Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DSS won't stop hugging and climbing over me and his dad

72 replies

Threetrees745 · 20/07/2024 17:13

My DSS is nearly 8 and is very physically affectionate but to the point where it's getting too much. He is tall for his age and he grabs on to behind my neck and lifts his feet of the floor while shouting "HUGGIES" into my face and because he is getting bigger it's hurting my neck and back but he won't stop when asked. He just pouts and says it's because he loves us.
He also seems to be wanting to be physically touching his dad at all times and after 3 or 4 hours of it today, my husband asked him politely if he could move to the other sofa and allow him some personal space. This lasted all of 5 minutes before he was back trying to use him as a climbing frame again.

I'm concerned that if we don't put down some boundaries around touching and saying no to physical intimacy now that he will have difficulty understanding what's appropriate with peers when he is older. We shouldn't just have to let him hug, kiss and climb on us whenever he wants because he loves us! I feel like that's a bad message for a young boy to have, especially as he hits puberty and starts interacting with girls. However I don't want to come across like we are rejecting him.

For additional context, i have been in his life since he was 3, we have 50/50 care and we also have a younger child in the home.

How best to proceed?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

EG94 · 20/07/2024 19:08

Also teaching young children the value of no, boundaries and personal space is incredibly important. He may be 8 now and he may grow out of it but if he grows out of the cuddles but retains the inability to take no for an answer that’s how women get raped. OP you are absolutely right for thinking ahead

MulberryBushRoundabout · 20/07/2024 19:15

DullFanFiction · 20/07/2024 18:32

I agree that ss needs to be told no every time rather than tolerating it for a few hours (like your h did) before saying no.

Are we really saying here that the message this child should get is that it’s not ok for him to ask/get cuddles at all? 🙄🙄

Because that feels utterly wrong.
But that’s exactly what that sort of advice suggests - say NO every single time

You’ve read something in to this discussion which is not there. Its not cuddles that are an issue, it’s leaping on to their backs which is an issue.

RookieMa · 20/07/2024 19:19

Obviously tell him really kindly and nicely that he can come and sit with you for a hug but please stop jumping up and grabbing my neck because it hurts now you're a big boy and cuddles shouldn't hurt

So sit down and pat the seat next to you and have a big bear hug and say no that's better isn't it

banivani · 20/07/2024 19:20

I agree that he’s reacting to the new situation with a baby, and with the suggestion of appropriate love bombing. How about taking control of the game? You shout “huggies“ and initiate random hugs until
he tires of the whole thing.Setting some rules about injuries of course, I also agree with pp about boundaries - if you take control of the game this might be easier to enforce. He’s not going to do this forever but he’ll probably get a bit more intense with it before it fades.

Abawaba123 · 20/07/2024 19:38

My youngest is like this - he is autistic and very sensory-seeking. He is constantly trying to hug/sit on/push up against the people that he likes. I think it’s connected to his difficulty with feeling his own body/knowing where he is in space (interoception and proprioception). Also compression/squeezing is very calming if he’s getting overwhelmed.

Im not saying your step-son is autistic, but this kind of sensory seeking behaviour is not unusual in neurodivergent kids. You may find that some of the techniques we use would help him even if he is neurotypical.

So for example - we use a calming weighted vest, he has a weighted lap pad, and a weighted blanket. He spends maybe an hour every day (in 5 minute increments) wrapped up tightly in his weighted blanket, like a swaddle. He also likes to sit on a giant beanbag with another beanbag on top of him.

Basically any way to mimic the feeling of physical contact will help him so he can reduce how much he needs to climb on us!

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/07/2024 19:47

I agree sounds like he may have some special needs due to how affectionate and doesn't like being told no and the over love /jumping on you and dh

Agree dont withhold cuddles. My 7yr loves a coddle and will come for a snuggle

But she doesn't jump all over me

Original poster

Threetrees745 · 20/07/2024 19:48

DullFanFiction · 20/07/2024 18:30

I think too he is feeling insecure just right now (regardless of why).

I also think the issue of giving you a hog in a way that is physically hurtful needs to be addressed asap. Just show him how he should do it instead. And step back each time he is trying to hold onto your neck.

I also get the being touched out and wanting some personal space. But please be honest. What’s going on is that you feel uncomfortable to have him on your knees/stuck on you so much.

Dint use stuff such as ‘he is going to carry on doing that with his peers when he is older’. Unless he is also all over them all the time and doesn’t take as an answer, it is simply not going to happen 😁😁
And it’s unlikely to carry in fur much longer either. He is a little boy in a body that has grown quicker than his mind/maturity. He isn’t too old for cuddles. He’ll be too old when he is proactively not giving you any.

Just to clarify as I think you have misunderstood my post. I am not uncomfortable with giving a child a cuddle. I'm uncomfortable having a young boy who is nearly the same height as me trying to use me as a climbing frame every minute that I don't have a baby in my arms. It's physically uncomfortable because it's sore and really annoying and he won't listen to no or respect another person's body autonomy.
Please don't try and read into it and make it seem like I am uncomfortable giving my step son affection as that is not what is happening here.

OP posts:

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 20/07/2024 19:54

Kissing his friend on the lips, and not listening to people who tell him to stop (you and the friend) sounds a bit outside the norm to me. Any other examples of inappropriate physical contact with others, and boundary pushing OP? I'm not usually one to jump to SN but this does sound unusual.

Original poster

Threetrees745 · 20/07/2024 20:01

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 20/07/2024 19:54

Not really tbh, he is generally well behaved and will listen to no when it comes to other things. He just seems desperate for touch and affection which we give willingly and often but it just doesn't seem to be enough to satisfy him!

