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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Moving in together

38 replies

hatelife · 11/08/2024 00:22

Really struggling with my step kids,
I have two boys and he has two girls. We are in the process of moving in together but finding somewhere big enough is hard within budget.
We all stay at his currently when he has his children but this room sizes are just too small and with my children being resident children they should have the bigger room but he wants to give this to his daughter which means we would have to move as the room wouldn’t fit their stuff.

Problem is the 9 year old girl acts hyper the entire time; she constantly wants and wants. Yesterday the day out just for her cost £120. Today was £40. This is every weekend. The eldest daughter threw a bit of a tantrum when out yesterday so messaged her mum to come and get her and drop her back to her dads so she could wait there for him. She has decided to move into her dads atm whilst deciding where she wants to live full time.
He is saying it’s unfair of me to say I don’t think we can all move in together if she lives there full time. He works long shifts so it would be upto me to do everything for her, plus he has changed. Whereas before we would argue and he would do his hardest to sort things now he just doesn’t.

We have a few days out to theatres and things booked with my kids, and a weekend away. Hes planning to go but she doesn’t want to do the stuff we are so now he’s on about pulling out and my kids are upset. I believe he should be telling her she’s coming, she’s not 18 she’s a child. But he allows both kids to decide if we eat, what we eat, if we go out, if we see certain people etc.

I am desperate to make it work just struggling with how to right now. Feel like I want to just show him am getting attention and offers from other men but I know it’s petty.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 11/08/2024 00:44

You want to move into his house and give your DC the bigger room? Can see why he doesn’t want that

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 11/08/2024 00:48

This absolutely isn't workable. You can't be moving in together when you're on such different pages.

If you mean your kids get the bigger room in the joint house you're moving in to that's probably ok but not if you mean in his house!

Honestly though I think this way madness lies.

StormingNorman · 11/08/2024 00:52

This isn’t going to work and you’re going to make his children very unhappy. In turn, they’ll act out and you’ll become a seething mass of self-pity and resentment.

MapleTreeValley · 11/08/2024 01:30

i think you should hold off on moving in together until things are a bit more stable between you. Can you move back out? You seem to have quite different ideas about parenting, it's only going to get worse. I'm not saying you need to split up but I don't think you should live together.

mytuppennyworth · 11/08/2024 01:34

This is a situation in which two separate households are REQUIRED. (not just preferable, but necessary)

Don't put his children through this misery. You are going to wreck everyone's lives.

Birdsnesthead · 11/08/2024 06:11

Just don’t. Don’t do it. You will be miserable, your kids will be miserable, his kids will be miserable.

JellyWellyBoots · 11/08/2024 06:13

CA......….. Reese

buttonsB4 · 11/08/2024 06:26

I don't know what reason you have for moving in together, as your OP reads like a description of why it would be awful for all of you if you did so.

From what you describe, your relationship isn't in a great place at the moment - so why would you live together?

You don't want to be primary carer for his DC (completely understandable) but due to his long work hours you would be if you moved in together- so why do it?

He's upsetting your DC by allowing his DC to dictate what he does/doesn't do (it's his choice about how he parents his own kids, but if it's negatively affecting yours why move in together?)

Have two separate abodes, date this man. Wait to see if the relationship improves/your parenting styles become more compatible before moving in, or don't move in at all.

Why do something that doesn't seem to have one positive reason for doing it?

Crowsandcorvids · 11/08/2024 06:28

I agree with the above posters. You can keep the relationship if you want, but don't move in together.
Your expectations around parenting are too different for this to work. You're already resentful of his daughter and it looks like there is an expectation for you to do a lot of practical care with no real say in parenting decisions.

Edingril · 11/08/2024 06:32

How is any of this fair on your children, and his?

EG94 · 11/08/2024 07:48

Aside from everything else screaming it’s a bad idea..

relationships require two people trying to make it work. If only one is, it’s never going to work or be fulfilling.

it sounds like getting the relationship on track will be hard work without adding in squabbling kids over bedrooms and days out

FedUpMumof10YO · 11/08/2024 08:06

Are you married ? If not, then they aren't stepkids

ThisBlueCrab · 11/08/2024 08:17

Honestly @hatelife you are not painting anything in a good light, not even yourself.

You seem intent on only focusing on your own kids, but if you are looking to move in together the 2 of you need to work together to consider all 4 kids.

