Don't feel like a priority

[lookingforadvicex]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post. I'm looking for some advice.

I've been in a relationship with my SO for 3 years, he is great. For background info we don't live together and he has a 9 year old daughter who he has 60-70% of the time.

Recently I've been feeling like I'm not a priority in his life. He is a massive mummies boy and I feel like his child (understandably), his parents, and football all come higher on his list of priorities than I do. I'm a very laid-back and easy going person and never get in the way of his commitments but I feel like he's taken this for granted now and doesn't make me feel special or wanted anymore. He always makes plans with his child/family and asks if I want to tag along. I feel like a spare part who piggy backs onto his plans. He never asks what I want to do, how he can make my life easier etc.

We moved in together last year but I moved back out as it wasn't making me happy. He literally left the house with the child everyday and spent the majority of his time as his parents house. I thought living together would make us feel more like a family unit however it only made me feel more separate.

It's really getting to me at the moment and its such a hard topic to bring up as I don't want it to come across like I don't want him spending time with his child and family, I just want to feel like my feelings matter and that I'm a special and valued part of his life.

But you are clearly not a special and valued part of his life, and he doesn’t care about your feelings!

That’s the truth - you’ve had it proven time and time again.

So the real question is why, WHY are you flogging this dead horse, wasting your time, when you could be finding a new relationship with someone who DOES care, DOES make you a prime part of his life - basically, someone who is worth being worh?!

You don't feel like a priority because you aren't. This is why blended families are so challenging. Obviously, his child will be first priority all the time. My Dc have often come ahead of my Dh. The difference is that they are his DC too so he;s ok with it. Leave and find someone with no DC.

Walk away and find someone who is willing to treat you as a priority and give you the time and effort you deserve. This man is not it.

My DH has one child 50% and one 100%. He also plays football and has other hobbies. I've never been made to feel like I wasn't a priority to him. We both have busy lives but he always makes time for me and makes sure we get date night and do things we both enjoy. So it is possible to be both a good father and partners.

*with!!

That sounds harsh reading it back - it’s not meant to. But seriously - dump this messer.

He likes having a girlfriend to hang out with when he can be bothered, and to have sex with. But he doesn’t give a shit about you.

That’s not on you, it’s on him. Let him carry on and be dumped time and time again until he works out why. It’s not you, it’s him. He’s just crap. Move on!!

You need to split up. This is not a relationship worth saving.

I don't think DC should come before partners all the time. The world shouldn't revolve entirely around them and the relationship needs to a priority too. This is why so many marriages breakdown or fall apart after the children leave.

It very much sounds like he has an established life that works for him, and he's asking if you want to tag along. He's not going to make you feel special or a priority to him, because you aren't. Move on OP.

Thanks for everyone's messages. Its a hard pill to swallow I must admit.

When his family and child aren't around he's all about me, but when they are I feel pushed aside.

I haven't really bonded with the child on a deeper level, admittedly I'm not the most maternal person but I also feel like my role hasn't been defined and that's partly on my SO to establish as its his child.

I totally agree that the child shouldn't be everything. If you can't juggle being a dad and a boyfriend then don't play both roles.

Sack him off.
My DH has never made me feel like this.
Obviously the child will be first priority all the time just doesn't fly here.
That's such an unhealthy attitude for anyone who wishes to conduct a serious relationship with another adult. Nobody should be first priority all the time regardless of circumstances.

He doesn't want relationship. He probably thinks he does but actions speak louder and he clearly doesn't.
Gather up your self respect and chuck him back.

See I think when he has his child it’s absolutely right that his child is priority, I’d really struggle to respect any man for whom that isn’t the case, but the other 30% should be split between his other “important people” so you, his family, hobbies etc. It’s maybe hard to understand when you don’t have children and are comparing to relationships without children in which case I think you need to find someone without a child. My daughter comes first, always, if my husband and I were to separate then that would still be the case. Any time I had without my child would then have to be split between my family, friends, dating, hobbies etc, it doesn’t leave a lot of time to divide up but that is just life as a parent.

I agree not all the time but some of the times they do. I imagine if parents separate they do want to put their child first, when they have them.

Anyway, I would never date a man with DC because I don't want to bond with someone else's child. I am just selfish that way and its OK to be selfish.

He’s not ‘all about you’ when they’re not there, he’s using you - you’re the thing that entertains him when the things he prefers to be involved with are not available!

I can’t believe you continued the relationship after having to move out when you realised you were bottom of the pile. That’s really saying - I’ll take any crumb, I’ll get out of the way here but still be available when you want a distraction.

Awful. OP get out right now, don’t allow yourself to be walked on like this.

100%, if he wasn't a present and amazing dad that would be a red flag.

I think because I don't have kids it makes it harder for me to put myself in his shoes, however I feel like we all have different roles to juggle and being a parent shouldn't mean you don't make your relationship a priority.

