WWYD - long distance co-parenting

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I have been with my partner for 6 years overall, married for 1. My partner has two children (aged 12 and 8), from two previous relationships, so two different BMs. We have a good relationship with the eldest DC and BM. Sadly, the same cant be said for the youngest DC and BM, but we do try to minimise any arguments.

To add to the difficulty, the eldest DC lives 400 miles away and the youngest lives 45 miles away, in opposite directions. We try and see both DC once a month for the weekend, with travel split.

Now that the eldest DC is getting older, and school work increasing, they are becoming fed up with the 400 mile journey. They have asked that we visit once a month and stay with them for the weekend instead.

The problem is, we keep being told by the BM of the youngest DC, that DC doesnt want to see us without their half sibling (adding to the already strained relationship) and will not do the 400 mile journey either. Almost forcing the eldest DC to do the 400 mile journey so that they get to see their half sibling.

We are at a loss at what to do. We obviously want to keep everyone happy and spend time with both DC, but at the moment it is virtually impossible without an argument from the youngest BM.

So, my question is, what would you do?

How would he have stopped him moving away?

Ever since I have been with DH, he has asked to see Child 2. But, if Child 1 isnt going to be there, we have tears, tantrums, and refusal. It's not a case of he hasnt or doesnt try. He calls Child 2 every week without fail but contact is declined unless Child 1 is on the call or is there in person.

What do you mean how would have stopped them moving away? By going to court like lots of parents doing similar situations.

As a PP said the fact the second child only wants to see his sibling not his father speaks volumes about this situation.

Your DH needs to persist in spending time with Child 2 without Child 1 there.

He needs to ride out the tears/tantrums/ reluctance. What does Child 2 enjoy doing? Going to the zoo, the cinema, McDonald's, Pizza Hut, the toy shop to be bought a toy, an adventure playground, mini golf, climbing, bowling? There must be some "high value" activities he can offer the first few times to bribe convince Child 2 to spend time with him and then slowly dial them down as the relationship progresses. I don't know a single child who doesn't like to be taken out to be bought a present and then for an ice-cream or other treat.

I completely agree and we have tried all sorts over the years; as you would imagine. But, we have always got flat out refusal which then causes arguments with mum.

How can it still be the father's fault that the mother decided to move 400 miles away? Men can never do right. I know a lot of them don't but come on, you'd never have said that if we were talking about a father moving the child 400 miles away!

Has your DH tried asking the mum what Child 2 is into? Or asking the mum if he can take Child 2 to buy some things that Child 2 needs - perhaps she could give him a list.

Really the best thing would be to get her onside supporting contact as much as she can, but if not your DH might need to go to court.

I think you have its the oldest child that has changed the goalposts

We do still see Child 2, but this had been limited to when Child 1 is there too. Which, until recently, has been one weekend a month or longer during the holidays. We are fully aware what Child 2 is interested in and there are absolutely no problems with Child 2 when in our company on those particular weekends.

We have had amicable sit down chats with just mum of Child 2, but Child 2 is absolute adamant they wont see DH without Child 1. This obviously puts Child 1 in a difficult position too, which we also need to think about.

It's a hard one, i must admit and have taken everyones comments on board, so thank you.

Why exactly does Child 2 refuse to see your DH without Child 1 there? What reason do they give? I presume they've been asked.

We have asked many times over the years. We just simply get a no, doesnt want to without Child 1 and if pressed, we get tears. Mum then gets angry at DH for carrying on the questionning, and were back to square one. Rightly or wrongly, DH has learnt not retaliate and has tried to accept.

Could you not try EOW (or at least monthly) and pick up direct from school?

Thank you, and yes DH will continue to try. Fingers crossed one day we will turn a corner.

It's a commonly used term on step-parenting groups. I don't know why people get their knickers in a twist about it every time on MN.

You sound a lovely caring stepmother thank you for putting so much effort into the relationships with both children. Hopefully things will change in the future. Perhaps the young child is at a funny age? Hormones kicking at seven I believe.

Always continue to try when they are older they will come around and they will remember that you tried

I'm not sure mom #2 isn't the problem. You have done things to please S2 for years. It's not fair for S1 to do all of the traveling. Have S1 travel twice per year. If S2 doesn't want to go with you that's his problem.

But S2 shouldn't have to travel 400 miles to see a parent who lives 45 miles away. That seems to me to be the heart of the problem. I'm all for taking children's wishes into account but I really don't understand why S2 has been allowed to refuse contact with an apparently loving dad in this way by all the adults involved, unless the half-sibling is present, unless there is a lot more to the story.

It's great that the half siblings have a relationship. I'd wonder about moving to more of a school holiday arrangement for longer periods and video calls at other times with sibling and then encourage more 1:1 with the dad and each child. Though it's for him to take the lead. Your post is full of 'we' , what do the children want from their relationship with you and from their dad separately?