Step children

[Hecticschedule]

My dp has two children ds from a previous relationship his ex partner also had a ds before meeting. When having contact with his children his ex is expecting her ds to be invited along. I have a small house and dd of my own. No space and don’t feel like that’s my responsibility am I being unreasonable?

No she’s after a bit of free childcare. does your partner recognise his step child as a step child or does now they’re not together the only want his own children ?

I think it depends on how old her first born is and how long your partner was in his life and if he took on a paternal role and treated the three children the same within the marriage.

I personally wouldn't have a problem with having the other child tag along to contact. He is my child's sibling's sibling and I suppose if you're going to blend families then you need to be prepared for things like this.

The ex is being unreasonable to assume / expect her older DS will always be invited. However, if he wants to come and your DP was a father figure to him while they were together, it would be a nice thing to do.

If your DP is this child’s “acting father” then its a package deal.

How long are you with this guy?

It really depends on what role your DP had in this child's life and for how long and how they were/are. It's not an absolute that only children by blood count. You did say he has 2 children, in which case I'd expect 2 children to be coming for contact.

The ex is very unreasonable. It’s definitely not your responsibility.

Were the 3 kids were friends before the breakup ? Then ex isn’t unreasonable to see if they want to hang out but this should be an arrangement like with school friends with play dates being both ways - not dad being the only one who hosts. If she’s after dad hosting every time then it’s a cheeky way to score free childcare.

Dad wouldn’t be unreasonable to say no because his time with his sons is limited and he doesn’t want contact with his ex if that’s what he’s asking.

Sorry forgot to mention her ds has a father. Ds is a teenager dds are all similar in age 8 9 10. I don’t believe it’s ds I think it’s more the ex using it as leverage for contact with his children. We’ve been together 1year im beginning to feel like I can’t cope with it. We’ve had all the children over previously (Christmas time) family bbqs etc. Al dds sleep in my dds bedroom other then the sofa there is nowhere for him to stay . And if I’m honest I don’t want him sleeping on the sofa

Ok just say no to sleepovers. And say no to anything but occasional dinners.

What age is he? And how long was your partner in his life. You say teenager but 13 is different from 19. If he's 13 and your partners eldest daughter is 10 then he has been in his life since he was at least 2 and 3 months. So his age is important

What's also important is how your partner feels about it?

And I think a bigger issue is why you have decided that he moves in with you and your child despite you only having two bedrooms. It's very unfair on your daughter to now suddenly have to share her space with 2 other girls.

Another woman putting her needs before those of her own daughter.

My dd asks for them to sleep over generally they all get along. If dd didn’t want that I would say no to sleeping. I’m just looking for advice on how other people would play it

I think the age of the child and how long they were in your DHs life is relevent, and also most importantly does the child want to come??

If your DH was a father figure and in childs life for a long time then I think it would be unkind to not continue an element of contact if the child wants it.

If your partner wants to have his exs older non related DS over then he needs to find his own place to live.

Why are they all living with you?
This is all way too new for this much crap.

How many children has he got op?
The first post sounds like he has 1 DS that's his with his ex and 1 DS that is only his exs but wants to visit.
Then in your second post multiple DDs in addition to your DD?

her ds has a father. Ds is a teenager dds are all similar in age 8 9 10.

No except on occasion. Why?

1. The DS already has a father in his life and your partner mustn't displace his father.
2. A teen, even if they are 13, is a big age gap development wise from 10 year old.
3. It is expected that teens, if no SEN, should be allowed to choose their own contact schedule with their parents and have a say in the other adults in their life who they have contact with. Contact with these other adults should not be forced.

If your partner refuses to say no to this ex's DS coming regularly then you need to split up.

1. We know nothing about his relationship with his father or his relationship with ops boyfriend because despite being asked several times she won't tell us.

1. Why does it matter if there is a development gap between 13 and 10 - the children are siblings. Once my child turns 13 should I send him to live elsewhere...I'll need time to arrange somewhere suitable.

1. Exactly. So I'm if this boy wants to continue a relationship with a man who has been in his life since he was a baby/child then the adults in his life should be facilitating this.

I agree. I think this particular situation is maybe just a bit too complicated for Op to be able to cope with.

Sorry I haven’t put it clearly we’ve been together 3 living 1year. Her ds is 13 my dps view on it is he has a biological father and believes that ex wants all 3 dcs out of her hair at once. Messy split. I’ve told him he needs some sort of court order in place as ex is temperamental and on her terms she says if not having her ds then dds can’t come. Which then I feel pressured into it so he sees his dds. Before dp moved in he had sporadic contact with dds on her terms ( I wasn’t fully aware of what went on) Think it’s just all hitting me on how much I’ve taken on. Dp works full time so do I long hours my dd goes to her fathers alternate weekends

If its a child he has rsised he should be considered part of the family.
My DS was raised by his stepfather for 17 years. Then when we divorced he just walked away and blocked DS on everything. DS was devastated.
However if this is not the case, you are not a free babysitter.

Lehally she can't withhold contact because he won't have a child that isn't even his!! He needs to go to court for a proper contact order.

But you say the girls are all between 8-10 an you guys have been together 3 years so he was in her ds's life a long time. So maybe there is a compromise to be done over every 3rd visit or something.

My dd has an older brother nad sister from her dad's previous relationship. I am.not a fan of their mum for a variety of reasons, but even though their sad and I split over 7 years ago they are still my step kids. They appear at my door regularly, we have days out etc. They are 18 and 21 now but they are mine still. I get married soon and they will be there then.

My philosophy is I left their dad not them. And they are my dd's family so they are mine too. My dp accepts that we all come as a package and has been first rate with them all.

I think honestly the 3 of you need to grow up and act like adults.

Another bunch of kids in the middle of a shit show with the adults in their lives.

What on earth, one year, and you were already doing this at Christmas which was 7 months ago?