Why?

[talie101]

...do I have to have you pushed in my face sitting in the car to collect the children and have you sit opposite me watching my young dd's first plays etc?!

Why do I have to smile sweetly and pretend that everything is hunky dory for the sake of the children when I just don't want to see you (I don't hate you any more...I just don't want you there!).....why do I have to see you?....is there a law to say that you have to be in my life too and flaunted under my nose just because you are now part of my children's?

I have accepted that you made a play for my husband and won him from me. I accept that you and him have been together for a couple of years (although he is texting me saying he regrets things, grass is not greener and all the other shit that comes out of his mouth!). I have no reason to believe that you have or ever will be nasty to my children and by all accounts are a good person in my childrens lives. I accept that my exh is entitled to be at my dd's plays etc but why do I have to accept you there? Would you really make a big impact on their lives if you were not?...again I ask WHY do I have to see you? I don't want you where I am, imposing on my life, I want to keep you separate from me.....is that really to much to ask?!!!!!

Sounds like you have the moral high ground, talie101, but it's not so comfortable to sit on.

talie that sounds so sad wait til u get hunky new bloke and then u can get your revenge

didnt mean to sound patronising im just helping you see the possibilities

I can't comment on what led to your situation, and have sympathies for it. My parents divorced in c. 1975 so we've all had a long time to get used to it, but I would feel bad if my dad had ever felt that way about my step-dad, or my mum about my step-mum (or indeed vice versa). For better or worse (and in the case of my step-dad, it really was for better) they have all been a part of my life, and I value them all. Not equally of course, but I am glad to have had the chance to know them all.

Admittedly this is, as I say, from the perspective of 30-odd years, and both subsequent marriages have stood the test of time. I have no idea how I would feel if both step-parents had been and gone and been replaced in their turn.

So from my simplistic perspective, I think you've said it: "I have no reason to believe that you have or ever will be nasty to my children and by all accounts are a good person in my childrens lives." That's probably the best you can hope for, really. You can't keep her separate from you, your ex has made that decision on your behalf. (Not fair, but there it is). All you can do is be, as far as possible, unaffected by it. The whole "grass is not greener" text thing would make me smug and serene and think 'you might be about to get yours, missy, but I'll take the high road'.

It's the MN mantra: this too shall pass. It doesn't make it easier, but maybe more bearable?

Wow. Sorry, but it doesn't sound as though you've accepted it at all!

If your XH is texting as you say he is, then you must have a reasonable relationship with him..... Can you not politely ask him not to bring his new partner?

I've been with my DH for 10 years and for several years, I DID stay out of the way (even to the point of 'popping to the shops' while DH picked up and dropped off the kids so she didn't have to see me....)

It didn't do any good at all - and I'd even go to say, it's actually prolonged the time it's taken her to 'accept' me (Like you, it's grudging!)

Seriously though.... If you don't feel ready to accept it, then don't.

Chances are, this OW doesn't realise how you feel. When my DSDs were little, I went out of my way to do nice things with them and I always made sure they made her presents for mothers day / her birthday.... it's only with hindsight that I can see she absolutely hated the fact that she had to have all of thes reminders of the lovely day out her children had with me.......

Does this OW have children?

If you don't feel like smmiling sweetly, then don't. Talk to your XH and make an agreement that events you are going to, she stays away from or even (if you can) talk to her.... If you can appreciate she's good to your kids, you might see that she'd be OK to you too.... (I don't have two heads and I'm a second wife!! )

That sounds really difficult for you talie. I don't have any advice as although I'm a step-mum, it was dh who was in your position.

Can you hang on to the fact that at least she's a good person in your childrens' lives? It would be a whole lot worse if she wasn't.

Thank you for all your comments and advice.

She has one child similar age to my youngest but does not see things from my point of view as she left her partner to be with my exh properly when the divorce officially came through, and I guess understandably believes whatever he says over me.

