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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Fed up *Money related*

52 replies

Toooldtoworry · 15/07/2024 08:41

I'm step-mum. I earn quite well. DH's income has halved after being made redundant multiple times during covid.

DSS Mum was working part-time and has now resigned.

She has advised DH that she is waiting for her benefits to come through.

DSS is going to secondary school this year and will need a whole new uniform.

DSS Mum has been telling DH that we need to buy him his new uniform this year (comes to about £300/£350 when factoring in blazers, logo'd PE Kit, shoes, etc). She's also mentioned that DSS wants a PS5 for Christmas.

We save monthly for his school clothing as we contribute as and when he needs new shoes, etc. We also save into a Birthday/Christmas pot to a set budget per person so we can make sure we have money to do it. We don't have PS5 money.

DH contribution to the household is about 1/4 of our household income and so if DSS wants extra it's always me picking up the bill. I know we're a team but I'm getting frustrated with the exes demands.

For context we have 5 kids between us and his ex assumed we'd leave our home to DSS in it's entirety, amongst other ideas that involve me contributing huge amounts of my earnings/savings/property to DSS.

DH and I do talk about this, and he is mostly on the same page but he doesn't see that I always end up spending out for the expensive DSS things.

Sorry it's long. Needed the anonymous rant.

OP posts:
EG94 · 15/07/2024 09:02

why is the uniform cost solely down to you guys? They should be going halves on this. It is not right that you guys are funding her life choices. I don’t know the childcare split or maintenance amounts.

you mentioned being on the same page but your hubby doesn’t seem to have told her the boundaries I.e do not make financial demands of me and expect me to find your benefit lifestyle.

lastly if he doesn’t see it is you spending on his child, stop spending maybe then he will see. Make an excuse if you need.. oh I want to do x y or z so putting some money aside for you. I can’t afford to subsidise your ex wife’s demands in prioritising me over her. See how he reacts to that.

he seems to have a very good deal with you OP

ZenNudist · 15/07/2024 09:04

So the other 4 kids are yours from a previous marriage?

HellonHeels · 15/07/2024 09:07

Your DH needs to get to work to source and pay for affordable uniform.

Second hand, supermarket basics etc. Not your job to do it. Sounds a bit like he's coasting and waiting for you to pick everything up including the bill.

Now would be a good time for him to warn DSS that you can't afford to buy a PS5 for Christmas.

CandiedPrincess · 15/07/2024 09:07

Why are you funding your DSS? That's not your responsibility. Your DH should pay what he can afford based on his income, not yours.

CandiedPrincess · 15/07/2024 09:07

Your DH needs to get to work to source and pay for affordable uniform.

Also not DH's full responsibility. He should pay half for affordable uniform, not the whole cost.

HellonHeels · 15/07/2024 10:28

CandiedPrincess · 15/07/2024 09:07

Your DH needs to get to work to source and pay for affordable uniform.

Also not DH's full responsibility. He should pay half for affordable uniform, not the whole cost.

Yes, totally agree, but as the DSS's mum sounds selfish (at best) he needs to crack on.

pinkyredrose · 15/07/2024 10:31

Stop paying. You have other children to pay for. School must have a hardship fund that the ex can use.

What would your husband do if you weren't around?

Sunshineafterthehail · 15/07/2024 10:34

Been there bought the t shirt. My ex was off sick awaiting surgery before he could go back... Cms was basic as all he had.. Ex demanded 2 £80 branded coats for their 2 ds's under 10...15 years ago a lot of money. When he said he couldn't she stopped contact. For years.

One dc was disabled and she got extra money for him so she wasn't skint... If they had really needed a coat she could have got 1 from Asda! She moved away and he didn't even know where they were for a time. We split so not sure if it got sorted.

Starseeking · 15/07/2024 10:36

How can your DH not see that you are finding 75% of your household?!? Confused

Rather than tell him, I would show him.

List out all your monthly expenditure, including child specific costs for each of the 5 children.

List out where the money is coming from, which should how the split between you.

Explain to him that he need to manage his EXDW expectations in relation to costs, as you cannot fund her every whim. While you are happy to go halves on necessities, you and your DH need to make a joint decision as to whether you fund luxuries (PS5 springs to mind!) before he agrees to them, given your income is facilitating this.