OP posts:

Chipsahoy · 20/07/2024 20:13

I would say perhaps some sensory issues? My youngest is similar. He needs touch. My nephew was the same and quite aggressive with it almost. Both have sensory issues.

dbeuowlxb173939 · 20/07/2024 20:26

It's lovely that he wants hugs and he's bound to grow out of it soon. But it's fine to tell him if he's hurting- my DD is 9 but tall for her age and still likes hugs, in the past she has lifted her feet off the floor when I'm hugging her and it does strain my back! I just had to tell her not to do that.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 20/07/2024 20:59

EG94 · 20/07/2024 19:08

What the fuck are you talking about?

EG94 · 20/07/2024 21:25

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 20/07/2024 20:59

What the fuck are you talking about?

Show quote history

Well I think I explained it quite clearly. OP had concerns about him not respecting people’s boundaries and respecting being told no and how this might affect him in later life. She was told not to hide behind excuses and I said no I think she’s right to show concern because if an 8 year old boy doesn’t learn no means no, he will be an 18 year old boy one day not understanding the word no and respecting people’s boundaries. She’s right to make sure this is something he understands to avoid problems later on in life. Hopefully that’s a bit clearer for you.

Marblessolveeverything · 20/07/2024 22:18

It is almost sensory seeking? I think I would try break down the problem. The biggest one to me would be the banning the specific actions that are causing pain.

Agree what physical affection you are comfortable and keeping that boundary, both of you. I would go as far as to instigate it a lot to reinforce the correct approach?

Pinkiepromise789 · 21/07/2024 01:52

You've just had a baby, can you think how this child may feel??

It sounds as though he is looking for reassurance?

Perhaps your fixation on boundaries 'because he will go through puberty soon' isn't the best way to handle this?

If this was your son, how would you deal with it? I would question that it would be the same way

Pinkiepromise789 · 21/07/2024 01:54

Oh dear...

This is your step son, not a 'young boy nearly the same height as you'

Poor child is all I can say! I bet you were so sweet to him until your baby arrived. It's such a cliché- and for a very sad reason

Imustgoforarun · 21/07/2024 02:13

Perhaps your SS is feeling left out. The baby gets 100% of dad and mum but SS gets 50% of time and when with his dad he has to share it with the baby. I always feel sorry for children in this position. It must be hard for them.

pinkyredrose · 21/07/2024 02:19

This is your step son, not a 'young boy nearly the same height as you

How can you say that when you don't know him?

Op tell him he's behaving like a baby.

Pinkiepromise789 · 21/07/2024 02:30

I was quoting the OP!

But don't worry, I'm sure she has told him that already..

They should get him to sit on the other sofa, make sure when baby isn't in your arms that you have DH next to you fawning over you. Not that ... child climbing over you!!!

This big baby needs to be told to back off.

And if you don't.. God knows what lack of boundaries he will have in the future. Pedal that to DH.. I'm sure it's working a treat!

Poor child

Original poster

Threetrees745 · 21/07/2024 06:43

Pinkiepromise789 · 21/07/2024 01:52

You've just had a baby, can you think how this child may feel??

It sounds as though he is looking for reassurance?

Perhaps your fixation on boundaries 'because he will go through puberty soon' isn't the best way to handle this?

If this was your son, how would you deal with it? I would question that it would be the same way

Just because he may or may not feel left out doesn't mean he should be allowed to physically hurt people and not listen to being told no.

If he was my biological son, not that it makes any difference, I would also be telling him to stop.

People are really awful to step parents who are just trying to do their best.

OP posts:

InWalksBarberalla · 21/07/2024 06:50

Does he have toys like squishmallows he can cuddle? I'd be working with his dad to set firm boundaries and redirecting him.

FunIsland · 21/07/2024 06:55

pinkyredrose · 21/07/2024 02:19

This is your step son, not a 'young boy nearly the same height as you

How can you say that when you don't know him?

Op tell him he's behaving like a baby.

For fuck sake, do not tell him he’s acting like a baby! He’s a kid who is seeking affection, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and shaming someone seeking that is just cruel.

However if he’s hurting you, you just tell him to stop every single time, and offer an alternative. ‘Jeff, you can’t do that as it really hurts my back, but let’s have a normal hug instead’. If you’re all touched out, ‘Oh Jeff, it’s been a really long day and I don’t feel like hugging right now, let’s do a high 5 instead’. If he’s climbing on you ‘Jeff, stop climbing on me mate, if you want a hug just ask’

I agree with someone else upthread though, it seems like he’s sensory seeking, does he have access to something to climb and bounce on if he needs to?

tuttuttutt · 21/07/2024 06:57

Ffs the leaping on backs needs to stop but the poster calling him a potential future rapist is wild.

Suzieandthemonkeyfeet · 21/07/2024 07:05

I have 2 dds that are similar

11 year old dd is taller than me and really gets in my personal have - as in my face. It will try and climb on the couch with me for a cuddle and it’s odd as it’s like cuddling an adult, when she gets on my face though I tell her to step back. I think I’m part it’s because she still wants to be close to me but also testing boundaries as she is stepping in to her taller self.

dd 8 years - does it purely for attention if I’m speaking to anyone else so I’m at the point I just tell her to get off,

If one of them hurt me I bloody tell them, they do need to be told,

With your dd I would say ‘ I love you but you hurt me when you do that and if you do it again I’ll be cross. If he does it again- then you get cross

He won’t do this to his peers - it’s a parent thing

Sorry for typos I’ve broken my glasses 🙈

Jk987 · 21/07/2024 07:08

You'd be right to set boundaries but I'm wondering if there's an underlying reason for this.

Does he feel insecure for some reason or jealous of the younger sibling? What's he like with his mum when he stays there?

Flip

1 2 3