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Original poster

Why?

65 replies

talie101 · 12/04/2008 18:40

...do I have to have you pushed in my face sitting in the car to collect the children and have you sit opposite me watching my young dd's first plays etc?!

Why do I have to smile sweetly and pretend that everything is hunky dory for the sake of the children when I just don't want to see you (I don't hate you any more...I just don't want you there!).....why do I have to see you?....is there a law to say that you have to be in my life too and flaunted under my nose just because you are now part of my children's?

I have accepted that you made a play for my husband and won him from me. I accept that you and him have been together for a couple of years (although he is texting me saying he regrets things, grass is not greener and all the other shit that comes out of his mouth!). I have no reason to believe that you have or ever will be nasty to my children and by all accounts are a good person in my childrens lives. I accept that my exh is entitled to be at my dd's plays etc but why do I have to accept you there? Would you really make a big impact on their lives if you were not?...again I ask WHY do I have to see you? I don't want you where I am, imposing on my life, I want to keep you separate from me.....is that really to much to ask?!!!!!

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Surfermum · 13/04/2008 20:34

We took dsd, her mum and other siblings (not dh's) out for pizza on dsd's birthday last year. It was the first time we'd socialised too. Dsd's mum and I clinked wine glasses, looked each other in the eye and both agreed it was really odd being sat having a meal together.

I wish we had been able to do it years ago.

Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 20:36

Lucky you, Surfermum, to have reached that kind of place

Youcannotbeserious · 13/04/2008 20:41

You can do it, Anna!

As Surfermum said, when you can actually see each other in a social setting, guard down (as it were) you actually appreciate that neither one of you has two heads or is some sort of evil cow out for total destruction!!!

I, like Surfermum, wish it could have happened years ago, but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth so I'm just glad we're (reasonably) OK now...

(I'm PG at the moment, and I'm not 100% sure that DH's ex is OK with it at all!!! )

Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 20:46

Well, I sent my exquisite DD (3.5) to the party with her father and brothers tonight to make ex-wife madly jealous slightly closer to our family.

Wrong attitude, I know . She does piss me off though. Hence the lack of impetus to meet.

Must try harder and listen to wise words of MNers who have trodden this path before me.

Surfermum · 13/04/2008 20:48

Why don't you want to meet her Anna?

Youcannotbeserious · 13/04/2008 20:50

YOu might find she's 'gets' to you less if you met her?

Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 20:51

Because she is extremely egocentric and pisses everyone about all the time. She is forever asking us to move dates and take the boys at different times to suit her professional and personal life, but if we ever ask for a change (which we have done about twice in three years and only ever to suit the boys' agenda) she says no.

She is notorious for having a Goddess Complex...

Surfermum · 13/04/2008 21:05

You see if it were me I'd still want to meet her. Dsd is a significant person in my life and I would have found it very odd if I had never met her mum - even though for years she didn't want to know. I just used to put her behaviour in a box and think "she's dsd's mum, I don't have to like her, I don't have to like her behaviour, but I can meet her and be civil for dsd's sake".

Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 21:07

I'm not at all sure that meeting the ex would have any impact on my stepsons. I get on very well with them, look after them on my own regularly (I even took DSS1 and my DD on holiday to my parents in England for a week last year without my partner), have lots of input in their education and upbringing.

Ex wife is weirdly totally unbothered about this btw - the more I do the less she has to do...

jammi · 13/04/2008 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

edam · 13/04/2008 21:37

Interesting that couple of people assumed I'm a bitter ex-wife. Not so. As I made clear in my post, I'm talking about my own father. Let that be a warning to any men who think it's clever, funny or OK to leave their children without proper financial support.

Dads who play fast and loose with their children's wellbeing post-divorce should realise that it can affect their relationship with those children for ever.

Youcannotbeserious · 13/04/2008 22:32

Edam - Just to be clear... I didn't think you were a bitter ex-wife.... I'm just putting up one possible argument that some parents feel compelled to use the only 'weapon' they feel they have....

I'm aware of one chap whose done this (Not my DH) and I can assure you, he didn't think it was clever, funny or OK at all. He just didn't know what else to do. He's pretty much alienated from his child now anyway...

Anna - You might just find that your DH's ex doesn't feel all that 'goddess' like and that why she keeps the barrier up?

Talie - I'm not sure if any of this helps you in your current situation. Maybe the OW does feel she needs to support her partner or put on some sort of display... Maybe she's insecure and doesn't like the thought of him going alone....... Maybe she just doesn't think about it........

edam · 13/04/2008 23:04

'He just didn't know what else to do'. Well, how about NOT witholding money from his child, for a start?

mummynumber2 · 14/04/2008 09:22

I always go to my DSCs school plays, sports days etc. because they ask me to. Infact there have been a few occasions when their DM has said she will be there and hasn't been able to make it due to work commitments at the last minute so I do make an effort to be there. I also tend to be the one that makes the costumes and collects props ect so I feel justified to be there although if there are ever two performances I try to find out which one she is going to and go to the other one. I do appreciate that this is a different situation to yours and many others talie.

