AIBU

[Sky1248]

I’d like just for step parents comment in this please as until you’ve been in this role it’s hard to understand

ive ended my relationship of 6 and a half years because of my step son who is 8. He isn’t a massive problem other than a little rude at times but I was jealous, bitter, resentful of him and made it difficult for my husband to have him extra.

i would get jealous if he spent extra time with him and his ex made me feel like she had more power over my husband with how she would emotionally blackmail him and would text at any time or day of night about stupid stuff like ‘did it switch games turn up’ on a Friday night when it wasn’t our weekend to have him. I felt that kind of stuff could of waited to be spoken about on pick ups

i know I sound like a dragon and selfish but I’ve been battling all this time to try and over ride my feelings but every couple months it would flag up and I’d have all these feelings come rushing back again.

e have a 3 year old and 1 year old and I just constantly felt like his son was more of a priority. He got the best of him and we couldn’t do anything like celebrate my sons first birthday on holiday because his son didn’t want to go and we had to change it to a weekend that worked for him.

im at a crossroads now where I have therapy for the way I’m feeling to help me understand and control how I’m feeling or I keep it ended and hopefully find something that will suit me better.

my husband had said he won’t budge on being flexible with holidays it will only be when his son can come even tho he has loads of holidays with his mum going abroad etc

i felt he forced me to go out of my way for his son when the things being done was what his mum was doing for him.

he also plays football and would go on a Friday night and come back late which would disrupt my kids routine and then I’d feel pissed off.

theres more to the story in terms of reasons why I feel we are always second best but I’m just worried what if the grass isn’t greener and I should just put up and shut up. I also worry I’m pushing myself down to be unhappy to make my husband happy and is life to short for that?

The grass will be greener because at the very least you won’t feel downtrodden. Yes it will be bloody hard but you’ll very soon know if your gut was right based on how he treats your children post separation. From previous posts I suspect you will be proved right and then will feel angry all over again that your kids are not treated the same as your step son. I think you did right. You can now prioritise your kids without asking permission. Good luck my love and my inbox is always open if you need a shoulder xx

Breaking up is the right decision. Don’t doubt yourself. Who cares what colour the grass will be, the current grass sounds shit.

Are you still living together? How do you see contact with your two working? I’d focus on moving forward. You’ve been unhappy, you’re choosing a better path.

I’m a step mum.

He’s being great with the kids and having them when he has his other son! He’s still not budging on no holidays unless his son is there even if we all still want to go. Please bare in mind aswell he will always be invited but if he says no we would of had to of waited until his weekend cos he would of had to gone!

do you think it’s unfair that I said that wasn’t fair on my other kids as I didn’t want to base our life round him?

i am suffering with really bad guilt as I think I put my husband through a lot of choosing over his son when we were together and I see why he started getting angry and shouting as stuck between a rock and a hard place!

im currently seeking a therapist and going on medication to make myself a better person

thanj you for your comments x

Really pleasing to read he is maintaining contact and effort with your shared children.

the holiday thing is ridiculous. It is the same as step sons mum taking him on holiday and you insisting that because he has had a holiday your children absolutely have to. It’s childish. Whilst it is ok for him to want his son to be around it is unreasonable to expect your life as a family (maybe too late now) to go on hold until his son arrives. I don’t think YABU here. And as much as this will be jumped on, it’s nice for you 4 to have time together as your little family that you created without the presence of a child you didn’t make sometimes. People seem to struggle to grasp that time away from children we didn’t create is nice. Doesn’t mean we hate our step kids. Gosh how many people have friends with kids and they prefer to see the friend without them bringing their kids. Plenty! But put the word step in and suddenly child is a victim step parent is a monster.

the examples I’ve seen you give Ona. Few threads you didn’t ask him to choose you over his kid. You asked him to choose balance and fairness. There is NOTHING wrong with that.

I hope your therapist helps you to see you aren’t asking for the world and it’s not unreasonable what you wanted x

I really appreciate that post thank you x

He isn't saying the family needs to be on hold while son is with his mom. He's expecting all family members to be considered when planning a holiday, not just op's kids. When your children are older you will absolutely be considering what they have going on when you plan a holiday. His son deserves the same consideration.

He is. They simply aren’t allowed to do anything if the stepson isn’t there even down to OP not being allowed to celebrate her 30th birthday because sons not there. He really is and was insisting they couldn’t do anything as a family unless his son was there. Life goes on without the son. Absolutely agree don’t exclude him if it’s his weekend but not being able to have plans when the step son isn’t there is not ok.

Would he consider relationship counselling to discuss the issues? I think even if you decide to end the relationship you will both benefit from it. In all honesty I think you end the relationship. You SS life goes on when he's at his mum's. Your children lives should go on when he's not their.

Just leave. You will fill better once the initial upset is over.

You didn't end the relationship because of your SS, you ended it because of your OH. Because he had no boundaries with his ex, because he favoured one child over the others, because he couldn't prioritise you.

You and your kids deserve to be a priority too. If your OH couldn't manage to prioritise a romantic relationship and his older child then he shouldn't never have started the relationship. Now you can go on holiday when you choose and your kids don't have to feel second best in their own home.

Will be interesting to see how much he's willing to jump through hoops for the younger 2 like he does with his oldest child.

But OP said her SS has been invited on holidays but didn't want to go and now her DH is saying if SS isn't going none of them are going. How is that fair? It's not that SS is being left out at all but the younger kids holidays hang in the balance and it's basically down to an 8yo whether they get to go or not.

