14 year old Son cut off stepfather

[jimmy19]

My 14 year old will not have anything to do with his stepfather. They used to get on well but after ww got married he refuses to have anything to do with him. We live in a big house and my son manages to avoid him and when he does bump into him he looks the other way My husband puts up with the situation but it is upsetting for him Ww live parallel lives and strangely it works this way but I don't want it to be like this forever. Nothing I do seems to make any difference. Any suggestions welcome.

why did you put your son in a situation where he is uncomfortable in his own home?

What on Earth happened?

Has he said why?

How long has stepdaughter been in his life? Was there really no issue before you got married?

There must be a reason he wouldn't just suddenly start ignoring him

He said he doesn't want a substitute father figure.

Is bio dad in the picture? Is he putting thoughts/ideas into son's head perhaps?

They got on really well but he was thrown when we announced we were getting married after 2 1/2 years and refused to come to our wedding. Strangely he does speak fondly of my husband and asks me most days what he's been doing he just won't see him.

If they used to get on well there will be more to this and you need to find out what… My step parent was very good at being kind to us in front of my parent.

He has said that he is trying to help but won't tackle issues with him for fear of upsetting their relationship.

Where was he when you got married? Tbh though that ship has sailed, I’d have pressed pause on the wedding once I knew how unhappy he was as you’d been together 2 years.

You knew he was unhappy enough that he refused to attend your wedding, and you still went ahead?

Massive mistakes have been made here. You should have resolved the situation before marriage. All you've done is let your son know that your husband is more important than he is.

I stopped speaking to my step parent due to abuse that my mother refused to see or acknowledge. Are you absolutely sure that nothing has gone on, and your son is too afraid to say because he knows you would side with your husband?

My suggestion would be to prioritise your child, who has no say in where he lives or who with, and is clearly very unhappy. Family counselling might be a good start.

Something must have happened for him to feel like this? Is his dad putting ideas into
His head about the SD? Has there been a falling out? One of them must have told you why?

That ship has sailed, surely?

Is your son's dad involved in his life?

Yes he sees him quite regularly and they chat all the time

My feeling is his dad makes him feel guilty unintentionally or intentionally. He is a very happy boy and we have a great relationship he just won't have anything to do with his step dad.

When you were dating your now husband, your son tolerated this because it wasn't 'permanent'. He has realised that by you marrying your husband, he's now permanently in his life. I don't know how long you and your son's biological Dad have been separated/divorced? It's not uncommon for children, even at 14, to hope their parents will get back together. You now marrying another man, takes away that hope. He may actually like your husband, but feels guilty that he does, and feels he should be loyal to his biological Dad. Does his Dad have a partner? Or has he remarried? I'm going to guess probably not, and your son feels his Dad needs him, because you have your husband. In all honesty you should have tried to resolve this before you married your husband. It may look to your son, that you've put your husband before him. I suggest may be looking at some family therapy? Your son and yourself and may be on some sessions include your husband. The longer this is left, the longer it festers and eventuality resentment sets in.

Why did you get married if your son wasn't comfortable/ready?

There's not a lot to do unless you're willing to separate. Otherwise you and your husband need to respect your son's boundaries

So but I disagree with all that said you should off put your wedding on hold, he's 14 he does not get to dictate what steps you take in life, your the adult here, just let him do what he's doing for now and hopefully he will come around, he's not a child he knows what he's doing.

How is he not a child?

What is he then?

I do think it was unwise to marry him if your son was unhappy, but the important thing now is to get to the bottom of what has happened. There has to be more to it.

I wouldn’t have got married if he was unhappy as would want to know the cause first.

I wouldn’t press the matter and would give him some space, but you need to let him know he is your priority … he may be feeling ostracised if you proceeded with the wedding without him.

Wow so if an adult you love and trust brought another adult along and said this person now lives with us. get on with it how would you feel?

Just because he's a child doesn't mean he doesn't have thoughts and feelings and doesn't deserve any respect.

She could have waited until he was an adult.