Playing at being mum

[Firstimepregnancy]

Hi I wonder if this is something anyone has dealt with or can offer advice about!

I have a 8 month old baby and 11 year old stepdaughter. Since getting pregnant my stepdaughter has been more interested in playing or being mummy to my child than being a sister. For example, before baby was born she said you can leave the baby with me and I’ll look after her or I’ll be able to tell her off because I’m in charge. She does this with most children under 4 (including neices, nephews etc) if she’s playing with them after will say no no I’ve been looking after them because their mum was busy!

She isnt interested in playing or talking to my daughter and at home ignores her for example she’s stayed for a week in school holidays and we’ve encouraged to come sit and build blocks or stack rings read books but she sits on sofa and ignores my daughter not even looking at her. Which again we’re not going to force if she doesn’t want to play that’s ok as the gap is so large. She doesn’t ask about my daughter in between visits when she’s texting or FaceTiming her dad.

However with other people around she’s trying to play her mum and it’s beginning to upset me. We met with family friends and their young babies and my friend asked me how teethings going before I could even open my mouth my sd is answering for me(not correctly) she doesn’t talk to the other children her own age at the friends gathering will just be next to me but ignoring me almost pretending she’s me it’s really strange. My husband has picked up on it too he also says he doesn’t think she’s interested in getting to know our daughter she just wants to play at being her mum.

She also doesn’t listen when we say ok enough our daughter doesn’t like that now for example she holds my daughters hand and after a while my daughter pulls away yet my sd holds on tighter not letting go till my daughter cries. I tell her to stop but she continues doing it or getting really in her face trying to kiss her on the mouth which we don’t want. We ask everyone to not kiss on the mouth! she has no personal space either and her grandparents ask her to move away if their playing with my daughter so that they can have some time with my child as she’ll get so in my daughters face that she cries and reaches for me.

im not being an evil step mum I’ve really tried to encourage a positive sister bond but I’m now getting to a stage where I don’t want to go to any social situation with her as I can’t talk to my friends as she’s answering for me even when I ignore her response and then answer myself she’ll almost shout over as if I’m not existing. I also am getting tired of having to be so on edge to make sure my daughter isn’t getting upset by her being too much. Myself and my husband have said countless times not in her face she’ll cry but she just doesn’t listen it’s almost as if I want to get in her face so I will.

my husbands now given up and said my daughter will just have to put up with it and when she cries I’ll have to soothe her. Which I think is unfair if my sd doesn’t like something we don’t continue doing it till she cries.

im at a loss of what to do other than not socialising with friends when she’s with us and seeing grandparents separately so they still see the kids but not the kids together which my husband has flatly refused to do.

her mum isn’t amicable there is no positive co parenting relationship and my sd will come back with things like my mum said I can do this and that with/for the baby. So speaking to coparent is off the cards.

any advice?!?

Yep, this did nail it.

i did also begin to think this so for the last 2 months or so on weekends she’s with us her dad will collect her alone and have hour/2 hours after school alone with her doing something. She gets a lot of alone time so other than me and my daughter moving out every other weekend not sure what to suggest to give them more time. They FaceTime that’s not with me or our daughter either and she stays longer in holidays which again is mainly the two of them doing things together to get that time!

on one day of the weekend also me and my daughter will go out for the day or step daughter and my husband will go out so that they have a whole day just them. My husband has said that on the days he’s spending with her just the two of them she’s not too enthusiastic about it he’s trying activity out whether that’s swimming or something else or he’ll suggest cooking or watching a film together or doing something she’d like to do and she says she’d rather go in her room on her iPad. Once we’re back she then comes to interact but not nec with him unless my little one goes to daddy for a cuddle or play. I thought perhaps this is just moving into teen moodiness?

The hurting my little one has eased slightly mainly as i won’t leave the room or my daughters side now, which can be tiring! in the presence of grandparents it starts again though so potentially a jealously thing?

