Follow on thread

[NellyElly1]

Follow on from the previous one to keep it going as suggested.

Thank you all so much for your support.

When you live with someone it's easy for the stronger personality to dominate and control the other one. I think if this man agreed to a relationship where they don't live together it would be because he believed that he could manipulate her into living together again.

OP I have first hand experience of this so my thoughts come from a place of understanding (although I in no way am comparing with so little info to go from).

Loving someone, and them loving you back, does not alone make the relationship right for you.

That said, loving someone and them loving you back is absolutely the right basis for working together to build a relationship that is right and works for both of you.

It is hard, very hard actually, to separate the "love" from the "does it work for us BOTH".

You've had some amazing advice, (and some pretty shitty opinions) on this and your previous thread. I think now is the time to take time from here, from him and with your pets, family and friends to let the intense emotions calm down and do some soul searching for what YOU want, right now and for your future.

You'll know what the right decision is for you when you feel a sense of calm when you think about it.

Come back in a couple of days and update us if you want to, and stay safe xx

Oh, and if your funds can stretch to it (which I'm sure they can now you aren't floating him and his kids) get some therapy to build your self-esteem and then go kick ass, you sound fantastic!

Rooting for you op.

Hope you decide to put yourself first, enjoy as much time as you want with your horses, and have your fur babies happy and where they belong.

I think you should ask Mumsnet to move this new thread into ' Relationships ' as it is no longer anything to do with stepchildren.

Haven’t read entire thread,although a fair bit of it. This may have been suggested before- have you considered doing “The Freedom programme “? Run by women’s aid. Helps with not repeating mistakes in relationships eg finding abusive men. You’ve described controlling behaviour from him and previous abusive relationships.
Good luck op. Wishing you strength and confidence to live a life which suits you. X

The very last thing the OP should do is marry a loser like this.

She would be handing over half her home as soon as she said I do!

Many is the poster that bitterly regretted doing that.

@NellyElly1
You have a life where you are free to do is you please with your non-working time, you're financially comfortable and own your own home presumably this is because you made good sensible choices in life.
This man has none of these advantages and since he is in a large amount of debt presumably has not made good sensible choices.
Men tend not to cope well with being bested by a woman. The only way he can cope with you having it so much better than him is by trying to appropriate your things for himself. That's why he felt able to move in on you and take everything for free, he had conquered you and all your possessions then belonged to him.

This is spot on .

Good luck OP . I hope you are able to talk candidly in real life to someone as you have here.

Also recommend the Freedom Program a friend used it 15 years ago and has gone from strength to strength since

Absolutely - if he’s moving back with his parents it will only be a matter of time before he’s got his (and his kids’) feet under the table again.

He should be looking to get a proper roof over their heads, parenting them appropriately on his own like most single dads have to do and then dating as a separate thing, whether with you OP or someone else. If he’s genuine about not roping you in to a step mother role you don’t want then he needs to start living as an independent adult because temporarily moving back to his parents’ house doesn’t say the right things.

I think taking a step back is a really good idea. Consult with people you are close to and focus on your therapy.

I honestly don’t think 1000s of responses demanding to know if you have ended it/blocked him/changed your locks is helpful. I’m sure you have had lots of supportive comments here that have helped and that’s great. But you have also told us (indirectly through your story) that you are struggling to create boundaries and have a tendency to please. It is possible this thread is creating further pressure to do things the way others want you to.

I am sure I’ll get lots of flack for this post as if I am condoning coercion within a relationship. That’s not the case at all. You have described lots of red flags (financial, controlling over your time, emotional responses). I absolutely think you need to address those for your own sake. But you have also pointed out this man isn’t aggressive and contributes lots of positives. You don’t sound certain about what you want at the minute and lots of people shouting at you on the internet most likely won’t help you figure it out.

Sit down with someone that knows you and your situation well, loves you and wants the best for you. Someone that will still be in your life when this thread is in an archive. Someone who will be around to help you pick up the pieces

This is your life. You don’t need to agree to do what your partner demands. And you don’t need to justify your choices on an internet forum either.

And in anticipation of the many angry responses suggesting I don’t understand abusive relationships, I do. I am also aware that just telling the person to do x,y,z right now is rarely successful or helpful

he is happy to move out for however long I need if it makes things work

Well of course he is because he (& his kids!) are on to such a good thing.

I have a feeling that if you tell him straight out that there is no way he is ever moving back in then he wouldn't be being so "reasonable".

I'm really glad you've managed to get him out to his mum and dads, I think some breathing space to really think about things is just what you need, hope you had the cats in with you last night! and I really hope you come to the realisation that no relationship should ever be this hard, the right partner will accept you for who you are, friends, family, hobbies, and love you for all of it.

