DP and I have been and lived together for 9 years. DP has a 12 year-old child. DP had this child with a slightly older woman who he was having a fling with in his late teens. Unplanned from DP’s perspective.
DP has not had, in my eyes, a full relationship with his child ever. He never lived with his child’s Mother before or after the birth, his child has never lived with him, he has never looked after his child for more than a few hours by himself, and until fairly recently he didn’t have regular contact with his child. He pays maintenance and other one-off payments for certain things such as school trips. One of the main reasons he has had a limited relationship with his child, I think, is due to his job which involves working away for extended periods and working unsocial hours.
DP’s parents are fully involved in his child’s life and always have been. His child stays with them once a week, regularly spends weekends with them, and goes on holidays with them and the other three grandchildren (DP’s sister’s children).
When I met DP, I knew that he had a child, but he never mentioned his child or had any contact apart from his child’s birthday and Christmas which his child spent with DP’s parents. Around 3 years ago, we moved back to our local area for work. Since then, DP has seen his child on average once per week at his parents’ house, as well as for the events mentioned above.
I have never really been involved in his child’s life. I have only met them a handful of times over the last 9 years. I spend Christmas with my family and so I am not there for his family meet-up.
Over the years, DP has made the odd comment such as ‘having a room in our house for DS’. When we have had arguments about other matters, he will make comments such as ‘well it would be easier if you were interested in DS’.
Given the above, I am very confused as to where I stand regarding a relationship with his child. In all honesty, I feel no connection or affection towards his child, since I have not been a part of their life. In my mind, DP has shown little interest towards his DS since we have been together, and whenever I ask him if he plans to have a closer relationship going forwards, he says ‘I don’t know’. I have explained that this is unfair on me, as I need to know where I stand in terms of having to potentially have his child in our home. If we were to TTC in the near future, I would be worried that the whole situation would be very messy.
I have asked family and friends for advice and have received very varied comments ranging from ‘leave him’ to ‘it’s up to you to make an effort with his child’ to DP’s parents suggesting I come to their house to spend time with his child. I suppose I should add that I’m not really a maternal person and I would find it difficult to spend one-on-one time with a child (I have a nephew).
Thanks for reading this rather long-winded post. Any advice welcome.