I'm done

[JudyJulie]

For 23, yes 23, years I have tried to have a relationship with my SD and have met with nothing other than passive aggression or downright ignorance in return.

She will speak to me if I speak to her first, but only one word answers or at best short sentences.

I have tried so hard and got absolutely nowhere. DH has spoken to her, but it has madeno difference. At the same time, for what It's worth, my DC have a reasonable adult relationship with my DH of 20 years.

Today takes the biscuit. It is her older DC's first day at school. She has sent DH a photo, taken from above so you cannot see his face but only the top of his head, and told DH he cannot show this to anyone else because DC has the school logo on his sweatshirt.

I actually feel sorry for her. She had a rotten childhood being a carer for her mentally ill mother, while her father was living it up on the other side of the world, and she is now in an abusive relationship, but even so, I think I'm done.

I think you should be done, done with your DH and all of his family.

He's treated his daughter like shit, created a toxic mess and sucked you into it.

Just to sum up:
Her parents split up
She is left to care for her mentally ill mum
Her father moves to another country and enjoys his life
Her father meets and lives with another woman and becomes a step dad to her kids.
She is in an abusive relationship.
She takes a photo and sends it to her dad and her step-mum can't cope with this.

Please feel free to cut contact with her. I feel she would be much better off without you. Don't interfere with her dad's relationship with her.

You can go low contact but she may need help leaving her relationship but when she's ready.

I don’t know more than is written here, but you do realise that she could be saying, don’t show it to all your mates, or put it on fb? Rather than please don’t show it to my witch of a SM.

I don’t understand? Are you done because her photography skills are poor?

I don’t get the photo why that’s a big deal?

So your Dh abandoned his daughter to look after his mentally ill wife while he moved to another country? Wow, and what is it you see in this man? So very sad he set the standard for her future relationships.

There is so much more than just the photo, believe me. I would hardly know where to start. The photo just feels like the final straw.

I have put up with all sorts of things, from her bringing into our house things she knows I am allergic to, to never seeing again anything I buy for her DC, to never being allowed to be alone with her DC and so on.

I have taken her in when she had nowhere else to go, have helped her with the formalities when her DM was sectioned, forgave her for ruining my wedding,accepted that I would never receive any acknowledgement for any of these things.

To a PP, my children were virtually adults when DH and I married, so there was no question of him becoming a step parent as such. He is my DH and they have a reasonable adult relationship with him. Equally I have never tried to be SD's DM.

Me too. Not sure if it's me tonight, but I can't understand half the threads posted tonight.

I do agree with the PP though who pointed out what a shit childhood she's had and your DH doesn't come across as dad of the year. With no further info, my sympathies lie with the daughter

She's a product of her own environment. I don't know what you see in your dh to abandon his child especially under those circumstances.

I met DH ten years after he and his DW had separated. He moved abroad because that is where the work was and kept in as close touch with his DD as he could.

The photo feels like the last straw. I have repeatedly gone above and beyond for her over the years despite the way she has behaved to me and yet I am still not good enough to be allowed to see a photo of her D.C that does not even identify them.

Who wants to end up old and still tolerating this crap? Get thyself a better life. And a better bloody man. How have you enough respect for him to shag him? Big ick.. Urgh..

Regardless of it being 10 year knowing the history how can you have any respect for such a father to treat his fresh and blood that way. She literally owes you both nothing.

How old was she when he left her to "live it up" abroad and when did he come back?

Seems your DH is lucky she even talks to him at all.

No, he should have left his job because it wasn’t where his DAUGHTER was.

He sowed it so now he’s reaping it and it sounds well deserved. If you are collateral damage, it’s because you chose a shitty man.

I can see why your done with the situation m. I can't see what on earth you find attractive about your DH.

Her mums blame is limited as she has diagnosed mental health issues. Her dad on the other hand, what a shit bag of a man!

It doesn’t sound like you need to do anything. She doesn’t want a relationship with you, you don’t seem to like her. You’re not being asked for anything. Just accept it as it is.

What has your husband done to try and repair the relationship with his child and damage he did to her by abandoning her to care for her mother?

I actually understand why you're done but I don't think you're laying the blame at the feet of the right person. You should be angry at your deadbeat husband who created this mess!

I appreciate you've gone above and beyond but that will be meaningless if he's just swanned back into her life after the absolutely abhorrent way he treated her. I'm not saying any of her poor behaviour is excusable, but it sounds like she's dealing with a lot of long standing trauma from an extremely difficult childhood. Not an excuse but a very obvious explanation. What help and support is she receiving?

OP, do you mean she doesn't want you to know what school her DS is going to for security reasons?

Or are you upset that you/DH aren't allowed to share the photo?

I get that there's a history between the two of you, but I can't see how the photo is some sort of dig at you.

There's still no reason for her to be rude to the Op.

Your DH sounds like a terrible father and you're reaping the outcome of his bad parenting.

Imagine leaving your child with a mentally ill mother for a job, it beggers belief. There are other jobs but you only have one child.

In a nutshell, her dad is crap, but because taking her frustrations out on him would mean him abandoning her, again, she is taking it out on the next best thing, which is you. It sounds like a horrible mess op, and you don't deserve to be caught up in it.

What on earth do you see in such an awful man?

He left a child in a dreadful situation, epitome of a deadbeat father and now she's the problem?

Raise your bar OP.

She had a rotten childhood being a carer for her mentally ill mother, while her father was living it up on the other side of the world, and she is now in an abusive relationship
The bit being brushed under the carpet is the crux of the matter.

Presumably you're not looking to leave the shitty man that's the root of the problem, so just ignore her now and accept this is all you'll get.

She sounds like she's got an abundance of mental health issues

If you and your DH are happy and this is the only issue. I think I just wouldn't bother with her. She comes round. You go out. Your DH wants to see her and her child then he just goes.
There's no rule that you have to have a relationship with her. And yeah while it'd be nice it is what it is.