DSS won't stop hugging and climbing over me and his dad

[Threetrees745]

My DSS is nearly 8 and is very physically affectionate but to the point where it's getting too much. He is tall for his age and he grabs on to behind my neck and lifts his feet of the floor while shouting "HUGGIES" into my face and because he is getting bigger it's hurting my neck and back but he won't stop when asked. He just pouts and says it's because he loves us.
He also seems to be wanting to be physically touching his dad at all times and after 3 or 4 hours of it today, my husband asked him politely if he could move to the other sofa and allow him some personal space. This lasted all of 5 minutes before he was back trying to use him as a climbing frame again.

I'm concerned that if we don't put down some boundaries around touching and saying no to physical intimacy now that he will have difficulty understanding what's appropriate with peers when he is older. We shouldn't just have to let him hug, kiss and climb on us whenever he wants because he loves us! I feel like that's a bad message for a young boy to have, especially as he hits puberty and starts interacting with girls. However I don't want to come across like we are rejecting him.

For additional context, i have been in his life since he was 3, we have 50/50 care and we also have a younger child in the home.

How best to proceed?

I'd start putting a consequence in place whenever he grabs your neck to climb on you and shouts in your face, that's really not on at his age and he needs to learn before he actually injures you.

Just keep saying "sorry Ben, you're too big for this now" and either get up from.the sofa or duck down so the hug doesn't work.
He probably doesn't quite realise he's not little any more

You need to be talking to him in an age appropriate way and and using modelling to explain consent and bodily autonomy.

This means asking his permission every time before you touch him ('is it ok if I hug you'), and reminding him about it regularly. He is not too young to be taught that he can choose whether he wants body contact, but others have the right to do the same. They also have the right to say no.

Hanging off you, round your neck when've told him not to, is unacceptable.

There needs to be a small consequence every time he does it. It sounds like he wants your attention, so the consequence is that you go to a different room, away from him.

Lots of positive attention at other times as a reward for seeking body contact appropriately will help to re-enforce it.

I've tried to tell him directly, move away, talk to him about consent and body autonomy, even shout at him to get off me and it still doesn't work. It's like he forgets the whole conversation happened and comes back with a vegence less that 5 mins later.
Because we also have a baby, I'm already tired, touched out and sore back from lifting and carrying a baby as well.

I suppose the advice is just to carry in being consistent.

OP, and I mean this kindly, ypu probably need to make an extra effort to be consistent. Both of you.
So don't even let him do it once, DH needs to not let him do hours of climbing before saying no. You need to start with no. Otherwise he doesn't understand that he's too big to do this and it's just not OK rather than sometimes it's OK and sometimes it's not. That's why he comes back after 5 mins. You do need DH on board too.

It’s just a phase, maybe he’s feeling a bit left out at the moment or the change at school. Just redirect his attention till this phase passes.

Has he always been like this, or is it a consequence of you having had a baby?

I’d say it hurts when you do this and it’s also too much for some people all that jazz. When he ignores it, I’d say remember we spoke about this, remind him of the chat and then follow with please go to your room for 10 minutes. Repeat repeat repeat

what if he manhandled your baby. You absolutely have to curb this xx

Is he like this generally? ie does he do as he’s told, or does he repeat the same things ? Trying to understand is this a pattern of behaviour or is it just with the hugs?

Along with the consistency (which I totally agree on - my kids do this to DH until he gets annoyed that they won’t stop, they don’t do it to me because I have never let them), make sure you are meeting the needs he’s expressing. So offering lots of physical touch, cuddles, rough housing - just on an equal and consenting basis.

How old is “ the baby “

id Say that’s the nub of this. The baby gets you and his dad. He gets sent away to mum.

appropriate “ love bombing “ ?

Why are people going on about the baby? OP doesn't say she has a baby. She said younger child.

I think it's very typical for the age tbh. My 7 year old son is like this and I've noticed all his classmates are the same at pick up, leaping onto parents with no warning, jumping on their friends backs etc and roughly hugging them.

My same age nephew does this with his
poor mum and granny. It’s hard to watch as he’s pretty big and strong now. Seems quite
inappropriate somehow.

She mentions a bad back from carrying the baby

Tell him hes too big for this now and it hurts

Does he have any sort of additional needs? I'm only asking as I have 5 sons and none of them were ever like this at 8 - they're usually starting to shrug off hugs and kisses by this age! Though would still cuddle in beside me on the sofa when tired or poorly and give hugs and kisses at bedtime. They were not rough or jumping all over me though. Could it be that he is feeling insecure because you and your husband have another child, who is with you all the time when presumably he isn't? That could be making him more needy and insecure. Maybe dad can spend some time with him doing more 'grown-up' boys things like fishing or wild camping so he sees the benefit of being less babyish.

I agree that ss needs to be told no every time rather than tolerating it for a few hours (like your h did) before saying no.

Does he do this with his peers at school ? My sons liked physical play with friends but stopped the climbing on me stage by the time that they started school.

I think too he is feeling insecure just right now (regardless of why).

I also think the issue of giving you a hog in a way that is physically hurtful needs to be addressed asap. Just show him how he should do it instead. And step back each time he is trying to hold onto your neck.

I also get the being touched out and wanting some personal space. But please be honest. What’s going on is that you feel uncomfortable to have him on your knees/stuck on you so much.

Dint use stuff such as ‘he is going to carry on doing that with his peers when he is older’. Unless he is also all over them all the time and doesn’t take as an answer, it is simply not going to happen 😁😁
And it’s unlikely to carry in fur much longer either. He is a little boy in a body that has grown quicker than his mind/maturity. He isn’t too old for cuddles. He’ll be too old when he is proactively not giving you any.

Thanks for your responses. My baby is 4 months so fairly new addition the family, however DSS has always been a sensitive soul and very physically affectionate so I don't think it's much of a change from normal.
No additional needs as far as we are aware but I've just remembered a situation when he first went to primary school. He kept kissing his friend on the lips even when his friend told him to stop so friends parents ended up having to have a word with his mum and she told us to keep an eye on it as I think she was a bit embarrassed. He just seems to love touch and physical affection. It was cute when he was young but it's just getting too much now as he is far too heavy for me.

I agree that ss needs to be told no every time rather than tolerating it for a few hours (like your h did) before saying no.

Are we really saying here that the message this child should get is that it’s not ok for him to ask/get cuddles at all? 🙄🙄

Because that feels utterly wrong.
But that’s exactly what that sort of advice suggests - say NO every single time

Have you tried (particularly your partner) asking him for cuddles? This worked well with my oldest (though he was younger).

A weighted blanket maybe? He's obviously trying to meet some sensory needs.

8 year olds are definitely not too old for cuddles! Explain to him the kind of cuddles you do like, and say no to the kind you don’t.
Try offering him a cuddle whenever you can cope with it.

The message would be that it's not okay to hug someone (or jump on them!) WITHOUT ASKING, which is a perfectly acceptable message to give an 8 year old.