Haven't met DSC mum, no plans to.

[Idontthinkiwill]

I've been with DH for 7 years, married for 2. DSC are all teens now (or very nearly) but were primary school age when we first met. I have a good relationship with them, they are always welcome here and we do things together as a family. But I've never met their mum. I don't have any contact with her, all practicalities like organisation and communication are done through DH.

At first she was very confrontational and basically said I had to meet her so she could tell me (and DH) what I was and wasn't allowed to do when DH had the kids. When I said I wouldn't be a part of that she withheld contact, threatened to go to court / call the police etc. She's stopped doing that now but is still very obstructive when she wants to be so it just is what it is.

She has never come to the house and she has never met our shared DC.

For what it's worth DSC have never mentioned it and are not at all bothered. She is not at all a taboo subject in our house - the kids talk about her in passing all the time. I have never once said a bad word about her - in fact I very often play devil's advocate for her when one of them is having a moan! I just have zero interest in meeting her, or feel that I have any obligation to - and at this point there doesn't seem to be much to be gained from it.

I know other stepparents who do a lot of the drop offs and communication side of things, even having mum contact them directly not their partner, so I realise I'm in the minority. I guess I'm looking for any others who haven't met dSC mum - what does that look like for your family dynamics, and do you ever see a time when things will change. Is there anything wrong with just... not??

It's your choice, it probably means you won't be invited to their weddings etc if you won't ever meet her, but nobody can make you.

I've met dss mum once and probably won't ever see her again until his wedding..

He's old enough to communicate with her / his dad himself. In fact his parents never speak to each other and haven't for years.

He barely sees her anyway so it's not a problem.

I never met her properly, as in planned. Ran into her a few times and she was utterly utterly vile to me. I never intend to meet her. The relationship with the kids is frankly crap because of her so I'm really not arsed if I'm not invited to their weddings. Wouldn't have ever expected it due to her behaviour anyway.

I don't think people with attitudes like hers ever change tbh. I can't imagine she'd all of a sudden be nice to you for example. There's nothing wrong with not meeting her.

I haven't met my sons step mom

I've said hello to her in when I've dropped something off but we haven't ever formally been introduced

never felt the need . I trust my ex husband not to have someone unsuitable around our son and I know from my son he likes her . She doesn't cause me any issues whatsoever . Also I'm very introverted and I hate fake small talk

That's probably a good way to look at it - I don't think any meeting with her will change her and her attitude to me or to DH so I guess what's the benefit of it?

That's interesting that you're the mum and you don't feel any need. I'm glad you trust your ex and that you son likes her, that says a lot

I didn't mean interesting as in 'interesting'. Just that it's great to have a point of view not just from the step parent side!

Me too. Aside from once picking my DSS up and she answered the door, we have never had a conversation or spoke. Anything to do with DSS is between her and my husband. I don't really want any communication with her to be honest. I have nothing against her but I just see no need to potentially muddy the waters or have any drama at my door.

I didn’t meet my girls first step-mum until she’d been their step-mum for 5/6 years and then only because I had to collect my girls when their Dad had an accident. It was very brief. She was foul to them (as was their father) and I felt any meeting would have made it worse. They did try to insist once as they wanted my agreement that I’d stick to their parenting rules, but given he saw the girls 5/6 times a year max I declined.

I didn’t meet their next step-mum (although she didn’t actually marry their father - she was long term and had 2 children with him) until months after her and their Dad split up. she wanted to check I was ok with her organising contact between her very young children and my (then teen) DDs directly with them as the girls had instigated it.

@Idontthinkiwill

im also a step mom and have a 12 year old stepdaughter

again minimal contact and no drama

my son told me his stepmom helped him pick some slippers for me for Mother's Day so that kind of tells me a lot

my ex husband is a good dad thankfully , we had bit of drama over the 6 years we have been separated but on the whole we get on as much as we need to for our son .

That's a tale of two extremes! I'm glad your dds still had a relationship with their little siblings, that's lovely

It is!

I had a thread on here a while back as my girls had organised to see their siblings from both step-mums while they were home from uni. They had them all together at our house (in the garden mostly). I wasn’t around - it was the girls that invited and hosted/minded their siblings.

When the girls went back to uni their first step-Mum asked, in all seriousness, if I’d host the two groups of half siblings on a Saturday on a regular basis 😂 She was deadly serious as well and stopped my girls having contact with her children after I said no to the babysitting facilitating.

