Not being the "favourite" household

[sez1123]

Myself and DH have a 1 year old DD and he has a 7 year old DS from previous relationship. We have recently moved into a much bigger house so DSS stays more often now and is a great big brother. However, no matter what you do it never feels enough and he makes it clear he'd rather be at mummies.
Little things like having a bath, cleaning his teeth and eating his dinner is a chore and he says mummy never washes me or at mummy's we have takeaways, mummy's new boyfriend gives me energy drinks etc.
He's not miserable at ours, doesn't have tantrums and we are easy going and he does love running around the garden and playing but you always feel second best. Is there anyway to not have that feeling or shall I just suck it up that of course he'd rather be at the house that has no rules, full to brim of broken toys and he gets what he wants all the time?

Op, you've said it yourself, he likes being with his mum. But he also likes being with you?

You’ve only recently got the house big enough for him to spend more time with you, it’s not going to be his favourite or default house. If Mum is the primary carer and has been for years and Mums house is where ge spends most of his time then yes he will naturally prefer it. It’s home.
just keep making him welcome and build that relationship and he’ll eventually hopefully have two equal homes 😊

Most likely he says the same thing at his mums but also when he looks back as an adult he will know your house was where he was cared for better.
My DSC started living with us full time and we knew that life was better at ours but there was still comments when we wanted them to do something they didn’t want to do. My own DC say it after a trip to their grandparents where they get away with more; it’s how kids try to push boundaries

this never bothered me. Home usually is where you mum is and for a long time my home was referred to as Lisa’s home. What time we going to Lisa’s? Are we going to Lisa’s this weekend. Then it changed.. what time are we coming home. Are we going home after this. That was enough for me.

they also Had rules at Lisa’s that they didn’t have at mums. When I’d get any comments about mums house this mums house that. I’d simply say different it house different rules.

Thanks all, that's helpful for me, I shouldn't take it to heart but when you try and create a loving home and it doesn't seem enough it does grate a little. But he's only 7 and of course he would like to not have to wash his hair and have energy drinks for breakfast!

Pretty much every child wants their mum and will associate the RP or the home they grew up in as their "real home".

Would you be comfortable with your child preferred home being their step parent?

he says mummy never washes me or at mummy's we have takeaways, mummy's new boyfriend gives me energy drinks etc.

do you think that is actually true? Chances are he says the same things about your house.

There doesn't need to be a favourite? Both are home.

Of course he prefers his mums house! That's his mum and presumably his primary carer. You're in for more heartbreak if you try and compete with his mum, which you absolutely should not be, as an adult. He is at yours essentially ti see his dad and his half sibling. Don't make it about you.

It’s not a competition 🫠
It’s great that he feels happy in both places. He’s 7. He will point out differences because he’s not mature enough to realise it might be hurting your feelings. You sound a bit judgemental about the things he’s pointed out (energy drinks for breakfast, it’s not great is it?) and broken toys (show me any house where there aren’t broken toys!), just different households really.
His mum’s house is ‘his house’ and your house is his sort of guest house, it’s natural that he will ‘prefer’ his own house. He has the most attachment there.

@SoupDragon unfortunately yes, believed to be true, even from a few things she has said not just DSS. But maybe he does play things off and says things about here too.

Not being made about me at all, I was just wondering if this is something that happens and how to deal with it if anything or just to ignore. I love it that DH gets to see him so much more now and DD will grow up with a loving sibling.

Mummy sounds like a bit of a crap mummy tbh.

I also actually prefer the step kids liking their mums more . They should imo, it’s where they spend the majority of their time. Though our house is way bigger , better and in a better area, none of that matters to them. Mum lets they stay up, drink alcohol and do whatever they please so of course they prefer it!

We’ve long since given up trying to get they stuff to make their feel more at home. Was a waste of money.

Is this we're you want everyone to slag the num and praise yourself 👏

Young kids just like being with their mums 🤷🏼‍♀️ Our house is objectively far nicer/bigger than my step kids mums house but that’s irrelevant because their home is where their mum is and also where they spend most of their time so the routine is familiar and comfortable. I wouldn’t even be giving it a second thought.

It’s normal for kids to prefer their real mum unless she has done something terrible to them, don’t try and win a battle u have no chance of winning.

OK, so you've mentioned how things are at the other house. It's coming across like you're making digs.

Also, you're his step mum. Is it so bad he prefers his actual mum's house to yours? It would be more understable if it were the other way round or his dad posting this.

Of course he’d rather be with his mum. You could live at Buckingham Palace and he’d still rather live with his mum. Because she’s his mum.

When my ex and I separated my DS school suggested a course for him to attend for children in thr middle of separation and divorce.

I wasn't sure what he was doing in the course as he wasn't forthcoming and it was in another language I was trying to get to grips with at the time. So I asked for details I could translate.

The jist of it was making children feel comfortable in an unknown situation, but the key thing was for them not to feel guilty about enjoying their time at dads while mum was alone, and vice versa. This really struck me, as it wasn't my first thought as something that would greatly affect him.

So it may be one of the reasons why he brings up things that are better at his mums. And for sure he may be the same in the other situation. He might feel a sense of guilt that he isn't with his mum, but he's enjoying himself iyswim.

If he does bring up things, I'd just reassure him that his mum sounds like a great person and he's lucky that he can have fun in both places, but that there are rules in place to make sure he's loved, healthy and cared for, as there are, I'm sure at his mums house.

Ignore all the usual insecure anti-stepmum bollocks because you’re in for a lot of it on here! The biological Mum could be Hitler and you’re still not allowed to point out her parenting failings 😉

All kids have things they like better at one house compared to the other - my DSD loves that she gets more screen time with her Mum and Stepdad, that she has cousins closer in age to play with there and that her Mum is fantastic at cooking and baking so does lots of that with her. With us she loves that she gets lots of outdoor adventures, has a dog to walk and play with and that we go swimming as a family every week. She likes one set of Grandparents house because they have a massive garden. She likes the other because they live right beside the beach. Kids will always have varying preferences and it’s not a competition it’s a team effort to make the kids happy and give them the best life. When it’s stupid things like giving energy drinks all you and your DH can do is restate the rules at your house.

My DSS used to say he preferred his mum's and now he lives with us full time. The novelty of having a free for all wore off when her lack of parenting started affecting his negatively.

Please continue with your routines and boundaries in your home, even if you feel you DSS would prefer a more laid back approach. As much as he may prefer his mum's house, kids need boundaries and structure and if he's not getting them at his mum's at least he will at his dad's.

It is not aa competition. Why does every thread ike this make out the actual mother is a lay parent, has no rules, fees them shit - yes some do but the vast majority of parents -try their best.

7 yr old lie to get out of doing things they do not like - baths, eting veggies, he wants an energy drink - bet he does not get one at home..

Mum is his main carer - of course there is familarity and ese - new house, new baby, new SM - a lot for a 7 yr old to come to terms with.

A child will inevitably prefer to be with their primary care giver the majority of the time. It’s not really about you OP, you could live in literal Disneyland and he is still going to pick his mum.

I would also steer away from the judgement of her parenting, as much as you think you will be hiding it. Kids pick up on this very easily and will see / hear the sneer in your voice and that’s not going to help him enjoy being around you

Not for me. My child likes his dad who does nothing and palms him off on his gf.

I've had my own home for 40 years but still call my parents house that I grew up in as home.