Do you have to like your step-parent?

[Globetrote]

My parents separated when I was 6 and by the time I was 10 both had met new partners who they have been with ever since (I’m now 50).

DM’s partner is a fantastic person and I’m so glad I’ve had him in my life.

DF’s DW is another kettle of fish. She has a very false demeanour, would make frequent nasty comments about my skin and weight when DF wasn’t around, told me I wouldn’t be getting any inheritance, and is an all-round not pleasant person for various reasons. I’ve even seen her own family looking at her sideways at times. Never lived with them, just would stay a couple of nights ever 2 weeks in my teens etc.

Now NC with DF & DW for many years now (due to her turning him against me) but I’ve just heard (yet again)that he’s still telling anyone who will listen that I don’t like his DW.

Now, I was unfailingly friendly, polite, and welcoming to her even after a few years when I decided I didn’t like her much from about my late teens. I never let it show - I understand that she is DF’s choice of partner and that’s his choice to make, just like I chose my DH.

However, why is there an attitude that you MUST like your parents new partners? That you are a terrible person if you don’t? Surely as long as you are polite and respectful etc then why is that not enough? To be clear - his DW and I have never had an argument, been rude or horrible to each other. I’m just not keen on her, no idea what she thinks of me but certainly enough to poison my DF against me anyway.

We don’t walk into a workplace, club, school, the neighbours and insist that one MUST like everyone you encounter, so why must you like your step-parents?

I totally agree , I get on well with my df ,s wife , but my mum had a horrible partner .

Of course you don't have to like her. Why would you have to? She doesn't have to like you either. But if it were my dad, I'd make the effort to make him happy.

I don’t get this either. Step children are expected to be welcoming and accommodating and treat step parents like family, yet SPs are allow to dislike, resent, judge, exclude and compete with the stepchildren they chose to join families with because “they are allowed their feelings” and need to “set boundaries” for their “mental health”.

It’s the children who are vulnerable, emotionally immature, often traumatised and have no agency in their family unit who should be protected first and foremost.

Are you saying that OP should try harder to make her dad happy? How would you do that?
Did you read her opening post?

No I don’t think step kids should like their step parents and step parents don’t have to like their step kids. I just think respect and politeness is required from both sides until something unforgivable on either sides happens then no contact is probably best

You aren't obligated to like anyone, especially not some vile bitch like your step-mother.

Whilst I'm sure she was judgemental from what you have said, I also suspect she struggled having a teen coming in and out of the house disrupting the routines, so many step mums say their partners change when the kids arrive and expect them to dance attendance (also having had two children of my own, I know teens aren't easy!) things can be a 2 way street and we don't have her story.

One of my dc is less accepting of my dp, I met him when she was already an adult i should add, but gradually she has realised that it isn't her decision, (he's always lovely to her too!) basically tough customer.

Of course you don't have to be overly loving to your step partner but I think kids should be courteous, friendly and respectful as youngsters and once left home you can put some distance but be polite towards them.

I have a step daughter but thankfully she likes me!

Now NC with DF & DW for many years now (due to her turning him against me) but I’ve just heard (yet again)that he’s still telling anyone who will listen that I don’t like his DW.

Tbf it does sound like you don't like her?

Not to say that you're to blame, sounds like maybe she doesn't like you either...but if you are NC with your dad because 'she turned him against you'...I don't think it's inaccurate for him to say you don't like his wife

I'm going through this situation at the moment OP, so your post struck a chord with me.

I'm in my 40s and my SM has been in my life since my early teens. She's a very abrasive character to be around and has this habit of being rude and domineering but says she just speaks plainly because she's from the North. Given that she left there over 30 years ago I'm not sure that excuse works anymore! she's just a bully really. She's very religious but is a massive hypocrite as well. She has had a very chequered past, affairs with married men were no big thing to her and she deliberately got pregnant by a married man (actually admits this). She's homophobic and won't have gay people in her house. But apparently she's a good virtuous person because she's a Christian 🙄 She verbally bullies my DF. I've had numerous conversations with him over the years about this and he agrees but won't do anything to stand up for himself so I've given up. We only see her a couple of times a year and we're ultra vigilant about what she says around the kids. My DH can't stand her. If my DF goes first we won't stay in touch.

