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Original poster

What would you do?

27 replies

Lottie13579 · 04/08/2024 10:07

This seems a supportive group, so here goes! Please be kind 🧡

Me and my partner moved in together 8 mths ago- together 4 years. I have 2 children and he also has 2 children. Mine live here full time his EOW and half school holidays. We both sold our houses to buy together. Really lovely relationship, we both have expressed how happy we are, best relationship we have been in etc. Both very excited for the future.
There were difficulties with his ex initially. She moved out of his home 2 years before we met. He took her to family court after 2 years of us being together and everything has been very quiet and settled on that front ever since. She has a new partner and child. Few minor problems when moving intogether which we sorted out together.

And here it is- 2 months ago I found out he was sleeping with the ex (mother of his children) on and off for the first 15-18 months of our relationship. I am obviously devastated. I went into this with my eyes wide open and still this has happened. I'm devastated for my children. I'm horrified I've put them in this situation again ( relationship break up). Its been pretty devastating for my partner too - lost 2st in weight, not sleeping etc ( I have very little sympathy though). He claims he was caught in toxic cycles/ couldn't breakaway/there was threats to stop his contact with kids etc. Strangely, she has the same personality disorder as my ex and I'm well aware of toxic cycles, difficulty of getting away, the mind games etc. I've been there. Difference is I got myself out of that situation, even though it was the hardest time of my life. I wasn't still sleeping with him when I had a partner.

What would you do? Stay? Go? He wants to do everything to save us- counselling, he's reading books, trying to access help through work etc. I'm just so angry. This isn't the type of relationship I wanted. I'm a very black and white person.

Any help really appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
EG94 · 04/08/2024 10:50

Maybe relationships would have been a better board to post on :) either way, huge huge huge betrayal. How did you find out? I’m assuming he didn’t come forward and tell you? Would have been nicer for him to have done so before you made such a huge financial commitment to one another!

trouble is, your trust is broken and the woman he decided would be an excellent idea to shag is in your lives for a long while yet. Selfish prick!

I don’t know how to advise you to work through as when I’ve been on the receiving end of adultry, I leave. There’s no coming back for me so I can only help you with the leave option xx

ActualChips · 04/08/2024 10:54

Threats to stop him seeing his kids (which would have been easily sorted by getting a court order) meant he was compelled to pork two women for almost 2yrs? He must think you're really stupid that you'd actually believe that.

Obviously discard him. Get STD tested.

Original poster
Lottie13579 · 04/08/2024 11:07

Thank you for your responses. I have thought these comments and many 1000s more! It's reassuring to hear them from you too. He absolutely disgusts me. I cant believe how life can change in such a short amount of time. I know I've got to get myself out this situation, it's just so difficult and I don't know where to start.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottie13579 · 04/08/2024 11:10

Yes, I did get checked for STD, all clear thank God!

OP posts:
Tellywellyjelly · 04/08/2024 11:12

So sorry to hear this OP.

My friend found out her husband was cheating on her and she was obviously devastated. However she didn't want to bail immediately and massively disrupt her DD's life so she booked counselling for them, on the understanding that he had to be completely open and honest and absolutely everything was on the table for discussion. He agreed to this.

Two years later they are happy. The counselling brought so many things to the surface and they talked it all through and he was very open and very contrite.

I don't know whether you might consider this as an option. I would completely understand if not. But if you both fully open up and talk in front of a neutral counsellor you may find it easier to ultimately make the right decision for you.

All the best OP.

lunar1 · 04/08/2024 11:12

This isn't a woman he can go zero contact with, so no matter if you think affairs can be forgiven, she would forever be in the background. You would never be free from her. On that basis there is no coming back from this.

ActualChips · 04/08/2024 11:13

Find a new home and get the house on the market.
Don't waste money that should be going to your kids on counselling just to keep an embarrassment of a boyfriend around.

MyveryownFlyingSaucer · 04/08/2024 11:16

The thing is, this is (for want of a better word) not a 'normal' betrayal.

He will have his ex in his life as a permanent fixture one way or another. So you can't just fix the relationship and start afresh. She will always be there in the background.

I think if he were honest he was hedging his bets in case your relationship didn't work out. So I wouldn't buy the emotional manipulative BS. It's even more sickening that he was spinning the 'best relationship ever' line whilst sleeping with her. Very calculating.

As hard as it is, I would walk away from what will be a toxic situation and just reestablish your own home and safe space for your children. No more emotional rollercoasters just a happy secure mum. They deserve that.

FloofPaws · 04/08/2024 11:18

Don't waste anymore time and money on this person - he's lied and cheated - it doesn't really well from here as trust is gone, she'll always be there and you'll always be thinking is he still sleeping with her

2sisters · 04/08/2024 11:20

I'd leave him. He was cheating on you for over a 1/3 of your relationship. He let you sell your house and buy one with him knowing that he had this massive secret. At every step he's deceived you, been disloyal and allowed you to further invest and commit to the relationship. He has purposely made it more complicated and difficult for you to leave him. You need to walk away.

Sunshineafterthehail · 04/08/2024 11:21

My now ex slept with his ex once. It destroyed me and our relationship looking back. I refused to admit defeat when I wish I had. Your relationship is fucked now op.
Ltb and hold your head high.

StormingNorman · 04/08/2024 11:22

Fucking blackmailed into having sex! I’m calling bullshit. Get rid of him as quickly as you can and find someone who will respect you and your kids.

I would say the same about any cheat, but this is worse because she will always be there and you’ll be put into situations where they are spending time together. You may even have to spend time with her knowing this.

