AIBU to be LIVID at my DSS mother

[Gooodmorningusa]

A long post. im livid and upset and I can’t sleep. I think I know how this is going to go but oh my god I need to vent.

my DSS mum, I feel is taking the absolute piss and I think she’s an audacious cow.

the back story is, we have DSS (8) EOW, I have been in his life since he was 2.5 and me and DH share a 2 year old boy. I work in a school office so I am fortunate enough to have most of the school holidays off (literally 12 weeks out of the 13!) so in the school holidays I step up and have DSS extra. So on the weekend he comes EOW, he comes on Friday morning, and we keep him till Tuesday evening and he goes home before bed time. I have always done this since he started in reception class and I do this for two reasons, so he has more time with us and also to help out his mum who is single and has to cut her hours during the school hols. In term time it returns to the normal EOW.

last week my 2yo DS was poorly with chicken pox and it floored him, early hours of Saturday morning he had a fever, had a funny turn, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and we couldn’t bring him round. It was horrible and he was rushed in an ambulance with me and DH stayed at home till MIL arrived to sit in the house with DSS as he was sleeping upstairs. DH came to hospital soon as he could. I was hysterical and have never seen my son so poorly and it frightened me, i thought he was gone when his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Anyways he was kept in hospital till Sunday night, we got home at 8pm. DH stayed with us most of the time while we waited for tests and DSS stayed with MIL (his grandma) then went back to his mums on Sunday evening. Just to add his cousins were there at grandmas too so not like he was the only child there.

anyways DH ex has booted off basically. Ringing up calling DH a selfish dad for staying at hospital all weekend and shipping DSS off to grandmas 🤯 so anyways DSS has come back this weekend as he was upset his missed his weekend last week. So I get a text earlier today off his mother ‘it makes sense for you to keep him till Tuesday as you needed to give it a miss this week’ ….. 😵‍💫so I reply saying no actually that wasnt the agreement, i have plans including an appointment of my own, wedding dress shopping with my SIL on Monday and I am going into work on Tuesday to do my admin. My mum will be looking after DS for these.
she then proceeds to call me selfish and tells me how I’m ‘palming my own son off’ and that ‘she knows I secretly hate her DS’ plus loads of other shit which I don’t think I deserve. In her opinion I should be making up for
the time I missed earlier this week. I reminded her my DS was very poorly and I also reminded her DH was in work on those two days so it’s always me who facilitates the extra contact.
my DH is fuming and has confronted her and she has repeated the same shit to him.
shes basically annoyed that she had To cancel her plans / work on Monday and Tuesday. But my DS was poorly and I didn’t sleep a wink all weekend with checking on him and being on a hospital ward. I admit that on Monday and Tuesday this week I didn’t think about DSS at all, I was shattered and I just let me DS sleep in my arms all day.

Would I be wrong if I told her to suck my big toe from now on?

What’s your point?! I have no comment on your child free choice.

1st wife is completely out of order but the husband is even more so. Ultimately, OP has put herself in this position.

She's talking about OP keeping the son till Tuesday THIS week, because "she (OP) needed to give it a miss this week (just gone)".

The step mum is saying they should keep him till Tuesday because they didn't keep him till Tuesday the week just gone, they sent him back early on the Sunday.

The OP is refusing because they aren't actually scheduled to have him THIS weekend at all, they've had him voluntarily over Saturday and Sunday because he didn't get to spend any time with them last weekend, the ex is saying they need to keep him till Tuesday, even though it isn't their official contact weekend.. basically to do to them what they did to her last weekend.

If I was the OP, I’d be asking myself how I’d feel about my DH - as the OP says - not thinking about his DS1 after DS2 left the hospital. If the boy didn’t have another parent, he’d have had to have stayed with the DH. The DH would then have had to have stayed off work to look after him, or sorted out an alternative, since the OP couldn’t. That’s what would have had to happen if the DS1 was the DH and OP’s joint child.

The issue here is the DH isn’t prioritising parenting his DS1, and may not doing so for his DS2 either.

Agreed. He’s a complete waste of space.

Then I guess the OP doesn't need to provide extra childcare during the school holidays when it's not her DH's days to have DSS. After all, it's not her problem.

Actually, he didn't though, did he? The OP has DSS for extra time on Mondays and Tuesdays during the school holidays in order to help the ex out. They're not the dad's usual contact days. The contact is supposed to be Friday to Sunday, so the Monday and Tuesday are actually the discretion of the OP. She couldn't do them this one time because HER SON HAD BEEN IN HOSPITAL!

But that IS the OP’s problem - well ultimately the DH’s - because the OP offered to do this 4 years ago,

These “extra days of childcare” form part of the DH’s parenting agreement with his ex in practice.

The OP can absolutely refuse to do them now, and I can see why she might want to do that. But the DH would imo have a legal duty (and definitely a moral one) to provide childcare or take holiday and parents child on those days. A court wouldn’t look kindly on him not doing that when both his ex and eldest child have relied on it for the past four summers.

They are the usual contact days in the school holidays though so the point you are trying to make is nonsense, that is what they have agreed to and seem happy to do... OP and her DH have him and share the childcare between them, if OP is incapacitated it is up to DH to sort out childcare for his son, not just dump him back on his ex without asking and force her to have to take time off work so he can go to work, this should all have been worked out amicably, but the onus is on OP and her DH to arrange childcare while the child is in their care, you can't just opt out and return to sender without arranging that.