Also, I don’t think this is necessarily about his child - OP says he also prefers to be with his parents? And plans everything with them?

He sounds like a total mummy’s boy who hasn’t grown up despite having his own child, and is quite happy in the role of ‘son in this family’ not ‘adult building his own family’

Total waste of time!

This is really eye-opening thank you

See that’s where I think you’re wrong, my priority is my daughter. In the time I have her (if we split up) she is the most important thing. In my time without her then I would need to split that time between everybody else. Being a parent is ALL about prioritising your kids, it’s why lots of relationships struggle when kids are involved because by nature of parenthood your spouse does fall by the wayside a bit. I love my husband and he loves me, but both of us put our daughter first above all else, whatever time is left after bedtime we focus on us, but that’s all and will change as she gets older

I think its more a case of a very very overbearing mother who wants to be involved in absolutely everything in her kids lives. The fact that he didn't have the usual 'mum, dad, child' set up prior to me makes me feel like he just stuck with his parents rather than building his own family if that makes sense. This is what annoys me as we should be building our own family unit now.

Well, with your update, he just seems like a mummy's boy, so I would get rid for that reason alone. They are probably helping him with child care, so he won't change.

I wonder what the reason for split were from the child’s mother? I think quite possible she may of been pissed off with him being attached to his mother maybe?

I also don’t agree kids should always come first. Child of a single mother and I can tell you I didn’t always come first. My safety yes my bratty kid ways no. Shaped me into a well rounded adult I’d say, the world I know doesn’t revolve around me because I wasn’t put on a pedestal.

kids shouldn’t always come first. Kids wants should not come before others needs.

all of this said, again not a kid or in law problem it’s a weak man problem.

I am so proud of you for moving in and back out because it didn’t work for your happiness. Try to find the same strength to say proudly and loudly, I deserve more, I deserve to be a priority and I deserve to be wanted. Find someone who brings to the table as much as you do and be happy.

it is possible to find this with a man who has kids but arguably a little more unlikely, especially with men as they’re often parenting from a place of guilt and being a Disney dad.

Thank you so much, your message is so refreshing.

Your attitude aligns with how I feel. A child's safety and wellbeing is paramount, but they also need to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them. .

The child in question has been extremely spoilt and overcompensated (due to the parents guilt of splitting I guess) so I can only imagine the nightmares that are yet to come.

It's a very hard situation to navigate.

I really don't think it's healthy to always put kids first. Of course make sure their need are met but to always put them first isn't going to set them up well for adult life.

When you say you always put her first do you really mean that? Do you always do what she wants to do, go where she wants to go? If it's movie night and DH wants to pick a film does your DDs choice always trump his? Do you only eat her favourite foods for dinner?

You’re most welcome. If it helps you, I was a step mum until recently. Disney dad, did improve but sadly the relationship had other problems.

we separated, I cannot tell you how much instant peace this brought to my life. I’m so much happier. My time is mine. I don’t have a dread feeling every other week followed by a tired worn out but relieved my house is mine again.

it is so so nice to be away from it all. You seem to be less involved with the kid than I was, not a dig at you but that would have opened up even more issues for you I’m sure.

I cannot recommend walking away from Disney dads highly enough. It fucks with your peace and you seem to always be painted the monster.

I wish you every success in finding your happy 🥰🥰

Your child should absolutely always come first, especially when that child already lives between 2 parents, the time you’re with them should absolutely be their time with you.

I 100% mean that, but not in the ways you’re trying to argumentatively suggest. OP is complaining because of the time spent with his child & the plans they make, not because they’re having fish fingers for tea and watching Despicable Me 2 on movie night. I put her first in that my time with her IS with her and would remain that way if my husband and I were to divorce. If I only had her 60% of the time then YES that 60% would absolutely be focused on her, not in the sense of her choosing our meals or our movie nights, but in the sense that she would be there and involved in all of those things. I would already have 40% of my time not with her to prioritise seeing a boyfriend, seeing friends, going to a hobby, so that 60% of time with my child would be completely with my child.

I know people say that you shouldn't start a relationship with someone with a child unless you're prepared for what's involved, but I believe you only fully realise the full extent once you're in the relationship.

I am probably less involved than I should be, but I distant myself as a coping mechanism. I feel an overwhelming sense of annoyance when I've been around her for a long period of time (for example my SO has had her for 3 weeks so we haven't had one on one time for almost a month) Did you ever feel this way?

Glad you've found your peace too

I feel an overwhelming sense of annoyance when I've been around her for a long period of time (for example my SO has had her for 3 weeks so we haven't had one on one time for almost a month) Did you ever feel this way?

I know you are not asking me, but as a parent, this is only to get worse as she goes into her annoying teens. I could barely stand my own DC then, let alone someone else's.