They’re not your kids …

[Arewealljustloosingtheplot]

‘They’re not you kids so why do you care’

direct quote from husband when I was in trouble for being ‘too aggressive’ in a convo about where to go to college. They are super clever but lazy and I feel are selling themselves short.

funnily enough, I’m allowed to care when it comes to doing their washing and paying for the food shopping and whatnot.

not looking for advice, some solidarity would be nice ( the -‘ you knew he had kids’ brigade can sod off- this isn’t the place for you)

Solidarity here . Being a step parent is hard and unless you have been one yourself it's hard to understand .

Solidarity here too - I didn’t quite get that response but definitely was made clear that I needn’t try to have any involvement… even though neither parent has tertiary education or any clear idea about what is involved… so clearly some guidance would be helpful… same thing… clever but just no self discipline.

Solidarity here. But I get it from the kids mother regularly so I now have NC unless of course she wants me to look after the children because she or the children are ill.

Oh what a dick. Solidarity. It’s my kids who are in a lazy stage right now and I love that my DP gives a shit. They’re lucky to have so many adults around who care.

Funny how our caring is ok financially and general dogs body but as soon as it’s about correction or discipline suddenly not our kids not our problem then we’re cunts when we go with that thought process. I don’t think I’ll ever do it again if I can help it.

Yep agree! Can't care too much when it comes to washing/ cooking and organising... just had a little chat with my DH about how I won't tolerate being mugged off by a 10YO in my own house!

Not a Stepmother or stepchild but a woman who's (stbx) partner has always ignored her voice but not her house care abilities.

#solidarity

have you pulled him up on his comments? Solidarity, that is shit of him.

Now you are free to not do your husband's chores for him or pay for his kids. When he whines, quote his words back to him.

Fine if that's what he wants. If he wants you not to care then the washing, the chores, paying for them, that's all included. So that stops now

Not your kids when it comes to cooking, cleaning, washing, lifts either, then.

Step back, OP. I did it years ago and it was the best thing for my own mental health.

They might not be yours biologically, but you have helped raise them. I mean no disrespect but your DH is being a bit of a bellend if you don't mind me saying.

Basically he's saying, "Give me and my children your money and shut up."

Think about that, OP.

Solidarity💐That is one highly disrespectful husband.

Solidarity from me too. Ask him if he would be happy for any grandparents, uncle, aunts, close friends to have an opinion. I’m sure that they weigh in from time to time. So why should the step parent behave differently. I was talking to a friend last night (with adult children) who said how grateful they all were for all the help and advice she had given them since she had been in their lives.

Don't do any more shitwork for them. It stops now.

Don’t do anymore washing, cooking etc leave it to your DH. Although I guess educational decisions aren’t really in your remit same with medical so maybe he thinks you have overstepped.

Solidarity from me. When sd was being really and truly awful I was told to stay out of it. After years of having an opinion I suddenly didn't have.
So I stayed out of everything, including cooking. We often ate separate one weekend night due to my daughters work, time sd was due back so I let him do lot for her.
I learnt to relax in the end and leave him to it

Make him eat his words, he's set it all up for you, you have to do it.

God - all the best. So rude

I've always let my kid's stepdad discipline my two.. as he's enriched their lives in so many ways and helped bring them up. They've never had a problem at all with it. The only time I'd have a problem is if I felt he disciplined them differently to his own children.

Did he say it in front of them?

Either way, what a complete dickhead. This is your opportunity to stop doing anything you don’t want to because they’re not your kids after all.

Do you have kids that aren't his? I hope he cares about them as much as you care about your step kids. They are children within your care... of course you care about their options and life choices.

What did you say or do that he felt was too aggressive? If it’s just taking an interest and encouraging them to meet their potential, then I’d expect an apology. If he called that aggressive then he’s a dick. If you were trying to force your views on them, shouting saying they were lazy, then you need to take a step back.

The thing with lazy kids is, even if they have the ability to do a better course at college, if they’re lazy, they’ll still be lazy, not do the work and end up with not great results, giving it up or getting kicked off the course.

Sometimes you are better to let them do something else that they will actually do and pass. They may regret it later but sometimes they’re just not mature enough to realise that now. And some people stay lazy/laid back and are happy to stay that way and not push themselves ever.

It can be hard as you just want the best for them but I think you’re best showing encouragement, but then standing back, that goes for parents not just step parents.

Tell their dad to do their washing if you’re expected to do it and he should be covering their costs too.

What don’t you like about their choice of college?