It sounds like there is a lack of regard all round in this co-parenting relationship.

Actually they are his usual school holiday contact days. An arrangement that has been ongoing since he started reception. He is now 8. His usual term time contact days are irrelevant. His usual school holiday contact days which has been established and ongoing for 4 years Is what is relevant.
That’s not discretionary. That’s an established contact pattern. If the DH uses Op as his childcare, gets his parents or books a club that’s up to him. But it is very much an established holiday contact time that has run since he started school. Not quite sure what some posters don’t get.

Actually, he didn't though, did he? The OP has DSS for extra time on Mondays and Tuesdays during the school holidays in order to help the ex out.

It’s wasn’t just to “help the ex out” it was also to help the OP’s DH out otherwise he’d have had to pay more or do more. The ex was left with the main burden of losing income due to school holidays.

I love how these days are repeatedly being referred to by posters as favours and helping out when in fact it’s been a way for the DH to be responsible for his son 16 or so days (if that) more a year than he otherwise would be.

The mother lives an hour away. The DH can’t even be bothered it seems to drive over to see his child before bed one night every other week.

Well they have accused the OP of being a OW with no proof started by a poster who tried to rewrite history by saying the older kid was two and a half.

And to be clear, I’m not saying it isn’t very kind of the OP to have offered and done this. But it’s not a favour, it’s a routine obligation on the part of the DH’s household.

So a OW (and there is NO PROOF OP was one) is good enough to provide childcare but not good enough not to send abusive texts to
I will never understand why some people seem to be perfectly ok for their kids to be looked after by someone they hate or have no respect for.

This might not be the point of the thread but I could not be with a man who was content only having his child EOW.

I’m neurodiverse.

Some people will take an all or nothing view on particular issues because they’re projecting or trolling.

And intelligence is a bell curve regardless of neurodiversity.

Just been thinking, SSM couldn’t be working any Mondays or Tuesdays. Just check her wages, there is no extra payment for either day. Only way she could be working is if she is fiddling the system i.e. tax evasion which is a criminal offence.

It’s an agreement that’s been in place for 4 years. It’s not an adhoc arrangement “to help the mum out”.

During term time, the dad sees his child for a poxy 4 nights per month. 4 nights 😳

During the summer holidays that increases to 8 nights per month - compared to 23 nights for the mum. And a lot of the grunt work is borne by his new wife, the OP. What a hero….

So yes, it was his contact days. It’s arrangement that’s been in place for four years - and you think it’s perfectly fine to cancel it at the last minute? Leaving the mum having to cancel her work shift? Bearing in mind she will be having to cover ALL the child’s sickness during term time as the dad doesn’t bother with contact during the week (see? I can do shouty capitals too….)

I’ll say it again slowly. No one thinks OP should have stepped up. No one. What most people are saying is that the dad shouldn’t have just fucked off to work, dumping the kid back on the mum and expecting her to cancel her work shifts instead.

If he had to stay at home and help OP, or if their child was still in hospital then fine - but he swanned off to work. He should have been ringing in - Monday and Tuesday were regular days he had agreed to have his son. He really doesn’t give a shit about parenting his child - but then again why would he? He’s got two women sorting everything out for him - he just pops up and plays Disney dad when it’s convenient for him.

Really have no idea why you’re banging on about OP - nothing in my post suggested she was at fault, because she wasn’t. The dad is squarely to blame here.

Maybe I'm dim (and I know I'm harping on about this a bit), but why exactly couldn't the dad drop his kid off at holiday camp on the way to work?

Practically. very difficult to arrange last minute. Many places will be full. Usually you have to book some time in advance.

No I'm not neurodivergent actually but my step-son is and I find it absolutely awful that you used it in the context you did. It makes me so sad for him that he'll come across people like you and your attitude to neurodiversity.

Indeed.

There is nothing at all attractive about a man who ordinarily only sees his child 4 days a month. He clearly prioritises himself over his child's emotional wellbeing. That sort of selfishness doesn't bode well for a successful or healthy relationship.

It often results in people like the OP being taken advantage of. Many second wives/partners ultimately end up in the same position as the ex as leopards don't change their spots.

She has absolutely no right to have a go at YOU. Whatever the agreements, and no matter how long you’ve been facilitating their contact arrangements, you’re not the 3rd parent here and your priority at the moment is your poorly DS and not what you’re going to do about making sure your husband’s ex still gets to go to work. She should have a bit more empathy and understand that you are unavailable at the moment.

It’s up to DH to manage his contact arrangement.

I bet this dad has never once booked holiday club so he probably doesn't even know what to book.

And typically you can't just book on the day.

In any case, apparently this dad of the year didn't even think about his older son so it wouldn't have occurred to him

Life with children is never easy and can cause conflicts of interest between married parents and, in this case, the step-family. Her reaction was completely overboard and not particularly conducive to flexible arrangements going forward. Personally, I think she's taken this little opportunity to have a bold dig at the OP and her ex-DH.
I see the acolytes are along to have a good stab at the DH.