The wrong partner will say they accept those things, but they then start to work on you to remove all those things from your life, and then blame you when you dare to question things.

It may help to write things down, write a list of all the things you've said here and the negative things that being in a relationship with him brings, then write a list of what positive things he brings to your life, and if you find yourself feeling guilty or wavering under pressure from him, then read it all back again whenever you need to.

I wouldn't relax until all of his belongings are out of the house.

Be well worth the cost to arrange and pay for it yourself.

Then change the locks and get a Ring camera.

I think this is the bit where he tells you that you've got it all wrong, you just don't understand, we can work this out. The carrot of marriage might be dangled too, if only you would (whatever). You can go back through your posts here to remind yourself of what did happen and what was really said, I expect he's backpedalling on "tramp" already. I predict "I can change" - well why hasn't he done that in the past when you've raised issues, it's been on you to do all the changing to suit what he wants.

You can do better than this, being single is better than this life he's building for you, the one that meets his needs but not yours. As soon as his stuff has left the house then he has no need to ever contact you again. I imagine he'll dally about that because it means he has an excuse to visit and persuade you to climb back into your cell.

Take it one day at a time, soon you'll have had a week of your new life and the next week will be easier still.

Yup-and then block him!

Yes you've earned a breather @NellyElly1
Come back to the thread as and if you need to.
Take care.

he only wants to work things out because he wants somewhere to live

Yes. Write this in big letters above your mirror, remind yourself of it every time he contacts you.

The freedom programme is very good advice, you need to learn how to prioritise yourself and spot red flags in men.

Take your breather @NellyElly1 , you've earned it!

But when he comes to get his stuff, make sure he comes alone, no kids. And I wouldn't have him come when you're gone. Have someone with you at your house to act as a buffer between you and him.

Just sending kind thoughts to you. It must be very hard at the moment. You have hard work backing a young horse. Is the yard friendly? I love it when my cat sits on my knee, feels like unconditional love. Enjoy. Treat yourself with whatever you love to do.

Well done OP for getting to this point. It sounds so hard as he knows how to lay on a guilt trip and seems to know that you're susceptible to feeling guilty (I get it, I also feel guilty a lot!). Stay strong and make sure you get the time and space you need and shut down any guilt trips. You've done so much for this man and his DC.

I'd also say that I think if a man is controlling, it's unlikely to go away. He may temporarily reduce it in order to make you think it has but it's going to focus in on a different area in time because the reason he is controlling is he feels entitled to control you. Unless he manages to change his core values around his own entitlement (very hard and why would he bother?), his tendencies will leach out somewhere.

Also, most controlling men won't be controlling in all areas - some women think "oh, he's not that bad, he's fine with me going out with my friends... surely if he was truly controlling he'd have an issue with that" but that isn't the case. In your case, you think of all the times he's supportive of you with the horses and helping you despite his fear. And that makes you think you're being overly harsh and should be more grateful but you're really not.

If someone said they had made you a delicious cocktail but that it had the tiniest bit of dog shit in it - say 0.1%, you wouldn't drink it. Absolutely not. Relationships have to be like that with certain behaviours like control and abuse. Even 0.1% contaminates the whole thing and makes it not fit for purpose.

Reading Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" might help make sense of things a bit.

Your poor cats, give them an extra snuggle. It's really a big red flag, not that he doesn't like cats which is his prerogative but that he is trying to control how your cats live in your home that you pay for!

This.

I know it won't be easy, but I hope you're cuddled up with your cats now.

How are you doing OP? I hope you’re ok? Sending lots of good wishes, whatever you decided.

@NellyElly1 I hope you are ok. I know you needed a breather, totally get that. Just hoping nothing terrible has happened.

>> for however long I need if it makes things work.

Ooh this is a clever one OP. See how he has unilaterally reframed his moving out as an agreement you’ve made. He’s moved out, so generously “for however long you need” (he’s being so accommodating!) because of this bargain you and he made, (you didn’t, did you?) that it was what you needed to make things work.

NO! Please be ready to say, “I did not ask you to move out because that would make things work. It was not a conditional request. I asked you to move out because I no longer believe living with you is the life I want.”

Don’t let him get away with reframing the situation as he has done. Call him out on it. This is important. Manipulative people never expect to be called out. (I know, I am related to several). If you don’t, he’ll pretend that it “seemed that way to him” (he was moving out on the condition that you kept trying blablabla) and he’ll imply that you’re at fault for his misconception, that you were a liar, you went back on your word etc.

Stay strong. I read all 40 pages of the other thread and am cheering for you. My dad was pretty useless and selfish too, so I understand how it is, when you just don’t have a decent model of how men should treat you. It can be very very hard to create those boundaries from scratch BUT YOU ARE DOING IT! Kudos to you OP!

Hope you're okay @NellyElly1
You've been very brave.