Feeling unfulfilled as a step mum

[Grinty1]

My DSC 12 is with us full time. Mum not physically in the picture. I'm a SAHM so do all the parenting until DH comes home from work. I do most things for DSC- cleaning after them, laundry, staying on top of school work, prepare all their meals. This holiday we've spent some lovely days out together while hubby is at work. Most days DSC has contact with their mum, and hearing her promising she'll see my DSC soon (such meeting never materialises), that they miss each other, love each other, just upset me a little yesterday.

I've been in DSC's life for a while now, I'm the main parent they spend most of their time with, but our relationship seems purely functional/devoid of emotion. I do things for them, faciliate outings, clean up after them, feed them, worry about their schooling, console them when they're upset. But that's it. That's my role in their life. I don't get thanked. My DSC doesn't think of the things I'm giving up to care for them (career, interests, hobbies), how much time, energy and money I spend on them. I'll never be told that they love me or care for me or that they'll even miss me.

Does anyone else feel this way sometimes?

I don't feel this way because my step childrens' parents actually parent them.

Your DSC is 12 so isn't going to be grateful for all you do. Children that are don't really consider others and feel entitled to parents doing stuff for them. It's hard enough for parents with the biological feelings of unconditional love, let alone step parents.

My hubby is of course appreciative and grateful. But mum, unsurprisingly perhaps isn't. In her regular contact with DSC she tests DSC's loyalty often, and seems like she is almost competing with me- like when she found out I was studying with DSC, she promised them a private tutor (never happened of course).

I said she wasn't physically present. She never sees my DSC. But she calls DSC most days.

Lol my own kids behave like that. Rarely get any thanks for what I am doing for them.

If you stay in their lives and continue to be a constant loving secure presence, then no, as teenagers they will likely never make you feel valued for it, but as adults, they absolutely will.

12 year olds aren’t grateful to their parents but that will come in time. My mum lost her mum in the primary years and gained a step mum when she was 13. It’s obviously different as her mum wasn’t around but her step mum died last year at 90 and my mum was really affected by the loss. Her step mum had been there for her for over 60 years! She was a great step mum and step nan, she babysat for us loads, had us all to tea every Saturday, she took me to a uni open day, she was always there to support my parents. And she went on to have her own biological children and grandchildren too. Respect, gratitude and relationships are won over the long term - in time, your step dd will see her own mum’s failings and appreciate you and all you’ve done for her.

Have you got your own kids? If not why does a 12 year old need a stay at home parent?

Beyond that, DSC know they can rely on you while they have to fight for mum’s praise and love. I don’t blame you for feeling put upon.

Why are you a SAHP to a 12yr old?
What about your own pension and income?

@RedHare82 she chooses not to see my DSC- she has a very busy social and work life.

@TomatoSandwiches I have other children yes.

@crazycrofter Many thanks for your response and sharing your experience of your step grandmother.

I appreciate 12 year olds generally are ungrateful, but also see how my DSC is with dad and how they speak to mum- it seems a much deeper and richer relationship. I know I shouldn't expect the same thing of course. But there are days I feel like hired help or childcare.

Your dsc has two parents whom he loves. You are his dad's wife. He's behaving like a standard 12yo, but without the occasional affectionate hug because he doesn't think of you like that. His loyalties and parental relationships are already established and that's a good thing. It may seem odd to you but if it works for them, you have to let it run.

Which means, to his 12yo brain, you are basically the housekeeper and his dad's new wife.

The best you can hope for is respect and affection when he emerges from his teens. Which is a long time to wait, I know.

If your own children are older, it's probably time to go back to work.

I do agree with this from his POV.

The massive 'but' is that IP doesn't have to be his housekeeper, childminder etc so I don't think that's the best she can hope for.

I wouldn't do it personally.

OP are you affectionate to your DSD?
12 is still quite young and even tho they play all adult they do need a lot of love and affection.

I am sorry, OP. I am guessing your kids are younger and I echo what others have said about it not being a grateful age (I occasionally get a thank you for dinner now from my teens!)

And also, your Dsc must be so confused. Showing affection to you might feel disloyal to mum, esp when mum promises the earth and never comes through. 12 is too young to have sussed this is how mum is, and your DSC will be always hoping their mum changes and maybe having magical thinking that mum would change if they were somehow good enough.

Sad all round. You are doing great.

Simply put, no child owes us their gratitude, be they our biological child or step-child.
Parenting my own children often feels like a thankless task and my twins are only 6!
Gently, your DSC has 2 parents and, whilst one clearly falls short, that's still their parent and, whilst you may do the day to day parenting, you're not their parent iyswim.

You're a stay at home mum to a kid that isn't even yours?
A kid that is 12?!

Are you looking at getting out of work and someone paying you to sit around at home?

Are you married at least?

You don't have a life, that's why you're unfulfilled.

You have other kids, at least that's something.

I think how conscious children are of being grateful comes down entirely to how much they’ve been encouraged to develop a sense of gratitude and good manners. If your DH or his ex have never bothered to do this, your DSC won’t be in the habit of it.

Lots of parents feel that way. Being a mum is often a thankless task. But the kid will grow into an adult and they'll know who looked after them.

Kids tend to appear to take the parent that they feel most secure with for granted. They dont need to earn your love, or worry about you being gone. You're there, you're always there, no matter what they do.

I'd say that's typical of most children. They rarely give their parents/carers a round of applause.

Your sdc will likely appreciate what you have done when they are older. But it's unreasonable to expect them to be grateful any more than you would expect your own children

If you are unhappy with the situation/division of parenting you need to sort that with your dh.