Not sure if I'm being irrational...

[Finallyfreenearly]

After the breakdown of my marriage (long and awful), I have had counselling and worked hard on finding happiness and fulfilment - and being the best mum I can be to my three children. I've also met an amazing man. We took things very slowly and have now met each others' children. Everyone gets on but there's no plan to blend families as we have our own lives in separate parts of the country.

However...I was so miserable for so long, with such a negative effect on my life, that I'm unwilling for anything to threaten what I've found now. There's a lot going on outside of the relationship. Just life stuff but it requires a lot of brain space. I'm not sure if my frustration is because I don't have the energy to deal with it or because it's not going to fit in with my life.

In a nutshell, his ex is very selfish and tricky to deal with. She is very scatter-brained so will change or cancel plans at the last minute - plans that include her children or affect our plans. It's a regular occurrence. It seems this has been accepted as part of who she is by those around her. He doesn't like upsetting her so goes along with everything, doing all the ferrying around and picking up of pieces. Sorting alternative childcare etc. She also wants them all to keep going on holiday, saying it's for the children.

It all seems quite petty reading it back but it's got to the point where I'm just waiting, getting increasingly frustrated, for the next thing to happen. I suppose I'm curious about whether you think I'm overreacting because I'm hypersensitive to finding myself in a similar situation as the last 25 years. It started off well but small compromises became major over time. I've said all of this to him. He's amazing but I'm not convinced anything will change. I have also told him it's not my place to tell him how to live his life or deal with his ex. It will just get to the point where I don't want to be involved any more. But it all feels a bit mean - he's trying to keep everyone happy. Hmmm....

No, you aren't being irrational. Your needs are not being met.

But unfortunately for you, he is allowed to organize his life as he sees fit. If he believes that his children are best served by dancing attendance on his exW and neglecting his relationship with you, that's his prerogative. It's not for you to dictate how he runs his life.

Personally, I'd end the relationship. You've been through too much and come too far to sit around and wait until he has time for you or to live a life that's at the mercy of a third party. Life's too short for that.

Your relationship is new.

You don't live together.

You live in different parts of the country.

You have your own kids to deal with.

Respectfully, how he deals with his DCs and his XW is none of your business and you shouldn't even be giving it headspace.

Of course, if it bothers you, then end the relationship and find a man who can devote his energy and attention solely to you.

Why on earth are you parsing their relationship instead of focusing on your own kids? Why jump right into a new entanglement that already seems to be causing you issues?

Concentrate on your children and not her, yes you are being unreasonable I can't think of softly softly way to say it, it's the truth

His ex shouldn't be impacting on your relationship!!

It does feel wonderful when you come out of a crap relationship and take on being a single parent to meet someone who is loving and kind.

But the reality is you will always be third on the list after his children and ex. It's impacting now while you are still in a fairly casual relationship. It would impact far more if you were living together or chose to have a child . If he wanted to change this set up he would be doing now while he's blissfully happy. And he isn't.

It's also not just about you it impacts on your kids.

I'd say this relationship isn't right for your family.

You're not being irrational at all. You need to be a priority (and yes, men CAN make their partners a priority whilst still being good dads). As for the holidays as a family, that would be a HUGE no from me. It's not normal, and it's not best for the kids.

Don't be with someone who's going to prioritise his ex over you. He's more concerned with keeping her happy than making you happy. Why would you stay in a relationship like that?

And please don't buy this "it's for the children". That's bullshit. Most split families don't holiday together. It's actually confusing for the kids.

I also don't buy this "she's scatter brained". I doubt that's the case. She just knows she can change things up last minute as and when she wants because he'll drop everything to keep her sweet. It sounds like he has no boundaries and is still very entwined with his ex. I honestly wouldn't go there. He's not in a position for a new relationship.

Unless he agrees to have some boundaries and stop pandering to her every whim, and actually demonstrates this, I'd cut him loose.

You've obviously had a hard time with men previously and he may seem like your knight in shining armour compared to your ex but he's not. He may well be "nice" but at the moment he's not able to give you what you need and deserve. Don't settle for less than you deserve. You'll only grow to resent him.

Thanks all.

Pretty unanimous then. It’s actually a relief hearing all of that.

That’s exactly it - I don’t want to change him or how he feels is easiest/ best but I can change my reaction to it. And to be honest, I am already starting to resent him. Which feels awful. Like kicking a puppy.

It’s been a while since I split with the ex and I didn’t introduce him to the kids until I was sure of my feelings. This didn’t seem like such an issue until fairly recently - probably because as your said; he was my knight in shining armour: lovely to be around and a genuinely kind person. The opposite of my ex.

I really appreciate the thoughts - we have a couple of things booked for the holidays that I can’t get out of but will keep you posted if that’s okay?

@AcrossthePond55 I recognise your name from years ago!

Just a quick one to add - I don’t care how he deals with his ex. But when it impacts plans that we have, with or without the kids, then it bothers me.

Well it's always going to impact though really, if he drops everything for her. You'll be the one who suffers if you have plans together.

@Finallyfreenearly

Hope you remember me in a good way lol.

Just a quick one to add - I don’t care how he deals with his ex. But when it impacts plans that we have, with or without the kids, then it bothers me.