She can be a little domineering with other children also eg my neices she’ll try and take them into other rooms or upstairs where mum and dad can’t see (my nieces are under 2) by calling their name to climb the stairs when she knows they can’t climb the stairs without an adult. She’s been told off a few times for shouting my two year old neice to go round a corner in play park where my sil can’t see them, she regularly has done this so now we avoid the park too!

still a work in progress and open to new things all the time!

>> My husband has said that on the days he’s spending with her just the two of them she’s not too enthusiastic about it he’s trying

Perhaps, rightly or wrongly, she’s given up trusting she matters to him, and is trying to protect herself? All he can really do is keep trying consistently … and … hopefully he doesn’t just interact with her actively when it’s the only two of them? It would be a mixed message if he clicked off and showed less interest in her once the other children and you are back in the group. When everyone is present, he needs to give everyone a little bit of spotlight time, as fairly as he can, to show everyone that everyone else matters. Even when — especially when — the other people show up. If he withdraws his interest as soon as the rest of his family walks in the door, thats a fragile situation for giving trust. It’s hard to give everyone in a group fair attention, but it’s what he’s gotta do. Just segregating interest time to one on one situations may not be the complete message needed. Jealousy usually lessens when a person doesn’t feel they are in a position to be pushed aside at will for a more important person.

I’m not saying this is happening, just that it’s something to think about.

That's a good update OP, encourage your husband to soldier on with 121 time even if he thinks she isn't reciprocating- she is learning the lesson that he is always there for her and in 4 years when she is in the full grip of puberty having that relationship with her will be so important to them both. You said in your OP that him and the mother don't get on... hopefully in time that will change for his daughter's sake. Glad to hear her behaviour has calmed a little around the baby, hopefully it will only get better as time goes by.... try and remember she is essentially an only child, she will probably be bossy her entire life! As per above, in a few years she will be a completely different person and I doubt she'll be interested in babies and toddlers. Try and enjoy it now before you get a whole host of new teenage problems to deal with. Good luck. 🤞🏽

An update on this as it’s really taken a downward spiral! My last post it had seemed to improve but then I found out I was pregnant shortly after my last post!
since I found out I was pregnant she really began to withdraw not speaking to my daughter and just sitting not looking at her or staring at walls/ceilings happened every visit. We’ve continued her spending time with her dad and at around February this year the coparent text my husband to say she feels she isn’t getting enough 1:1 time with my husband a few hours wasn’t enough and as she is his first born he needed to rectify that. By the end of my pregnancy our weekend was looking like Saturday and Sunday he’d spend 10-5 alone with his daughter as that’s what she wanted. Me and my daughter would be around in the morning but she’d refuse to come down and see us then we’d be there for lunch tea time and play before bed she was happy to sit with us and not speak to me or my daughter. By the time my son was born 5 months ago my daughter would speak to my sd saying hiya look I have x or y come play my daughter would repeat it 5 times but still no response. I did obviously try rectify this and bought it up many times with my husband he said I was overreacting that was my sd personality not chatty etc I did say there’s not chatty and rude ignoring. The last two months before my son was born she withdrew form family time altogether sitting on her phone in our conservatory with the door shut. We found out she was calling her mum the whole time out there we encouraged her to come in and started going to the park going to family bbqs together spending a bit more family time together to try and rectify that but she’s walk ahead with my husband and get to the park and say dad push me on the swing not my little one we encouraged talking but a lot of the time she’d sulk and walk off or walk with her dad completely ignoring me and my daughter.
Since my son was born has gone bad to worse she doesn’t look at my son or even acknowledge he’s here my father in law held him and said oh look at him and edged closer she turned her back pulled a repulsed face said ugh too close. He was obviously shocked. She’d be in the garden over The summer with us as we encouraged her to come spend time she’d throw the ball at her dad and refuse to throw to my daughter who was shouting her name saying throw me throw me. My husband finally said please don’t ignore her but she shrugged walked off to bedroom. The coparent every fortnight texts abuse were not including her my sd feel not allowed to be involved and seperate from sibling and she feels like they aren’t siblings.
we raised this with her as we said were hearing this which isn’t the case we’re trying hard to encourage you to get involved etc but you’re ignoring the toddler and going to call your mum in the conservatory and not even acknolwwdging my sons existence he smiled at her she turns away. My husband is finally noticing but just said it’s moodiness she flatly refuses to talk to me ahe walks into a room I say hellow how are you I might get a grunt.
t hi weekend we raised this and said what are you looking for in the relationship and she said I’d like more of a parenting role and Laura to not be around. She wants to bath my daughter but not son and take my daughter to the park alone. Which to me are massive red flags that you want me out of the picture. She also called her mum and said get me out of this house and away form these screaming kids (my hubby overheard this phone call a month ago didn’t say anything about it just said put up with it Laura) I’ve tried alone time with her to repair the relationship, which to me I have no idea where gone wrong other than having babies. We went to get our nails done together she came along but didn’t talk to me actively ignored me as I drove us there despite me chatting away and after said didn’t like that won’t do that again unless it’s with mum.

