Feeling really upset and angry

[Qwert0]

Looking for support and a hand hold.. not people telling me that I should have known what I got myself into, or to LTB etc.

Just having a really bad day. DSD is 10 years old and lives with us full time. Mum sees her a few times a year. I have a toddler with another on the way.

DSD has just been travelling with her mum (my DH paid for her plane ticket and expenses, and DSD ended up spending half the trip with his extended family who happen to live in the country the ex wife was travelling to). They got back yesterday. No message re when DSD was going to be dropped off. The ex wife then contacted my DH to let him know DSD will be staying overnight and will be coming back home the next day (today). So this morning my DH gets a message from DSD asking him when he can pick her up (ex wife lives over an hour away).

Am I right to be annoyed at this? Before this trip she hadn't seen DSD for months. It's the summer holidays and tomorrow is a Sunday so mum isn't working. She could have either dropped DSD off herself. Or arranged to spend a few more days with her before dropping her off. She has her own car. But instead, she's getting my DH to travel over an hour on the his day off to collect my DSD.

My DH is also worried that she won't return DSD's passport. The exwife kept it from him for years before and we couldn't travel abroad with her. She also has never paid child maintenance or financially contributed to my DSD's upbringing in anyway.

I'm annoyed and angry at my DH who I feel is allowing her to continuing calling the shots. But also just sad that I've wasted a lovely weekend we could have spent together on this issue.

You’re upset as he’s to go and get his kid on the day he was supposed to get his kid?

In the grand scheme of things, it is slightly annoying but it's not something I could get this annoyed about. Pick your battles.

I don’t understand why would anyone say ltb or you knew what you were getting f info simply as he is doing a relatively short journey to get his kid?

I understand why you are annoyed. She seems very flaky.

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Your husband has to collect his daughter, and I don't blame him for not wanting to get into a row with his ex over how his daughter gets home. It's just not worth it for the few times the mum even sees her.

You could have joined him and spent the time together and planned something fun on the way home.

This is the thing- there are no set days. The arrangement is that she has my DSD during some of the holidays, but this never happens. She didn't have her at Easter or last Christmas, or on her birthday. The last time she saw her was months ago for less that an hour. We have no schedule or arrangement in place. It all depends on thr exwife.

Poor child, it must be so confusing and upsetting for her. On this issue no it’s not something I would pick a battle over but is this the last straw kind of thing, can you give some more context?

Let it go and pick your battles. I reckon after years of being a shit human you would be less surprised at her behaviour. She's not going to change now.

I think you guys are right. I'm just having a bad day. We were meant to take the baby out together this afternoon. Thank you all for your responses.

Is that what it is, it’s ruined your plans with your own kid?

Time to get a CAO?

I doubt she would stick to it though but at least it would specify that the ex does pick up and drop off?

You are allowed a bad day.
Remember the family unit you have created is DSD's constant. Having a flighty mother can't be easy. I think you are brilliant.

It's annoying when you're having to hang around waiting for another person, and/or not being able to make plans because someone won't communicate properly, so you are definitely not being unreasonable there.

Why, if you guys have the majority of care, do you not go to the CMS to ensure the mum contributes financially to her child's upbringing?

Thanks for your responses.

My DH is afraid of the repercussions of taking her to CMS given she's withheld (and most likely will do again, we'll find out today) DSD's passport from us for years. She also legally changed DSD's name when she was a toddler without my husband's consent and forging his signature to do so.

He already has CAO but she doesn't respect it. DSD is with us 100% of the time. Mum has her for a few hours at most every few months- in recent years never for overnight stays at her home. Very rarely (twice in DSD's lifetime), she's taken DSD abroad but my DH has footed the bill. She's is constant contact with DSD otherwise though- calling and messaging daily, so DSD does have a close relationship with her despite not seeing her a lot.

I've just had an argument with DH about her/our cancelled plans. 😔 ahh wish I was managing this better.

I think it's pretty obvious from the op thad this isn't the case. It's quite clearly the pattern of behaviour from a mostly absent paren
t. If it was an NRP dad being described in exactly the same way I am sure tire response would be different.

Op, would your DH consider doing through the CMS?

He needs to keep her passport and go through CMS. What an awful 'mother'.

Awww OP, it’s ok to be upset. There’s always going to be tricky times with this set up. Can you remind yourself that you’re doing a good job of parenting a bereft and confused little girl, and do something nice for yourself?

I totally get why you're annoyed.
But, looking at the bigger picture, if the ex brings her back, she will arrive at the doorstep without the passport and there's nothing you can do about it. At least if your DH does to collect her, he can ask her for it then and there and be as insistent as he can be about not leaving until he gets it??

I get why you're annoyed OP. What an awful mother. Poor DSD.

I think it’s probably a whole lot more than that

No sorry I would not get worked up over this. It's not like she's asking you to go pick up the girl.
Are you resentful that you have her full time? That's how it sounds. We had one of my stepsons full time and there were no set times he went to his mothers. In fact he rarely went over there. Our house was his home he was always welcome, even if it wasn't ideal (I had a toddler and baby and my husband was away a lot).

You know you can just get a specific issues order to get the passport back? He needs to stop pussyfooting around her and go to CMS.

I'm not resentful that we have her full time. I enjoy her company and like you, since DH works long hours, do most of the parenting. It's been an easy move becoming her SM and this is only because she's such a great kid. What I am resentful of it her mother calling the shots, and influencing her not always positively.

For example on the way to collect her before the holiday I got DSD ready and packed and we waited more than 12 hours at home for mum to pick her up.. her eta kept changing and she kept giving excuse after excuse. She also told DSD that she'd have to repack her packed suitcase in case she wasn't happy with the clothes I'd packed for DSD, which confused her a bit.

The mother sounds dreadful.

Your DH needs to step up and protect her more from emotional drama. Go to court and stop the mother controlling all of you from afar

I think maybe you’re right, you’re just having a bad day, as it does come across that you’re resentful and pissed off as you wanted to do stuff with your own kid,. I get you say it’s about the mum but as it’s a handful of times a year then it’s not really that much.