And there it is in a nutshell. If it bothers you, then it bothers you. We are raised to 'be nice' and 'put others first' (in other words "Be a lady, dear") but unless we're blessed with a life partner who puts US first too, then we do end up resentful and unhappy. And so we should! Because consideration and unselfishness must be a two way street in order to have a balanced relationship.

Yes, please update if you feel like it. It's always good to know how someone's doing.

This relationship isn’t giving you what you need and he is still relatively enmeshed with his ex wife. I don’t see him changing. So many step parent wait it out hoping it will get better but I don’t think that’s the case. Mostly the resentment just grows and in the end you’ll be the one suffering.

Agree with all the other comments saying throw this one back. Taking on the baggage of a controlling ex who he allows to impact plans and dictate on holidays? Deeply unappealing.

As they say, he is showing you who he is, and that is someone who is happy to be a doormat to another woman.

Congratulations on creating a peaceful life for yourself and your children.
Of course you want to protect that at ALL cost.

Actions not words are what count here.
His actions and that of his Ex are impacting you, your children, your peace.

His words mean nothing.
You and your children come last and always will.
His priority is his first family.

He is a source of stress by virtue of his first family being this priority, and him making it plain by his actions that he doesn't value you, your time or arrangements he has earlier made with you.

He is choosing what is best for him, .....which is humouring his ex and children.

You need to choose what is best for you and your children.

Your frustration will only grow, increasing your stress levels, which will sour your life.

You were so brave before, don't take a step backwards, be brave again.

Throw him back, you deserve better.

Thank you again and yes, all positive @AcrossthePond55 !

We had a long chat last night, I told him exactly how I’m feeling about things and put it very bluntly. The bottom line is that I’m never going to be as much of a priority to him as his ex. I don’t think he’d thought about it in such simple terms. He said he feels sorry for her and, unlike my feelings for my ex, he doesn’t hate her. I explained that wasn’t the point. And reiterated that the only reason he’s going on holiday is for her. I told him I was really struggling with things - he said a while ago that he would make sure he was made aware of any plan changes well in advance. We’ll see.

He said it sounds like I’m giving him an ultimatum. Which I suppose I am. I told him not to change anything if he’s genuinely happy with how things are but that I can’t be part of that. It must be so stressful trying to please everyone all the time. And it’s impossible in these circumstances - and he will always pick her.

I wish it could be different as he’s been an absolute rock in every other regard, is kind, smart, funny, etc etc but it’s not worth it.

I’m going to see how the next challenge is handled (holiday or plan change) and make a decision then.

Good. He shouldn't hate his ex, she's the mother of his children and it's better for everyone if they get along. You say you aren't tying to change him but you are. You say you are starting to resent him but it's not him it's his ex wife that you resent but she can't disappear out of his life if he co parents with her and by the sound of it they were doing alright until you decided (after a decent amount of time being alright with it) that you aren't ok with it anymore. I'm not trying to be unkind but as you have no plans to blend your families and live apart etc I think you should back off and focus on yourself. Have fun with this man when he is around but don't demand he rearranges a functional relationship with his ex because you are jealous. If he really values your relationship he will make the right adjustments but giving ultimatums isn't the right way.

I don't think dropping everything for her at the expense of everything else, and going on family holidays with her, is 'functional'

Are you his ex?

Running round after your ex isn't functional. It's the opposite.

Op deserves better.

@sunflowrsngunpowdr You are right in a lot of ways. I suppose I am trying to change him: he is walked all over by her. She completely takes advantage of his good nature and I can’t believe he’ll be happy long term with it carrying on so am also getting more and more protective of him the more I see it.

But the relationship hasn’t been functional for a long time. It was never okay with me that he would have to sort out other arrangements for his children because she decided she couldn’t have them. Or work all day then drive for an hour to collect them because she didn’t want to. But those things were between them. I am tired of having to put things on hold or rearrange my childcare plans because she’s changed her mind at the last minute. I could accept the odd occasion.

It boils down to - as has been said up there - not wanting anything to negatively impact the happy family home we finally have.

I’m a step closer to ending things. After the chat, I decided to leave things for a while and see how the inevitable upcoming situations would be dealt with. I went to stay with him while both our exes had the kids. Very lovely but I had to leave earlier than planned because his ex changed her plans and wanted to drop the kids off much earlier than discussed: he just got off the phone and told me they were on their way back.

There’s about a week until they’re due to go away and as far as I’m aware, he’s still planning on going. He listened to everything I had to say and seemed to understand what I was saying but clearly nothing is going to change. I feel like I’m distancing myself. But there’s also a sense of relief. I really don’t know what he thinks is going to happen? That I’m just going to ignore the bits I don’t like? It’s a shame but it’s taking up too much headspace.

Things will never change OP.
He has made his choice.

Do not waste precious time on him when you have been through so much.

You deserve so much more than him.

The holiday would be the final straw for me.

You did a really smart thing by talking to him properly and then waiting to see what his actions would tell you. I'm just sorry he did the same old thing. You deserve better. 🌹

That's the arrangement he has and it coparents effectively

If you dont like it. Go now

Being last on his list would never be right for me.
You deserve more op.. And you do know that.