Do you have to like your step-parent?

[Globetrote]

My parents separated when I was 6 and by the time I was 10 both had met new partners who they have been with ever since (I’m now 50).

DM’s partner is a fantastic person and I’m so glad I’ve had him in my life.

DF’s DW is another kettle of fish. She has a very false demeanour, would make frequent nasty comments about my skin and weight when DF wasn’t around, told me I wouldn’t be getting any inheritance, and is an all-round not pleasant person for various reasons. I’ve even seen her own family looking at her sideways at times. Never lived with them, just would stay a couple of nights ever 2 weeks in my teens etc.

Now NC with DF & DW for many years now (due to her turning him against me) but I’ve just heard (yet again)that he’s still telling anyone who will listen that I don’t like his DW.

Now, I was unfailingly friendly, polite, and welcoming to her even after a few years when I decided I didn’t like her much from about my late teens. I never let it show - I understand that she is DF’s choice of partner and that’s his choice to make, just like I chose my DH.

However, why is there an attitude that you MUST like your parents new partners? That you are a terrible person if you don’t? Surely as long as you are polite and respectful etc then why is that not enough? To be clear - his DW and I have never had an argument, been rude or horrible to each other. I’m just not keen on her, no idea what she thinks of me but certainly enough to poison my DF against me anyway.

We don’t walk into a workplace, club, school, the neighbours and insist that one MUST like everyone you encounter, so why must you like your step-parents?

Oh my gosh you do not have to like your parents new partners.

I'm a step mum and I'd be mortified if this was me but this is completely on her. You've been really fair. She sounds cruel and unpleasant.

I think mum’s are much more picky about who they bring into their children’s lives and want there to be a good relationship between the children and any potential step father. Dad’s don’t care how their children feel about their partner and don’t care if a partner dislikes their kids as long as they aren’t disturbed by it.

That stats don’t reflect that. Step fathers are a far greater risk to children than step mother(even horrible ones).

and no op, you don’t “have” to like anyone. You also can’t complain that your father is stating the obvious.

That just isn't borne out by the child protection stats. Step dads pose a much greater risk to a child's safety. Often they are living with the resident parent and so have more unsupervised access to young children.

So many thread on Mumsnet show how little thought is really put in by some mothers before they move their partner in or make the choice to put kids in the middle of a difficult domestic situation. The relationships board is rife with these threads.

Men are more of a danger than women full stop. The insidious damage of an uncaring step mother is more common than among step dads.

My dad's girlfriend has recently fallen out with me because I refused to endorse a plan that she had regarding my dad's birthday that I knew he'd hate.
I was polite, calm and simply explained that he wouldn't like the plan, as did my brother. She then went mad at me when I popped round to wish my dad a happy birthday. I left after 10 minutes as she has no authority over me and I'm not being shouted at!
She's now refusing to speak to either of us. To be honest, it's a joy. She never bloody shuts up???!!!

So no, you don't have your like a SP, but it is a good idea to try and be civil.

Men are more dangerous and more likely to be domestic abusers. The abuse from stepmums is more insidious and emotional so wouldn’t be recorded in child protection stats. You see it on the step parenting forum - how many step mums are jealous, resentful, avoidant and even sexually competitive with their step daughters. Can’t wait for them to leave threads and I don’t want them around threads show just how commonplace this type of dislike is.

No. But you also don't have to like your biological parent(s) either. Liking people is not compulsory.

The damage caused by “uncaring stepmothers” is by and large caused by the expectation that they will mother step children in the same way their actual mother does.

Step dads don’t need to do an awful lot to be considered great guys. The same goes for biological dads, of course.

Sexually competitive with their step daughters @StormingNorman? What do you actually mean by that?

Pahahah op have you visited this forum often?

If you have you will see that everyone pretty much hates step mothers . They get jumped on for things that simply wouldn't even raise an eye lid if it was a step dad on discussion.

The stepmother and many of the myths on here relate back to when maternal deaths were higher and step mothers were usually in place because the mother had died and dad remarried (don't anyone find it funny how the dads in fairy tales were pretty much absence and "tricked into marrying the step mother".)
Women folk were the storytellers of that age and the fairytales they told reflected the fears of mothers of being replaced.

Frankly it's not hard to see from an objective angle why they would spin the narrative of the "evil step mother".

However mums thankfully don't die at such rate anymore so the step mother role has changed but society's expectations of her haven't, and there isn't a mum shaped hole to fill any longer so the family set up is geared towards conflict.

I can't quite understand why you seem to think you have to like your step mother, if you have gotten it from anywhere it's highly unlikely it's MN.

I suspect someone has said you need to try harder with her in your RL, you mention all the horrible things she's done in your original op and then say both of you have remained polite and cordial to each other.

You don't need a load of people on MN saying yes hate your step mother, it's fine to hate her or anyone else you chose. But your adult enough to know that you can hate her and she can hate you but as long as your polite and cordial to each other. Which seems like you're doing anyway ?

I just wonder whether your expectations verses your reality of the situation is at conflict ? What exactly do you want from this set up and women ? If you want nothing and just want to spend time with your dad then why all the extra emotion to "hate" her.

