Don't feel like a priority

[lookingforadvicex]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post. I'm looking for some advice.

I've been in a relationship with my SO for 3 years, he is great. For background info we don't live together and he has a 9 year old daughter who he has 60-70% of the time.

Recently I've been feeling like I'm not a priority in his life. He is a massive mummies boy and I feel like his child (understandably), his parents, and football all come higher on his list of priorities than I do. I'm a very laid-back and easy going person and never get in the way of his commitments but I feel like he's taken this for granted now and doesn't make me feel special or wanted anymore. He always makes plans with his child/family and asks if I want to tag along. I feel like a spare part who piggy backs onto his plans. He never asks what I want to do, how he can make my life easier etc.

We moved in together last year but I moved back out as it wasn't making me happy. He literally left the house with the child everyday and spent the majority of his time as his parents house. I thought living together would make us feel more like a family unit however it only made me feel more separate.

It's really getting to me at the moment and its such a hard topic to bring up as I don't want it to come across like I don't want him spending time with his child and family, I just want to feel like my feelings matter and that I'm a special and valued part of his life.

Oh I fully agree you don’t know what you’re getting into. My ex before I met the kids told me and I loved it, I would come first, we would come first because without us having a steady and secure relationship we have no family. Oh it was so far from the truth!

no there is no should or shouldn’t it’s what’s right for you. For me, we lived together. Had kids EOW and in holidays, tea in the week. I did do a lot. I would think about what to feed them, get it in, cook it, wash up. Wash clothes, go halves on everything. Plan any and all days out. I kinda accepted the kids only saw him 4 days in a month so I was happy to take a back step within reason. My within reason was 9pm bedtime. I wanted an hour just us before we went to bed. God was that a battle! Eventually he agreed but it took weeks. We had time together when the kids were around but it was different and every time without fail we’d have the weekend, I’d wait for him to be a dad he wouldn’t, I’d parent his kids for my own sanity, they’d leave. I’d tidy my house and then we’d argue for 3/4 days about shit that happened at the weekend. It was a never ending cycle. So Wednesday night pre arrival I’d be thinking about what the weekend would bring, weekend came, then Wednesday / Thursday of the following week we’d fight. I have 3 respite from it then we’d be back to the Wednesday night sinking feeling. It just got me down and I hated it. They weren’t bad kids, they were spoilt and I do think they should of been doing / understanding more by their ages. I did fix a lot to prep them for being adults but it’s no longer my bother. Then add the ex to the mix fucking up our time and my ex unable to set boundaries. It was just awful start to finish so I FULLY understand

Doesn't sound great, totally get your frustrations.

We were planning on buying a house together, as when I moved into his he didn't adjust his lifestyle for me whatsoever. So my thinking was that if we start afresh in a new house for both of us the feeling might be different, but after what you've said I now feel like it might make things worse as I will be living with the child half the time.

id love to be wrong but I am certain it would make it worse. He has shown you who he is, believe him.

right now, he makes plans and doesn’t involve you, communicates his decision and gives you a pity invite.

imagine living together with a shared asset, you tried without a financial asset at stake and it didn’t work. He will make plans and decisions around you, you will be expected to go along with it. Imagine it will be pandering to his child and inviting his mother round frequently. Is this something you could be trapped in because you purchased together?

im interested to know, have you told him how you’re feeling? I am all for not denying someone the opportunity to fix something. He may be blissfully unaware. If you talk and he starts including you in his plan making and making you feel part of his family then that might be what you need. Does he take on board any suggestions you make re his child?

let me tell you now, living with a man who lets his child disrupt your life / home despite your repeated objections will grow frustrating real quick!

Children shouldn't always be the priority, they must be safeguarded, protected, supported etc, but they shouldn't always be the number one (as long as those needs are being met!). Personally I think a healthy balance for a child is to be part of a family, to realise that they aren't always going to be number 1.

I'd walk away to be honest, he hasn't got the balance right and I wonder if he ever will. It sounds like you've tried, but I'd try elsewhere!

OP isn't saying he shouldn't be spending the time with his child. But he's making plans and not involving his partner and she's just being asked to tag along as an afterthought. Why can't he discuss plans with his partner? "Hey, what do you fancy doing this weekend?". The child would still be included but OP would actually have a say in plans and feel like her opinions and wants counted.

Most of the focus is on my DSD when she's with us and we only ever make plans as a couple when she's at her mum's. But my DH will discuss plans with me, not DSD. If it was up to my DSD we'd be ice skating every weekend but sometimes if we've had a busy week at work we just want to chill, in which case our wants come before hers. Most weekends we are doing something fun like ice skating, soft play, swimming etc. but not all the time. And I'm never just told "this is what we're doing if you want to tag along". The way OPs partner is going about things is all wrong.