that evening we read her messages to her mum as we felt something was being left out and found nasty messages. Her mum had seen that my sd had posted a picture of my daughter on social media and told her to take it down before dad saw otherwise the weirdo stepmom will kick off she said. We don’t allow posting on social media we ask everyone does this I’ve never even posted on social media! My sd replied don’t understand why I can’t which we have repeated multiple times reason why we do not want our babies on social media and explained it’s not just her it’s everyone. Her mum then text saying your dad is trapped with her and my sd replied why can’t he just stand up to her feel so sad for him and what he had to go through. Her mum also said things to her like can’t stepmom just get on with it this was one week after c section with second baby in regards to putting toddler to bed I should have done that myself a week after section with a new born and toddler so he could spend even more time with his first born as she refers to her.

by the way this is so the opposite to what my husband feels he was cheated on by his ex wife my sd mum and was emotionally abused by her and had to have years of counselling over it before meeting me. He said to me I’m his life and marrying that woman was his biggest regret in life (obviously not his child)

it’s now obvious why she won’t speak to me that is going on at home so she of course isn’t going to want to come spend family time with me in tow but due to the history of ignoring my children hurting them and being nasty I cannot leave my kids alone with her. We feel she’s not getting what she wants complete unsupervised time with my children so is kicking off but I’m at my wits end. For a year now I’ve put up with it trying to include do family time and just overlooking the rudeness for my husband. When she comes now it’s a real dark cloud on what is a really happy home my toddler is so happy chatty and funny and when she comes to stay my daughter is being actively ignored. We have said we understand you might not want to play but at least acknowledge or reply. She is very jealous of the kids saying to everyone is the toddler cuter than me or am I the cutest. Her mum texts my husband as well saying she’s the priority she’s the first born she feels seperate from the kids so you need to basically have time without wife present.

im 4 months pp with a toddler a stay at home mum and Tbf the last month I’ve spent most of the weekend she comes crying once the kids are in bed. I feel trapped and also at the same time like im now trying to be pushed out of my own home my house is so negative when she stays her dad is frustrated as he can’t do anything right he’ll get some form of abuse from the ex once visit is over.