I thought I did have a reasonable relationship with my ex and that nearly 4 years down the line we had finally become amicable!...but now (yet again) I think I see the pattern emerge....he is playing silly games to butter me up and start messing around with contact to suit himself. When he text me saying he had told her he was leaving her, regretted leaving, was in a dilemma etc and could we talk....I replied maybe we could talk but that I had moved on and that he was a liar, a cheat, and that I would never be able to trust him in that way again....the texts stopped!...and lo and behold the only thing he knows he can throw at me is to turn up with her to dd's plays etc....is he p'd off that I wont welcome him back with open arms and wants to get at me yet again, or is he trying to convince her that I'm causing trouble, lying about the texts and she has made him prove that he loves her and not me?.... The verbal abuse has started again and the threats of taking me back to Court because he missed two access visits due to dd's being really poorly...unfortunately this tied in with the above and (understandably I guess) he thinks I'm angry and preventing him from seeing his children. This is NOT true as I do not see the point of lying in any way....he flatly refuses to talk to me (I have asked him over and over to discuss problems I have had with the children re the years of verbal abuse and one episode of physical abuse in front of them!)....for some reason he cannot see the affects his behaviour has had on them and puts total blame for EVERYTHING on me....I guess he must carry incredible guilt and I should feel sorry for him!

I have also approached her and asked her to meet me to make her own judgements about me to realise that I am NOT the bitch of an ex wife that he leads her to believe and that maybe with her help that she could help him realise what he is doing to all of us....NO REPLY! I have not once (even when I hated her at the beginning of the split) caused either of them any trouble...I have left her well alone and I just think the least she could do is give me a little back by give me a little respect as a mother.

I hate the fact that we are all put into the same category....just because I was left for some other woman does not mean that I am a bitch of an ex wife!....I am not.

What more can I do?

talie you sit on the high moral ground for the well being of the children and yes its bloody hard place to be

Talie - I'm sorry you are having to deal with that...... I suppose I'm a bit surprised that she has kids....

When I first met my DH, I thought the best thing I could do would be to do nice stuff with his kids and make them feel part of our relationship and life (to be fair, that's worked out great as I get on very well with his kids) but it was only much later that I realised that she hated the fact that I got on with her kids and they with me.......

I'm not 100% sure what you can do - I'm afraid I don't think you'll get her to listen...... SHe's more likely to think you are trying to twist things...... I'm not saying she won't believe you, I just know that I wouldn't get drawn into that sort of situation with DH's ex.....

Very true YCBS but I do think it must be really hard for talie and people in a similar situation to see their kids with the person who was a significant part in breaking their relationship.

However even if the ex has not put the kids first by breaking the relationship in such a betrayal, its still so so important to put the kids first and go to the high moral ground.
It is terribly hard but children should not be made to be the victims of the mistakes/selfishness of adults.

for you talie.

I am a stepmother and I never even think of going anywhere where I might see my stepsons' mother. Our lives are quite separate, even though we live 5 minutes drive from one another. I don't want to see her and although I am a devoted stepmother I do not want to go to places (like school plays) where I have no role.

But what is she doing at the plays? Do your children want her there? Very odd behaviour. Sorry for you too, Talie.

Talie - you may not want to hear this, but I think that access visits have to happen even when children are ill.

My stepsons have never missed a visit because of illness. We can take care of them - in fact, it is my partner as often as not that does doctor/dentist etc visits.

Exactly Anna... that's what I can't understand..... I also wouldn't ever consider going anywhere that my DSDs mother would be......

Nowadays, we do meet now and again, (and I actually often look after the DSDs on my own but this will only happen on her request) but it's taken a long time IYSWIM...

But, I don't think I agree that one parent just has to suck it all up.... If you don't feel like smiling sweetly at the woman you feel broke up your marriage, then don't... Not saying you have to say anything nasty, but neither do you have to be anything other than civil...

To be fair to Talie's OW, though... it sounds as though XH is playing them both along.....

How long did it take for you to meet the ex, Youcannotbeserious?

I still don't want to. And I've been with my partner for six years .

Just wanted to add, I agree with Anna about the sickness...

