Adult step kids

[beachcitygirl]

Anyone else in this situation and finding it a struggle.
My partner has been my daughter's parents since she was 11 & his kids were already adults (30+ ) when I met him.

His eldest has a step child & we are expected (and do ) to treat him like a grandchild but my daughter is never considered family & often excluded.

I'm just at my wits end with the lot of them to be honest. They take take take & my dp isn't very well & they still expect him to do all the running.

I just feel summered. We've been together 9 years & there's been no big drama but he is desperate for us all to be "one family" but to be honest I'm so fed up with it all.

They are polite but dismissive of us.

Has anyone successful navigated such a situation?

I should have thought that how they treat you and consider you is a reflection of how your partner talks about you to them.

You aren’t married, so technically you aren’t family.
How your DP handles his relationship with his kids and (step)grandkids is really none of your business.
In your shoes, I’d step back, accept how they view me and adjust my behaviour towards them appropriately.

Good luck. x

Be honest, OP, you aren’t their family, you’re their father’s partner. They were in their 30s when you got together so you are hardly a stepmother to them, are you?

As long as you are polite to one another, isn’t that enough?

She could change her will so nothing goes to her partner’s children.

Dividing amongst the kids "evenly" means OPs DD loses out though - instead of getting her mother's half of the marital property she'd now have to share with two or three step-siblings who'd otherwise inherit their dad's half among themselves. Given she's being snubbed and not considered family by them, hardly an equitable move.

Hi everyone
Sorry I've not replied. I've been quite ill.

My partner and I are not married because I was unable to get a divorce from an abusive man for a long time & financial settlement took longer.

That's now all sorted.

we will be marrying shortly but there has been a horrid bereavement in wider family and it's not a time for such a happy event.

My partner is a lot older than me and has considerable health issues.
I love him with all my heart and I'm happy to care for him for the rest of my life.
He wants to make sure I can live how I choose or pay for care for myself if needed.
His estate is more than mine.
He considers my daughter his own.

I just want him to be happy. I didn't meet him until decades after his divorce so I'm most definitely not the other woman.

I just struggle with seeing how hurt he is & how excluded I feel and feel for my daughter but I would never want his kids to feel anything other than loved and included.
They are just difficult & cliquey and at times downright rude.
Tbh I was struggling very much that weekend of op after a particularly trying weekend where I bent over backwards and was treated in a derisory fashion in my own home. 😞
Thanks everyone for taking time to comment.

Ps incidentally his ex wife is a lovely woman who is kind to me & my daughter. And has always slipped my daughter a selection box/easter egg etc and goes out of her way to talk to us both at big events.

I have taken her to hospital appointments & we genuinely get on well, of course I would never speak about any of this and her children to her, but I am fairly sure she recognises it and overcompensates to make up.
I'm just saddened.

@beachcitygirl op I'm so sorry you have been dealing with all of this.

Have you got a decent support network around you ? Outside of your DP.

Friends I have spoken to have been iced out by adult stepchildren and not spoken to at all once dad died. Hideous but ultimately it's about them and their issues.

I think mum being friendly with you shows it's not you ! I recon it's the money aspect but frankly you will be married, and they will receive a fair slice of the pie each. And if they don't like it well they can do one ?

I wish to be a millionaire and can sulk about it all I want but it doesn't change the facts.

Make sure you get mirror wills drawn up and get a person who specialises in blended families re will.

It must feel hurtful but you say they were in their 30s when you got together with their dad. Well, their lives are established, they have no need for a parenting figure and I doubt they consider you step mother, you're their dad's partner.

Being rude to you isn't ok but they don't have to accept you.

I also think the inheritance thing is going to cause issues and I'd think again before your partner dies because otherwise it's you dealing with the fallout of anything they feel is unfair.

This applies more to younger kids but there's something I find very uncomfortable about forcing children to accept new step parents. They don't have to and haven't chosen this.

The idea that kids have to be ok with someone joining their family, living in their house, maybe their children moving in too.

That's a lot and will bring up very strong feelings for some which is ok. Adults are allowed strong feelings and they're allowed to not want to spend time with people if they choose not to but kids just have to be ok with it.

He loves them dearly and stayed single for their whole teens & never brought another woman into their lives.
Do they realise this? Or do they think he was happy with just them

Hi all, I don't expect them to love me or treat me as mum, a) they have a lovely mum and b) they're adults
But I do expect them to be decent & inclusive.
Rightly, none of my partners kids consulted him when they married & as long as his 2 daughters in law & son in law make his kids happy that's all he cares about (and they do)
It's the fact they seem to believe they get a veto on who he loves that's hard.

He doesn't go to any event that I'm not invited to & we will marry this year, frankly at this stage I'm
Happy with civility but he's dreadfully unhappy about how they treat my daughter & myself and he's sad & i hate that.

We both bring similar money to the table & we also both want the other to have care if needed etc when one of us goes. He is 20 years older than me so it will likely be him.

I just don't know what else to do.