Haven't met DSC mum, no plans to.

[Idontthinkiwill]

I've been with DH for 7 years, married for 2. DSC are all teens now (or very nearly) but were primary school age when we first met. I have a good relationship with them, they are always welcome here and we do things together as a family. But I've never met their mum. I don't have any contact with her, all practicalities like organisation and communication are done through DH.

At first she was very confrontational and basically said I had to meet her so she could tell me (and DH) what I was and wasn't allowed to do when DH had the kids. When I said I wouldn't be a part of that she withheld contact, threatened to go to court / call the police etc. She's stopped doing that now but is still very obstructive when she wants to be so it just is what it is.

She has never come to the house and she has never met our shared DC.

For what it's worth DSC have never mentioned it and are not at all bothered. She is not at all a taboo subject in our house - the kids talk about her in passing all the time. I have never once said a bad word about her - in fact I very often play devil's advocate for her when one of them is having a moan! I just have zero interest in meeting her, or feel that I have any obligation to - and at this point there doesn't seem to be much to be gained from it.

I know other stepparents who do a lot of the drop offs and communication side of things, even having mum contact them directly not their partner, so I realise I'm in the minority. I guess I'm looking for any others who haven't met dSC mum - what does that look like for your family dynamics, and do you ever see a time when things will change. Is there anything wrong with just... not??

I'm 25+ years on from this stage!

My DSC were late primary when DH and I got together. DH did 100% of the liaising with his exW regarding the DC so his exW and I had no relationship, not a good one or a bad one, just nothing, except for listening to DH's occasional complaint! There was never any obstruction or confrontation on anyone's part though.

Now the DSC are late 30s and have children of their own. We do see DH's exW at family events and bump into her occasionally with no issues, in fact, as we have GC we both love, we have that in common which is quite bonding. I sat next to her at a recent family event & we chatted like perhaps old neighbours or colleagues might.

I have never seen / treated my DSC the same as my own DC but have behaved more like a kindly aunt perhaps, a extra support or ear. We have a nice relationship & I enjoy and love them.

There is hope!

I'm also further down the line op and understand how you feel.. I will say though that my children really, really love the fact that my dh now takes their dad to football with him.. and that we are all able to get on.

Thanks for all your replies - it's really reassuring to know that not meeting isn't something that has to be a drama. I sometimes get the impression that my decision to stay separate has always been looked at a bit funny and something that I should just 'get over' for the sake of some unspoken rule. But I agree with all those that have said there's really no need - especially likes the point that my relationship is with the kids, not their mum. We do have a nice relationship, I don't think there's any problem with the way it is.

In regards to weddings etc I suppose we'll cross that when we come to it, although dSC have always been pretty independent and I'm not sure they'll be sad if I wasn't there! Their mum and dad will be there and that will matter to them above all.

I sometimes get the impression that my decision to stay separate has always been looked at a bit funny and something that I should just 'get over' for the sake of some unspoken rule.

There is no unspoken rule.

My mum and first step-mother got on. The second one was so foul, relatives threatened to harm her if she came near any of us.

I haven't met my SC mother. First she didn't want to meet me and then she decided to act foul. As SC is in their teens there is no reason for communication.

In regards to weddings etc I suppose we'll cross that when we come to it, although dSC have always been pretty independent and I'm not sure they'll be sad if I wasn't there!

OP in regards to weddings if the children get on with you they will invite you.

I've only met some of the friends I have known since childhood long time step-parent at either the planning of their wedding or at the wedding itself.

I know for a fact in lots of cases that the step-parent and the parent haven't met before. In most cases it is because there is no reason for them to communicate, and in some cases it because one parent still has a lot hatred towards their ex.

Graduations are different as it depends on whether the adult child wants to go, how many tickets they can get and which parent(s)/relatives they think helped them.

I think it would be polite to at least say hi or wave to her at drop offs.

My (nasty) ex is desperate for me to meet his new girlfriend. Sending me her number and her cv saying she knows how important it is that me and her get to know each other so we can work together to support baby's development. So odd. I think he kind of wants to show her off as she has a similar job to me and I think he thinks I'll be impressed, or intimidated? . I haven't taken them up on it yet as not sure why I need to- we're hardly going to be friends. And I have much more fun things to do with my child free time.

OR maybe she wants to meet me so she can check out whatever story he's spun her about why he left me five weeks before our baby was born is true

Never met DSC mum and haven’t no plans too. She’s a prick and I work with enough of them as it is so don’t need to add another one to my rota.

To be fair I wish I had refused to meet my stepchilds mother. I did it because I just felt it was the right thing to do. It was awful and after it myself and my husband decided we would not meet up with her for a chat again. Just for exchanges in a public place or our house (because it has cctv) and any discussions regarding my stepchild would be in writing.

Yikes. I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you know you're better off without him

I'm I certainly glad I didn't meet her when she wanted to. I'm positive it wouldn't have been a good experience

I don’t think there’s any real need to meet the other parent of the children. I’ve no burning desire to meet any of ex H new girlfriends. The last one was a maniac and made life very difficult indeed! I’m happy to just leave them to it and guard my privacy fiercely.

This is really so interesting - I honestly thought that it was something that was 'expected' and that most women grit their teeth and do it at the beginning of their relationships. I guess that's because that's how it was put to me by their mum - she was very adamant that it was just something that happens and I was being deliberately obstructive, or immature, or weird etc. Most of my friends who have dSC have done it also - to a greater or lesser degree of success. This is a very normalising thread to read, I'm so glad I asked!

Ive never met her either, was supposed to about 5yrs ago and she cancelled and never bothered again.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if we did communicate and it wasnt always just partner and that sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable. Its interesting that many others havent met either

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here - I’m friendly with my DSDs Mum and I know other people like me but I also know people inyour situation and it works fine! As long as your step kids are happy and content with their family set up it doesn’t really matter.

Any gf of my ex is safe from meeting me lol! I’ve no interest at all, I’d like to be given a heads up that a gf is meeting them etc. But that’s about it. I do have some friends that have lots of contact and even friendships with their ex’s new partners/steps parents. But for me that would open a door for ex to come back in when I want as little contact with him as possible.

I wish I hadn’t bloody met the mum. Count yourself lucky. Just meant she had access to me to harass me until I blocked her. No need for you to meet her unless it’s affecting the kids in some way, which I doubt it is

I have no desire to meet the stepmum of my children. She's not part of my life, she's part of theirs. I trust my ex husbands judgement in the same way as he trusts mine.

Never met my SCs mother and never intend to. She's completely toxic and it's amazing that me and my stepchildren manage to have any relationship whatsoever.