It's never arisen as an 'issue' for us, so I can't be sure, but we've had the kids with all sorts of ailments and DSD2 came to us over Easter a few years back with chickenpox...... DH's Ex never asked us to cancel or switch contact (but, someone mentioned earlier: Contact and maintenance are two separate issues. It's not Pay-per-view!!)

XH sat next to DH at DDs school play this year - they did it for her - I thought it was weird - they didn't - I was in bed as ad just had operation - I said to DH did he instigate it and he said no XH did - came and sat next to him and was polte - its taken 4 years for DH not to want to kill him and XH to stop hating DH it seems - I think they did it because they would hate DD to see them scowling at each other across the heads of the other parents and I am glad they can be so big about the situation - I still can't.

It's all very well to say money and access are separate issues but a decent father would ensure he paid a fair whack to keep his children housed, fed and clothed. A dad who mucks around with his children's maintenance is a fucker who doesn't really care about their welfare or well-being. Spoken as the child of divorced parents whose father did muck about.

Talie, I feel for you, I really do.

Hi Anna!!

I met DH's ex when we'd been together for about a year.

I met her before I met the kids as we felt this would be more appropriate. Then we went through an elaborate series of meetings where she'd be with the kids and DH would be with me, and the idea is that the kids would grasp the concept that DH was with me (the kids were young)

I'm glad we at least tried to do it properly, but even after that, I still stay out of her way unless it's necessary....

Hi

Gosh, how incredibly brave of you [admiration].

I am totally not there yet - my partner has taken the children (all three) to a party tonight at which his ex will also be, with her new squeeze, but I just couldn't face showing up as a family of five including her two children, whom I have taken to the hairdresser, chosen clothes for, ensured brush their teeth and remove their blackheads ...

She obviously wouldn't care though, which is what I find so incredibly strange.

edam I am sorry your ex has been a "fucker" but that does not mean all ex's are made of the same stuff, regardless of gender.

Agree with Elenor here...

Edam - While I agree that messing around with maintenence isn't on, neither is messing around with contact....

And, I can appreciate that some parents (most usually non custodial fathers) feel that the laws surrounding maintenence are more forcefully uphelp far more rigorously than the laws surrounding contact....

In those cases, it can feel like the only bargaining tool / power the NCP has... I'm not saying it's right, I can just appreciate that it's very stressful if you cannot arrange regular contact with your children....

I went to dsd's school play last year for the first time. Her mum hated me and then some (and she had left dh for someone else) and thought I was nothing to do with dsd. But thankfully things changed last year so I was able to go. And dsd was over the moon - as I was.

I have never had a problem with seeing dh's x or being around her. For years she refused to speak to me and didn't want me around, and it didn't matter how friendly I tried to be she didn't want to know. I decided to leave her to it - just because I was OK with things it didn't mean she had to be and I let her come to me in her own time.

Dh, dd and I have just dropped dsd off and all been in for a cuppa. Funnily enough she and I were sat talking about how things used to be and how we never thought we'd be sitting on her sofa, drinking tea and having a giggle. It's much less stressful now for all of us - but most importantly it's great for dsd.

Hi Anna...

Believe me, the first time I met her, I'd had several glasses of wine!!!

It wasn't easy (though, to be fair, I don't suppose she found it a bed of roses either) but I do feel that at least she couldn't level that I was not taking my part in the kids lives seriously and I do think that's helped over the years....

We actually 'hosted' DSD1's birthday party this year and she came to our house and had a glass of wine.... It was OK, and actually a bit of a milestone for DSDs to see us socialising together (that was a first!!)

I used to get a bit uptight about her being in my house etc., but now I really couldn't care.... I suppose it works for us, because I think we understand each other well enough to know neither one of us is really trying to make the other one's life hard... We're just on opposite sides of the fence....

Hi youcannot...

Well, at the end of May my DSS1 (13) is having his Bar Mitzvah and he desperately wants me to be there... so the big day might be happening soon.

(a few technical details have to be sorted first, mind you).

I think tranquillisers might be more the order of the day than wine