Feeling really upset and angry

[Qwert0]

Looking for support and a hand hold.. not people telling me that I should have known what I got myself into, or to LTB etc.

Just having a really bad day. DSD is 10 years old and lives with us full time. Mum sees her a few times a year. I have a toddler with another on the way.

DSD has just been travelling with her mum (my DH paid for her plane ticket and expenses, and DSD ended up spending half the trip with his extended family who happen to live in the country the ex wife was travelling to). They got back yesterday. No message re when DSD was going to be dropped off. The ex wife then contacted my DH to let him know DSD will be staying overnight and will be coming back home the next day (today). So this morning my DH gets a message from DSD asking him when he can pick her up (ex wife lives over an hour away).

Am I right to be annoyed at this? Before this trip she hadn't seen DSD for months. It's the summer holidays and tomorrow is a Sunday so mum isn't working. She could have either dropped DSD off herself. Or arranged to spend a few more days with her before dropping her off. She has her own car. But instead, she's getting my DH to travel over an hour on the his day off to collect my DSD.

My DH is also worried that she won't return DSD's passport. The exwife kept it from him for years before and we couldn't travel abroad with her. She also has never paid child maintenance or financially contributed to my DSD's upbringing in anyway.

I'm annoyed and angry at my DH who I feel is allowing her to continuing calling the shots. But also just sad that I've wasted a lovely weekend we could have spent together on this issue.

No she's not. I don't know where you're getting that from.

You're feelings are understandable and it's ok to be disappointed if she messes up your plans or let's DSD down or if your DH suddenly has to spend 2 hours driving to pick DSD up. My XH plays silly games and it's shit. Her mum does so little and you and DH are raising her and it's really not much to ask. But she is who she is, and no matter how reasonable the things you want are she's not going to change. You'd be better off expecting a messed up day or two for each expected handover and trying to let go of any expectation of her acting like a half decent mum. Maybe you could try and focus on it as you and her dad supporting her to have a fully relationship with her mum. As much as they talk and message it will still be having a big impact on DSD and if being messed around for a couple days is what's needed to facilitate it, then that's what you do. With the passport issue DH really needs to apply for a specific issue order in relation to that. The possible good thing about him picking up is at least a chance he can ask for it.

The School of Advanced Level Obtuse Answers, MNLandia.

@Qwert0

Have a HUG.

ignore the obtuse posters, they're not worth your attention.

there's so much involved here, but I think the main issue is that you're upset your DH is pandering to her & not finding his lack of back bone very attractive. A lot of men are very wet/scared when it comes to the ExWife and it's pathetic.

You & he are bringing up DSD, her mother isn't financially contributing. Why is he paying for their travel? If it means his DD gets to spend time with his family I can understand that & it's a hell of a lot cheaper & easier than you all going, or he could refuse & take DD himself.

some of it, it's just easier to roll your eyes & remind yourself she's batshit & has to try to try to 'one up' you when she can, because in real terms she has no part of raising DD (things like repacking her suitcase). She needs to make herself feel 'better' than you because she isn't actually raising her daughter.

DSD knows who is there for her ALL the time. she's young, she loves her Mum, but she loves you too & will grow up knowing you're the one that was there for her.

at times like this, I wouldn't have made plans for this weekend, so it was easier to be flexible, don't let her see that it's upset you or made you & DH argue. I'd have just put the toddler in the car this morning & all gone to collect her, then all gone to the toddler thing this afternoon. Or if you're uncomfortable in the car at the moment, stayed home!

I KNOW it's annoying, I know the ex wife is annoying & DH. But TRY to not let it spoil things at home xx

Sounds a difficult situation and some boundaries need to be put in place. Lot of game playing going on which surely cannot be healthy for your DSD. Totally get you are frustrated with the mother, not your DSD and having to change your plans to fit in with her.
Why is your DH paying for holidays abroad? Particularly when she's withholding DSDs passport? Surely you can just report the passport as lost and get a replacement one issued.

I think your feelings are understandable. It's sort of a 'last straw' thing. She's generally extremely unreliable and takes the piss massively, and having been funded by DH to take DSD on holiday she doesn't have the courtesy to make proper arrangements about dropping her home. Won't even make make the effort to drive her. These sorts of things would really annoy me, too. Especially as you'd have to see DH wait around all weekend not knowing what's going on.

I would suggest a calm talk to DH about financing his ex to spend time with their DD. It may just be enabling her shitty behaviour.

This.
I'd also be strongly suggesting he cancels the passport and sorts out a new one, which his ex will not be needing access to as he won't be financing any more trips.
I'd also be strongly suggesting he applies for child maintenance. He has rights and responsibilities as an RP.
This woman is behaving like a deadbeat, abusive Dad but thinks her vagina gets her special privileges (right to receive money, right to withhold passport etc)
Enough is enough. She shouldn't be allowed this level of control. She's barely even an NRP. She definitely shouldn't be pandered to like this.
Poor kid deserves so much better.

Me too! Well done Op.

Poor kid with parents arguing over what days who 'has' to have her.

What a bizarre take from what OP has said.

Thank you all so much for your responses, especially @PrawnAgain and @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness.

Hubby collected DSD on Saturday afternoon, and thankfully mum had given DSD the passport. We spent a lovely Sunday together.

Mum did return DSD with an additional suitcase (exactly the same size and not a particularly remarkable one), and placed DSD's dirty shoes and nothing else in the suitcase I gave her (which is my personal one I had leant DSD). There was one time when she came to collect DSD for a few hours but made DSD come back into the house to shower and change her outfit before taking her out. Another time I gave DSD some deodorant- I only use a natural, non-toxic one for myself and bought my DSD the same one- mum told her it was a rubbish deodorant and that she should stop using it.

I know these things are petty and I should rise above it all, but my DH never warned me about this potential dynamic (I'm not sure if he anticipated it), and I started off respecting her and open to maintain a relationship with her for the sake of my DSD. Now we just avoid each other completely and she just communicates her apparent resentment through these passive aggressive acts.

Sorry for the rant! And thank you again so so much for your responses. This has been really therapeutic.

It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure and this was just one more thing.

But you do have a DH problem. He needs to stand up to the ex, set boundaries and claim every single penny of CMS he can. I'd be all over the forged name change, the passport withholding. Why should he (and you) put up with this crap from an absent parent?

Oh, and why is he paying for ex's holiday with DSD?

The collecting is the least of your worries, just refuse to collect ds, his ex will have to return her.

Your dh needs to grow a backbone.

Go via the CMS, if she doesn't return the passport take her to court. He has more control than he thinks, he has. His ex's could threaten to take ds 50/50 but if this is what she wants she'd have done it, tell her that's fine, if that's what she wants she can go via the courts. Suitcases and clothes, send her with nothing next time and his ex can provide them.

Start to take back control.

To add to my post, she changed the name and forged his signature, why didn't he report her for fraud?