On the other hand I get on really well with my Step Dad who is an awesome individual, so level headed and easy going. Like a breath of fresh air in comparison.

I'm a SM myself and have been very conscious not the be a negative influence in my Step Kids lives

It's okay OP to say you don't like someone, even if they're in your family. It really is horrible to be the Step kid sometimes and a lot of adults forget they didn't chose the situation being forced on them ☹️

Fourthnight

"Are you saying that OP should try harder to make her dad happy? How would you do that?
Did you read her opening post?"

I was agreeing that op doesn't have to like her, but that if it would make her dad happy to know his wife was able to have a cordial relationship with his dd at family meet-ups, I would be wanting as an adult to do that for my dad.

That's a two way street though. Effort has to be made on both sides to be cordial, otherwise its a situation based on placating another person even though they behave badly.

I absolutely wouldn't have that dynamic play out in front of my kids because I don't want them to feel they have to be people pleasers.

I don't know... in my case I don't feel obliged to do any of those things to try to make make my dad happier. I am, actually, polite and respectful and generally friendly. Because general social / family cohesion is preferable to me. But my dad had an affair with this person while married to my mum, and that story is really not an uncommon one. I really feel no obligation whatsoever to try to make my dad feel happier by becoming besties with his affair partner.

I wonder if your DDad knows full well that his DW isn't a very nice person and that's why he is so defensive about you not liking her.

I read the OP as if she did try quite hard. She said she was always polite, etc. I was unfailingly friendly, polite and welcoming I think if you try hard to be warm and friendly, and get coldness and criticism back, that the problem lies with the other person.
So I'm not quite sure what else @Globetrote is meant to be doing.

Would be nice to hear the SM's point of view.. obviously it can only work if both play nice. I have an adult sd who's behaviour is exactly as op describes her SM.. I've tried so hard for my dh but as you say, takes two to tango.

And no I'm not your SM🤣

I have a SD who is very polite, and I am to her as well, but I would love a bit more warmth between us. I think we both try hard. Families can be so difficult.

Similarly my DF was with his OH for over 40 years and the same from my DM and her DH.

My SF has some challenging behaviours and is a little unusual but his heart is in the right place.
My SM on the other hand has made the last 40+ years miserable and my darling (late) Dad was anything for a quiet life. She ate away at any relationship I ever had with him and her ongoing jealousy was blatant. I lost him earlier this year and I am left greiving for him and the relationship I lost. I miss him dreadfully and finally any form of relationship I was forced to have with her is now no longer necessary.

No you dont have to like them, like you dont have to like anyone

No I don't like nor respect them. They were OW tormented my mother, impersonated my mother and emptied college bank accounts and in short is a horrible person.

I have plenty of respect for individuals who become step parenting but the status has no impact nor obligation for liking them.

And to add, I actively encourage her and her dad to spend time together. He was hers first, after all. That's the difference I think. Not getting into competition. I love my DH and he loves me, but we both place great importance on our relationships with our children. I can't help but feel for OP and others in her situation.

I get what you're saying OP and tbh your step mum doesn't sound pleasant, however...

There seems to be a common theme where it's always the step-daughter & step mum not liking each other, and the step-dad is always some wonderful human being. Again, not saying this isn't warranted in your experience but people have to realise that the step-mum 99% of the time has a MUCH harder role to play in general than the step-dad.

I don't think that's true at all and I'm a step mum myself!

It depends on the individuals in each scenario and the family dynamic. It's too simplistic to say one gender has it harder than another.

I told my 2 DC, you do not have to love her or like her but you do have to be polite and obey the house rules.
From what I am told, they did this faithfully-as cracks in their DFs and his new DPs relationship appeared, they became more vocal to me.
There is no way, knowing what i know now would i expect my DCs to have liked this woman -she was/is vile

However, why is there an attitude that you MUST like your parents new partners? That you are a terrible person if you don’t?

I've never heard anyone say you must like your step parent or that you're a terrible person if you don't. The vast majority of people I know with step parents don't particularly like them, some are civil, others don't bother with them. Most don't really class them as step parents, they're just mum or dads partner and not really that important to them.

Came here to say this. I've never heard about this expectation that you should like your step-parent. I mean you don't even have to like your biological parents. No one is obligated to like anyone.

If anything there's an expectation that step-parents have to like/love their stepkids or else they are evil, but I've never heard it the other way around.