I’ve looked into air bnbs for me and the kids to stay in when she comes as well obviously this ain’t do able and I’ve even asked my parents if me and kids can stay with them. I feel it’s now at the point of no return I’ve tried so hard talked to her about periods even this weekend was a shoulder to cry on whilst she worried about starting a period found lovely ideas for them to do as a dad and daughter together rather than her sit calling her mum I get no thanks which I’m not expecting but instead I get she’s trapping dad she puts him through so much. Which also is odd me and hubby never row and always united having a cuddle on sofa holding hands laughing and dancing in kitchen together so it’s really far from the picture they’ve painted.

ive said to my husband enough is enough now i dont want overnight stays he can see the step daughter in the day during the weekend both sat and sun but it will not be in my home me and the kids will meet them for a supervised visit at a cafe for lunch so she gets some time with them even though she ignores them anyway. I feel now her visits are impacting our home my mental well being and it won’t be long before my kids are affected my daughter will start to ask why does she ignore me and you and baby bro and when my son is old enough he is going to feel like an outsider as she doesn’t even acknowledge him just looks with disgust. On top of that she posted online picture of my daughter saying love you yet doesn’t speak to her or know her she doesn’t contact her dad in between visits either her dad tries he’ll get one word answers he asks to FaceTime I’m busy she doesn’t ask about kids or want to FaceTime them either.

I just can’t continue to let her ignoring me and the kids go and making my home negative my husband actually agrees says that the overnights and being in our home is now affecting our family life in a negative way. Obviously the coparent is going to react badly to this. We’ve both said well sit on it and think it through and her grandparents my in laws are having her the next time she’s with us for some cooling off.

i mean my husband suggested we go to concilling with her but if I’m honest I don’t trust her in my home around my kids anymore especially after seeing the messages. It makes me nervous she wants to spend time with my kids without me next things she’ll be saying nasty tbings about me to them! I feel this has been building for 2 years now and even my husband said I don’t think we can change her opinion as her mum is feeding that negative opinion.

sorry for the long post I’m a emotionally exhausted second time new mummy and Tbf I don’t want to be in my own home I just can’t do it anymore and I’ve thought about would it be easier to leave my husband despite us being very much in love and happy 2 days out of 14 it’s really unhappy home which is now eating into the time she’s not here. I’m obviously aware this will affect his relationship with his daughter short term but I’m hoping it will improve the relationship for the family and in time maybe overnights can return if she can respect me and my children.

Any advice???

Your husband and his ex have created this situation.
I wouldn't want her near my children or in the house.
Your husband needs to see her outside your home.
His ex has fanned the flames of this.
I feel sorry for your step daughter, both parents are shit with no boundaries.
However, you and your children don't pay for it.

Your responsibility is for your mental health and your children.

I agree with PP. I wouldn’t have her in my home anymore, you need to prioritise your own mental health and your children’s as they will pick up on being ignored in their own home as they get older.

DH should take her out for the day on a Saturday or Sunday.

It’s a shame it’s come to that, but no she isn’t the priority. All of his children are his priority

I also agree with @Shoulderscuff , I feel very sorry for your DSD and resonate a bit with her.

You and your DC are in the crossfire of DH and mum not paying attention to their child who is insecure and probably has low self-esteem.

DSD sounds like she’s a very struggling unhappy child, I know the behaviour is truly awful and unacceptable but the parents should have got her help ages ago.
This is not your issue btw you shouldn’t have to suck it up or anything.

Going forward can DH have her at grandparents? I think your DC need to be away from her. But in all honesty, this is in no way to live for any of you.

It’s really helpful to have this response it makes me not feel so crazy!!

I also feel I need to protect my kids and keep them away from sd temporarily whilst dust settles. My daughters birthday is in a month so we let sd see my daughter for hour neutral space despite her not speaking to her during. That time? Or keep it to a FaceTime then perhaps it will get better in the future?

moving forward will obvs need to try and see her in a nuetral space but if I’m honest I’m so reluctant to do as this has gotten worse over the year not better.

the coparent is going to start ww3 and she’s previously posted private texts from my partner on instagram regarding access to stepdaughter and financial csa stuff, she posted how much he pays online saying he’s a part time dad she deserves more money she’s a very emotionally unstable woman.

Let her say and do what she wants, your children are your priority.

