DSS won't stop hugging and climbing over me and his dad

[Threetrees745]

My DSS is nearly 8 and is very physically affectionate but to the point where it's getting too much. He is tall for his age and he grabs on to behind my neck and lifts his feet of the floor while shouting "HUGGIES" into my face and because he is getting bigger it's hurting my neck and back but he won't stop when asked. He just pouts and says it's because he loves us.
He also seems to be wanting to be physically touching his dad at all times and after 3 or 4 hours of it today, my husband asked him politely if he could move to the other sofa and allow him some personal space. This lasted all of 5 minutes before he was back trying to use him as a climbing frame again.

I'm concerned that if we don't put down some boundaries around touching and saying no to physical intimacy now that he will have difficulty understanding what's appropriate with peers when he is older. We shouldn't just have to let him hug, kiss and climb on us whenever he wants because he loves us! I feel like that's a bad message for a young boy to have, especially as he hits puberty and starts interacting with girls. However I don't want to come across like we are rejecting him.

For additional context, i have been in his life since he was 3, we have 50/50 care and we also have a younger child in the home.

How best to proceed?

Agree.

I would maintain that you don't like being hugged the way he was doing, but I would make a real intention to instigate a handful of hugs each day the way you want to be hugged.

Maybe also things like ruffling his hair or telling him you're proud of him, checking in on how he ie/his interests, letting him catch you smiling at him.

I heard you when you said she's always been a tactile child, but I still think a new baby is a big change, and now it's been around for 4 months the realisation that it's a permanent change and his parents and wider family will forever have to be shared has probably sunk in.

Op describes her child in exactly the same terms ie a baby in my arms. I am not seeing any reasons to feel concern for her dss. She is trying to instil good boundaries and body autonomy.

Op you’re just going to have to keep going with your dss on the body autonomy front. I agree this sounds like sensory seeking. I would not 100% dismiss some kind of additional needs. My dd is 16 and now needs to be assessed for possible autism. I did see glimmers before but no one else did and I quashed my thoughts. Maybe she is autistic, maybe not. But she masks well if this is the case.

I think a chat with him and finding some 121 time with his dad and a little with you would be good. Idk can you be the one to bake some cakes with him and his dad takes him on a day trip out without your baby etc. During these times you can talk about him and how he is just as important now that you have a baby and how you love him etc. About how he’s such a great kid, so loving and can be such a fab older brother etc.

I feel like this with my kids. I use phrases like I love when you sit still and hold my hand or I tell them to sit on the floor while I stroke their hair or face. I tell them every time physical touch is too much for me. I also make them exercise a lot as I have it’s often an outlet for being overstimulated at school and having a run/walk/scoot helps with that

For fuck sake, do not tell him he’s acting like a baby! He’s a kid who is seeking affection, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and shaming someone seeking that is just cruel.

It certainly isn't cruel! 8 is far old enough to understand that you don't do things to people's bodies that they don't want you to.

He isn't listening. It doesn't sound like affection if he's doing things he's been asked not to

Sounds like additional needs. If he’s very sensory seeking, you need to read up on it and redirect him to more appropriate ways of expressing his needs. He might need some support with boundaries. You could do social stories with him to help this.

My daughter’s autistic friend used to grab her and constantly hug us from age 3 right up through primary school. Interestingly, if dd or I went to give her a hug, she found it very uncomfortable and backed away. Thus suggested to me that the hugging she did was a sensory rather than a loving thing, as us hugging her was so unwelcome.

You have a 4 month old baby who is being constantly held and cuddled. Now is not the time to tell your stepson he is too old for cuddles. He needs more attention not less - perhaps just try and redirect him to do it in ways that don’t hurt people.

Just to clarify, I'm not telling him he is too old for cuddles. I am trying to tell him that he is too heavy and big to hang round my neck and lift his feet when cuddling me.

@EG94 there is no reason to think this boy is going to grow up to be a sexual deviant. There is no reason to think he will be 70 years old and still jumping on people and getting in their faces. He sounds like a normal 8 year old boy pushing boundaries, attention seeking and just being annoying- how you can even suggest that this NORMAL behaviour means he might grow up to be a rapist 🤷🏽‍♀️ I have no words other than I hope to God you don't have sons. OP: I have a 5 YO who does this and when they do it to me or siblings I say: get out of my / their face now. I give them a few warnings before they get punished. Punishment is usually sit and face the wall in silence. Obviously I know the new baby adds a different dynamic and you should be sensitive of this but I would try and agree with your husband and his mum to correct it every time he does it and equally to reward him when he doesn't. Also do you find it's worse after he watches tv or when he suddenly becomes bored?

Very normal to want to feel secure, especially with a new baby in the house.
every day, even if it’s just for 10 minutes each you and your husband should do something with him just with him without the baby giving him 100 percent of your attention not watching TV one on one difficult with a baby and life I know but I think that might be the solution..
trying to stop him and telling him not to do it is pushing him out even though it’s driving you crazy he needs another kind of attention to replace it. He’s obviously feeling really insecure.

