Adult step kids

[beachcitygirl]

Anyone else in this situation and finding it a struggle.
My partner has been my daughter's parents since she was 11 & his kids were already adults (30+ ) when I met him.

His eldest has a step child & we are expected (and do ) to treat him like a grandchild but my daughter is never considered family & often excluded.

I'm just at my wits end with the lot of them to be honest. They take take take & my dp isn't very well & they still expect him to do all the running.

I just feel summered. We've been together 9 years & there's been no big drama but he is desperate for us all to be "one family" but to be honest I'm so fed up with it all.

They are polite but dismissive of us.

Has anyone successful navigated such a situation?

It sounds like they have successfully othered you. And I'm guessing your DH has never wanted to rock that particular boat so they can.

I presume the adult step-kids have another mother somewhere. I can't see this changing unless they discover that your Dd has inherited from him or some other giant gesture. Then she will become real!

What happens when he dies do you get to stay in the home or do they get everything? I apologize if I seem only interested in money but I'd guess there are no consequences for them to ignoring you.

He loves them dearly and stayed single for their whole teens & never brought another woman into their lives.
He naively thought they would be please for him/us finding happiness.

Financially the plan is I get everything (and vice versa) & it gets divided equally between our kids when I die. (If he goes first - which is likely as he's older)

They don't know this.
They are not overtly nasty just exclusionary & have passed comment that I'm not family. I'm just so sad as he's been a brilliant dad & provider.
Weirdly his ex wife is lovely & very kind to me.

Have they always been like this? Do you think there's a possibility they feel threatened by you? Are they female?

If you met your partner when they were adults perhaps they feel you aren't family to them. Perhaps they feel envious that your children are with their Dad so much (yes, even as adults they may feel this!)

What would you like your relationship to be like? Is it important to you to have a relationship with them? It sounds like it is to your DP but I'm curious about you want. Often men want "one big happy family" but don't want to address any of the issues that prevent this (particularly if it means tough conversations with their own biological children!) It's much easier for them to bury their heads and say "I want us all to be a family"... which unconsciously (or maybe consciously) puts the onus on the stepmum to try and fix it.

Sending 💐it sounds hard x

I don't mean this in a rude way but you aren't their family. You came in to their lives as adults. You say they are polite, what more can you ask? The only issue I can see is that they want their stepchildren treated as grandchildren. That's your husband's business - if I were you (and your daughter) I'd mirror their behaviour. Be polite to them but make no more effort than that.

I was the adult stepchild in this situation and I think that they’re not being fair to you, especially as you’ve been with their Dad for several years.

My Dad met my SM when I was in my early 30’s and I recognized that she made him happy so we created a blended family. She was a lovely person and we (myself, DH and our children) were all very sad when she died.

Your estate planning, although prudent, does have the potential to cause trouble for you at a difficult time, given that your DH is older and more likely to go first. Your SC may be livid and contest his will, etc. I really hope that doesn’t happen, but be prepared for problems. 🙁

My Dad and SM deliberately kept their finances and estates separate to avoid this type of issue as her family are a grabby lot.

My DH is also older and has 3 adult children, we have mirror wills too so if he dies first everything will go to me, then when I die it will be split among children. It’s very expensive to contest wills and likely if they did it they’d have to pay costs so I wouldn’t worry. Any decent solicitor would advise them strongly not to proceed.

@Gensola Am I right in thinking that mirror wills are the ones that can’t be altered at all after one of the parties dies? If so, the OP will be OK as it wouldn’t be worth contesting.

Of course, it also means that the surviving spouse can’t update their will in any way, which could be a bugger in some ways.

I suppose I could just see the SC being very unkind towards the OP, even if they don’t take any legal action. They don’t sound as if they’re particularly nice to her now. 🙁

With mirror wills the surviving party can (and often does) change their will
So there is a risk to the children of the first party to die
To be safe trust provisions are required

Can your DH explain why they don't recognise/include your DD? This seems the main issue.

It's a DH problem, too, as he should be adding her and standing up for her - reminding them every time that they have not invited DD.

Ah, I must be thinking of another type of will, @Motheranddaughter . Do you know what it could be?

I’ve only heard of them as several years ago, there was a to-do in our family when a relative wanted to remarry and discovered that she couldn’t change the will she’s made with her deceased first husband.

Financially the plan is I get everything (and vice versa)

This is just horrible, sorry. Why would you do this? Are you actually married?

@BruFord
Almost certainly some sort of Trust

It is difficult when family remarry when you are older. My aunt was widowed and remarried when I was in my late 30s. I was very close to her first husband, my uncle but I don't feel that her 2nd husband is really my uncle. She died about 5 years ago and her 2nd husband is still very much included in our family but to me he's a random adult.
My dc do consider him their 'real' great uncle and he does send them cards and presents. I do think your step children should treat your dd as a child of the family.