If SD is asking to see your DD for her birthday and wants to be nice and acknowledge her then I’d meet her outside somewhere. If she isn’t asking to though I wouldn’t bother as you’d only be setting your daughter upto be ignored again

Sounds like you have tried incredibly hard to blend your family but are up against someone very influential who encourages your step-daughter to resist blending into your family as an older sister.

You can't do anything other than what you have decided to do (your partner seeing his eldest outside your home and separate to you and the younger 2).

Best to let go for now. The scales may well eventually fall from her eyes as she gets older.

Face time when things settle perhaps, but do not involve her in your childrens birthdays and insist she stays away from thd family home.
I feel for her, but this is 100% for her parents to resolve.

Prioritise yourself, your 2 children and your husband OP. People will tell you otherwise and tell you that she is the priority as an unhappy child etc but it’s simply not true.

At the moment you have 5 unhappy people (I’m counting your baby boy as he’s being mistreated by your SD).
If you prioritise your dc, yourself and DH you will have 4 happy people and one unhappy one (your dsd).
if you continue trying to prioritise making your dsd happy and stress over it you will end up with ZERO happy people. Your current situation. She won’t be happy even if you all treat her like a princess, hence why her not expressing any happiness at spending 1:1 time with your DH in the past.
There is no scenario in which your dsd ends up happy because what she wants is to replace you (as you have her father’s love) or for you to disappear.
You husband can’t undo his new family, his daughter is too far gone in terms of mental health damage (unhinged mother doesn’t help).
You can still create a safe and loving home for the younger two and that needs to be your priority now.

Update

dh spoke to dsc and questioned about the messages between her mum she said she wants dad to be happy he’s not happy with me her step mum he reassured her said we really are very happy. Also don’t know where this comes from other than her mum but we laugh constantly don’t argue in front of kids or even when she’s here in case of listening ears we’re united and mess around hold hands etc. she didn’t apologise and just said I don’t know what to talk about to stepmum which seems odd as prior to babies she’d chat for England with me. She says she feels worried about interacting with kids incase does something to hurt them that’s why she ignores them.

she said she doesn’t get much out of overnights anymore and has spoken to her mum which her mum response was talk to dad and ask him to stop doing bedtime with the younger kids to spend more time with dsc.

we mentioned that dsc is clearly unhappy with overnights or being in our home she is quiet withdrawn and isolated herself despite our best efforts ignores me and the younger kids. We explained this has been seen by grandparents and are all worried for everyone involved.

the response was it’s your problem overnights continue take me to mediation you should be allowing her to parent the kids if that’s what she wants and me (stepmom) not be present in the home as much so she feels comfortable. Her argument is that removing overnights will make her more distant. She completely ignored us requesting to speak neutrally about us and just said everything is my husbands fault for remarrying. She also said that her plans over the next few months won’t be ruined by having her to have her overnight more.

obviously going to have to get some advice on this but really hitting a brick wall. Can’t quite believe as a mother you’d not acknowledge your child feeling distressed and fight the parent trying to fix the issues.

You need to protect your children.
Your husbad needs to see his child away from your home.
Do not bend on this issue.
Put your children first.
He needs to sort this out with his daughters family.
She is not yours to fix.
Focus on your children and keeping them safe.

Any update OP?

I agree with what PP said about stoping the overnights because you are never going to win with your stepdaughter, she is actively trying to split up your family due to her mother’s influence and her own feelings about being replaced by your other children.

I don’t understand her insistence about wanting to parent your children and I feel this is what she is pushing for and things aren’t going to change as she isn’t getting what she wants.
Have you actually asked her why she feels she needs to be in a parental role rather than being a big sister? Could you explain to her that being a big sister is an important role and she’ll be a big influence on her siblings if she tries with them? If this is about her wanting to be in control could you involve her in helping with some household jobs or childcare?
I wouldn’t suggest hands on help with your children and never leave them unsupervised but maybe she could help by running them a bath and sorting out pyjamas or helping prepare their meals or snacks?

