Feeling unfulfilled as a step mum

[Grinty1]

My DSC 12 is with us full time. Mum not physically in the picture. I'm a SAHM so do all the parenting until DH comes home from work. I do most things for DSC- cleaning after them, laundry, staying on top of school work, prepare all their meals. This holiday we've spent some lovely days out together while hubby is at work. Most days DSC has contact with their mum, and hearing her promising she'll see my DSC soon (such meeting never materialises), that they miss each other, love each other, just upset me a little yesterday.

I've been in DSC's life for a while now, I'm the main parent they spend most of their time with, but our relationship seems purely functional/devoid of emotion. I do things for them, faciliate outings, clean up after them, feed them, worry about their schooling, console them when they're upset. But that's it. That's my role in their life. I don't get thanked. My DSC doesn't think of the things I'm giving up to care for them (career, interests, hobbies), how much time, energy and money I spend on them. I'll never be told that they love me or care for me or that they'll even miss me.

Does anyone else feel this way sometimes?

Exactly what I was about to say. Don't think many 12 year olds are appreciative of how much their parents/carers do for them and the sacrifices they make
It's hard not to take it personally but they don't have the level of maturity to really understand or appreciate what is being done.

I certainly didn't until I had my own dc

Children do not have to be grateful for what you give up for them. At best it's ignored and at worst it grows into a self-belief that they are not worthy. You'll have to work on this, don't let your frustrations get directed, even unconsciously, at a child.

You are 100% entitled to support and gratitude for parenting from your partner. You should be drowning in this from him. You can also have a bitch about the mum to select audiences. If she won't change, you'll have to change your perspective towards her. If you were my mate I would RAGE against this woman with you and then we would probably calm down and agree she has some deeper issues going on and it's all a bit sad really.

At some point in the future, probably when they are about 26 years old, your stepchild is going to finally see your love and care and reliability. It's a long time to wait though! And if they have children, you won't be step-grandma

OP, other that being a SAHP, I could have written your post! DSC full time, same age, I am effectively the main parent due to DH's work pattern and have felt exactly as you have. DSC's mum barely sees them, cancels regularly, but gets put on a pedestal because she's their mum. I've often felt like despite all that I do, I don't really matter, I'm just there- doing all the boring but important parts of parenting that their mum can't be arsed to do. But in the last couple of weeks something seems to have flipped. I think their mum has cancelled on them one too many times (she has cancelled 3 times in the last fortnight) and I've been the one to pick up the pieces. One of the times involved me racing back from visiting my grandmother in a hospice having just said my final goodbye to her, to collect DSC from school on a day that their mum was supposed to but didn't turn up and when the school finally managed to get a hold of her told them that she wasn't coming and that youngest DSS (7) should walk home to our house himself (20 minute walk away and no one was home). Every time that she's cancelled, I've been the one there and up until now have felt like it goes completely unrecognised but in the last couple of weeks youngest DSS has started telling me he loves me as I'm putting him to bed and oldest DSS has started to give me hugs when saying bye. It seems so minor but it's the kind of affection that just changes things, I feel seen and loved by them for the first time. I don't feel like I'm 'just there' anymore. I'm not their mum and I never will be but I feel like I am finally becoming someone who matters to them (and not just because I feed them).

You are doing an utterly thankless job while both your step childs parents live their lives.

Honestly OP, it is hardly surprising you feel unfulfilled.

You have other children?
So did you actually give up work for your step child or your own children?

Both those childrens parents have their lives sorted via you not placing any value on your own life.

It is a recurring theme on MN that couples that split often recruit a skivvy aupair to do the slog of parenting.

Perhaps you need to rethink your choices.
They certainly have you nicely stitched up.
You deserve better.

I absolutely can relate to this. I work from home and do all of the housework, washing, meals for my husband and 2 teenage stepsons, both of whom are quite troubled and angry young men who don't speak to each other. I feel sometimes that I need to remind myself of who I am and reinforce my own friendships and family connections, although it's hard when you're at the centre of the household. This week I've drawn some firm boundaries, it's so hard when it feels like no matter how much you put in, they will always be limited in the regard and respect they have for you. I ran around after youngest all weekend, he had a friend over, making snacks, sorting beds etc. We get on really well, he lives with us full time. Tonight I've found my car undriveable, the two of them practically ripped out the handbrake doing turns on Friday night when we had nipped out to the shop. I am livid but the thing that really got me was myself and his dad spoke to him about it (he was grounded indefinitely), he would only look at him and ignored me completely. No apology, just complete disregard. It's like being a muted mum lol, never able to really show what you think, and not getting any recognition, even when they trash your car!

This! We have taught our children about gratitude from a very young age.

OP - have a read up on 'loyalty binds'. Your SC may feek they can't build a strong bond with you out of guilt towards their Mum. Sometimes the more a SC likes a SM the harder it is for them because they feel so guilty as in their head they're 'betraying' their Mum. This could especially be the case if bio mum is falling short (which it sounds like she is!)

Does your SC see you behaving affectionately to your bio kids and maybe not to them? Perhaps SC is scared of being rejected or feels they're not loved as much so keeps more distance?

Your step nan sounds utterly lovely.

Your feelings are entirely understandable but please stick with it - even in the worst scenario you will always have the peace of mind of knowing you did your absolute best.

My partner's family has many step parents and children (it's complicated!!) -many of the step relationships are as close or closer than the bio relationships.

My SIL still has frequent contact with her DSD and step-grandaughter even though it's now thirty years since she split with the girl's bio father.

My niece wrote a letter to her step-dad on her 21st birthday saying "you've been more of a Dad to me than my actual Dad" even though they'd fought for years.

My BIL was at his mother's funeral with his stepson (19) - apparently BIL had told X he didn't need to come and X had said "I can't let you be there alone, can I?" - because BIL's wife was unable to come.