My OH has no boundaries

[Usernameabcdwxyz]

My OH has his children for 3 weeks now because of summer holidays we have been together almost 3 years now but decided to take it slow with the children.
so from May I have spent time with them. Tonight we were at a party together but DD8 said I could only sleep in her bed because she was sleeping with Dad. He said nothing against this so I went home feeling angry.as their mum has had 4 boyfriends in this time and is now pregnant with the latest after 4 months together. They sleep in their own room when they are with their mum, but don’t when they are with dad. Part of me understands but OH won’t tell them to sleep in their beds so I end up sleeping alone.

So he lets the kids make the rules? Absolutely not. You need to nip this in the bud. He needs learning the word no.

Yes. That’s how it feels. I stayed over two weeks ago and DD8 came down and said we are watching TV now daddy is alone. She knows exactly what she is doing.

Also, look up mini-wife syndrome.

She's a child. She will obviously try and have her way if he allows it. He's the adult here. He needs to be the one to set the rules and have boundaries with her.

I’d be getting the ick real quick

To be honest OP I’d be reconsidering this relationship if after taking to him nothing changes. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt as a step parent is that you and your DP have to be on the same page about things with their DC and they need to be open to your views and suggestions. This dynamic with his DD needs nipping in the bud right now and if he doesn’t it’ll only get worse,

She probably dies know exactly what she’s doing, but she won’t understand why, or the possible consequences. She’s in self preservation mode because both of her parents seem to care more about other people than her. She has no need or desire for all these new step parents and siblings in her life and this situation isn’t good for her, so expect her to continue to act up. Behaviour is communication, and she basically trying to tell her Dad that she is insecure and unhappy.

Your DP is in an impossible situation if this relationship continues because he’ll either have you thinking that hes not strict enough with his dd or his dd feeling like she has to fight for his love.

You are foolish to be tolerating this.
He's a Disney dad.

Very foolish of you to waste your time.
Leave him to his children, it will never improve.

This 8 year old child's mother is on her 4th boyfriend and now pregnant, her father has a girlfriend who's around during her time with her father - none of which she asked for.

Any chance of looking at it from an 8 year old's point of view before getting angry at a no doubt confused and insecure child.

Ltb or your status will always be bottom of his pile.

He lets dd do as she wants do his ex doesn't kick off.
So it's him
His dd
His ex
You..
Aren't you worth more? Not enforcing boundaries and rules raising dc is a whole lot of crappy parenting imo.

Their mum's life has shit all to do with you

DD is crying out for time alone with her father. Why don’t you leave them to it and make other plans for when he has her?

Also, he has boundaries, they are just different from yours. Watching tv or sharing a bed with his 8yo DD is not not having boundaries. You are sexualising it because you are jealous and competing for affection.

You’re confused that her relationship with him is different to yours.

To be fair I'm assuming they don't get that much time with their dad, they are crying out for attention off him.

Go home and let him spend time with them.

Exactly this.

I am not around a lot when they are with him. I consciously stay away and let them have time together.
There are a few other things giving me the ick. DD constantly playing games on the mobile phone and she barely eats.
What was worse last night was my own DD26 was getting angry with me that I was going on holiday with him next week.
So I’m just been torn apart by children just now including my own who doesn’t want me to have a relationship with anyone but she is an adult and living with her BF 40 miles away and accuses me of making no time for her. I have a full time job, a dog and a house to look after.
I won’t be going on holiday with them now, OH has no interest in talking with me today. I guess that was the quick way to end it.

You need to turn off your phone and drop the rope.
Leave your boyfriend to it and tell your daughter not to speak to you like that again or don't bother calling you.

You sound like a doormat.
They are never treated well.
Time to assert yourself.

Yes I know I’m a doormat. Currently in therapy because of what 20 years of my previous partner did to me. He died 4 years ago and I’m trying to get my life back.

You are being mean about an eight year old who’s struggling to adjust while your own adult daughter isn’t doing a great job of adjusting either. A child playing on a phone gives you the ick but you cancel a holiday because your daughter has the hump.

You have perfectly demonstrated the difference in attitudes towards step children vs bio children and the level of tolerance and consideration given to their needs.

OP if you and your partner decide to resolve things, you need to agree some boundaries.
Yes his DD is only a child but they need boundaries not to be allowed to make the rules just because their parents are separated.
The first time you had to sleep alone you should have made it clear that you wouldn’t be around until he changed his approach and made it clear to DD that it’s normal for adults to share a bed and when you’re there you will stay in his bed not her (which really by that age is becoming inappropriate regardless of whether he has a partner or not). This needs to be the one of first boundaries you set.

In terms of her playing games all the time and barely eating, this can be pretty standard, though annoying. Just ignore it.

I know how though it can be, honestly if your DP can’t support you and set some boundaries then he’s not for you, because it’s hard enough being a step parent without those issues.

Regarding your daughter, remind her that she’s an adult and living with her partner and she should understand that you want that too. She has no right to guilt trip you just because you’re not available when she wants your time - I’m sure there are plenty of times you’d like to see her but she’s busy.

I haven’t cancelled the holiday because of my DD. He hasn’t been in touch all day. Ignored my messages. I hope he did something nice.
This would have been my first holiday with him as he uses all his leave for his DD.

What day are you due to go on holiday?

Next Saturday. Luckily it’s nothing I’ve had to pay for. His parent‘s holiday house and only around an hour away.
I was looking forward to a break from work but will just spend it at home.

All I can say is it is good it has happened now and not while we are on holiday.
I know I was particularly upset yesterday because of the things my DD was writing to me.
We did have plans this evening and for this reason I have no food in but nothing from him at all. So I guess it’s takeaway for me tonight.

Is he a dog she needs to train or something?