So sorry to hear this OP. I have been in a similar situation to you and you've been very brave, particularly with joint children involved. I hope its OK to post - I'm not a stepmum but I almost became one until my OH permitted his controlling ex wife and his demanding children (who he raised to be this way) ruin our relationship which is now hanging on a thin thread.

I think its understandable and normal that you felt jealous of your OH's child because I have felt the same. I have realised it was because my OH was making things this way. I have realised it wasn't jealously but resentment for always coming last. I have realised it was a type of rage based on emotional abuse dynamics.

All this 'putting the children first' or giving in to the ex that meant you couldn't enjoy holidays or birthdays like you should feels very familiar. They may not mean to but the effect on us from men who treat us like this is the same as abuse. They are upsetting us constantly by showing us we don't matter and aren't important. They don't do it directly but by using the first family as a proxy. At first we direct our anger or what feels like jealousy towards the ex wife and the kids but eventually we realise it our partners we need to be angry with.

My OH is coercively controlled by the ex wife. She changes the access schedule all the time and he goes along with it, so we make joint plans that he decides to cancel. She leaves him alone during her free time but in his free time she piles extra commitments on to him that he accepts without a murmur. .

My OH is a good dad but he treats 'putting kids first' like its a religion that I am somehow expected to also follow. He agrees weekend plans with his children without consulting me first, often right in front of my face. Obviously they don't treat me respectfully because he's not showed them to. When I bring this up it will change for a while so I start to believe the relationship is workable again but in the past week it has gone back to old patterns.

The reason I almost but didn't become a stepmum is that I was used as leverage for him to get more access to his children.

I want to into major details to save identifying anyone.

But there was a point where we were planning to purchase a lovely home together. He was telling the children about it. At the time he was all about the kids building a strong relationship with me and showing me respect. I think the prospect of his kids wanting to live with us eventually in the really nice big house we could have purchased together scared the ex. I'm a much better parent than she chooses to be. I had the kids eating at the table for the first time in their lives and taught the younger one to read. They had behaviour issues, which I fixed. Anyway OH and his ex who had battled it out in court for years suddenly became aligned. They basically agreed among themselves that if he didn't live with me but relocated to a new area with her he would see his kids a lot more.

I've realised my OH is an extremely manipulative person. He's a very successful lawyer so of course he's smart and cunning and calculating. I am angry with him and don't trust him.

It has taken me a long time to decide what to do and the past year has been interspersed with strong efforts by the OH to make it up to me that aren't consistent, keeping me in a cycle of hope and despair that abuse victims will be all too familiar with.

So anyway, YANBU.

Stay away. You shouldn't be around that boy.

This sounds awful. I hope you're putting plans in place to leave him as no one should be living as a second class citizen. No one should be coming second to their OHs ex! You deserve someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve and make you a priority.

My DH has is DS full time and DD 50%. He is an amazing dad and his kids are his world but so am I. He would never in a million years cancel our plans because the ex needed him to have the kids on her time.

You've got to do what's right for you and your kids. I'm sorry I'm not a stepmum but I am a mum and it doesn't sound like this is working. Your feelings are damaging and unhealthy but sound valid, your DHs behaviour is causing you to feel this way and if he won't change you'll have to make a change, you'll feel better on the other side xx

YANBU - except nothing sounds like the step child’s fault even though you are putting blame at his feet….. it’s 100% a exDH problem.

I would never have agreed for my own child’s birthday to be celebrated to another day because DSS couldn’t and didn’t want to be there.

Step parenting is shit and dads often try to be Disney dads at the expense of partners, new children and the DSC as well - no one wins.

You may feel guilty now but in the long run I believe you have 100% made the right decision separating and putting your DC first. You will be a happier mum for them

Thank you for all your wise words

you are all right, I was totally in the wrong for not wanting my step son over extra, for not always feeling like I wanted him there. I was very jealous and resentful of him as I felt it all worked around him. Although my husband would reassure me I was just very very insecure and it was then damaging to him as he was being made to choose and that’s not fair.

i have to be honest with how I feel as I genuinely feel life is too short to be not fully happy and as selfish as that is I have to say it. I’m taking time out to be on my own with my kids and see what makes me happy

@LordSnot are you a step parent? These are the type of comments that are just so un useful

@Sky1248 since you separated is ex seeing your kids regularly? Does he see them only if SS contact days?

No he’s being good to be fair, having kids all the same time even if his SS doesn’t want to join in.

that was never the problem I felt he was always over compensating for his son and it was too much for me.

Very familiar, that line of 'you are just insecure.'
Insecurity is what happens in a relationship with someone who can't or won't put you first and when you are always wondering what disappointment is around the next corner you become hypervigilant to all and any signs that you're about to be let down again. Its not an innate character trait that would show up in a mutually supportive relationship. There's a difference.

Very true I would act like I was let down or wall would be up before it even happened in the end!

Exactly. If I told my DH I was feeling insecure in our relationship he would see it as him not doing his job properly and would do whatever it took to make me feel secure again.

Fair play to you for seeing that you are jealous of your SS and that's where the issue is. I can understand it must be a really hard situation to be in but you are owning how you feel and now seeking help to work around these feelings you have. That's a very strong thing to do and not many people would admit fault or jealously! You are owning your shit and that's half the battle sometimes I think!

No answers but I really feel your pain and can see how it’s all become too much. Just offering a handhold. It will get better. ❤️‍🩹