"You are growing into such a lovely young (wo)man... how about you help me finish up with your sister and we can have a hug and watch <whatever> on telly"

This is what my gran used to say when I was "a bit of a handful" - my sister was 10 years younger and got a lot of happy snuggles... I felt overlooked, all I wanted was some affection... but gran knew how to handle it...
Treat him like he's growing up and that you LIKE that.

Insecurity and feelings of rejection and being usurped by the new baby are driving this manic need for physical contact.

That doesn't Lena you've done anything wrong, it's just his reaction and perhaps is just very emotionally sensitive.

It will wear off but doe now I would do little things to show he's loved and wanted.

Crafting is always a good way to spend one on one time with him and he can't make personalised items which you can display in your home.

The obvious one being a hand print picture.

Gifting something inexpensive such as a cushion that will be 'his' cushion on the couch etc.

Getting him involved with writing on a calendar for things you're doing with him.

Lots of ways to emphasise how loved and cherished he is.

You’re acting like a baby is totally different from don’t do things that other people don’t want you to.

This is an 8 rear old child who’s been through a lot of changes in his life, and the way he’s acting is a response to that. It’s totally possible to put boundaries in place without being cruel and insulting a child.

You don’t have to agree with my opinion and just to put your mind at ease I don’t have sons but I tell you for free if I did I would bang into them consent and other people’s boundaries. It’s really not a leap. The child has kissed another kid on lips repeatedly after being told no. Now he is ignoring no with cuddles but accepts no for everything else. I think this is really something that needs to be drummed into him and any child no means no. I was just saying OP is right to be concerned how this will affect him in the future in they can’t get on top of it.

my friend has two kids, girl and boy, they have had conversations about touch and have been told under no circumstances do they have to be forced into touch from other people and similarly they cannot force others to receive. They’re 11 & 9 and have been aware of this for a good 5 years. The 11 year old has decided no face kisses so when I say goodbye we have a hug and I kiss the top of his head. Would it be ok if I kissed his cheek because I want to? No. Healthy understanding of consent and touch established.

I also suggested explain cuddles like this hurt etc and is not ok, nicely explain and if it continues remind him of the conversation and off to his room for 10 mins or something similar. I’m not suggesting all of this will make him a rapist I’m suggesting boundaries and understanding the power of no is really important for him to start to learn before he gets older.

Rather than saying “don’t do x and y” can you redirect so that he gets the physical stimulation he’s looking for without hurting you? Things like putting a cushion on him and pressing down on it, a weighted blanket, physical games, trampolining etc may help. Then just redirect, redirect, redirect and hopefully he will get that he can’t do certain things but he can ask for something that will give him what he’s craving.

I think 8 is a tricky age, my sensitive child was quite full on physically at that age. They think they can do the same things as a 4 year old but are much bigger! My Ds is much much less physical now at 12 and it’s mostly me initiating physical affection and he will quite often turn down a hug (which is fine of course).

I agree with everyone about putting boundaries in place- he’s way too big to be doing that and if it hurts you it definitely needs to stop.

But I’d balance that with making sure he’s got time to wrestle with his Dad and be physical as he’s clearly got a need to do that and so to have some appropriate ways to do that is important. Maybe introduce some new games like tag of war, get the cushions on the floor and see how can get each other down but then be very clear that these times have a start and an end and it’s just not appropriate to be jumping on you. Marshall arts are great for control as well as giving them some time to be physical so might be worth trying.

I know this is an old thread and I haven’t read all the replies but I’m staggered that none I’ve read have mentioned the issue of a new baby in the house.

Like - seriously?

No one can see why a young boy is seeking attention and loads of physical contact and reassurance from his dad and SM who he’s known since the age of 3 and he only sees 50% of the time when they’ve just had a new/ish baby??? Wow.

I hope it’s all settled down now, poor little guy.

Of course seek to put some boundaries in place, but I’m amazed by anyone being surprised that this has ramped up since the arrival of a half sibling. He needs reassurance and comfort right now so as to not feel pushed out - especially physical comfort - it’s just about finding a way for him to get that without anyone getting hurt or touched out.

Oh, old thread, never mind.

What thread did you read? Because a whole bunch of comments on this thread are talking about how this could be due to a new baby in the house.

Hopefully ops step son is no longer hanging off her neck like monkey bars 😂

You left out the new baby (presumably with you all the time) part. He’s likely reacting to this - all kids too but you tend to be more compassionate when it’s your own child. I know with my second child I spent so much time making sure my oldest felt loved and wanted and important.
sure consent is very important and you need to model this and ensure he understand it but I feel this is a bit of red herring and it’s not the real issue here - you’re annoyed because he’s demanding attention and you want to focus on your new baby and he’s annoyed and feels left out and looks to be physically close - can’t ignore him then!
I think absolutely model consent and bodily autonomy but this needs to go hand in hand with lots of quality time with him and ensuring he knows he loved. You probably need time to yourself too - biologically you’re being hard wired to focus on your child which is normal!