Rather then splitting the family with separate 1-1 time with her and her dad could you involve her in the mundane jobs of family life like grocery shopping or cooking?
If you show her you are a strong family unit then it might help her feel more secure because at the moment it sounds like at she feels on the outside and doing activities with her dad separately might make her feel like an outsider or a guest who needs entertaining.
It doesn’t sound like she’s enthusiastic about 1-1 time with her dad and more like she wants to be involved in family life but doesn’t know how to be.
When she does spent time with you and her siblings it’s possible she feels guilty and like she’s betraying her mother if her mother is trying to turn her against you.

Could you invite her round for a meal and give her the responsibility of cooking for the whole family with her dad? They could choose a recipe together and he could supervise but let her do most of it and then you could heap praise on her.

Has anyone suggested any outside support like seeing a child psychologist? I saw one at a similar age and part of that was due to strong resentment for my sister.
She is my biological sister but I was quiet and shy and chubby and my sister was cute and funny and we were constantly compared and I was ignored and pushed aside.
My parents tried to make people aware of this and how hurtful it was but it did cause me to wish I was an only child and I started to hate my sister which caused big problems in the family.
When I started seeing a psychologist made a huge difference and could help but it is down to your husband to sort out and not you.
It sounds like someone needs to help her understand her own feelings rather than her acting on what her mum is telling her out of loyalty.

If your stepdaughter’s mother is concerned about losing her free time when you have your stepdaughter then I’d maybe use that as an incentive and properly explain there can be no overnight stays whilst she’s being encouraged to ignore you and her step siblings.
I think it’s unlikely you will get anywhere though as she obviously has a lot of resentment and bitterness towards you.

I think husband needs to explain to your step daughter that she has made it clear she doesn’t want to be there and part of your family so you are stopping her staying overnight for her own benefit. If you make it seem like she was in control in making that decision and phrase it so you are doing it to please her then it is possible in the future she might decide to try harder to integrate with you if she thinks it’s on her own terms.
If I was in your situation I’d be letting your husband know that you have considered leaving him over this or moving out of the family home, he needs a big push to make changes.

Has your stepdaughter made any more friends? What is her life like apart from family life? She sounds like a very confused and mixed up kid who doesn’t know where she belongs. What is she like at school?

If your husband and his ex wife can’t communicate properly over parenting then can a third party get involved to offer help and advice? Again this isn’t for you to organise but it might be worth suggesting if it improves your family life in the long run.
What is your step daughter’s home life like with her mother? If her mother seems unhappy then she might compare her mums life to yours and feel you are to blame as her dad moved on.
I’m not saying that’s right at all but I know it’s common for some kids to feel like this when parents separate and move on separately.

I hope things improve for you, it does sound so difficult and if I was in your shoes I’d be really struggling not to resent your stepdaughter and not want her around which is desperately sad but I imagine very natural when she’s causing you so much stress.
Things need improving before you reach the point where your relationship can never be repaired. The only one who has any chance in resolving things is your husband so I hope you can get through to him and make some big changes.

Hopefully as your stepdaughter gets older and more mature she can think independently and be more secure and might choose to have a better relationship with you and her siblings. I think this is unlikely though without a lot of work to improve the situation and get her some support.

Update!

so sd told her mum she no longer wanted to sleep at our house and would refuse to come so bm has stopped overnight stays.

my husband sees sd every other weekend Saturday and Sunday. We live a hour away so my husband picks up daughter at 9am returns her to her mum at 6pm then Sunday same thing finding things to do around that area luckily his family live close by to her so he uses there home as a base. she refuses to meet in the middle as it’s our fault we chose to live hour away.

