I'm done

[JudyJulie]

For 23, yes 23, years I have tried to have a relationship with my SD and have met with nothing other than passive aggression or downright ignorance in return.

She will speak to me if I speak to her first, but only one word answers or at best short sentences.

I have tried so hard and got absolutely nowhere. DH has spoken to her, but it has madeno difference. At the same time, for what It's worth, my DC have a reasonable adult relationship with my DH of 20 years.

Today takes the biscuit. It is her older DC's first day at school. She has sent DH a photo, taken from above so you cannot see his face but only the top of his head, and told DH he cannot show this to anyone else because DC has the school logo on his sweatshirt.

I actually feel sorry for her. She had a rotten childhood being a carer for her mentally ill mother, while her father was living it up on the other side of the world, and she is now in an abusive relationship, but even so, I think I'm done.

He moved abroad because that's where the work was? Eh? There is more than one job, he could have done ANYTHING for work and made sure that his daughter was cared for and looked after properly, instead he left her to become a carer to a mentally I'll women. Her dad and your husband is a piss poor example of a parent. I hope he knows that.

"She had a rotten childhood being a carer for her mentally ill mother, while her father was living it up on the other side of the world"

Her father is your husband? Why was he not there for his daughter?

Your sd is taking her feelings about the shitty childhood she had and the abandonment she lived through coping with her mother when he moved country out on you. She is also in an abusive relationship and is obviously deeply unhappy, step back op, be pleasant to her but stop trying to win her over. When she comes over say hello and leave them to it, you could get on with a hobby, meet up with friends etc and stay in the background.
I have an adult sd and I leave husband to meet up with her, if she comes over H likes me there as she hard work and usually scrolling on her phone. It’s only when her brother (my ss whom is easy going and great) is there that she starts trying to make me uncomfortable by saying stuff to no one in particular but it’s a dig at me. I just ignore it as luckily I don’t see her often and she twists everything if you do answer her back so I don’t bother. I just stand up and say ‘on that note I will get on with my hobby’ and leave the room . She wants me to engage so she can get hysterical and manipulate everyone that she is being picked on the victim and I’ve made a point that she’s being rude by leaving the room and it highlights her behaviour! I say hello, how are you doing, do you want a drink and goodbye and avoid any shit storms for my husband but I don’t engage.

Just because you marry into a family doesn’t mean everyone will like you, some people wouldn’t like anyone as their stepmother/stepdad, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It is what it is. My ss and I get on well, we talk and have a laugh and he is glad his dad is happy.
If she accused me of something I would put her straight but she’s very passive aggressive, I know there is nothing I can do to make her accept/like me and she sees me as a threat so I make sure she sees him without me to give her space.

You married a man who chose to abandon his daughter? Does he not utterly repulse you?
The barest of minimum of a decent parent would have brought his child with him. There's no excuse for child abandonment.
Just noticed this thread is from September @SpryCat

You married a pathetic loser. That doesn't generally lead to happy families.

I get it but I think the photo is more related to her keeping her (PFB?) child safe and nothing to do with pissing you off. She’s going a bit overboard but with her history maybe that’s understandable. It’s your DP who should be a bit miffed at the photo, he’s the grandad and isn’t allowed a regular photo with his grandsons face.

If I were you I would step back. Show no interest whatsoever. She clearly doesn’t want it. You’re exhausting yourself giving it. Time to concentrate on other things.

You as the other woman helped the daughter to have her mother sectioned?
Not to your advantage of course.
Where was her husband whilst you were doing this?

If I were the daughter, I wouldn't want anything to do with either of you.