They regularly see their other half siblings still, which is lovely.

I’ve been with my now DH almost 10 years, have known the kids (now 19 & 16) for 9 years.

He’s been divorced from his EW for over 13 years - but she is still extremely angry, bitter & toxic.

For this reason I haven’t met her. Anyone associated with my now DH is the enemy incl his parents (the kids grandparents) as far as the EW is concerned.

I have seen her twice in almost 10 years. The first time she was walking down the street with the kids (who must of been about 11 & 8 at the time). Their dad was waiting to pick them up outside her gated development house at the time. She was walking down the street holding the kids hands and she started screaming and swearing the F word when she spotted him.

The 2nd time was when the oldest was 15. She wasn’t happy about something so drove to ours with her then boyfriend who started banging our door down. The boyfriend threatened to beat my DH up & they couldn’t be calmed. The police had to be called & they were both taken away and given a caution.

Shes now alienated the older child (after years of dripping poison in her ear she no longer visits). The younger one does still come.

Shes still extremely volatile & I believe she has a personality disorder. There is absolutely no way I would put myself in her firing line.

DSC is grown up now but I never really had any contact with DSC Mum as DH did drop offs/pick ups and communication was between the 2 of them. DH and his ex had been split up a long time before we met. We met formally at a planned family gathering a year before DSC got married and saw her again at the wedding - we exchanged pleasantries and that’s about it. We don’t have any cause to have any contact with her now that DSC is grown up

I've never met my DSC's mum.. have no intention of, no requirement too. She did once message me saying I should respect her and I should be helping her have a relationship with her children!

She walked out on her 3 kids when the youngest were 4 or 5.. they are now adults nearing their 30's and I pointed out that they are adults, it's up to them if they want contact!

I think it’s a good strategy tbh - not engaging saves any potential drama and really all communication/decision making around kids should be done between parents, not by involving other people.

I have met my daughter's step mum before she became that - my husband and I were part of a group of "school parent friends" with her when he began his affair with her!

I don't communicate with her now, but not out of any ill will - long long past that - she did me a favour really. (He's a great dad and I still like him but he cheats on her just as much as he always did me - once a player....)

From a childcare point of view I have no need to meet her - all communication goes through my ex, as he is the parent. If the need arose - say if he was unwell and she needed to drop off DD or something, I would be perfectly civil and friendly. No doubt I will meet her at a future event or two like DD's wedding. But right now there is no need......

No, haven’t met her directly. No interest in doing so given her poor behaviour.

I've never met DSSs mum either. All communication is done through DP, I've picked him up and run him home but he gets himself in and out of the house! I've no issues with her - she is very different to me but sounds like a good mum even though DP and her had struggles at first to co parent. It is slightly strange that I know so much about this phantom woman I've never met! 😂 DSS talks about her and her partner and there is no animosity.

My dsd is grown up now but I got on well with her mum. I did most of the pick ups and drop offs and often baby sat her other child. I've been away on holiday with her and dsd for big occasions.
I've never met my dc's step mum but as they are now adults, I don't see the need.

I've spoken to her a couple of times in 8 years, sometimes she messages me trying to get money but I mostly don't engage. I think it's quite normal to have minimal contact.

That's not what the OP is saying at all!!! Jesus Christ.

I've never met my SC's mother and don't intend to. Our paths might cross in the future but there will be no 'meeting'. SC know their mum hates me, she's open about that, they tend to just roll their eyes about it. My relationship is with them, not her.

I haven't met my DSSs mum but he was 13 when I started seeing DH. She was offered but didn't see the need. She's never caused any issues for us and from what I've heard from DH she's nice.

My other DSS and my DSD's mum is another story. DSD was 3 when I met her so I've been a lot more involved in her life and we do 50:50 so I've met her mum at handovers and school events despite my best efforts to avoid her as she is a horrid woman. I have her blocked and only DH communicates with her.

I really don't see any need for you to meet the kids mum, especially if she is high conflict. It would also be possible to attend the same events and not formally introduce yourself.

I've been with DH since 2006 - DSS is now an adult, and I only met his Mum in passing about six months ago, at a family event. She didn't make eye contact with DH or myself, and whilst I hadn't expected her to be all chummy, I thought she might have said hello. But she didn't. In some respects that was easier than trying to make polite/awkward conversation?