If he refuses to do that, you refuse to pay, or the resentment you build up will end up wrecking your marriage.

DearestGentleReader · 15/07/2024 11:14

For context we have 5 kids between us and his ex assumed we'd leave our home to DSS in it's entirety, amongst other ideas that involve me contributing huge amounts of my earnings/savings/property to DSS

Some people have no self respect.
Seems like she's decided that you are a resource available for her to plunder. What gave her that idea? I'd be asking DH some serious questions about how much of his wife's financial business he is disclosing to his ex.

You are a team insofar as both need to work together to look after your family in your home. That's what marriage is.
What's being expected of you isn't teamwork, it's bullshit and it needs to stop. Your own children are your priority.
This idiotic woman needs to start prioritising her own child and your DH needs to start working on his "No" muscles, with zero further engagement.

Flopsythebunny · 15/07/2024 11:54

Toooldtoworry · 15/07/2024 08:41

I'm step-mum. I earn quite well. DH's income has halved after being made redundant multiple times during covid.

DSS Mum was working part-time and has now resigned.

She has advised DH that she is waiting for her benefits to come through.

DSS is going to secondary school this year and will need a whole new uniform.

DSS Mum has been telling DH that we need to buy him his new uniform this year (comes to about £300/£350 when factoring in blazers, logo'd PE Kit, shoes, etc). She's also mentioned that DSS wants a PS5 for Christmas.

We save monthly for his school clothing as we contribute as and when he needs new shoes, etc. We also save into a Birthday/Christmas pot to a set budget per person so we can make sure we have money to do it. We don't have PS5 money.

DH contribution to the household is about 1/4 of our household income and so if DSS wants extra it's always me picking up the bill. I know we're a team but I'm getting frustrated with the exes demands.

For context we have 5 kids between us and his ex assumed we'd leave our home to DSS in it's entirety, amongst other ideas that involve me contributing huge amounts of my earnings/savings/property to DSS.

DH and I do talk about this, and he is mostly on the same page but he doesn't see that I always end up spending out for the expensive DSS things.

Sorry it's long. Needed the anonymous rant.

Your husband need to Increase his earnings so that he can not only support his children but also contribute more fairly to his current household. Can't he get an evening /weekend job to supplement his income?
Is there a reason that you know of why the mother has resigned from her job because she won't be entitled to benefits unless there is.

Original poster
Toooldtoworry · 15/07/2024 12:22

ZenNudist · 15/07/2024 09:04

So the other 4 kids are yours from a previous marriage?

I have 2 from a previous marriage (grown) and he has two from a previous partner (grown). We have none together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toooldtoworry · 15/07/2024 12:33

Flopsythebunny · 15/07/2024 11:54

Your husband need to Increase his earnings so that he can not only support his children but also contribute more fairly to his current household. Can't he get an evening /weekend job to supplement his income?
Is there a reason that you know of why the mother has resigned from her job because she won't be entitled to benefits unless there is.

Show quote history

So. My husbands previous job was very manual, split shifts, long hours, weekends, etc. He has found a job (after multiple redundancies) that is 8-4 Monday to Friday. Salary is shit but we have DSS eow and for dinner in the week.

Ex has three children with autism. Eldest she is 'carer' for. I know nothing about benefits but she's told DH she'll get additional benefits.

Also re: our finances, I doubt she'll know how much I earn for sure but she'll know I make reasonable money because of the work we're having done on the house, etc. DSS is naturally going to talk about life here when he goes home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toooldtoworry · 15/07/2024 12:36

Also I should add DH has previously earnt double my previous earnings and paid more into the home, it's only been in the last two years that I've been able to earn as much as I have.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 15/07/2024 13:08

I think it’s fair that household expenses are split proportionate to income with DH contribution unweighted to reflect the time his son is with you. Gifts and other DSS expenses shouldn’t be paid for by you at all.

Flopsythebunny · 15/07/2024 13:34

Toooldtoworry · 15/07/2024 12:33

So. My husbands previous job was very manual, split shifts, long hours, weekends, etc. He has found a job (after multiple redundancies) that is 8-4 Monday to Friday. Salary is shit but we have DSS eow and for dinner in the week.

