Child 1 there, I think your DP needs to address this directly and sort it out. Can he organise some fun activities to do with Child 2 which would make contact positive?

Obviously, you should try to overlap the weekends when Child 1 is with you with Child 2's weekends.

Child 2 should not have to travel 400 miles to spend time with a parent who lives 45 miles away! I don't think that's a reasonable thing to ask.

If Child 2's mother won't facilitate reasonable contact, your DH should go to court.

Can the children spend time together with you in the holidays?

I can totally understand why the youngest DC, who lives reasonably close but only sees their dad once a month (appalling), doesn’t want to spend their rare time together doing an 800 mile round trip.

Once a month for the youngest when they live relatively close it's ridiculous. He needs to see that child more and then they might enjoy spending more time with him.

My questions would be who moved and why despite only living 45 minutes away from his second child does your partner not see his child more than once a month??

Can’t say I’d think much of whichever parent instigated the 400 mile distance.

Tbh I don’t blame either child for not wanting to travel all that way. It’s a pretty impossible situation.

Thank you so much for your input. It does put things into perspective which I think was needed.

Child 2 just wont spend time with DH alone (i.e. without child 1). It is frustrating but something we may just have to accept. We have spoken to Child 2 many times over the years, have suggested fun things to do and of their choice. We have also tried to get mum onboard but it just hasn't happened. Tears, tantrums, and arguments with mum hasnt helped.

Holidays are already shared :)

Cross posted: child 2 doesn't want a relationship with your husband.

Trust me. DH has always wanted to see his youngest more often, but contact has/is always refused because their sibiling wont be there too. At present they wont even answer the phone to DH without their sibling being on the call too.

Child 2 just wont spend time with DH alone (i.e. without child 1)

Can you honestly blame him? He's obviously not a priority for his dad so why would he want to spend time with him?

I'll genuinely never understand someone who gets with a partner who basically abandoned his kids, how can anyone find that characteristic attractive?

Child 2 has never been abandoned? Mum of Child 1 made the 400 mile move. Not us.

Did he not bother to go to court to prevent his child being moved so far away? That's a bare minimum thing.

No, not at the time. Child 2 wasnt born and so there wasnt an issue with travel. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

So he voluntarily allowed his child who wasn't even 6 years old to move 400 miles away? He clearly had very little intention of seeing him even before his sibling was born. He's obviously not that interested in being a dad so I'm not sure why he's making such a fuss that the kids have picked up on that fact and don't want to see much of him.

I see where you are coming from but things are very amicable with mum of Child 1. Situations change, relationships change and did what was right at that time. He is a very good Dad and did the 400 mile trip every weekend when Child 1 was younger.

Child 1 still wants to see DH, its only Child 2 that doesnt when Child 1 isnt there.

He is a very good Dad and did the 400 mile trip every weekend when Child 1 was younger

And yet he can’t manage a 45 mile trip more than once a month for his youngest child.

That the younger DC really only wants to see their older sibling rather than your DH, says a lot about how good a dad he actually is.

It's really confusing as to why the child nearby doesn't want to spend time without sibling.

There's no way this is happening without good cause. Children will only do this if they're feeling utterly failed in relationship with their father for whatever reason or there's significant parental alienation happening.

Why is husband not moving absolute heaven and earth to sort out that relationship! It's so straightforward. It just takes showing an authentic and genuine interest in that child and consistently showing them you want a relationship. He isn't doing that.

Appreciated that wasn't your question and unhelpful. Fortunately you are actually trying to help sort an element of the problem out for him.