Stop treating her stepchild or any of your DH's grandchildren as your grandchildren.

Treat his children as they treat your daughter.

If your DH wants one big happy family then he needs to be the one speaking to his children and making it happen. Stop trying. You're wasting your time and energy.

Why is it horrible?

You have no idea how much both of them have put into the relationship.
You have no idea how much care the surviving partner will require.
When the last surviving partner dies the rest will go to the kids evenly.

It sounds fair to me.

Are you close to his children's age? Is that why they are weird about it?

So my dad met his now wife when I was 11 she came in had him marry her with only her family involved I never new they married till he told me over the phone my dad doted on me hand and foot u till he met her. Yes I'm very envious of this women she's awful tbh. So anyway he had money when he met her which was met for me when he past now its given all to her when he passes and her millionaire son whom I can't stand aswell she always proceeds to tell me how she's had her grandchildren over for the week but she doesn't no my kids names nevertheless what they look like. But with the will I can see that causing problems you aren't family by blood but you are by marriage I think people tend to get mixed up with this and demand to be in the family as a whole if they don't accept u as family you simply can't force them to. You are the other women to them just the sad reality of it

OP, you need to be rethinking your will.
Leaving all to each other is not good. Let's say you go first. There is nothing preventing an elderly man from meeting a young person and leaving everything to them. Your child, his children, cut right out. Or he could leave it to just one of his offspring.
One way to resolve this would be to leave your half to your daughter, but give your husband a life interest in the property - ie he can live there til he dies or goes into care. It's not ideal, because the surviving partner may not maintain the property.
Perhaps others can think of a better way?

You seem like a good step mum but it's getting too much, don't come across as you don't care because they will pick up on it & arguments start, then it's your my step mum you treated us different. Now I have been a stepchildren to a very abusive step mother for 11 years, mentally & physically she damaged my hearing through constant hits to the head, exploding my ear drum. I have been through both sides as I am still a step ( although we don't or my daughter never used that word in the family) She calls me dad. (Always has), & her son calls me grandad.I sense that's now dividing your family & it's issues, & money can be the root of these types of situation. Find a fair a proper way through by asking what every one is expecting in a civil manner with all round the table. Hopefully it will all be solved amicably. Good Luck. P.S. All my grandchildren are my grandchildren, this step word in families need to stop. P.S. she took me out for a long dog walk yesterday & had a great day. Just me her & the grandchild. P.s. she is 44 & lost her husband to illness at 32, but she soldiers on alone working & caring for her child.Its only money remember.

Not horrible at all, pretty normal.

Why is it horrible?

You have no idea how much both of them have put into the relationship.
You have no idea how much care the surviving partner will require.
When the last surviving partner dies the rest will go to the kids evenly.
It sounds fair to me.

Problem being that the rest may not go to the kids. Her/His share may go entirely to a newcomer. Imagine, you have made the above agreement with your husband. You die. He remarries. New wife gets his money and yours. Your kids, his kids lose out. Your share goes to some random woman.

@LimeAnkles has it spot on here "If your DH wants one big happy family then he needs to be the one speaking to his children and making it happen."

All too often the Stepmum gets pushed to be the 'fixer' and make everything ok. This is often after months/years of trying to do this already!

The husbands/fathers have a big role to play here!

My mother married my stepfather when I was 30. She owned her flat and he moved in with her - he just brought a few pieces of furniture and they shared all the household bills. The property remained in her sole name. Her will stated that it would be left to my brother and me in equal shares, with stepfather being allowed to live in it rent-free as long as he wanted to. We were all aware of the contents of the will. Seven or eight years after the wedding she was diagnosed with a terminal illness and a few weeks before she died, she told me that she wanted to change her will, to give half the property to her husband and my brother and I would receive a quarter each. After her death, my stepfather told me that the new will was not valid because she had signed it in pencil, and that, because she had already destroyed the original will, she had technically died intestate.
Under the laws of intestacy, my stepfather received her entire estate. He gave me my mother’s jewellery and divided her other personal possessions between my brother and me. He made a will in which he left the property in four shares between my brother, myself and his own two adult children from his first marriage. Twenty years after my mother’s death, after he had sold the flat and married again, I received a cheque from him for a quarter of the sale proceeds. As I had reconciled myself to receiving nothing, I was pleasantly surprised.

So in the end you got 25% of the property as your dm wished. Wills are tricky things!

Worth getting a will legally drawn, that way the solicitor will have a copy, and there will be no 'losing' or invalid.