On a couple of occasions I've been astounded that DP's ex has sat next to me. Although we managed to talk nicely to each other and actually have a bit of a laugh together I do wonder if she feels bad about the situation. I certainly feel uncomfortable. I get on very well with my DSC's and I am less career oriented than her so have more time to do things with them. I do feel for her sometimes.

Youcannotbeserious · 14/04/2008 10:08

Edam - Sorry, I don't think his toddler had an issue with money!!! As far as I know, it was a last ditch attempt to get some sort of response.. He was hoping that, if she took him to court, he'd at least know where his child was..... It didn't work. His Ex wasn't the least bit interested in his money. She didn't want him in her life or the life of her child.........

I don't know the full story, so it's probably not appropriate to comment further...

jammi · 15/04/2008 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

madmuggle · 15/04/2008 17:42

From the other side of a fence here... As a mum whose ex's partner is a whore... If I ever find out she's coming to any event involving my children they will be withdrawn from it.

In some situations (not all, just some) there is no need at all for a merging of lives. In some situations it is better that there is no meeting at all between old and new lives. It has to be the choice of the parents. If the original poster feels uncomfortable, she should inform her ex-partner that his new partner isn't welcome and he and his partner should accept and comply.

Youcannotbeserious · 15/04/2008 17:56

Flippin' hell MM!!!!

Is she really a whore????????????????

Your ex-partner should 'accept and comply'????? Are you a Dalik???????

Do your kids spend any time at all with her?

How long has your Ex been with her?

(sorry, too many questions, I'm not stalking you )

I suppose, while I do agree that one parent should be able to say to the other 'I'd prefer this not to happen', I don't think one parent can demand the other to 'accept and comply' - I'm sure you don't ask your Ex who you are allowed to introduce to your kids (I'm not sure I dare ask you!!)

I'd never knowingly make DH's ex feel uncomfortable, but I am sure that there ae times I have done so while trying to be 'helpful'........

madmuggle · 15/04/2008 18:08

I will not tolerate her having anything at all to do with my children. At all. They've been together a year.

I would run any important introductions to the kids by my ex, and if I ever have a relationship again it will probably be an after-hours, away from the kids thing.

I'm not totally mental Just have definite boundaries on this one

Youcannotbeserious · 15/04/2008 18:18

NO, sorry, didn't mean to make you sound mental!!

  • Just the 'accept and comply' - can just imagine that on Dr. Who!!!

TBH, I find it more difficult to accept that a new partner / GF wants to be introduced to the kids so soon - DH and I waited a year before I met the kids and then I met with DH's Ex first... (I never thought that maybe she was checking I wasn't a whore!!! )

That's why I feel a bit sad for Talie - because I'm not sure how you deal with an Ex who isn't thinking 'I'm not going to put my kids through meeting this person until I know that it's a long term relationship'

How old are your kids? What happens if they want to meet her, or your ex just introduces them?

madmuggle · 15/04/2008 19:34

No need to hide, I'm very friendly and have cake (or death, but that's just my inner Eddie fan peeking over the parapet)

Accept or comply because my ex is the one who destroyed our family with the help of his whore. In fact, they destroyed two families. Unlike the whore's ex, however, I refuse to roll over and make life easy for them. I will make life easier for myself and my children, and if that means they have a harsh time of it, then so be it. They should have thought their little plans though a little better shouldn't they? I really couldn't care less if it makes his home life difficult, or complicated. My responsibilities go as far as my children and myself. They are not even on my radar unless they decide to try to pose a threat. If they do, and he goes against my wishes on this one, they'll learn yet another valuable lesson which will be entitled: How far away can an annoyed woman move in a fortnight?

As for the children wanting to meet her? No chance, as they don't know she exists. Which is the way it will stay.

random · 15/04/2008 19:59

Madmuggle I'm liking your style

Youcannotbeserious · 15/04/2008 20:20

oooohhh... Cake.......... I'm liking!!!

But, I'm guessing the kids are pretty young?

madmuggle · 15/04/2008 21:05

They're not the oldest kids going, but my eldest is very intelligent and inquisitive

Not only do I have cake, I have chocolate cake. Home-made no less

Youcannotbeserious · 15/04/2008 21:26

So, if you don't mind me asking.... why do they think daddy isn't at home any more?

Or do they think he's living alone?

DH and his ex didn't have that problem, as the kids were really too young to have to have it explained IYSWIM.... that's why I wanted to meet with her first before I met the kids.... Just thought it was better that way....

Can you see a time in the future when you might be OK to let the kids meet her? (I mean in this life, not the next!! )

Thanks for the cake - much appreciated!!!
I'm a terrible cook - my limit is chocolate crispies and flapjacks!!!