Did the affair end when she met her partner or got pregnant?

MyveryownFlyingSaucer · 04/08/2024 11:22

He has purposely made it more complicated and difficult for you to leave him. You need to walk away

This is a really good point.

I think he's much more manipulative than you think he is.

Sorry this must be devastating for you, but looking on this objectively he's clearly been using you.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 04/08/2024 11:31

Yanbu to say no to doing this again. I’d actually say it’s very wise - especially as you have kids. You can’t make someone change. He should want to change for himself - not because of a relationship.

He wants to do everything to save us- counselling, he's reading books, trying to access help through work etc. He should have done all that when he left his ex but he won’t be the first person who can’t see that he is the problem.

If you stay then you’re stuck caring for him for the next few years as habits of a lifetime can’t change overnight. It’s ok to say no to years of pain that may never be fixed because having kids is emotionally tiring enough.

If you split up then can you see him working on himself or do you think he’ll go back to shagging his ex ? Bad habits are hard to break and is it possible that his “poor me “ routine is why he is able to repeat this pattern ? His ex may have felt sorry for him like you do.

WillLiveLife · 04/08/2024 12:29

Consider it a lucky escape. You found out relatively early and can move on and start your life again.

It is a huge betrayal. As PP have said it’s not like
she can be removed from his life permanently. Do not give this man another moment of your time. Do not let him play the emotional game to win you around. Go and never look back.

EG94 · 04/08/2024 12:37

I don’t mean this to upset you but to anger you, whilst you’ve been playing house thinking you have it all, all that she never did. She’s been laughing at you knowing you have no idea and you’re not as lucky as you think you are. Think of this whenever you think oh but I love him.

MyveryownFlyingSaucer · 04/08/2024 12:43

EG94 · 04/08/2024 12:37

I don’t mean this to upset you but to anger you, whilst you’ve been playing house thinking you have it all, all that she never did. She’s been laughing at you knowing you have no idea and you’re not as lucky as you think you are. Think of this whenever you think oh but I love him.

And sadly that will always be in the background going forward if you stay with him. It's a new level of humiliation every time you interact with her.

I think you'd be wise to save yourself years of heart break and emotional abuse.

GlassCaseOfEmotions · 04/08/2024 12:50

In the kindest way; your entire relationship has been a lie up to this point, not the fairytale you've believed.

Have more respect for yourself, because she doesn't have any for you and he never will. He was happy to go through family court when he wasn't getting his dick wet at her house, so why couldn't he have done that when she was allegedly emotionally blackmailing him? Surely that was the time to do it?!

She will always be in his life. Do you really want this pain resurfacing every time the kids mention her/ at handovers/ when he mentions her/ when you look at their kids/ family members mention her/ any time they have to have contact/ future celebrations etc?

I can tell you now; if this was my DP, his bags would have been packed and dropped off at her house and the house would be on the market before he could have finished his sentence.

You deserve more.

otravezempezamos · 04/08/2024 13:47

I would get out. No way would I want to send the message to my kids that it is ok to play around and get away with it.

And next time only date a man with kids if the ex wife is dead. No way would I want another woman’s influence in my relationship in any way, shape or form (and you have had the worst case scenario).

Goldcushions2 · 04/08/2024 20:40

God love you OP.
He is absolute scum that tied you up financially with a house.
Waste no money on him.
Do nothing for him.
The house has to be sold so you and your children can start over.
He had choices, he made the wrong one.

14Georgetown · 04/08/2024 20:58

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP. How did you find out, did he come clean or did you find out? Basically was he happy for it to never be found out?
I know this is devastating but will you be able to get past this? Think about the future she’ll always be there can you play nicey nice? Will you always be suspicious/paranoid/angry?

If you split I’m sure it will hurt and you’ll have to maybe sell the house and possibly love somewhere smaller, but you’ll be okay in time.

If you do decide to leave your DC’s will be okay, be as honest with them as you can if they are old enough to understand, it will show them that this is not acceptable in a relationship.

If you do decide to stay i think counselling is essential.

Either way the decision is yours alone, maybe ask him to leave for a while to give you some space to think without him being there.

I wish you all the best x

Original poster
Lottie13579 · 04/08/2024 21:11

I really appreciate all your responses today. I have told him today that I can't move past this. I'm devastated. He's devastated. But I know me and the kids will be fine in time. It has to be done. There's no way around this. Thank you again x

OP posts:
Sunshineafterthehail · 04/08/2024 21:20

You honestly have done the best thing for you and your dc op. When I threw exh out the knowing I never had to deal with his ex or dc again was euphoric!!

Clueless2024 · 04/08/2024 21:24

Sorry OP but I'd walk away. It's not salvageable & you don't want to put your kids in this situation. Bow out, gracefully. The ex is a wanker. The mother of his kids can have him... even though she's cheating... toxic all round

TryingToBeLogical · 05/08/2024 21:10

go.

He doesn’t deserve you. And I agree that this is a situation where the Ex will always be thinking about how she “won,” how she pushed you outside and created a secret with him. Be angry, yes and let that anger power your feet as you walk away as fast as you can. Some very sad people think this is how to win at life, to destroy and create secrets and steal other people’s partners, and actually consider “winning”. You can never trust him again, and the manipulative, skeezy Ex will always be in the picture.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes as they say. He played a stupid game and now he won a stupid prize, I presume he gets the Ex ack and will be under her thumb the rest of his life. You are getting freedom from two disgusting, dishonest people…this is a much better prize.

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