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Step-parenting

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Original poster

18 year step son - no ambition just want to lay about

30 replies

Annrie85 · 25/08/2024 11:09

I am in a real pickle, I have a 18year old step son who is a lay about and has no ambition to get a job or help himself.

his mother is fine with him staying at home sleeping till gone noon and basically never achieving anything in life. But then he gets everything given to him so why should he?

I’ve tried setting up recruitment interviews and even applied for apprenticeships on his behalf but when it comes to him taking the reins and going for the interview he doesn’t turn and then lies that he hasn’t received the email. When I know he has.

I’ve gone out my way for him and he just isn’t bothered. But then when he comes to our house he gets days out and takeaways so is on a free ride!
i try to talk to his dad my husband about it, but he gets all funny with me and doesn’t want to here it, he just keeps telling me to not get involved.

i am at there stage now where I don’t want the step son in my house as I believe we are all enabling his behaviour but not cutting of the treats!

he has just failed his exams for the second time and his mother has jetted him off to turkey on a holiday!

I am so angry but have no one to talk to, should I just not care and let this go as he isn’t mine so isn’t my problem!?

I’ve been in his life since he was 6

OP posts:
Elizo · 25/08/2024 11:12

Sounds frustrating, but if his actual parents aren’t stressed why should you be? Maybe you could cut back on the takeaways and days out but given he doesn’t live with you I would leave it at that. I would stop looking for jobs because he will need to do it himself.

Neodymium · 25/08/2024 11:44

I would stop worrying. Let his parents worry. He lives with his mum she obviously doesn’t care so why should you?

Fallenangelofthenorth · 25/08/2024 11:48

Well if his own father is telling you not to get involved maybe you should listen? It's not really your circus is it? He's still young and isn't this his summer holidays anyway if he's only just found out he's failed his exams?

Skybluepinky · 25/08/2024 11:48

Not yr circus not yr monkey, let his parents deal with it.

Pineapplecake23 · 25/08/2024 12:07

Step back and hand back the worry, it's not yours to take on and you can't single handedly push them all forward against their will.

You have done more then most, so you you can let go of guilt or worry. Do your own thing if your struggling being around it and focus on the aspects of your life you can be in charge of.
You can be available if he asks/wants support in future if you wish but sometimes you have to let things take its own course until they come to the conclusion themselves.

(In my youth I was awful, I got there in the end but later then most and actually only when I was on my own once the enabling stopped)

Original poster
Annrie85 · 25/08/2024 12:19

Thanks everyone this has been so helpful!
just can’t understand why no-one cares or wants their kid to succeed in life! His sister never needed any pushing, she just got on with it!

its like it is just accepted cause he is a boy

OP posts:
Original poster
Annrie85 · 25/08/2024 12:21

This is has been great thank
you

OP posts:
Tiredalwaystired · 25/08/2024 12:24

Sadly hearing this so often about boys currently ages 18-21. Is he a gamer out of interest? I think Covid made it more acceptable for boys to retreat into an online space and there a so many finding it difficult to re emerge. So many of my friends have boys that either never went to, or dropped out of university in the last couple of years and dont seem to be able to motivate themselves forward. Such a worry.

Harvestfestivalknickers · 25/08/2024 12:26

When parents split up I think sometimes neither parent wants to be the disciplinarian. Your husband probably thinks the same as you but doesn't want to be the bad guy so just goes along with the status quo. Unfortunately, neither parent is doing what's necessary, in the long run I'm sure your DSS would be happier with a job, earning his own money and mixing with other people. Sadly he'll stay in this position of being treated like a child, being taken on holiday and bought takeaways because both parents want to be 'nice'.

Illpickthatup · 25/08/2024 13:30

I agree with the others, just let them get on with their shitty parenting. The only concern I would have is joint money being spent on him. Not sure how your finances are organised but their spoiling of this overgrown baby shouldn't be eating into your own personal finances. It's not just the days out, the prospect of having to house, clothes and feed him potentially into his 30s. I wouldn't be joining them on their days out earlier. Make your own plans with friends.

Floofydawg · 25/08/2024 13:49

How often is he at your house? Tbh I'd be pissed off as well if he was laying round the house all day doing nothing. I have a similar 17yo SS.

HeddaGarbler · 25/08/2024 14:00

he has just failed his exams for the second time and his mother has jetted him off to turkey on a holiday!

I can understand your general frustration but I think you’re unreasonable having a problem with the above. Punishing people for failing exams doesn’t work. The holiday may have been booked in advance,

Obviously if he put no effort into revising then that’s a concern that should be addressed. But how can you be sure he didn’t when you’re not with him most of the time? Since he failed for the 2nd time (yet is only 18, so he hasn’t resit A levels or a Btech…???) perhaps he has undiagnosed learning difficulties or was doing subjects where he has no aptitude.

Trying (if he did) and failing certainly shouldn’t be punished by withholding a holiday.

Original poster
Annrie85 · 25/08/2024 16:21

the parents are just letting him get on with it! Bit disappointed with my husband really as he has given up and on trying and I am the only one who seems to care! But I think for my own mental health that I need to do what others are saying and just not stress about it!
our finances are good but I am not going to spend my money on someone else’s kids if there our parents aren’t bothered

OP posts:
Original poster
Annrie85 · 25/08/2024 16:22

HeddaGarbler · 25/08/2024 14:00

he has just failed his exams for the second time and his mother has jetted him off to turkey on a holiday!

