14 year old Son cut off stepfather

[jimmy19]

My 14 year old will not have anything to do with his stepfather. They used to get on well but after ww got married he refuses to have anything to do with him. We live in a big house and my son manages to avoid him and when he does bump into him he looks the other way My husband puts up with the situation but it is upsetting for him Ww live parallel lives and strangely it works this way but I don't want it to be like this forever. Nothing I do seems to make any difference. Any suggestions welcome.

Why did you marry when you knew your ds was unhappy with the idea?

Now your ds has found a way to tolerate a strange man in his home, and you need to respect that. He's 14, he'll probably spend more time with his mates as he gets older.

Would he like to live with his dad?

You should never have married when your child was feeling like this. Never.

Secondly, stop referring to your DH as a step dad. He’s your husband but your DS should not be hearing step dad if he’s uncomfortable. You can refer to him by his first name.

You need to listen to your son. He comes first.

I’m limited experience 14 is when boys and their dads start to clash- the DS getting older seeing DF as a man not just a Dad . Criticising or sometimes mocking of the DF.
DS has a different situation as his DF is not in the home. So possibly feels obliged to support his DF - rejecting DSF.
i would guess over time this will stop.

Sorry OP, the message you sent to your son by continuing to marry when he was unhappy is horrendous.
What was the rush to marry?
This is a you mess.
Stop referring to him as a step dad, it's pouring oil on the situation.
Definitely only refer to him as your husband and his name.
I think you should definitely suggest therapy for you two.

He clearly wasn't ready for you to marry and has taken it very hard.
You foisted a formal relationship on him he really didn't want, you need to own that and IMO I would be apologising to him for your mistake.
Hard to believe you would motor on with a wedding that your child refused to attend...what a message.

I think you need to acknowledge that you shouldn't have done it, you thought it would be OK, you realise that it hasn't resolved itself and how can you move forward?
Be respectful of him and his view.
You can of course say that you are not divorcing.
Good luck.

The OP is the adult here but the 14yo is not a child. Do you realise you're making absolutely no sense?

He didn't get to dictate what his mother did re: marriage but he doesn't have to be happy about it. He's not, and he's showing it, and that's his prerogative. OP has shown where her priorities are and no doubt this boy will vote with his feet when he gets the chance.

And you went ahead with the wedding, knowing how unhappy your teenager was? To the point he didn't even attend your wedding???

Why could you not have waited to marry this man and move him in until your son was gone from the home? Why did you willingly put him in a situation where he is so uncomfortable in his own home?

If he disliked your husband before this, I'm sure he certainly can't stand him now that you've shown your love for this man is more important than your concern for your son's comfort and happiness and his own home.

@jimmy19 and I'd advise you to stop calling your husband his stepfather... your son has clearly told you he does not want that kind of association or relationship with him so I don't know why you'd continue to use that term.

At the risk of being contentious…He’s not happy you got married and he’s not happy having this man in his home.

You have already chosen your husband over your son once (going ahead with the wedding) so don’t expect total honesty now. He’s learnt that he needs to play nice with his stepfather to keep you on side.

The adultification of step children. They are assumed to have all the emotional maturity of an adult and behave with decorum at all times.

Because adults make the rules and not kids?

Because adults make the rules and not kids?

Good parents don't do that to their children though.

So parents should live at the whim of 14 year olds?

Parents shouldn’t force children to live with people they don’t want to.

Why is everyone jumping on and attacking her with senseless advice about what she 'should" have done - pointless, blaming and unnecessarily cruel without knowing the facts. I agree with you OP and think his father has said something or made him feel guilty for some unknown reason. All you can do is be there for him, not refer to your husband as step father and lead by example, never criticizing his father etc. Children see the wood from the trees eventually - I had a SM and SF, and am also a step parent myself. Good luck x

Yes, I would just leave this one for a bit.

Have you asked your DS why he wants to know what your husband is doing and how he is? How much of that information is going back to dad?

I think there is a basic courtesy thing in so far as if your DS wants to know someone’s business, he should at least be prepared to say hello in the morning to that person. He doesn’t have to play happy families and he has made his feelings clear about the marriage, but then it’s not really his business what your husband is up to then.

I would just focus on being the best parent you can in supporting your DS with his life and so on and be clear that is what you are doing.

There are times in life when children just have to do as they're told. They don't get an equal vote on everything.

Would you want someone you didn’t like living in your house?

It’s a little different from being told to eat your vegetable or what time to go to bed.

Seriously, consider how you’d feel having someone in your house who you don’t want there. You are supposed to feel safe and relaxed at home and this poor kid spends all his time actively trying to avoid someone.

He is living with his mother and her new husband.
He has zero choice in the matter.

He can not be forced to speak, so has chosen mutism as his method protest.

OP will have to suck it up just as her son has to.
30 months was a short time to marry when children are involved and have stated they do not want a new father figure.

whats done is done, not point calling out the OP and her DH now.. the thing is what to do now?

as many have already said, it might be best to stop forcing the title Step Dad onto your son, allow him the respect to call DH by his name.

you have most certainly made it clear who was more important, and it wasn't your son, but what to do now i have no idea.

maybe you and DH need to make sure that the son knows that DH is not there to replace his dad, and that even just 'friends' could be enough.

my own DD's refused to call their Step-mum anything but her name, EXDH and SM were more than happy with that, my DD's never ever call my DH stepdad, he will never be their dad, and they call him by his name and accept he is my husband.

perhaps the OP needs to spend time with their son without DH present, maybe even consider some for of counselling for both of you. You might be able to turn this around, but 14 is a tricky age!

My son doesn’t like my husband. It’s hard for me to admit that but it’s true 🤷‍♀️ I wasn’t going to stay single for ever though as he’ll leave home one day (he’s now 21)

You didn’t have to stay single, not every relationship requires you to Marry and Live together especially when children are involved.