Bm ignored the fact we said need to remain neutral about our home to try and rebuild our relationship and has instead upped it posting on instagram about toxic/nasty step mums very helpful!

we’ve met 2x in a cafe myself and children and husband and sd she didn’t speak despite my efforts and my toddler speaking to her.i bought colouring and play dough and games that would require sd to ply or at least acknowledge but she shrugged and looked away. Sd managed a smile but only when encouraged otherwise didn’t speak and that was to exchange birthday card for my toddler. My baby has recently been hospitalised which fell on her weekend with her dad she didn’t ask about him just said who’s more sick out of the 2 kids. BTW this hospitalisation my toddler had rsv, my son and myself. My son was v v poorly and she didn’t even ask how is he was the second day of my husband seeing her even though she knew he was in hospital with me.
shes stopped contacting my husband, he continues to text her daily to ask how her day is he’ll be lucky if he gets a one word response.
we definitely tried that approach we’d ask her to make dinner for the family with my husband but as soon as we came in she’d stare at wall and blank me and kids actively ignoring us.
Xmas is coming now and we’re planning on meeting just five of us for lunch on Boxing Day and seeing grandparents separately, th little ones before their naps whilst sd is still with her bm and sd with her dad I. The afternoon to give her that time wit her dad that she wants and also giving time with us to rebuild.
the last time my husband saw her he actually said it’s clear she doesn’t care about the kids or myself.
i think it isn’t going to improve too much Tbf as the mum is really hateful posting online about terrible step mums and bad dads and actually said to my husband you can explain to her why your such a bad dad in the future.
I agree I think some therapy is needed for my sd in the first instance ultimately it’s not her fault she’s obviously feeling some resentment to her mum and dad not being together despite them not being together since she was 2 and perhaps is jealous of his new wife and children and instead of bm encouraging blending and telling her those feelings are valid but get involved she’s saying step mum is the problem!
I can’t see it improving at all really any time soon!

Its completely natural. You're also naturally feeling a little off because you dont have the motherly bond with DD.

There is an 11 year gap between my eldest DD and youngest DS, and she loves playing with him briefly or babying him, but finds him irritating for longer amounts of time. However when other people are around she loves showing him off and acting like a mum to him (they are now 14 and 3, and she will talk to him in a baby voice and pick him up to show him off to friends, and try to get him to say cute things etc.)
She also likes to tell people achievements with him - such as "I'm taught him to say this" or "he likes me getting him to sleep best" - its often not true, but I would never say that as its building her bond with him.

Its a hard age gap as they are just coming out of the childhood stage of being cute and getting attention, while managing a new sibling who is at the cutest stage and getting the most attention.
Give her lots of compliments and remember any positive feeling between them is a positive thing for them both long term. Shes never going to replace you as mum, just hopefully have a strong big sister bond.

Seeing your updates - it sounds like shes doing the nautral teenage response of putting up emotional walls when she doesnt feel secure.
Carry on being positive and showing interest, it will pass in time and its nothing personal.

It’s sad for your SD as she is very clearly being influenced / manipulated by her mum and there is nothing anyone can do about that. It’s selfish and horrible behaviour and plays on the fact that kids naturally feel defensive of, and loyal to their mums. The playing at being mum etc is normal stuff for girls in my experience, it’s all the rest of it you need to worry about. My stepchildren used to say things that were so obviously word for word what they’d heard said to them, I just couldn’t be annoyed with them, and I still feel sad we don’t have the relationship that we could because of their mother’s influence. Like your SDs mum, she also has a habit of speaking to them in an age inappropriate way, treating them like a friend in many respects - like the conversation you describe about DP being trapped with you. How confusing and upsetting for your SD.

in my case, ex is now is feeling the long term
impact of her actions - she wanted SD2, older teen, to come and live with us for a period while they were having difficulties- but SD2 has been so alienated from our home, by her, it just wasn’t feasible.

what I would say is that these things, like all things, do pass. If your DH and you are a team, and if you can muddle a way through, things can change very significantly given a relatively small amount of time, especially at the age she is - an 11 year old and a 14 year old are very different.

it’s disappointing when you have good intentions and want to make things work but realistically blending is difficult and many of us just have to find a way through.