I can understand your general frustration but I think you’re unreasonable having a problem with the above. Punishing people for failing exams doesn’t work. The holiday may have been booked in advance,

Obviously if he put no effort into revising then that’s a concern that should be addressed. But how can you be sure he didn’t when you’re not with him most of the time? Since he failed for the 2nd time (yet is only 18, so he hasn’t resit A levels or a Btech…???) perhaps he has undiagnosed learning difficulties or was doing subjects where he has no aptitude.

Trying (if he did) and failing certainly shouldn’t be punished by withholding a holiday.

His mother is of the opinion that qualifications are worth it and schooling is pointless. So he didn’t bother with it either

OP posts:
Original poster
Annrie85 · 25/08/2024 16:23

Annrie85 · 25/08/2024 16:22

His mother is of the opinion that qualifications are worth it and schooling is pointless. So he didn’t bother with it either

Show quote history

*arent

OP posts:
Original poster
Annrie85 · 25/08/2024 16:25

Tiredalwaystired · 25/08/2024 12:24

Sadly hearing this so often about boys currently ages 18-21. Is he a gamer out of interest? I think Covid made it more acceptable for boys to retreat into an online space and there a so many finding it difficult to re emerge. So many of my friends have boys that either never went to, or dropped out of university in the last couple of years and dont seem to be able to motivate themselves forward. Such a worry.

Yes he is gamer was staying up till 5am in the
morning at some
points and his mother let him do this!
when he came to us we switched the WiFi off as we noticed this and even told her that his routine was wrong but she didn’t care

OP posts:
HeddaGarbler · 25/08/2024 16:36

Annrie85 · 25/08/2024 16:22

His mother is of the opinion that qualifications are worth it and schooling is pointless. So he didn’t bother with it either

Show quote history

What qualifications were they that he resat them whilst still being only 18?

If that is the attitude his mother has, then I’m not why you are surprised or irritated that she took him away. But then I have a strong dislike for things being contingent on or withheld based on exam results.

HeddaGarbler · 25/08/2024 17:02

*I’m not sure why…

SheilaFentiman · 25/08/2024 17:08

If his mum, who has done most of the parenting for at least 12 years and probably more, doesn’t value qualifications, then are you surprised he doesn’t?

Does your DH value them?

thursdaymurderclub · 25/08/2024 17:10

firstly, i am surprised at 18 DSS is still visiting his dad regularly! secondly, why at 18 are you still taking him for days out and treating him?

you are never going to win this battle.. i speak from experience and i suggest that you remove yourself.. not as in leave your DH, but leave your DSS too his mum and dad. Make it clear that if his dad wants to spend time with his son, then he sort its, he finances it himself and not out of any joint funds, grin and bear it when DSS visits but don't be planning days out or treats anymore.

BreadInCaptivity · 25/08/2024 18:09

It's a crap situation but if his parents aren't engaged with dealing with the problem (and his mother is actively reinforcing these behaviours) then you are wasting your time trying to change things.

You'll get no thanks and more likely derision and anger at your temerity in giving a shit.

Tell your DH you are not doing this anymore but neither are you going to enable this, so if he wants to continue to reward this laziness with treats and days out he can do that on his own dime and time - that's not parenting but his his rodeo.

Then just back off and leave them to it.

At some point your DH will crack and wail probably when your DSS is mid/late twenties "what did I do wrong?" when DSS is still behaving like a teen expecting to be subsided and you can say - "You CBA/too afraid to parent him".

HeddaGarbler · 26/08/2024 00:16

To be fair, the boy is only 18 and has just finished a school year or at least exams. There’s still a good chance at some point he’ll self-motivate. It’s not like he’s been out of work or education for years Hmm

EG94 · 26/08/2024 08:43

Yep take a step back for sure but make it clear your step back is due to this not been your child as your husband so clearly reminded you. Make it clear as it is not my child, it will not be my child when it comes to the financials so I wont be paying / contributing anymore and as it is not my child, I will not have a fully grown adult who isn’t even looking for work living full time freeloading in my house so of course hubby dearest I will take a step back and continue to let him fail you but be aware these are my hard boundaries.

my brother was a lazy little shit and my mum is soft with him. My stepdad told her and him, I won’t fund an adult so when you’re out of education if you can’t get off your arse and find a job a pay your way, you’ll need to find somewhere else to live.

socks1107 · 26/08/2024 08:55

My sd is lazy like this.
I took a big step back a few years ago, paid for nothing for her and left her parents to manage it. She is still by all accounts just lying around doing nothing.

Pay for nothing and expect certain thugs in the house to be done whilst he's off

vivainsomnia · 27/08/2024 07:33

It sounds like his self esteem is shattered and he might just think nobody would want him to work for them so wrecks any opportunities to avoid facing it.

He's got a mum who shows no interest, dad who does nothing to help, and stepmum highly focus on solutions without considering his issues. In all accounts, he must feel very rejected which makes him believe everyone else would to.

Gaming allows him to escape. He is accepted, maybe valued for his skills, and can just be himself.

I think with young people like him, especially boys, the focus must start with helping rebuild himself as a person and learn to believe in himself so that he wants to go to work for his self worth rather than being petrified it's going to be another place of judgement and rejection.