Ex has three children with autism. Eldest she is 'carer' for. I know nothing about benefits but she's told DH she'll get additional benefits.

Also re: our finances, I doubt she'll know how much I earn for sure but she'll know I make reasonable money because of the work we're having done on the house, etc. DSS is naturally going to talk about life here when he goes home.

Show quote history

So he needs to either find a better paid job or get an evening job for the evenings the child doesn't come for tea.
My husband left in the 1980's when I was pregnant with my 2nd. I had to work office hours Monday to Friday. 3 evenings per week I would have to get home, give them tea, bath and bed then I would be out working behind a bar while a neighbours 17 year old baby sat.
You do what you need to do to support your children

Original poster
Toooldtoworry · 15/07/2024 13:42

StormingNorman · 15/07/2024 13:08

I think it’s fair that household expenses are split proportionate to income with DH contribution unweighted to reflect the time his son is with you. Gifts and other DSS expenses shouldn’t be paid for by you at all.

That's pretty much how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toooldtoworry · 15/07/2024 13:47

Flopsythebunny · 15/07/2024 13:34

So he needs to either find a better paid job or get an evening job for the evenings the child doesn't come for tea.
My husband left in the 1980's when I was pregnant with my 2nd. I had to work office hours Monday to Friday. 3 evenings per week I would have to get home, give them tea, bath and bed then I would be out working behind a bar while a neighbours 17 year old baby sat.
You do what you need to do to support your children

Show quote history

So not the exes responsibility to get a job to support her own children?

She was fully able to work before.

OP posts:
Merryades · 15/07/2024 14:00

Op, there is a uniform grant for people on benefits or low income. I think it’s about £70 per child. The ex will have to apply for it and the money will go into her bank account .

Merryades · 15/07/2024 14:00

Op, there is a uniform grant for people on benefits or low income. I think it’s about £70 per child. The ex will have to apply for it and the money will go into her bank account .

HellonHeels · 15/07/2024 14:01

Toooldtoworry · 15/07/2024 13:47

So not the exes responsibility to get a job to support her own children?

She was fully able to work before.

Show quote history

Yes of course it's her responsibility, but (in common with thousands of deadbeat fathers) she is shirking it, giving up work, refusing to pay for things etc.

So in that circumstance, your DH needs to do what the thousands of single mothers do and pick up the slack. Or see his child go without.

And by picking up the slack, I do not mean sponging off you to pay for it.

Original poster
Toooldtoworry · 15/07/2024 15:49

Merryades · 15/07/2024 14:00

Op, there is a uniform grant for people on benefits or low income. I think it’s about £70 per child. The ex will have to apply for it and the money will go into her bank account .

Thank you.

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 15/07/2024 18:56

CandiedPrincess · 15/07/2024 09:07

Why are you funding your DSS? That's not your responsibility. Your DH should pay what he can afford based on his income, not yours.

100% this. Not your problem or responsibility.

HappyStep1 · 15/07/2024 19:24

When you're a step you always end up paying towards aspects of your DPs child costs, just what it is.
However, it is not your responsibility to provide this expense, I'd be annoyed in your position.
The mum needs to understand your income is not to be factored in to any calculation.

Moredrama · 15/07/2024 19:25

OP you need to make it clear to your DH that you aren’t funding a PS5, so unless he and his ex can scrape the money together he needs to prepare his DS for that.
Or if his birthday is close to Christmas, make it a joint present, and manage his expectations.
Another approach you could take, if you could afford it and it’s not massively more than the budget, would be to buy the PS5 and gift it from the two of you only (not a mention of mum) and insist it stays at your house. Obviously this would be the last option, if the guilt would feel worse for you than standing your ground.

Regarding school uniform, that’s a very high cost, so I am wondering how many jumpers/blazers/etc you’re planning on buying. I’d keep it to one of each, buy the shoes and tell mum she needs to pay for shirts, stationery, bag, etc. I know it’s still not fair on you to take the lions share, but if there’s a risk he won’t get what he needs, it’s not fair to send him into a new school without what he needs.

Agree that you will only help fund necessities, everything else is his and his exes responsibility to fund.

I feel your frustration as I’ve had similar with my DH and his ex, though I don’t personally fund things, the “above and beyond” so ex has her money to herself, restricts our household funds.