You are his daughter and she is his wife. You aren't in competition with her because daughter and wife are very different roles. Neither one can usurp the other in priority (and if they do that's the man's choosing - not some evil siren of a sm who's controlling his brain with a remote)

You have free will to make choices but you are not free from the consequences of those choices.

Op life is too short to be spending this amount of energy on matters like this just my opinion mind.

As others have said, you don't have to like each other at all.

Having spoken with MANY Stepmums over the years I would imagine your Stepmum experienced the situation differently to you.

It's not always black and white and there can be many different narratives for the same situation.

Most Stepmums I speak to actively encourage the Dads to spend 1-2-1 time with their kids. The reason the Dads don't is usually their own choice. Thinking about that is painful for kids so it's far easier to blame the Stepmum!

What an absolute crock of shit.

Care to expand?

@StormingNorman I would imagine the previous poster is referring to the statistics that support that SD are more likely (by anyone in the family group) to harm their step children either verbally or psychically or both. You can Google it.

The fact that men, dad step father ect seem to only have to be breathing to be considered good dad/step father etc makes those figures fairly scary.

When mums, step mums or any female in the family - the family/societies expectations of that female is much higher to be considered a "good relation."

I say this as a mum with a child who has a step mum, and any of my exs failings as a parent don't suddenly become merged with his wife because she married him.

I don't think there's any expectation of you liking your stepmum is there? Especially not on MN. A stepmother is expected to love a stepchild like their own and treat them as such though, even to the detriment of her own children at times. Some of the things i've seen suggested to stepmums on here is mind boggling. Thankfully not so much in my rl experience.

Also @StormingNorman really? A mother puts more thought into her partner than a father does? Absolutely not. A certain kind of man will sniff out a financially independent model, sometimes younger so more eager to please, who he can thrust his housing and the hard work of raising his children on to. It works for a good few years too. Men are far, far more savvy when it comes to getting their needs met. They can spot vulnerability a mile off.
Women tend not to be as fussy and it's slim pickings out there, which is why we see thread after thread on here by women who have moved someone in (sometimes a useless dad so full circle) after a short while and regretting it just weeks later. On those threads it's common for her children not to be mentioned at all bar sex and ages in the OP until other posters ask after them.
After all society is still telling us that we are nothing much without a man.

As a stepmother myself, I would say that the stepmother's place is in the wrong. I did the best I could for my stepkids. The youngest wanted to move into my house soon after her DF did. We moved house to gain more space for her, with upheaval for my DC. I did all the school/hospital stuff etc. My SC did not see their own DM for a couple of years.
The older stepkids were adults with DC of their own. I often babysat and helped out with money. I thought we all got on well.
Once my DH died, they all cut me off. I have come across other second wives being cut off in the same way.

I really tried my hardest to get on with my DF’s wife, but she disliked me and made it very clear I wasn’t welcome in my childhood home or even phone calls to my Dad from the moment he moved her in (I was late teens and headed off to uni, so wasn’t like I was there that often) Overtime she encourage DF to go low contact with me and I was treated very much like an outsider who wasn’t wanted. She died recently and I didn’t attend the funeral. Ten years of being ignored and treated like I was irrelevant - I wasn’t going to pretend she mattered enough to travel four hours there whilst pregnant. Relationship with DF hasn’t improved, we still barely speak despite me continuing to try like a total idiot. He cut most of his family, including his parents out, on her say so.

Absolutely weak men to let a woman come between them and their children.

I’m a stepmum also and my husband would never let me come between him and his kids (I wouldn’t do that anyway) as it’s supposed to be. Kids first! His children aren’t the easiest and there has been some alienation (nothing aimed at or about me) but however frustrated I may have felt at times, the kids were the priority

Is the SM the problem or is it less hurtful to put the blame on her? Sounds like OPs DF has given his wife tacit permission to be a bitch to his daughter.

I wonder whether society will bother much with fathers at all in future.

Out of interest how do you know it was her who encouraged your DF to go low contact? I have heard from many stepmums that they are blamed for being the reason the Dads don't get in touch when in fact it's not the stepmum at all, it's just for whatever reason the Dad doesn't make the effort....

I'm so so sorry you experienced that :(

She told me that my DF had to concentrate on his new family and we were old enough not to need him like her kids do (she had a daughter who was 3 & son who was 11 when she moved in) I’d pop round when I was back in my hometown (I’d moved away to Uni) and she’d tell me DF wasn’t home. If I called or he called me, she’d be in the background trying to get his attention/cut the call short and even slagging me off so I could hear. She’d stir and claim I was mean to her even when I’d not even spoken to her, so then my DF would call me and have a go at me. I ended up cutting him off for a bit as he’d never believe me. She’d delete messages I’d sent him and intercept birthday/Father’s Day presents I posted.

I really wanted her to like me initially as I was happy my Dad had met someone

Wow! I can see how some of that could have been crossed wires/differing interpretations of situations but her intercepting presents and talking in a way you can hear her being negative about you is awful. I'm sorry this happened to you. I promise she's an outlier in the universe of stepmums!!