OP I echo what @EG94 says.

I tried so hard to build a family unit (I have a DC also), and we had a bumpy ride. We got married, me foolishly thinking that it would make us more of a family; it didn’t.
In the end I got sick of it always being me who made the effort whilst he just did what he wanted (or what his ex wanted). I stepped back and made him deal with everything when his DC is here, it made me feel less of a mug but I hate it, we feel so divided.

I have the same issue regarding plans. And that his DM knows about everything before me. Yet I wouldn’t describe him as a mummy’s boy, he generally gets irritated by her and they clash a lot.

Of course, I have a DC myself and Co parent, and I’m a stepchild, so I knew what I was letting myself in for... Like hell I did! It’s absolutely nothing like anything I’ve ever known!

If you haven’t already told your DP how you feel then absolutely do, give him a chance. But if you have already tried, then walk away before you get tied in further.
If he knows you feel excluded and he’s carrying on anyway, then it won’t get better.

Thanks for all the messages everyone. My partner currently has his parents staying with him as overbearing MIL doesn’t want to go back to her house due to arguments with her other child…

I’ve decided to stay at mine, can’t be dealing with a pity party for the MIL. So I’ve messaged my partner and told him how I felt, he said he’s sorry and will work harder at making me feel like a priority. We’ll have a proper conversation about it when I see him in person, however I’m going to be less accommodating now and do more of what I want to do with my friends and family.

Ask yourself why you have stayed in a relationship with a man who doesn't seem to be bothered if your around or not? Don't you think you deserve more? Has no one ever made you feel like you are the most special person in the world so you think this is as good as it gets? You have one life and you've spent 3 years of it feeling resentment. Leave him to it. Set yourself free and you at least have a chance of meeting someone who will adore you.
Hes seen what you will tolerate so the dynamic you have will not change. You are the person he can think about the least and yet hang around waiting for him. It will be impossible to change his mindset now.

He means he’ll work harder at pretending, then?

Please OP, consider leaving. In a good, real relationship, you realise that this notion of ‘priority’ wouldn’t even cross your mind? You’d just naturally feel happy, respected, part of a team. That’s so far from what you have here that I don’t even think you grasp what it’s supposed to look like.

His mother is the icing on the cake. You also realise that if he did ever start to grow up and develop a real adult relationship with you, to start operating as a team with YOU, his mother would be furious and do her best to get right back in the middle, to pull it apart?

You’re literally wasting your best years. That is the lamest, fakest thing I’ve ever heard - he’ll do his best not to actually change, but to make you feel that you’re a priority. I guess it goes without saying that you aren’t, never will be, and the best he can offer is to try to cover it up more.

It sounds like he's too busy for a relationship.
It'd be different if he was an every other weekend dad, but if he's parenting in most of his free time I'm not sure where you expect him to fit you in really.
Reducing seeing family or stopping the football hobby could be an option, but I'd imagine you'd still find the time parenting takes too intrusive.

OP, you are accepting so little that you must have zero self esteem.

@EG94 has written well about how one sided relationships like this can be.
You could definitely do with some counselling to help you figure out why you think you deserve only crumbs.
Buying a house with him would be batshit.

Do you really want to be more involved with his mother?
Dump him, do some therapy, move on, find someone who treats you as a priority, preferably without children.

You sound very resentful of the child. I can’t remember if you said how old they were but if they are young your annoyance will only get worse when they are teens.

if you feel like a tag a long to plans maybe it’s because your DP realises you don’t particularly like his child so plans without you but wants you to come along so invites you.

why don’t you show some willingness to accept and bond with his child and you plan a day trip or some activities for you all that are child friendly. The child already knows their dads life doesn’t revolve around them because they live elsewhere part of the time.

Kids should always come first.

I think he's shown you very clearly where his priorities lie. It doesn't sound like an equal partnership in any sense. I think you can do much better OP 💐

As a single mum to a now adult daughter I have always put her first! Boyfriends have not liked her being my priority and I have walked away… it sounds like this relationship is meeting your needs and expectations though so it may be the time to walk away

People marry or fall in Love for all sorts of reasons which fills a need. This sounds like it fills a need for a housemother. How infuriating. I should step back and make a few mental notes about what you like about this arrangement. If you already moved out once, believe it. Time to take back your power. Dont beg, just disappear and see if he notices.