Ultimately you are moving into the girls home and demanding one/both is displaced to accommodate your kids. Do you not see how selfish that comes across as?

One daughter is staking her claim by moving in, and you are showing your colours by having issue with it.

By not wanting to be a caregiver to her you are are not ready to blend your families.

If you are not seeing that your not making an effort to blend he had stopped making an effort.

Frankly neither of you is ready to blend and honestly you need to all do some growing up.

TeeBee · 11/08/2024 08:21

That sounds a perfect recipe for disaster. He's expecting you to look after his child, there's not enough space and he doesn't parent effectively. Just don't. Live apart, You can still have a relationship with him if you choose but why bother moving in together? It's not a necessity.

GKD · 11/08/2024 08:24

. Feel like I want to just show him am getting attention and offers from other men but I know it’s petty

This is nuts! Making him jealous isn’t going to help anything, why would you even consider it?

Put yourself and your children first and don’t move in, it will be a disaster.

Meadowfinch · 11/08/2024 08:29

TeeBee · 11/08/2024 08:21

That sounds a perfect recipe for disaster. He's expecting you to look after his child, there's not enough space and he doesn't parent effectively. Just don't. Live apart, You can still have a relationship with him if you choose but why bother moving in together? It's not a necessity.

This.

He wants you to move in so you can be free, on-call childcare.

It will make all of you unhappy. Don't do it. Just don't.

FinallyHere · 11/08/2024 08:34

mytuppennyworth · 11/08/2024 01:34

This is a situation in which two separate households are REQUIRED. (not just preferable, but necessary)

Don't put his children through this misery. You are going to wreck everyone's lives.

This. Sorry.

Sayingitstraight · 11/08/2024 08:34

Why have you moved in if the house isn't big enough for you all ?
This sounds like a shitshow and the adults are putting their own needs first. BTW, I was a step child, it was horrible.

User364837 · 11/08/2024 08:38

I think you need to put the brakes on

and yanbu to feel that you can’t be primary carer for another child when he’s working a lot.

WhatNoRaisins · 11/08/2024 08:39

Quoting Mrs Lovejoy "won't somebody please think of the children!"

ItsChangingAgain · 11/08/2024 08:42

Do not move in together

Globetrote · 11/08/2024 08:56

Why are you “desperate to make it work”? You are getting attention and offers from other men a lot too? Seriously do everyone involved a favour and walk away - get your own household and date him. You sound immature and probably only want to move in with him for financial reasons but don’t want the bother of his DC inconveniencing you.

AquaFurball · 11/08/2024 08:56

You're putting a man before your children and expecting him to put you before his.

You're annoyed he won't.

Good for him.

Feel sorry for your children.

Original poster
hatelife · 11/08/2024 08:57

We have been together a few years, up until recently the bigger room was a spare bedroom that his mum and brother would stay in etc if they visited. The rest of the time my kids would sleep in there.
My kids have seperate bedrooms at my house, and they would like to move in with him and would compromise and share again if they had too. Which would work with the bigger room.

He has asked me for the last year to move in and I haven't, always been a little wary. But the more I think about it and the more it could work if we managed to smooth some things.

I am prepared to blend and look after her don't get me wrong, but this would be 6 days a week he isn't home, he would drop her to the bus for school in the morning but he often works until 11 at night. I just feel she will resent me more as I will be doing the disciplining, the telling off, the making sure homework etc is done. We have a good relationship atm but feel it would become strained.

I am prepared to wait a little longer and try and resolve some things before we do, it's just how do I do this.

I completely understand he will not come with us for the weekend away and the theatre trip because she's refusing to, as he can't just leave her at home alone. It's gutting but his money lost not mine.
Yes we parent different but I was hoping we can compromise. I know he didn't have a great childhood so he is just trying his best, and is allowing them to think they can make decision in life to help them, but sometimes they do just need to be told as they are kids.

What he spends financially is upto him, I just get annoyed when he complains he has no money and he's struggling and things and then spends this every weekend.

His daughter hasn't decide if she will fully live here; her and her mum currently have had an argument as her mum will say no a lot to things so it may blow over but who knows.

OP posts:
Original poster
hatelife · 11/08/2024 08:58

@Globetrote
I make double what he does a month; so it's no financial gain, I do have my own house,

I mean it as in I have had offers for dates, and someone wanting a relationship but I say no because we are in a relationship

OP posts:
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